dear Santa

His hands are fire, but the freezing picnic table sends shivers through my body, a bed surrounded by curtains of trees. We lie facing the sky above, the stars become a thousand iridescent strands of Christmas lights. Listening to the sounds of silence, I breathe in and out, almost motionlessly, to preserve this delicate moment, fragile and fleeting like a snowflake captured. My fears, hate, sadness, have left, replaced by pure innocent happiness and the world is everything I used to believe in.

I remember my misspelled letters to Santa, wanting dogs ponies everything, thinking that the white bearded man could make all my wishes come true. I am still young, and this year, this Christmas, is the first time I've truly reflected on what this holiday means to me, to others, to society. I've realized material possessions bring me momentary, fleeting happiness, but other more permanent things have continuously brought me joy throughout my life.

Friendship. Love. Health. Laughter. Passionate kisses. Gratitude. Intertwined hands. Rain and sunshine. Dreams during long hours of sleep. If only they could all be wrapped in shining gold paper and tape, hidden under the branches of the tree, and opened every day, each morning, for the rest of our lives. And maybe it's possible. Anything is within our reach, if our determination, will power is strong enough.

My letter to Santa would be white and unwritten this year, I'm not sure of what I truly want, think, feel anymore, but I trust in wherever this life leads me, even if the stars are black some nights.

Merry Christmas, I hope each one of you has had an amazing day. Stay positive, stay lovely, stay you. Never forget you are loved, because you are, I promise.
Thanks for commenting. <3
becca;- Thank you for your support dear.
stillimagining- I wish I had taken a picture when I used to be a size 2, I'll make sure I take one now. Thank you for the advice!
miss alisha- Your insight is always so thoughtful, thank you.
Anafly- I genuinely smiled when I read your comment.
Neeska- Reflections are a tricky thing, aren't they? I hope you have a lovely day!
Anonymous- I'm not sure at the moment, I'll elaborate in my next post perhaps, I wish I had a more definite answer to give you. I hope you are happy too, we all deserve to be.
Oceanic Melody73- Thank you so much for your support, I hope you've had an amazing day.
Chloe- Thank you bunches for the reassurance.
Judith Marie- You make me feel good, happy, proud of myself. Thank you for your encouragement, you are an amazing person, never forget.
Lucy's Shadow- Hugs! My wrist is fixed now, thank you for your concern.
Sam Lupin- I've missed your words, they remind me of the ocean.
Little Miss Thin <3- I hope I get a more accurate scale soon. Thank you for your comment!
Depressed Skinny Mess- I hope you have a lovely day, thank you for your support.
xXzapxfireXx- I can't wait to weigh myself more accurately, I hope you have an amazing day.
Olivia Lee- Thank you, I hope I can write as beautifully and well as you, one day.
AVY- Thank you for your comment.
Elle Marie- You are more amazing.
lulu- You will reach your goals, anything is possible, and your goals are within your reach.
Silvia- A thousand thanks for making me smile.
Zoie- I send my love also, thank you.
Princess Perfection- I've missed you tons, I'm ecstatic you're back dear.

double zero

Faded frayed pale blue size two jeans, lifelessly hanging like a corpse. It's been months since they've left the darkness of the closet. New stiff dark navy skinny jeans, double zero, on my legs, hanging perfectly. Counting backwards, 2, 1, 0, 00. Three sizes down and my reflection in the broken mirror has not changed at all. A new scale is desperately needed. Mine tells me 105 pounds, a friend's digital scale says 98. It's better to overestimate though, rather than believe lies. My period is a month late.

I once felt as if I was spilling out of myself, left with just a lonely body; lost and searching for the little pieces that ran away into a mirror and I followed. But now, I'm all here, I think. I function efficiently, I'm aware of my surroundings. I smile, cry, talk. I'm quite certain I deserve to be human again.

Dry crunchy single piece of bread, folded in half, hoping no one sees there's nothing inside, 65 calories. Three grapes. My stomach's learned not to growl anymore. Later, I purge two pieces of chocolate. Meat feels dirty, vegetarianism seems appealing.

The screen flickers metallic light and I see Alex searching in his closet. He hands me a drink, soda he says. It's my very first time, but I realize the strange taste of something, alcohol. We lay stretched out on his bed, me under the covers, cold. My head against his left shoulder, with his right hand, he casually flicks his knife, tossing it expertly. He's one of those inherently fascinating people with crazy stories, a life story more complex than fiction.

I know it can be difficult for us, anyone, to keep a true smile on their face. I'm here, always, if you need some encouragement or if you need a listener. We all need love. I love you all and I hope everyone has a beautiful, lovely day, because each one of you deserves it.

Thanks to
Little Miss Thin
Judith Marie
miss alisha
Bones
Christina
Lucy's Shadow
becca;
Chloe
jackie
Beth
Depressed Skinny Mess
AA
alice ana
Princess Perfection
OceanicMelody73
Thin or Not
for all of your support and lovely words.

broken wrist, broken spirit

I follow the train tracks, like bare empty bones, like ribs, fire colored trees on either side. Dry leaves breaking, the only sound I hear. The tracks pass under a bridge, and I pause. Bright, obscene graffiti, and beer cans scattered amongst the leaves. I'm all alone, but there's a sense of recklessness left behind from others who came to this same place. I continue carefully over the blue gray rocks and parallel bars of the tracks, past a sign forbidding trespassers, a shady nightclub. I'm tempted to lie down, to feel the hard tracks against my body, to hear the vibrations of the coming train.

A sharp intense pain explodes in my right wrist, a thousand times worse than anything I have ever felt in my lifetime. My words don't make sense and the world turns patches of dark. At the hospital, three hours pass before I'm given a pill of Ibuprofen. A fracture in my radius, the doctor says. Not one tear escapes during the entire time, physical pain is a short red papercut in comparison to emotional pain.

Alex tells me he hears that B has a girlfriend, freckles across her face. It's not confirmed yet, but I relapse into the familiar pattern. B, the guy I've known for five years, the guy who liked me when I was ugly, the one with the soft blue eyes, the one who trades jokes with me and slows down to walk beside me. Alex doesn't realize I'm sad, he tells me I can do better, tells me B is like boring like cardboard. I honestly thought he could save me from myself, believed he could help me be the type of person I had always hoped to be. I was stupid, for thinking he could care for me, thinking he could care for a girl with issues with food, intimacy, self injury, anger.

Avoiding eating is much easier now, with a broken wrist. I was having a 100 calorie day, until I  gave in to 300 calorie ice cream and two spoonfuls of peanut butter. I fit into double zero shorts now, tight, but they fit.

I don't want to always live in this faded world of self-destruction and hunger and despair and self-absorption, but where else can I go? Someone please show me the train tracks that lead away from here, I think I'm almost ready to follow them out.

Much love to
Sam Lupin
Depressed Skinny Mess
becca;
Marie
Judith Marie
Lucy's Shadow
Run
miss alisha
jackie
Christina
Chloe
Neeska
deseperee de maigrir
Perfection and Ana
Evelyn
Nichole S.
Bones
Dani
Anafly
for commenting. Each one of you beautiful people makes me smile with pure happiness.(: I'll be catching up on everyone's lovely blogs, but I might either leave a short comment or no comment, I apologize. I'm typing with one hand, but once my wrist heals, I'll be able to blog more frequently.

red lines etched over purple bruises

pages from my journal

October 31st
Unseen raindrops fall lightly around me, yellow rays from the streetlights weakly shine through the blackness and disappear. Navy dress and boots. Waiting has become a habit, my thinking time. Thoughts random and messy, distorted as if by a thousand mirrors.

Alex and Adrienne already in the backseat of S's car when I climb in. I barely know these people; they know almost nothing about me, yet see secrets I thought I'd hidden away. The colors of traffic lights, bright in the darkness, blur with the rectangular shapes of buildings and the world seems surreal. S is driving much too fast, as if we're running from life itself.

"You're anorexic, look at you," Alex comments, I deny, and it's impossible to decide whether he's serious. Later that night, when I'm no longer in the car, I know I'm still going much too fast.

November 1st
The clock's hands pierce the black numbers, 11:11 pm. I wish for happiness, something I don't quite understand anymore.

November 3rd
Red lines etched over purple bruises and light skin. Burning and pain as the blood struggles to break free. A reminder. When Hunter asks what happened, I tell him, "I can't remember."

The scale says 104.

November 4th
"She's always messing with her hair, she thinks she's so sexy," I hear these words, words like these for the very first time, I see the girl that said them, and my heart stops. So unfair, so inaccurate, I want to cry. I can deal with being called a bitch, fat, shy, but I am definitely not stuck-up or arrogant. And it hurts like hell, coming from the same girl that's always pulling out her makeup and brush, the same girl who once begged me not to cut my hair because "It's so pretty!", the same girl that inspired a club all about despising her.

I wanted to show her my scars, show her how I puke after bingeing, but most of all, I wanted to show her all the hurt and pain inside.

And I can't help but wonder if everyone secretly hates me. I try to be a good person, I truly do.

Thanks to
SkinnyLittleMe
JudithMarie
Chloe
Lucy's Shadow
Thin Thrills
Little Miss Thin
jackie
Beth
Depressed Skinny Mess
Christina
BrazilianSpice
for being everything I needed. I'll stay away from drugs, I promise. I hope you all are having a very lovely day, if you need anything, I am here, always.

black and purple

Bruises up and down my arms, painful and purple. Only two yesterday morning, several more now, and I have no memory of getting injured there. Bruises up and down my mind, painful and black; blood wells below the surface of my skin, words I wish I could say hide inside my head.

We sit there, talking, without warning he says, "What do you weigh? Like 90 pounds? You're so fucking skinny," And I laugh. 104 pounds really.

And it seems that the more I lose, the more attention I get, not necessarily wanted. Walking down an empty hall, a guy passes and out of the corner of my eye I see him do a double take, mouth open. Another guy, same initials as me, asks for my number, accidentally washes off the pink highlighter while he's high, asks for it again. "Want to "study"?" he asks, emphasis and hidden meaning, and adds "Nice jeans,"

I can see white powder, contrasting with the darkness of the room, gray shadows of people against the walls. Heroin, I think. A sharp needle point, presses against a thin blue river curving on my arm, hand shaking, it breaks through. And I wake up, no puncture marks on my arm, just bruises.


Comment Replies
Judith Marie- An incredibly, beautiful memory, described so perfectly, I felt as if I watched it happen. Thank you so much for sharing it with me. I hope you have a very lovely day!
Sam Lupin- You know, I truly realize the power and beautiful of words when I read, experience, your writing. You bring so much light into my days, I hope I can shine just as bright for you.
jackie- Thank you for always being there for me, and for bringing me back when I feel like falling.
Depressed Skinny Mess- Thank you incredibly, you're right, I must stay strong, I won't give up.
Tempest- I agree, so many here in this community write with such beauty. I hope you have an amazing day, you deserve it!
alice ana- I've missed your comments, thank you for bringing a smile to my face. Major congratulations on being 98 pounds, you're beautiful inside and out. Please take care though, and I'll try to do the same. Much love.
Lucy's Shadow- Welcome back, you always inspire me to do my best!
the outside in to thin- I love your username, by the way. Thank you so much for your lovely words!

for the beautiful ones

for Sam Lupin, whose words, words not simply black against the oblivion of white, but words of a thousand shades, the color of flickering heat smoldering on dry logs, the indescribable color of the sea under the glare of the sun, leave me breathless and alive; the one who has always been there, a safe shelter in the midst of the darkest storms. Looking out into the night, a single candle against the emptiness, a star shining brightly, reassuringly; it reminded me of you. I wish I could describe how amazing, how much you mean to me and others, words fail me. Thank you for being you. <3
for Dani, always there with advice and kind words, not only a thinspiration, but an inspiration for being a beautiful person in spirit and body. You give me hope.
for Jackie, who has an incredibly sweet and caring heart, a shoulder to cry on, like an older sister I've always wanted. You're beautiful, never forget it.
for Just Jessica, Little Miss Thin, kes, alice ana, Alex, Olivia Lee, missinsanity, becca;, Marie, Neeska, Cinnamon Brown, Elle Marie, Thin Thighs, Beth, Lucy's Shadow, Ahava, Wings to Set me Free, Bones, thisismeskinny, amelia, lulu, Run, Catherine, Megs, Empty Shell, Jane Pansy, Rain, Tempest, Judith Marie, and all the beautiful ones out there.
I want you to know that you are are absolutely gorgeous, absolutely perfect, just the way you are. Although I've never seen any of you, I know you are beautiful people, because your words touch me, bring a smile to my face, and I can see the radiance of your personalities and love for others.
Thank you. <3
_______________________________

"You look so fragile. I could easily throw you over my shoulders and carry you," he said.

And I am fragile, in mind. As I walk, as I write, as I work, I fall into my own world. I wonder who I am, repeat my name until it seems familiar, until it fits again. I wonder what I am doing, how I got here. Driving down the road, the wheel feels so strange in my hands and the cars aren't real anymore.

People fade to the dull shade of a half-remembered dream. I look past them, through them.  I glance at myself through a tinted distorted glass, disconnected and trying to link the pieces that crumbled. Running my hands over the dark denim covering my legs, paranoid that it's not actually a size 0, feeling the bones waiting to protrude, I am out of place in this body.

I crash back, falling hard onto the concrete of reality. Sometimes being alive, truly alive, is a sharp pain, a reminder of existence, the jagged edges of glass painted with a deep red of blood. Life hurtles itself, a frigid wind that we struggle to run against.

Harder and harder I try to lose my body, more and more of my mind slips away into a haze of thorns and pure nothingness.

all the little things

and it's strange how now, after spending much too long at my lowest point, there's everything to live for. Because life IS worth it. Because I am worth it. Because YOU are worth it. Choose life, always.

It's taken me a while to realize the superficial, the meaningful, and the beautiful little things in life that make it worth living, but they've always been there and always will be.
I smile because...

I love and I am loved by those that matter most
all the opportunities in this world
the rays of sunshine, an indescribable color of light, in the early morning
the perfect shade of blue in his eyes
the looseness in my size 0 jeans
the innocence and sweetness of my younger sister
smiles from strangers
finding sticky notes saying "You are beautiful"
an extra five minutes of sleep in the morning
being introduced as "the gorgeous one" to someone
the kindness shown by people
life is exciting, tempting, amazing again

I smile because I know that even though in the future, my smile will be replaced by tears, there will always be a reason to smile again.
Oh, and I smile because of you. (:

Thank you for commenting, it truly makes my day.
thisismeskinny
jackie
Bones
Kim
Wings to Set me Free
Sam Lupin
kes
lulu
Ahava
Chloe
Lucy's Shadow
Beth
Elle Marie
Marie
Tempest
Judith Marie
becca;
Little Miss Thin
Dani
BrazilianSpice
deseperee de maigrir

"darkness is drawn to darkness"

It lurks inside me, a black layer struggling to break through the surface. It attracts people with the same darkness inside. We size each other up while keeping ourselves contained inside neat little boxes, speaking carefully, hiding. Different issues, different nightmares, but blood is always the same deep red and our scars and wounds on the inside hurt the same.

I talk, trying to fill the empty space between us with words, any words, meaningless words and ones with so much unbearable emotions. And I wonder if it's too late to break through the wall between us. 

I am a huge 105 pounds now, gained 5 pounds since I started cross country.

His eyes are the shade of the sky on a perfect day, not the stormy unpredictable blue of J's eyes, not the sharp penetrating glare of his green eyes, nor H's dark brown eyes clouded with drugs. B calms me, makes me forget and live again. And I know he can give me a quiet kind of love, the kind that I need the most.

It's been about a month since I lasted posted here. It feels like years, I feel older. I'm happy, I really am. But I feel restless, I'm ready to return to my old lifestyle and live it harder and faster than before.

A thousand thanks to
Catherine
Sam Lupin
Christina
Dani
parisienne.love
desepaeree de maigrir
Neeska
Run
lulu
Wings to Set me Free
Ahava
Judith Marie
jackie
amilie
Aria
Candy
for commenting. I've missed everyone, so much. I promise not to leave for so long again, unless I must. Lots of love. <3
And if I was a reader of your blog before my absence, I would appreciate it if you left a link to your blog in a comment, so I can catch up on your lives. 

dancing like nobody is watching (Cinnamon Brown, please read!)

I'm sorry I have been away for a while, I promise to catch up on your blogs soon!


Trapped behind these thin glass walls of a mirror, alone with your thoughts, it gets isolating. And when you shatter the barrier, even for just a few hours, you'll find that in the other world, things are bright and colorful and alive, sharply contrasting with the dark hollow place you left, hollow like an empty stomach and the space between your hipbones.

I've swallowed the beat of the music, it pounds inside me along with my beating heart. My body moves of its own accord, free, escaped from its bonds. The crowd of bodies, indistinct in the darkness, pressing against me, pulsing, forming a single mass of movement. Laughs, shouts mingle with the words of the song. And I dance like nobody is watching, not even myself.

To Cinnamon Brown, (If anyone has her email address, I'd love it if you sent her a link to this post)
I'm sorry this has taken me forever to post! I am incredibly, incredibly sad that you have left blogger, but I am happy that you are moving on and devoting more time to your life. I miss you so much, you helped me hope and learn and smile. Your warm advice and friendly, common sense, humor, and kind words carried me through some of my darkest times. You are one of a kind, truly unique. I cried when I read your comment and found out you were leaving. You will always be in my heart, I promise. Even if we have never met in person, I think of you as one of my friends. If you ever need anything, I am always here for you. Thank you, for being you. I hope that you will find what you are searching for in this life. Wherever life may take you, I send my love and caring with you. <3

Thanks to
Catharina
Sophie
Bonjour Bones !
Marie
Neeska
Sam Lupin
Lucy's Shadow
Clear Girl
Little Miss Thin
crashxDburn
Run
amelia
jackie
Nichole S.
EmptyShell
Dotty Mcilduff
for giving me strength and caring and kind words. I hope you all have a very lovely day, I will catch up on your blogs very soon!

I never thought I would be the one

I never thought I would be the one to find myself, index finger forced to the back of the throat, my knees against the cold white floor tiles, surrendering. Looking in the mirror afterwards, I was surprised to see watery eyes and tears from the effort of purging. And then I cried for real.

I had ran four miles, breathing in out, in out, right knee painfully bending, unbending; and somehow decided this gave me permission to eat. God, I didn't know it was possible to binge on meat.

Purging, it seemed so wrong, an incorrect answer to a twisted problem. It's a path disguised as a shortcut, leading to a terribly wrong place. But I know I would do it again. And again.

Thanks to:
kes
Ahava
lottie x
Catharina
Emma
jackie
Run
MiniandMerry
Dani
Alice
Meg
Olivia Lee
for your lovely comments and kind words. Your support truly means the world to me.