I dreamed of walking on an ethereal beach, a narrow strip of sand between a sheer charcoal cliff and an ocean of clear swirling waves. The shallow sea was tinted with the sheen of faint rainbows. In the distance, the sun rested on the horizon, a sunrise or a sunset or maybe neither. Pink and gold glazed the sky and shimmered over the water. I was weightless, leaving no footprints on the sand, as if I had not ever existed. I felt such happiness, as if the world had become simple. In another dream, a boy I had once known but forgotten, looked at me, turned to his father and said, "Some things never change." He was right; despite anything I do to my body or my life, I'll still be here, somewhere inside. I've always been me, even when I tried so hard to change, as if changing would erase my unhappiness.
"You're really pretty!" she said randomly, and I reflected the compliment back to her, wishing I knew if her words were meaningful. I'm not pretty anymore, not on the inside nor the outside. I am worn away, weak, soft, tired. And I want to come back to control, obsession, my life in the past, even though it was often filled with dissastisfaction and a coldness that penetrated sharply, freezing my mind. At times, it was comforting, stable, and rewarding, and I miss that. I want to waste away, though I know I will still be deeply imperfect.
105 pounds, aiming for 89.
Much love and thanks to
S.
.Nauseated_Suchende.
Little Miss Thin
The Lovely Bones
Judith Marie
Lucy's Shadow.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Thursday, October 18, 2012
help me please?
It's been so long, but I'm here again. I have no words right now, but someone please give me some words of motivation? I need to be pushed, harder.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Catharsis
"To play this piece, you had to have experienced heartbreak, romantic heartbreak," my violin teacher tells me. But I prefer the piano. It is solid and difficult to move and reassuring. I have played piano and faithfully attended lessons since 1st grade, but only very recently, has passion replaced hate. I find myself sitting there, my fingers following their own path over the smooth black and white keys. Sometimes my mind leaves and comes back; my hands know the music better than me. I've fallen in love with Liebestraume No. 3, by Franz Liszt. The piece is coming together in fragments. Music has always touched me superficially, the notes grazed my ear. Now, it enters me through the skin and reverberates. Every chord and every phrase is an emotion and thought, the song is a story.
Finally, I have fallen out from the binge/purge cycle. My scale told me 101 pounds yesterday, recovered from the high of 107. Ninety-three is 8 pounds away. I was excited to discover that I can easily wrap my hand around my wrist, all four fingers able to reach the top of my thumb. It seems, that to accept myself, I must cut the body away. I recognize the mental and physical repercussions, but logic has not altered anything. I am not the excess weight that clings to me, like leaves on a tree. I want to be a tree in the dead of winter, bare and thin and light.
Last night, I cried, remembering all the many mistakes and people I had wronged, the loneliness that used to wrap itself tightly around me, the uncertainness that I have never been able to penetrate. And when I had grown tired of tears, I waited for catharsis, expecting a calm after the glass jar with all the built up emotions had shattered. I still felt like a failure, but I realized I am responsible for my own happiness and well-being. And I want to attain that. I want all the negative thoughts and anger and sadness to drain out, so I can fill the space with everything I value and love.
___________________________________________________________
Thanks to mylittlebones, Chloe, Depressed Skinny Mess, Princess Perfection, AVY, Judith Marie, and I do, I do. for your comments on my last post! All of you are incredible.
mylittlebones - I first began my obsession early last year. Unfortunately, I have not continuously lost weight, b&p/willpower/life/friends/wanting to get better/etc has kept me from the two-digits. I am momentarily satisfied when I see a change on the scale, but I always strive to be thinner and thinner. Thank you so much for commenting! :)
Judith Marie - I have never been able to really grasp that aspect myself. I do think that I make others uncomfortable when I do not eat when expected, such as at a restaurant or at lunch. When I binge and do not purge, I'm in an awful mood and unfortunately that affects the people in my life. I also wonder if people suspect the truth about me. Oh and I just realized your picture is of a hedgehog!!! I adore hedgehogs! Do you have one? A classmate carries hers around in a purse sometimes. Anyways, thank you so much for commenting! <3
Finally, I have fallen out from the binge/purge cycle. My scale told me 101 pounds yesterday, recovered from the high of 107. Ninety-three is 8 pounds away. I was excited to discover that I can easily wrap my hand around my wrist, all four fingers able to reach the top of my thumb. It seems, that to accept myself, I must cut the body away. I recognize the mental and physical repercussions, but logic has not altered anything. I am not the excess weight that clings to me, like leaves on a tree. I want to be a tree in the dead of winter, bare and thin and light.
Last night, I cried, remembering all the many mistakes and people I had wronged, the loneliness that used to wrap itself tightly around me, the uncertainness that I have never been able to penetrate. And when I had grown tired of tears, I waited for catharsis, expecting a calm after the glass jar with all the built up emotions had shattered. I still felt like a failure, but I realized I am responsible for my own happiness and well-being. And I want to attain that. I want all the negative thoughts and anger and sadness to drain out, so I can fill the space with everything I value and love.
___________________________________________________________
I write a lot about my experiences, my feelings, my life, but I think I write infrequently about me as a person.
1. Blue is my favorite color, because it can be both tranquil and intense.
2. I have an intense fear of getting lost, especially during night.
3. If I could, I would always wear short, simple dresses.
4. Shyness is one of my major issues and I am amazed I have friends.
5. I have perfect pitch. I am also a terrible singer.
6. At night, I send my thoughts scattering in nonsensical directions to fall asleep.
7. I wish on dandelion puffs and stars.
8. I look older than my chronological age.
9. I want the courage to stand up for what I believe.
10. One day, I hope to travel every inch of the world and live without fear or regret.
Thanks to mylittlebones, Chloe, Depressed Skinny Mess, Princess Perfection, AVY, Judith Marie, and I do, I do. for your comments on my last post! All of you are incredible.
mylittlebones - I first began my obsession early last year. Unfortunately, I have not continuously lost weight, b&p/willpower/life/friends/wanting to get better/etc has kept me from the two-digits. I am momentarily satisfied when I see a change on the scale, but I always strive to be thinner and thinner. Thank you so much for commenting! :)
Judith Marie - I have never been able to really grasp that aspect myself. I do think that I make others uncomfortable when I do not eat when expected, such as at a restaurant or at lunch. When I binge and do not purge, I'm in an awful mood and unfortunately that affects the people in my life. I also wonder if people suspect the truth about me. Oh and I just realized your picture is of a hedgehog!!! I adore hedgehogs! Do you have one? A classmate carries hers around in a purse sometimes. Anyways, thank you so much for commenting! <3
Friday, April 20, 2012
buried
Dirt presses heavily and suffocatingly over me, a hundred and four pounds of excess. Digging my way out, escaping with my skeleton and leaving my decomposing body underground. My knees touch, interrupting the slope of empty space. The circular motions of the binge/purge cycle are so rigid, breaking out of these self-defeating behaviors seems improbable.
(a recent experience that I will never try again.)
A laugh breaks through the silent evening, at nothing in particular. An eternity later, I find consciousness on cold concrete and the world is sideways. Dull panic throbs, though I can't recall anything. I know nothing, am nobody. I feel newly born. A face, an urgent voice. He is familiar, Alex. I watch myself from a place above my head as I climb the stairs, quickly because I see them shrinking. My sense of touch has ran away, my fingertips explore, the feeling of blankness is a texture itself. Blocks of darkness interrupt. The connection between mind and body has been severed; I act without thought-commands. I am terrified; he lies on me as I desperately crawl to reach the door.
My heart plays a wild piece, short staccato beats. Alex tries to put my brain together, it has been taken apart and screwed back into place terribly wrong. Time and words are meaningless. I am a kitten, limp and weightless in his arms.
Sleep ends the nightmare.
Glancing at passersby, I often think of their hopes, worries, memories. I make stories for them. Lives intersect, a tangle of paths crisscrossing and running over each other, through years and miles. Strangers are endlessly fascinating, because I'm confined to the thoughts and perspectives in my mind, and wish I could occupy their conscious and look through their eyes at a much different world. It's tiring to be one person. Our minds are endless solitary confinement.
Is there anything specific anyone would like me to write about in my next post? Any questions? I'm happy to oblige.
Love and thanks to: Ahava, Little Miss Thin, Rachel, Clarie, I do, I do., Lucy's Shadow, Judith Marie, Wings to Set me Free, Sam Lupin, xXzapxfireXx, Chloe, Too Fat for Words, Nauseated_Suchende, mylittlebone, catherineofsiena, AVY, and Helen. I am happily overwhelmed by all your caring kind words and advice. I hope you all have a wonderful and beautiful day.
(a recent experience that I will never try again.)
A laugh breaks through the silent evening, at nothing in particular. An eternity later, I find consciousness on cold concrete and the world is sideways. Dull panic throbs, though I can't recall anything. I know nothing, am nobody. I feel newly born. A face, an urgent voice. He is familiar, Alex. I watch myself from a place above my head as I climb the stairs, quickly because I see them shrinking. My sense of touch has ran away, my fingertips explore, the feeling of blankness is a texture itself. Blocks of darkness interrupt. The connection between mind and body has been severed; I act without thought-commands. I am terrified; he lies on me as I desperately crawl to reach the door.
My heart plays a wild piece, short staccato beats. Alex tries to put my brain together, it has been taken apart and screwed back into place terribly wrong. Time and words are meaningless. I am a kitten, limp and weightless in his arms.
Sleep ends the nightmare.
Glancing at passersby, I often think of their hopes, worries, memories. I make stories for them. Lives intersect, a tangle of paths crisscrossing and running over each other, through years and miles. Strangers are endlessly fascinating, because I'm confined to the thoughts and perspectives in my mind, and wish I could occupy their conscious and look through their eyes at a much different world. It's tiring to be one person. Our minds are endless solitary confinement.
Is there anything specific anyone would like me to write about in my next post? Any questions? I'm happy to oblige.
Love and thanks to: Ahava, Little Miss Thin, Rachel, Clarie, I do, I do., Lucy's Shadow, Judith Marie, Wings to Set me Free, Sam Lupin, xXzapxfireXx, Chloe, Too Fat for Words, Nauseated_Suchende, mylittlebone, catherineofsiena, AVY, and Helen. I am happily overwhelmed by all your caring kind words and advice. I hope you all have a wonderful and beautiful day.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
"borderline between what and what?"
My entire life could be etched into the wooden cracking frame of my bed, imprinted into the mattress, and intertwined with the covers. Intense energy excites me until I am too restless to drown in the depths of sleep. My bed is my refuge during the storm, and I cling to it as the chaotic waves churn beneath. I want to sleep.
The first time I read the words borderline personality disorder, BPD, was on my laptop, searching for the cause, the name, of my behavior and thoughts. And it all seemed to fit evenly together.
Symptoms: I've bolded the ones that relate to me.
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships.
Identity disturbance
Impulsivity
Recurrent suicidal behavior ? (I am not sure if cutting/suicidal thoughts qualify).
Emotional instability
Chronic feelings of emptiness
Inappropriate, intense anger
Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts/severe dissociative symptoms
A BPD blog (incredibly well-written) I found recently: Beyond the Borderline Personality
Thanks to lovely people reading this! Thanks to the people who commented! Follow them! Each one of you made me smile. I hope you all have a very wonderful day and night!
Gymnast, Judith Marie, Lucy's Shadow, xXzapxfireXx, Chloe, Funeral of Youth, I do, I do., pursuit_of_happiness, and Sam Lupin.
I think about death and its inevitableness, for us and the billions before us. We write vastly differing stories from one another but the ending is always alike. Some wait passively, bitterly for death. Some slip into it unknowingly and peacefully. Others desperately chase after it, the end is elusive for them. I think about the day when I will fall from existence into memory, and I hope that someone will lay a flower for me. A dandelion or a rose.
"I thought you were anorexic, what are you doing here?" the girl I vaguely know says to me bluntly. What am I doing here, at this frozen yogurt place with my friend? I resist telling her I think I am more bulimic than anorexic. Sometimes the excess of my body engulfs me and I am more trapped than ever in this foreign cage. Carrying anything, whether it is a purse, jacket, or papers, bothers me, this body is no exception. I wish I could leave it behind and run weightless and unburdened.
The first time I read the words borderline personality disorder, BPD, was on my laptop, searching for the cause, the name, of my behavior and thoughts. And it all seemed to fit evenly together.
"Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is an emotional disorder that causes emotional instability, leading to stress and other problems.
With borderline personality disorder your image of yourself is distorted, making you feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Your anger, impulsivity and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you desire loving relationships." www.mayoclinic.comI can't determine or diagnose if I actually have BPD from compulsively reading about it, but I feel I identify with the symptoms and the descriptions.
Symptoms: I've bolded the ones that relate to me.
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships.
Identity disturbance
Impulsivity
Recurrent suicidal behavior ? (I am not sure if cutting/suicidal thoughts qualify).
Emotional instability
Chronic feelings of emptiness
Inappropriate, intense anger
Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts/severe dissociative symptoms
A BPD blog (incredibly well-written) I found recently: Beyond the Borderline Personality
Thanks to lovely people reading this! Thanks to the people who commented! Follow them! Each one of you made me smile. I hope you all have a very wonderful day and night!
Gymnast, Judith Marie, Lucy's Shadow, xXzapxfireXx, Chloe, Funeral of Youth, I do, I do., pursuit_of_happiness, and Sam Lupin.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
passion and detachment
"I've never heard silence like this," she whispers. "I've never seen stars like this," I say. Against the icy hardness of the dock, we lie parallel to the broken glass waters. A dome of glittery powder above us, trees like black splotches of ink around the lake. The cutting beauty of it is heartbreaking. Later, we bring our frozen bodies back to life next to the flames. The red hot ribbons wrap around the logs, tighter and tighter, and I understand why moths are irresistibly drawn to a death lit by light.
I alternate between bingeing and fasting, passion and detachment. Even as I view food as a toxic pollutant, unclean and unsafe, I crave the contamination. I kneel on the white tiles, like so many others, and it comes back up in desperate heaves, and I swear never again, like we all say. But again and again, I fall. Yet I take comfort knowing that in order to have fallen, I have risen, a little at least.
Size double zero. The number in the tag of my jeans comforts me slightly and fails to erase the fat I clearly see in the mirror under the bright accusing lights. I despise every inch and pound.
I feel as if I have lived more months and years than my actual chronological age. Age and the complexities surrounding it fascinates me.
My very first time. His name is Alex. He has said he loves me; I see it in his eyes and feel it in his actions. His hipbones dug into me as he lay on top. Our breathing merges, our heartbeats run wildly. My clothes in a heap on the creaking wood floor next to the condoms, my mind in a tangle of tissue thin thoughts. As he entered me, the intense pain overwhelmed me, my legs involuntarily attempted to close. Deep rough thrusts. He finishes. We slip into sleep together under the dreamcatcher.
A researcher contacted me about a research study involving pro anorexia blogs/websites. I think it would help others gain a better understanding of eating disorders in general. If you would like to participate, click here.
Love and thanks to these lovely people:
SilentNightmare - Thank you very much! I am not much of a writer though.
Judith Marie - I've missed you tons! I'm sorry for worrying you, I'm glad you are safe as well. :) My weight has remained stable unfortunately (sigh b/p). Much love and happiness to you too!
Sam Lupin - Hi love! You made me smile, and I'll hopefully keep smiling! It's nice to see that the layout of your blog has stayed relatively the same since the last time I was on blogger in December, I love returning to a familiar place, it fills me with comfort. I hope you have a lovely day!
Marie - Thank you for your sweet words, I hope you find lots of happiness today. <3
I do, I do. - Thank you lots! I feel motivated to post more frequently!
xXzapxfireXx- Thank you for the welcome back!:)
S. - Hi it's been a while! I'm glad you are still here on blogger:)
Lucy's Shadow - Thank you, I'm happy to be back and to catch up on what everyone's been up to!
Depressed Skinny Mess - Many thanks for the welcome! You are beautiful and I've missed you!
Zoie - Thank you for the welcome, and also thank you for your email a while back!
Little Miss Thin <3 - I've missed you as well! I'm sorry for causing you worry, I hope you have been safe and happy lately! <3
Beth - Thank you! hugs and smiles! :)
Rain - Thank you for your lovely words, they made me smile! You are a wordsmith, I wish I could articulate comments as well as you. :) I hope you have a very beautiful day! <3
I alternate between bingeing and fasting, passion and detachment. Even as I view food as a toxic pollutant, unclean and unsafe, I crave the contamination. I kneel on the white tiles, like so many others, and it comes back up in desperate heaves, and I swear never again, like we all say. But again and again, I fall. Yet I take comfort knowing that in order to have fallen, I have risen, a little at least.
Size double zero. The number in the tag of my jeans comforts me slightly and fails to erase the fat I clearly see in the mirror under the bright accusing lights. I despise every inch and pound.
I feel as if I have lived more months and years than my actual chronological age. Age and the complexities surrounding it fascinates me.
My very first time. His name is Alex. He has said he loves me; I see it in his eyes and feel it in his actions. His hipbones dug into me as he lay on top. Our breathing merges, our heartbeats run wildly. My clothes in a heap on the creaking wood floor next to the condoms, my mind in a tangle of tissue thin thoughts. As he entered me, the intense pain overwhelmed me, my legs involuntarily attempted to close. Deep rough thrusts. He finishes. We slip into sleep together under the dreamcatcher.
A researcher contacted me about a research study involving pro anorexia blogs/websites. I think it would help others gain a better understanding of eating disorders in general. If you would like to participate, click here.
Love and thanks to these lovely people:
SilentNightmare - Thank you very much! I am not much of a writer though.
Judith Marie - I've missed you tons! I'm sorry for worrying you, I'm glad you are safe as well. :) My weight has remained stable unfortunately (sigh b/p). Much love and happiness to you too!
Sam Lupin - Hi love! You made me smile, and I'll hopefully keep smiling! It's nice to see that the layout of your blog has stayed relatively the same since the last time I was on blogger in December, I love returning to a familiar place, it fills me with comfort. I hope you have a lovely day!
Marie - Thank you for your sweet words, I hope you find lots of happiness today. <3
I do, I do. - Thank you lots! I feel motivated to post more frequently!
xXzapxfireXx- Thank you for the welcome back!:)
S. - Hi it's been a while! I'm glad you are still here on blogger:)
Lucy's Shadow - Thank you, I'm happy to be back and to catch up on what everyone's been up to!
Depressed Skinny Mess - Many thanks for the welcome! You are beautiful and I've missed you!
Zoie - Thank you for the welcome, and also thank you for your email a while back!
Little Miss Thin <3 - I've missed you as well! I'm sorry for causing you worry, I hope you have been safe and happy lately! <3
Beth - Thank you! hugs and smiles! :)
Rain - Thank you for your lovely words, they made me smile! You are a wordsmith, I wish I could articulate comments as well as you. :) I hope you have a very beautiful day! <3
Sunday, March 4, 2012
back
I'm sorry, sorry, sorry for being away for a while, too long. I've thought of this place often, thought of the beautiful people often with that aching feeling in my heart, but stayed away for reasons I don't fully know or understand. I don't know if anyone still reads this blog, but I'm back, hopefully for good.
So much has changed, and so much has not. Food is still my refuge and hell. I am caught somewhere in the perpetual cycle of attempting to abandon the physical realm of needs and feelings through bingeing, purging, fasting, self-hate, control and lack of control. I still wish to become wispy and brittle like the branches of trees in the winter, even as the days grow warmer. I still wait for my bones to burst through the paper thin layer of skin.
But I've grown much older since my last post, I think, through experiences. Experiences that were awful, experiences that were unreal, experiences that were raw and beautiful. I shared myself with someone I love for the first time, sex is completely not what I had imagined. I remembered I had friends when I had my recent birthday party even as I threw up the ice cream cake in the bathroom. I'll elaborate on the events of January and February soon.
I hope everyone is safe, and hopefully happier. We all deserve happiness, though it seems increasingly difficult to find at times.
So much has changed, and so much has not. Food is still my refuge and hell. I am caught somewhere in the perpetual cycle of attempting to abandon the physical realm of needs and feelings through bingeing, purging, fasting, self-hate, control and lack of control. I still wish to become wispy and brittle like the branches of trees in the winter, even as the days grow warmer. I still wait for my bones to burst through the paper thin layer of skin.
But I've grown much older since my last post, I think, through experiences. Experiences that were awful, experiences that were unreal, experiences that were raw and beautiful. I shared myself with someone I love for the first time, sex is completely not what I had imagined. I remembered I had friends when I had my recent birthday party even as I threw up the ice cream cake in the bathroom. I'll elaborate on the events of January and February soon.
I hope everyone is safe, and hopefully happier. We all deserve happiness, though it seems increasingly difficult to find at times.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
dear Santa
His hands are fire, but the freezing picnic table sends shivers through my body, a bed surrounded by curtains of trees. We lie facing the sky above, the stars become a thousand iridescent strands of Christmas lights. Listening to the sounds of silence, I breathe in and out, almost motionlessly, to preserve this delicate moment, fragile and fleeting like a snowflake captured. My fears, hate, sadness, have left, replaced by pure innocent happiness and the world is everything I used to believe in.
I remember my misspelled letters to Santa, wanting dogs ponies everything, thinking that the white bearded man could make all my wishes come true. I am still young, and this year, this Christmas, is the first time I've truly reflected on what this holiday means to me, to others, to society. I've realized material possessions bring me momentary, fleeting happiness, but other more permanent things have continuously brought me joy throughout my life.
Friendship. Love. Health. Laughter. Passionate kisses. Gratitude. Intertwined hands. Rain and sunshine. Dreams during long hours of sleep. If only they could all be wrapped in shining gold paper and tape, hidden under the branches of the tree, and opened every day, each morning, for the rest of our lives. And maybe it's possible. Anything is within our reach, if our determination, will power is strong enough.
My letter to Santa would be white and unwritten this year, I'm not sure of what I truly want, think, feel anymore, but I trust in wherever this life leads me, even if the stars are black some nights.
Merry Christmas, I hope each one of you has had an amazing day. Stay positive, stay lovely, stay you. Never forget you are loved, because you are, I promise.
Thanks for commenting. <3
becca;- Thank you for your support dear.
stillimagining- I wish I had taken a picture when I used to be a size 2, I'll make sure I take one now. Thank you for the advice!
miss alisha- Your insight is always so thoughtful, thank you.
Anafly- I genuinely smiled when I read your comment.
Neeska- Reflections are a tricky thing, aren't they? I hope you have a lovely day!
Anonymous- I'm not sure at the moment, I'll elaborate in my next post perhaps, I wish I had a more definite answer to give you. I hope you are happy too, we all deserve to be.
Oceanic Melody73- Thank you so much for your support, I hope you've had an amazing day.
Chloe- Thank you bunches for the reassurance.
Judith Marie- You make me feel good, happy, proud of myself. Thank you for your encouragement, you are an amazing person, never forget.
Lucy's Shadow- Hugs! My wrist is fixed now, thank you for your concern.
Sam Lupin- I've missed your words, they remind me of the ocean.
Little Miss Thin <3- I hope I get a more accurate scale soon. Thank you for your comment!
Depressed Skinny Mess- I hope you have a lovely day, thank you for your support.
xXzapxfireXx- I can't wait to weigh myself more accurately, I hope you have an amazing day.
Olivia Lee- Thank you, I hope I can write as beautifully and well as you, one day.
AVY- Thank you for your comment.
Elle Marie- You are more amazing.
lulu- You will reach your goals, anything is possible, and your goals are within your reach.
Silvia- A thousand thanks for making me smile.
Zoie- I send my love also, thank you.
Princess Perfection- I've missed you tons, I'm ecstatic you're back dear.
My letter to Santa would be white and unwritten this year, I'm not sure of what I truly want, think, feel anymore, but I trust in wherever this life leads me, even if the stars are black some nights.
Merry Christmas, I hope each one of you has had an amazing day. Stay positive, stay lovely, stay you. Never forget you are loved, because you are, I promise.
Thanks for commenting. <3
becca;- Thank you for your support dear.
stillimagining- I wish I had taken a picture when I used to be a size 2, I'll make sure I take one now. Thank you for the advice!
miss alisha- Your insight is always so thoughtful, thank you.
Anafly- I genuinely smiled when I read your comment.
Neeska- Reflections are a tricky thing, aren't they? I hope you have a lovely day!
Anonymous- I'm not sure at the moment, I'll elaborate in my next post perhaps, I wish I had a more definite answer to give you. I hope you are happy too, we all deserve to be.
Oceanic Melody73- Thank you so much for your support, I hope you've had an amazing day.
Chloe- Thank you bunches for the reassurance.
Judith Marie- You make me feel good, happy, proud of myself. Thank you for your encouragement, you are an amazing person, never forget.
Lucy's Shadow- Hugs! My wrist is fixed now, thank you for your concern.
Sam Lupin- I've missed your words, they remind me of the ocean.
Little Miss Thin <3- I hope I get a more accurate scale soon. Thank you for your comment!
Depressed Skinny Mess- I hope you have a lovely day, thank you for your support.
xXzapxfireXx- I can't wait to weigh myself more accurately, I hope you have an amazing day.
Olivia Lee- Thank you, I hope I can write as beautifully and well as you, one day.
AVY- Thank you for your comment.
Elle Marie- You are more amazing.
lulu- You will reach your goals, anything is possible, and your goals are within your reach.
Silvia- A thousand thanks for making me smile.
Zoie- I send my love also, thank you.
Princess Perfection- I've missed you tons, I'm ecstatic you're back dear.
Monday, December 5, 2011
double zero
Faded frayed pale blue size two jeans, lifelessly hanging like a corpse. It's been months since they've left the darkness of the closet. New stiff dark navy skinny jeans, double zero, on my legs, hanging perfectly. Counting backwards, 2, 1, 0, 00. Three sizes down and my reflection in the broken mirror has not changed at all. A new scale is desperately needed. Mine tells me 105 pounds, a friend's digital scale says 98. It's better to overestimate though, rather than believe lies. My period is a month late.
I once felt as if I was spilling out of myself, left with just a lonely body; lost and searching for the little pieces that ran away into a mirror and I followed. But now, I'm all here, I think. I function efficiently, I'm aware of my surroundings. I smile, cry, talk. I'm quite certain I deserve to be human again.
Dry crunchy single piece of bread, folded in half, hoping no one sees there's nothing inside, 65 calories. Three grapes. My stomach's learned not to growl anymore. Later, I purge two pieces of chocolate. Meat feels dirty, vegetarianism seems appealing.
The screen flickers metallic light and I see Alex searching in his closet. He hands me a drink, soda he says. It's my very first time, but I realize the strange taste of something, alcohol. We lay stretched out on his bed, me under the covers, cold. My head against his left shoulder, with his right hand, he casually flicks his knife, tossing it expertly. He's one of those inherently fascinating people with crazy stories, a life story more complex than fiction.
I know it can be difficult for us, anyone, to keep a true smile on their face. I'm here, always, if you need some encouragement or if you need a listener. We all need love. I love you all and I hope everyone has a beautiful, lovely day, because each one of you deserves it.
Thanks to
Little Miss Thin
Judith Marie
miss alisha
Bones
Christina
Lucy's Shadow
becca;
Chloe
jackie
Beth
Depressed Skinny Mess
AA
alice ana
Princess Perfection
OceanicMelody73
Thin or Not
for all of your support and lovely words.
I once felt as if I was spilling out of myself, left with just a lonely body; lost and searching for the little pieces that ran away into a mirror and I followed. But now, I'm all here, I think. I function efficiently, I'm aware of my surroundings. I smile, cry, talk. I'm quite certain I deserve to be human again.
Dry crunchy single piece of bread, folded in half, hoping no one sees there's nothing inside, 65 calories. Three grapes. My stomach's learned not to growl anymore. Later, I purge two pieces of chocolate. Meat feels dirty, vegetarianism seems appealing.
The screen flickers metallic light and I see Alex searching in his closet. He hands me a drink, soda he says. It's my very first time, but I realize the strange taste of something, alcohol. We lay stretched out on his bed, me under the covers, cold. My head against his left shoulder, with his right hand, he casually flicks his knife, tossing it expertly. He's one of those inherently fascinating people with crazy stories, a life story more complex than fiction.
I know it can be difficult for us, anyone, to keep a true smile on their face. I'm here, always, if you need some encouragement or if you need a listener. We all need love. I love you all and I hope everyone has a beautiful, lovely day, because each one of you deserves it.
Thanks to
Little Miss Thin
Judith Marie
miss alisha
Bones
Christina
Lucy's Shadow
becca;
Chloe
jackie
Beth
Depressed Skinny Mess
AA
alice ana
Princess Perfection
OceanicMelody73
Thin or Not
for all of your support and lovely words.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
broken wrist, broken spirit
I follow the train tracks, like bare empty bones, like ribs, fire colored trees on either side. Dry leaves breaking, the only sound I hear. The tracks pass under a bridge, and I pause. Bright, obscene graffiti, and beer cans scattered amongst the leaves. I'm all alone, but there's a sense of recklessness left behind from others who came to this same place. I continue carefully over the blue gray rocks and parallel bars of the tracks, past a sign forbidding trespassers, a shady nightclub. I'm tempted to lie down, to feel the hard tracks against my body, to hear the vibrations of the coming train.
A sharp intense pain explodes in my right wrist, a thousand times worse than anything I have ever felt in my lifetime. My words don't make sense and the world turns patches of dark. At the hospital, three hours pass before I'm given a pill of Ibuprofen. A fracture in my radius, the doctor says. Not one tear escapes during the entire time, physical pain is a short red papercut in comparison to emotional pain.
Alex tells me he hears that B has a girlfriend, freckles across her face. It's not confirmed yet, but I relapse into the familiar pattern. B, the guy I've known for five years, the guy who liked me when I was ugly, the one with the soft blue eyes, the one who trades jokes with me and slows down to walk beside me. Alex doesn't realize I'm sad, he tells me I can do better, tells me B is like boring like cardboard. I honestly thought he could save me from myself, believed he could help me be the type of person I had always hoped to be. I was stupid, for thinking he could care for me, thinking he could care for a girl with issues with food, intimacy, self injury, anger.
Avoiding eating is much easier now, with a broken wrist. I was having a 100 calorie day, until I gave in to 300 calorie ice cream and two spoonfuls of peanut butter. I fit into double zero shorts now, tight, but they fit.
I don't want to always live in this faded world of self-destruction and hunger and despair and self-absorption, but where else can I go? Someone please show me the train tracks that lead away from here, I think I'm almost ready to follow them out.
Much love to
Sam Lupin
Depressed Skinny Mess
becca;
Marie
Judith Marie
Lucy's Shadow
Run
miss alisha
jackie
Christina
Chloe
Neeska
deseperee de maigrir
Perfection and Ana
Evelyn
Nichole S.
Bones
Dani
Anafly
for commenting. Each one of you beautiful people makes me smile with pure happiness.(: I'll be catching up on everyone's lovely blogs, but I might either leave a short comment or no comment, I apologize. I'm typing with one hand, but once my wrist heals, I'll be able to blog more frequently.
A sharp intense pain explodes in my right wrist, a thousand times worse than anything I have ever felt in my lifetime. My words don't make sense and the world turns patches of dark. At the hospital, three hours pass before I'm given a pill of Ibuprofen. A fracture in my radius, the doctor says. Not one tear escapes during the entire time, physical pain is a short red papercut in comparison to emotional pain.
Alex tells me he hears that B has a girlfriend, freckles across her face. It's not confirmed yet, but I relapse into the familiar pattern. B, the guy I've known for five years, the guy who liked me when I was ugly, the one with the soft blue eyes, the one who trades jokes with me and slows down to walk beside me. Alex doesn't realize I'm sad, he tells me I can do better, tells me B is like boring like cardboard. I honestly thought he could save me from myself, believed he could help me be the type of person I had always hoped to be. I was stupid, for thinking he could care for me, thinking he could care for a girl with issues with food, intimacy, self injury, anger.
Avoiding eating is much easier now, with a broken wrist. I was having a 100 calorie day, until I gave in to 300 calorie ice cream and two spoonfuls of peanut butter. I fit into double zero shorts now, tight, but they fit.
I don't want to always live in this faded world of self-destruction and hunger and despair and self-absorption, but where else can I go? Someone please show me the train tracks that lead away from here, I think I'm almost ready to follow them out.
Much love to
Sam Lupin
Depressed Skinny Mess
becca;
Marie
Judith Marie
Lucy's Shadow
Run
miss alisha
jackie
Christina
Chloe
Neeska
deseperee de maigrir
Perfection and Ana
Evelyn
Nichole S.
Bones
Dani
Anafly
for commenting. Each one of you beautiful people makes me smile with pure happiness.(: I'll be catching up on everyone's lovely blogs, but I might either leave a short comment or no comment, I apologize. I'm typing with one hand, but once my wrist heals, I'll be able to blog more frequently.
Friday, November 4, 2011
red lines etched over purple bruises
pages from my journal
October 31st
Unseen raindrops fall lightly around me, yellow rays from the streetlights weakly shine through the blackness and disappear. Navy dress and boots. Waiting has become a habit, my thinking time. Thoughts random and messy, distorted as if by a thousand mirrors.
Alex and Adrienne already in the backseat of S's car when I climb in. I barely know these people; they know almost nothing about me, yet see secrets I thought I'd hidden away. The colors of traffic lights, bright in the darkness, blur with the rectangular shapes of buildings and the world seems surreal. S is driving much too fast, as if we're running from life itself.
"You're anorexic, look at you," Alex comments, I deny, and it's impossible to decide whether he's serious. Later that night, when I'm no longer in the car, I know I'm still going much too fast.
November 1st
The clock's hands pierce the black numbers, 11:11 pm. I wish for happiness, something I don't quite understand anymore.
November 3rd
Red lines etched over purple bruises and light skin. Burning and pain as the blood struggles to break free. A reminder. When Hunter asks what happened, I tell him, "I can't remember."
The scale says 104.
November 4th
"She's always messing with her hair, she thinks she's so sexy," I hear these words, words like these for the very first time, I see the girl that said them, and my heart stops. So unfair, so inaccurate, I want to cry. I can deal with being called a bitch, fat, shy, but I am definitely not stuck-up or arrogant. And it hurts like hell, coming from the same girl that's always pulling out her makeup and brush, the same girl who once begged me not to cut my hair because "It's so pretty!", the same girl that inspired a club all about despising her.
I wanted to show her my scars, show her how I puke after bingeing, but most of all, I wanted to show her all the hurt and pain inside.
And I can't help but wonder if everyone secretly hates me. I try to be a good person, I truly do.
Thanks to
SkinnyLittleMe
JudithMarie
Chloe
Lucy's Shadow
Thin Thrills
Little Miss Thin
jackie
Beth
Depressed Skinny Mess
Christina
BrazilianSpice
for being everything I needed. I'll stay away from drugs, I promise. I hope you all are having a very lovely day, if you need anything, I am here, always.
October 31st
Unseen raindrops fall lightly around me, yellow rays from the streetlights weakly shine through the blackness and disappear. Navy dress and boots. Waiting has become a habit, my thinking time. Thoughts random and messy, distorted as if by a thousand mirrors.
Alex and Adrienne already in the backseat of S's car when I climb in. I barely know these people; they know almost nothing about me, yet see secrets I thought I'd hidden away. The colors of traffic lights, bright in the darkness, blur with the rectangular shapes of buildings and the world seems surreal. S is driving much too fast, as if we're running from life itself.
"You're anorexic, look at you," Alex comments, I deny, and it's impossible to decide whether he's serious. Later that night, when I'm no longer in the car, I know I'm still going much too fast.
November 1st
The clock's hands pierce the black numbers, 11:11 pm. I wish for happiness, something I don't quite understand anymore.
November 3rd
Red lines etched over purple bruises and light skin. Burning and pain as the blood struggles to break free. A reminder. When Hunter asks what happened, I tell him, "I can't remember."
The scale says 104.
November 4th
"She's always messing with her hair, she thinks she's so sexy," I hear these words, words like these for the very first time, I see the girl that said them, and my heart stops. So unfair, so inaccurate, I want to cry. I can deal with being called a bitch, fat, shy, but I am definitely not stuck-up or arrogant. And it hurts like hell, coming from the same girl that's always pulling out her makeup and brush, the same girl who once begged me not to cut my hair because "It's so pretty!", the same girl that inspired a club all about despising her.
I wanted to show her my scars, show her how I puke after bingeing, but most of all, I wanted to show her all the hurt and pain inside.
And I can't help but wonder if everyone secretly hates me. I try to be a good person, I truly do.
Thanks to
SkinnyLittleMe
JudithMarie
Chloe
Lucy's Shadow
Thin Thrills
Little Miss Thin
jackie
Beth
Depressed Skinny Mess
Christina
BrazilianSpice
for being everything I needed. I'll stay away from drugs, I promise. I hope you all are having a very lovely day, if you need anything, I am here, always.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
black and purple
Bruises up and down my arms, painful and purple. Only two yesterday morning, several more now, and I have no memory of getting injured there. Bruises up and down my mind, painful and black; blood wells below the surface of my skin, words I wish I could say hide inside my head.
We sit there, talking, without warning he says, "What do you weigh? Like 90 pounds? You're so fucking skinny," And I laugh. 104 pounds really.
And it seems that the more I lose, the more attention I get, not necessarily wanted. Walking down an empty hall, a guy passes and out of the corner of my eye I see him do a double take, mouth open. Another guy, same initials as me, asks for my number, accidentally washes off the pink highlighter while he's high, asks for it again. "Want to "study"?" he asks, emphasis and hidden meaning, and adds "Nice jeans,"
I can see white powder, contrasting with the darkness of the room, gray shadows of people against the walls. Heroin, I think. A sharp needle point, presses against a thin blue river curving on my arm, hand shaking, it breaks through. And I wake up, no puncture marks on my arm, just bruises.
Comment Replies
Judith Marie- An incredibly, beautiful memory, described so perfectly, I felt as if I watched it happen. Thank you so much for sharing it with me. I hope you have a very lovely day!
Sam Lupin- You know, I truly realize the power and beautiful of words when I read, experience, your writing. You bring so much light into my days, I hope I can shine just as bright for you.
jackie- Thank you for always being there for me, and for bringing me back when I feel like falling.
Depressed Skinny Mess- Thank you incredibly, you're right, I must stay strong, I won't give up.
Tempest- I agree, so many here in this community write with such beauty. I hope you have an amazing day, you deserve it!
alice ana- I've missed your comments, thank you for bringing a smile to my face. Major congratulations on being 98 pounds, you're beautiful inside and out. Please take care though, and I'll try to do the same. Much love.
Lucy's Shadow- Welcome back, you always inspire me to do my best!
the outside in to thin- I love your username, by the way. Thank you so much for your lovely words!
We sit there, talking, without warning he says, "What do you weigh? Like 90 pounds? You're so fucking skinny," And I laugh. 104 pounds really.
And it seems that the more I lose, the more attention I get, not necessarily wanted. Walking down an empty hall, a guy passes and out of the corner of my eye I see him do a double take, mouth open. Another guy, same initials as me, asks for my number, accidentally washes off the pink highlighter while he's high, asks for it again. "Want to "study"?" he asks, emphasis and hidden meaning, and adds "Nice jeans,"
I can see white powder, contrasting with the darkness of the room, gray shadows of people against the walls. Heroin, I think. A sharp needle point, presses against a thin blue river curving on my arm, hand shaking, it breaks through. And I wake up, no puncture marks on my arm, just bruises.
Comment Replies
Judith Marie- An incredibly, beautiful memory, described so perfectly, I felt as if I watched it happen. Thank you so much for sharing it with me. I hope you have a very lovely day!
Sam Lupin- You know, I truly realize the power and beautiful of words when I read, experience, your writing. You bring so much light into my days, I hope I can shine just as bright for you.
jackie- Thank you for always being there for me, and for bringing me back when I feel like falling.
Depressed Skinny Mess- Thank you incredibly, you're right, I must stay strong, I won't give up.
Tempest- I agree, so many here in this community write with such beauty. I hope you have an amazing day, you deserve it!
alice ana- I've missed your comments, thank you for bringing a smile to my face. Major congratulations on being 98 pounds, you're beautiful inside and out. Please take care though, and I'll try to do the same. Much love.
Lucy's Shadow- Welcome back, you always inspire me to do my best!
the outside in to thin- I love your username, by the way. Thank you so much for your lovely words!
Saturday, October 15, 2011
for the beautiful ones
for Sam Lupin, whose words, words not simply black against the oblivion of white, but words of a thousand shades, the color of flickering heat smoldering on dry logs, the indescribable color of the sea under the glare of the sun, leave me breathless and alive; the one who has always been there, a safe shelter in the midst of the darkest storms. Looking out into the night, a single candle against the emptiness, a star shining brightly, reassuringly; it reminded me of you. I wish I could describe how amazing, how much you mean to me and others, words fail me. Thank you for being you. <3
for Dani, always there with advice and kind words, not only a thinspiration, but an inspiration for being a beautiful person in spirit and body. You give me hope.
for Jackie, who has an incredibly sweet and caring heart, a shoulder to cry on, like an older sister I've always wanted. You're beautiful, never forget it.
for Just Jessica, Little Miss Thin, kes, alice ana, Alex, Olivia Lee, missinsanity, becca;, Marie, Neeska, Cinnamon Brown, Elle Marie, Thin Thighs, Beth, Lucy's Shadow, Ahava, Wings to Set me Free, Bones, thisismeskinny, amelia, lulu, Run, Catherine, Megs, Empty Shell, Jane Pansy, Rain, Tempest, Judith Marie, and all the beautiful ones out there.
I want you to know that you are are absolutely gorgeous, absolutely perfect, just the way you are. Although I've never seen any of you, I know you are beautiful people, because your words touch me, bring a smile to my face, and I can see the radiance of your personalities and love for others.
Thank you. <3
_______________________________
"You look so fragile. I could easily throw you over my shoulders and carry you," he said.
And I am fragile, in mind. As I walk, as I write, as I work, I fall into my own world. I wonder who I am, repeat my name until it seems familiar, until it fits again. I wonder what I am doing, how I got here. Driving down the road, the wheel feels so strange in my hands and the cars aren't real anymore.
People fade to the dull shade of a half-remembered dream. I look past them, through them. I glance at myself through a tinted distorted glass, disconnected and trying to link the pieces that crumbled. Running my hands over the dark denim covering my legs, paranoid that it's not actually a size 0, feeling the bones waiting to protrude, I am out of place in this body.
I crash back, falling hard onto the concrete of reality. Sometimes being alive, truly alive, is a sharp pain, a reminder of existence, the jagged edges of glass painted with a deep red of blood. Life hurtles itself, a frigid wind that we struggle to run against.
Harder and harder I try to lose my body, more and more of my mind slips away into a haze of thorns and pure nothingness.
for Dani, always there with advice and kind words, not only a thinspiration, but an inspiration for being a beautiful person in spirit and body. You give me hope.
for Jackie, who has an incredibly sweet and caring heart, a shoulder to cry on, like an older sister I've always wanted. You're beautiful, never forget it.
for Just Jessica, Little Miss Thin, kes, alice ana, Alex, Olivia Lee, missinsanity, becca;, Marie, Neeska, Cinnamon Brown, Elle Marie, Thin Thighs, Beth, Lucy's Shadow, Ahava, Wings to Set me Free, Bones, thisismeskinny, amelia, lulu, Run, Catherine, Megs, Empty Shell, Jane Pansy, Rain, Tempest, Judith Marie, and all the beautiful ones out there.
I want you to know that you are are absolutely gorgeous, absolutely perfect, just the way you are. Although I've never seen any of you, I know you are beautiful people, because your words touch me, bring a smile to my face, and I can see the radiance of your personalities and love for others.
Thank you. <3
_______________________________
"You look so fragile. I could easily throw you over my shoulders and carry you," he said.
And I am fragile, in mind. As I walk, as I write, as I work, I fall into my own world. I wonder who I am, repeat my name until it seems familiar, until it fits again. I wonder what I am doing, how I got here. Driving down the road, the wheel feels so strange in my hands and the cars aren't real anymore.
People fade to the dull shade of a half-remembered dream. I look past them, through them. I glance at myself through a tinted distorted glass, disconnected and trying to link the pieces that crumbled. Running my hands over the dark denim covering my legs, paranoid that it's not actually a size 0, feeling the bones waiting to protrude, I am out of place in this body.
I crash back, falling hard onto the concrete of reality. Sometimes being alive, truly alive, is a sharp pain, a reminder of existence, the jagged edges of glass painted with a deep red of blood. Life hurtles itself, a frigid wind that we struggle to run against.
Harder and harder I try to lose my body, more and more of my mind slips away into a haze of thorns and pure nothingness.
Monday, October 3, 2011
all the little things
and it's strange how now, after spending much too long at my lowest point, there's everything to live for. Because life IS worth it. Because I am worth it. Because YOU are worth it. Choose life, always.
It's taken me a while to realize the superficial, the meaningful, and the beautiful little things in life that make it worth living, but they've always been there and always will be.
I smile because...
I love and I am loved by those that matter most
all the opportunities in this world
the rays of sunshine, an indescribable color of light, in the early morning
the perfect shade of blue in his eyes
the looseness in my size 0 jeans
the innocence and sweetness of my younger sister
smiles from strangers
finding sticky notes saying "You are beautiful"
an extra five minutes of sleep in the morning
being introduced as "the gorgeous one" to someone
the kindness shown by people
life is exciting, tempting, amazing again
I smile because I know that even though in the future, my smile will be replaced by tears, there will always be a reason to smile again.
Oh, and I smile because of you. (:
Thank you for commenting, it truly makes my day.
thisismeskinny
jackie
Bones
Kim
Wings to Set me Free
Sam Lupin
kes
lulu
Ahava
Chloe
Lucy's Shadow
Beth
Elle Marie
Marie
Tempest
Judith Marie
becca;
Little Miss Thin
Dani
BrazilianSpice
deseperee de maigrir
It's taken me a while to realize the superficial, the meaningful, and the beautiful little things in life that make it worth living, but they've always been there and always will be.
I smile because...
I love and I am loved by those that matter most
all the opportunities in this world
the rays of sunshine, an indescribable color of light, in the early morning
the perfect shade of blue in his eyes
the looseness in my size 0 jeans
the innocence and sweetness of my younger sister
smiles from strangers
finding sticky notes saying "You are beautiful"
an extra five minutes of sleep in the morning
being introduced as "the gorgeous one" to someone
the kindness shown by people
life is exciting, tempting, amazing again
I smile because I know that even though in the future, my smile will be replaced by tears, there will always be a reason to smile again.
Oh, and I smile because of you. (:
Thank you for commenting, it truly makes my day.
thisismeskinny
jackie
Bones
Kim
Wings to Set me Free
Sam Lupin
kes
lulu
Ahava
Chloe
Lucy's Shadow
Beth
Elle Marie
Marie
Tempest
Judith Marie
becca;
Little Miss Thin
Dani
BrazilianSpice
deseperee de maigrir
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
"darkness is drawn to darkness"
It lurks inside me, a black layer struggling to break through the surface. It attracts people with the same darkness inside. We size each other up while keeping ourselves contained inside neat little boxes, speaking carefully, hiding. Different issues, different nightmares, but blood is always the same deep red and our scars and wounds on the inside hurt the same.
I am a huge 105 pounds now, gained 5 pounds since I started cross country.
His eyes are the shade of the sky on a perfect day, not the stormy unpredictable blue of J's eyes, not the sharp penetrating glare of his green eyes, nor H's dark brown eyes clouded with drugs. B calms me, makes me forget and live again. And I know he can give me a quiet kind of love, the kind that I need the most.
It's been about a month since I lasted posted here. It feels like years, I feel older. I'm happy, I really am. But I feel restless, I'm ready to return to my old lifestyle and live it harder and faster than before.
A thousand thanks to
Catherine
Sam Lupin
Christina
Dani
parisienne.love
desepaeree de maigrir
Neeska
Run
lulu
Wings to Set me Free
Ahava
Judith Marie
jackie
amilie
Aria
Candy
for commenting. I've missed everyone, so much. I promise not to leave for so long again, unless I must. Lots of love. <3
And if I was a reader of your blog before my absence, I would appreciate it if you left a link to your blog in a comment, so I can catch up on your lives.
I talk, trying to fill the empty space between us with words, any words, meaningless words and ones with so much unbearable emotions. And I wonder if it's too late to break through the wall between us.
His eyes are the shade of the sky on a perfect day, not the stormy unpredictable blue of J's eyes, not the sharp penetrating glare of his green eyes, nor H's dark brown eyes clouded with drugs. B calms me, makes me forget and live again. And I know he can give me a quiet kind of love, the kind that I need the most.
It's been about a month since I lasted posted here. It feels like years, I feel older. I'm happy, I really am. But I feel restless, I'm ready to return to my old lifestyle and live it harder and faster than before.
A thousand thanks to
Catherine
Sam Lupin
Christina
Dani
parisienne.love
desepaeree de maigrir
Neeska
Run
lulu
Wings to Set me Free
Ahava
Judith Marie
jackie
amilie
Aria
Candy
for commenting. I've missed everyone, so much. I promise not to leave for so long again, unless I must. Lots of love. <3
And if I was a reader of your blog before my absence, I would appreciate it if you left a link to your blog in a comment, so I can catch up on your lives.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
dancing like nobody is watching (Cinnamon Brown, please read!)
I'm sorry I have been away for a while, I promise to catch up on your blogs soon!
Trapped behind these thin glass walls of a mirror, alone with your thoughts, it gets isolating. And when you shatter the barrier, even for just a few hours, you'll find that in the other world, things are bright and colorful and alive, sharply contrasting with the dark hollow place you left, hollow like an empty stomach and the space between your hipbones.
I've swallowed the beat of the music, it pounds inside me along with my beating heart. My body moves of its own accord, free, escaped from its bonds. The crowd of bodies, indistinct in the darkness, pressing against me, pulsing, forming a single mass of movement. Laughs, shouts mingle with the words of the song. And I dance like nobody is watching, not even myself.
To Cinnamon Brown, (If anyone has her email address, I'd love it if you sent her a link to this post)
I'm sorry this has taken me forever to post! I am incredibly, incredibly sad that you have left blogger, but I am happy that you are moving on and devoting more time to your life. I miss you so much, you helped me hope and learn and smile. Your warm advice and friendly, common sense, humor, and kind words carried me through some of my darkest times. You are one of a kind, truly unique. I cried when I read your comment and found out you were leaving. You will always be in my heart, I promise. Even if we have never met in person, I think of you as one of my friends. If you ever need anything, I am always here for you. Thank you, for being you. I hope that you will find what you are searching for in this life. Wherever life may take you, I send my love and caring with you. <3
Thanks to
Catharina
Sophie
Bonjour Bones !
Marie
Neeska
Sam Lupin
Lucy's Shadow
Clear Girl
Little Miss Thin
crashxDburn
Run
amelia
jackie
Nichole S.
EmptyShell
Dotty Mcilduff
for giving me strength and caring and kind words. I hope you all have a very lovely day, I will catch up on your blogs very soon!
Trapped behind these thin glass walls of a mirror, alone with your thoughts, it gets isolating. And when you shatter the barrier, even for just a few hours, you'll find that in the other world, things are bright and colorful and alive, sharply contrasting with the dark hollow place you left, hollow like an empty stomach and the space between your hipbones.
I've swallowed the beat of the music, it pounds inside me along with my beating heart. My body moves of its own accord, free, escaped from its bonds. The crowd of bodies, indistinct in the darkness, pressing against me, pulsing, forming a single mass of movement. Laughs, shouts mingle with the words of the song. And I dance like nobody is watching, not even myself.
To Cinnamon Brown, (If anyone has her email address, I'd love it if you sent her a link to this post)
I'm sorry this has taken me forever to post! I am incredibly, incredibly sad that you have left blogger, but I am happy that you are moving on and devoting more time to your life. I miss you so much, you helped me hope and learn and smile. Your warm advice and friendly, common sense, humor, and kind words carried me through some of my darkest times. You are one of a kind, truly unique. I cried when I read your comment and found out you were leaving. You will always be in my heart, I promise. Even if we have never met in person, I think of you as one of my friends. If you ever need anything, I am always here for you. Thank you, for being you. I hope that you will find what you are searching for in this life. Wherever life may take you, I send my love and caring with you. <3
Thanks to
Catharina
Sophie
Bonjour Bones !
Marie
Neeska
Sam Lupin
Lucy's Shadow
Clear Girl
Little Miss Thin
crashxDburn
Run
amelia
jackie
Nichole S.
EmptyShell
Dotty Mcilduff
for giving me strength and caring and kind words. I hope you all have a very lovely day, I will catch up on your blogs very soon!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
I never thought I would be the one
I never thought I would be the one to find myself, index finger forced to the back of the throat, my knees against the cold white floor tiles, surrendering. Looking in the mirror afterwards, I was surprised to see watery eyes and tears from the effort of purging. And then I cried for real.
I had ran four miles, breathing in out, in out, right knee painfully bending, unbending; and somehow decided this gave me permission to eat. God, I didn't know it was possible to binge on meat.
Purging, it seemed so wrong, an incorrect answer to a twisted problem. It's a path disguised as a shortcut, leading to a terribly wrong place. But I know I would do it again. And again.
Thanks to:
kes
Ahava
lottie x
Catharina
Emma
jackie
Run
MiniandMerry
Dani
Alice
Meg
Olivia Lee
for your lovely comments and kind words. Your support truly means the world to me.
I had ran four miles, breathing in out, in out, right knee painfully bending, unbending; and somehow decided this gave me permission to eat. God, I didn't know it was possible to binge on meat.
Purging, it seemed so wrong, an incorrect answer to a twisted problem. It's a path disguised as a shortcut, leading to a terribly wrong place. But I know I would do it again. And again.
Thanks to:
kes
Ahava
lottie x
Catharina
Emma
jackie
Run
MiniandMerry
Dani
Alice
Meg
Olivia Lee
for your lovely comments and kind words. Your support truly means the world to me.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
restless
She screamed while they sewed up her mouth, until she couldn't anymore. The girl we were babysitting slept in the other room, my friend and I watching the sick scene of the horror movie, me wishing I could sew up my own mouth.
Exercising like crazy, eating like crazy. Addicted to the feeling of tight and strong muscles after running four miles, my hand on my chest to feel the wild pulse of my heart while playing tennis, constant soreness in my abs. Addicted to granola bars and strawberry jam.
Restless in mind and body. Painting lashes with upward strokes, a dark line of black against them, then realizing I would rather not go out. Pacing endlessly in all directions, counting as I go through the up and down movements of sit-ups.
I'm getting somewhere, I can feel it.
Please don't let me eat.
Thanks to:
becca;
Dani
Christina
Olivia Lee
crashxDburn
ascendancy
Jane Pansy
PerfectOxymoron
Rain
Sam Lupin
Little Miss Thin
Run
thisismeskinny
jackie
for commenting. Your support means the world to me. <3
Exercising like crazy, eating like crazy. Addicted to the feeling of tight and strong muscles after running four miles, my hand on my chest to feel the wild pulse of my heart while playing tennis, constant soreness in my abs. Addicted to granola bars and strawberry jam.
Restless in mind and body. Painting lashes with upward strokes, a dark line of black against them, then realizing I would rather not go out. Pacing endlessly in all directions, counting as I go through the up and down movements of sit-ups.
I'm getting somewhere, I can feel it.
Please don't let me eat.
Thanks to:
becca;
Dani
Christina
Olivia Lee
crashxDburn
ascendancy
Jane Pansy
PerfectOxymoron
Rain
Sam Lupin
Little Miss Thin
Run
thisismeskinny
jackie
for commenting. Your support means the world to me. <3
Saturday, August 13, 2011
not ready
The rough carpet scratching against my bare back, his weight on top of me, kissing through the taste of energy drinks and the tired confusion of 4 a.m. I don't want to be here, but there's nowhere else I'd like to be.
"God you're the hottest girl I've been with," he says, his green eyes meeting mine, a line he's probably used dozens of times on dozens of girls, but I'm okay with that. His hands are rough over my body. I wonder if he has a condom, if he can feel the ridges of my hipbones pressing into him through his jeans, if he can hear the pounding of my heartbeat. And it's strange how lonely I feel while so physically close to someone.
He reaches to pull his zipper down, but I reach for my shirt. And I leave before I can make another decision I'll come to regret.
I wasn't ready, and I won't truly be ready until I'm comfortable in this body.
Thanks to
Sam Lupin
Little Miss Thin
crashxDburn
lulu
EmptyShell
Thin or Not
Ahava
Run
Catharina
Dani
for commenting.
"God you're the hottest girl I've been with," he says, his green eyes meeting mine, a line he's probably used dozens of times on dozens of girls, but I'm okay with that. His hands are rough over my body. I wonder if he has a condom, if he can feel the ridges of my hipbones pressing into him through his jeans, if he can hear the pounding of my heartbeat. And it's strange how lonely I feel while so physically close to someone.
He reaches to pull his zipper down, but I reach for my shirt. And I leave before I can make another decision I'll come to regret.
I wasn't ready, and I won't truly be ready until I'm comfortable in this body.
Thanks to
Sam Lupin
Little Miss Thin
crashxDburn
lulu
EmptyShell
Thin or Not
Ahava
Run
Catharina
Dani
for commenting.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Measurements
The tape measurer winding its way around my body, for the very first time.
Chest: 31 inches
Waist: 24 inches
Hip: 33 inches
"Size double zero right?" she asked as she reached for a pair of dark blue jeans, on a shelf too tall for my height of 5"3. "No, zero," I said.
We strive to be something, by trying to become nothing.
A spoonful of yogurt, the rest thrown away. Uneven, jagged edges of a half-eaten apple. A bite of chocolate, spitting it into the trash. Food gets terribly boring, uninteresting. I'm finally truly tired of eating.
Please click here to help Riley Children's Hospital, thank you Skinnygirl for not only raising awareness about this, but actively working to help save lives.
Comment Replies:
HeatherMB- I'm sorry to hear about your knees, I hope they get better! The elliptical seems like a really good workout, I've never tried it though. I hope you have a lovely day!
Sammy- Thank you so much for your comment, you made me smile. (:
Dani- I'm sorry that you had to throw your scale away, his concern for you is truly touching though. I still hope that you find a way to negotiate with him about having a scale, maybe in a month or so! Thank you for your comment!
Skinnygirl- The link is above, I'm glad you are doing this. (:
A Girl with Tiny Intentions- Thank you for commenting, I hope you have a lovely day!
Cinnamon Brown- When I was a kid, I would throw my vitamins down the AC vent things, I had the Fred Flintstone vitamins. It's good to hear that the vitamins helped you stay relatively healthy at your lowest! Thank you for commenting!
RaeLynn- Thank you, your comment made me very happy. I love running cross country and I'm glad you did too. (:
Little Miss Thin- It's great to hear that you did cross country too! And I think the girls on these blogs are like a team, like family, and you're part of that too. (:
Chest: 31 inches
Waist: 24 inches
Hip: 33 inches
"Size double zero right?" she asked as she reached for a pair of dark blue jeans, on a shelf too tall for my height of 5"3. "No, zero," I said.
We strive to be something, by trying to become nothing.
A spoonful of yogurt, the rest thrown away. Uneven, jagged edges of a half-eaten apple. A bite of chocolate, spitting it into the trash. Food gets terribly boring, uninteresting. I'm finally truly tired of eating.
Please click here to help Riley Children's Hospital, thank you Skinnygirl for not only raising awareness about this, but actively working to help save lives.
Comment Replies:
HeatherMB- I'm sorry to hear about your knees, I hope they get better! The elliptical seems like a really good workout, I've never tried it though. I hope you have a lovely day!
Sammy- Thank you so much for your comment, you made me smile. (:
Dani- I'm sorry that you had to throw your scale away, his concern for you is truly touching though. I still hope that you find a way to negotiate with him about having a scale, maybe in a month or so! Thank you for your comment!
Skinnygirl- The link is above, I'm glad you are doing this. (:
A Girl with Tiny Intentions- Thank you for commenting, I hope you have a lovely day!
Cinnamon Brown- When I was a kid, I would throw my vitamins down the AC vent things, I had the Fred Flintstone vitamins. It's good to hear that the vitamins helped you stay relatively healthy at your lowest! Thank you for commenting!
RaeLynn- Thank you, your comment made me very happy. I love running cross country and I'm glad you did too. (:
Little Miss Thin- It's great to hear that you did cross country too! And I think the girls on these blogs are like a team, like family, and you're part of that too. (:
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