"You never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad."
-Marya Hornbacher, Wasted
My copy of her memoir is like origami, a thousand little folds in the top corners of pages, marking profound ideas and phrases I wanted to remember. Reading the words over and over, it creates a strange sort of emptiness inside, full but still starving, as if I've tried to satisfy my hunger with freezing ice water. She tells her story so well and so completely, it feels like I've lived her life and experienced the horrors. Her world seemed confused and dark, the images unfocused, as she ripped and tore away the realness of being human with wants and needs; becoming sharp ribs and bones holding up a nearly dead body like the framework of a damaged house. And it's terrifying and fascinating to see how far she went, 52 pounds at 5'3, almost inspiring to know it is possible to lose half of myself and still come out alive, though partially dead.
There is no truly happy ending to her story, and there will never be a happy ending to anorexia or bulimia, and we know that, and we probably knew before we slipped into the mirror, but it'll take all our strength to break our way out.
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That's deep. I need to read that book. *nods* The only ED related book I've read thus far is Wintergirls, which I found to be a really fascinating read.
ReplyDeleteWell, as I always say, there is no cure, just management. We must learn to manage our disorders, otherwise they could ruin or ultimately take our lives.
ReplyDeleteWhen we can no longer stay in control, it is up to us to ask for help. If we cannot, hopefully our loved ones will do it for us. The important thing is that we NEVER give up!
Thanks for the comment, so glad you like! <3. XXX.
True, no happy ending, I think my buddy Mich compared it to going thru Mordor and you just can't return to normal. Your brain has just seen too much.
ReplyDeleteYea even when fat I'll have these thoughts. Hell these thoughts are why I notice my weight at all. I can't be blissfully unaware of what a show i'd give peeps if I wore booty shorts ^_^
From what other bloggers have said it seems the "professionals" encourage us to fight against these thoughts.
But I think that only puts us further at war with ourselves.
I think real self-acceptance also mean accepting that these thoughts will always be with us and learning how to integrate all our parts into a whole.
That's what I'm trying to do anyway.
<3 <3 <3
I read that book and was impressed with it. I couldnt put it down after I had started it and I saw so much of myself through those pages. I would like to see how her other novel is in comparison, though it deals with a different topic.
ReplyDeletei love her book i lent out my copy never got it back pissed me off i need a new one
ReplyDeletebut it is so right we will alwasy in some sort of a way b halfway into this world and neve ever b able to fully escappe yes we can leanr to fight the thoughts learnt o eat a lil healthier an dnot b as crazy with the help of meds but it will alwasy b there wating fo rone some moment one small slip up to sneak its way back in and pull us back down into the dark world
I have never read that book and 52 pounds at 5'3 sounds so...wow. That's not even half of me. I think you have to multiply 3 times and add a thousand more just to get to where I feel like I'm at right now.
ReplyDeleteBooks are beautiful. They convey words that I want to express and the ink I write in is pretty distorted and surreal. I don't feel like it's me writing. <3
For one, I'm tired of not being able to write my own story, but let this ED splutter out splotches of ink to cover up the words I've already written, the promises I've made, twisted the words until lies were painted upon the paper.
<3
To love and forever cherish you, sweetheart. <3
I've thought about reading Wasted but I just haven't got around to it. I really should make the time... I wish there could be a truly happy ending. For everyone.
ReplyDeleteI think I should read wasted, because I'm thinking about my own book about ed.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I really like your style, it's unique and I read your blog so often and I just wonder..if we could follow each other.. But even if your answer is “no” I’ll be still your reader ♥ I know what is ED because I had it some time ago. Now I'm fat. So please, follow me because I need some motivation to loose weight!
with love,
http://chocarome.blogspot.com/
I love that book you should check out hunger point as well im on that one right now. how have you been?
ReplyDeletestay strong <3Jess
that sounds like a good book. I'll have to check it out.
ReplyDeleteanything else you recommend?
jackie
Oh my gosh, I picked that book up in Barnes&Nobel and ended up sitting there reading it for 3 and a half hours. I could not put it down, it's so relatable.
ReplyDelete