"borderline between what and what?"

My entire life could be etched into the wooden cracking frame of my bed, imprinted into the mattress, and intertwined with the covers. Intense energy excites me until I am too restless to drown in the depths of sleep. My bed is my refuge during the storm, and I cling to it as the chaotic waves churn beneath. I want to sleep.

I think about death and its inevitableness, for us and the billions before us. We write vastly differing stories from one another but the ending is always alike. Some wait passively, bitterly for death. Some slip into it unknowingly and peacefully. Others desperately chase after it, the end is elusive for them. I think about the day when I will fall from existence into memory, and I hope that someone will lay a flower for me. A dandelion or a rose. 

"I thought you were anorexic, what are you doing here?" the girl I vaguely know says to me bluntly. What am I doing here, at this frozen yogurt place with my friend? I resist telling her I think I am more bulimic than anorexic. Sometimes the excess of my body engulfs me and I am more trapped than ever in this foreign cage. Carrying anything, whether it is a purse, jacket, or papers, bothers me, this body is no exception. I wish I could leave it behind and run weightless and unburdened. 

The first time I read the words borderline personality disorder, BPD, was on my laptop, searching for the cause, the name, of my behavior and thoughts. And it all seemed to fit evenly together.

"Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is an emotional disorder that causes emotional instability, leading to stress and other problems.

With borderline personality disorder your image of yourself is distorted, making you feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Your anger, impulsivity and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you desire loving relationships." www.mayoclinic.com

I can't determine or diagnose if I actually have BPD from compulsively reading about it, but I feel I identify with the symptoms and the descriptions.

Symptoms: I've bolded the ones that relate to me.
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. 
A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships. 
Identity disturbance
Impulsivity
Recurrent suicidal behavior ?  (I am not sure if cutting/suicidal thoughts qualify).
Emotional instability
Chronic feelings of emptiness
Inappropriate, intense anger
Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts/severe dissociative symptoms

A BPD blog (incredibly well-written) I found recently: Beyond the Borderline Personality

Thanks to lovely people reading this! Thanks to the people who commented! Follow them! Each one of you made me smile. I hope you all have a very wonderful day and night!
Gymnast, Judith Marie, Lucy's Shadow, xXzapxfireXx, Chloe, Funeral of Youth, I do, I do., pursuit_of_happiness, and Sam Lupin. 

passion and detachment

"I've never heard silence like this," she whispers. "I've never seen stars like this," I say. Against the icy hardness of the dock, we lie parallel to the broken glass waters. A dome of glittery powder above us, trees like black splotches of ink around the lake. The cutting beauty of it is heartbreaking. Later, we bring our frozen bodies back to life next to the flames. The red hot ribbons wrap around the logs, tighter and tighter, and I understand why moths are irresistibly drawn to a death lit by light.

I alternate between bingeing and fasting, passion and detachment. Even as I view food as a toxic pollutant, unclean and unsafe, I crave the contamination. I kneel on the white tiles, like so many others, and it comes back up in desperate heaves, and I swear never again, like we all say. But again and again, I fall. Yet I take comfort knowing that in order to have fallen, I have risen, a little at least.

Size double zero. The number in the tag of my jeans comforts me slightly and fails to erase the fat I clearly see in the mirror under the bright accusing lights. I despise every inch and pound.

I feel as if I have lived more months and years than my actual chronological age. Age and the complexities surrounding it fascinates me.


My very first time. His name is Alex. He has said he loves me; I see it in his eyes and feel it in his actions. His hipbones dug into me as he lay on top. Our breathing merges, our heartbeats run wildly. My clothes in a heap on the creaking wood floor next to the condoms, my mind in a tangle of tissue thin thoughts. As he entered me, the intense pain overwhelmed me, my legs involuntarily attempted to close. Deep rough thrusts. He finishes. We slip into sleep together under the dreamcatcher.



A researcher contacted me about a research study involving pro anorexia blogs/websites. I think it would help others gain a better understanding of eating disorders in general. If you would like to participate, click here. 


Love and thanks to these lovely people:

SilentNightmare - Thank you very much! I am not much of a writer though.
Judith Marie - I've missed you tons! I'm sorry for worrying you, I'm glad you are safe as well. :) My weight has remained stable unfortunately (sigh b/p). Much love and happiness to you too!
Sam Lupin - Hi love! You made me smile, and I'll hopefully keep smiling! It's nice to see that the layout of your blog has stayed relatively the same since the last time I was on blogger in December, I love returning to a familiar place, it fills me with comfort. I hope you have a lovely day!
Marie - Thank you for your sweet words, I hope you find lots of happiness today. <3
I do, I do. - Thank you lots! I feel motivated to post more frequently!
xXzapxfireXx- Thank you for the welcome back!:)
S.  - Hi it's been a while! I'm glad you are still here on blogger:)
Lucy's Shadow - Thank you, I'm happy to be back and to catch up on what everyone's been up to!
Depressed Skinny Mess - Many thanks for the welcome! You are beautiful and I've missed you!
Zoie - Thank you for the welcome, and also thank you for your email a while back!
Little Miss Thin <3 - I've missed you as well! I'm sorry for causing you worry, I hope you have been safe and happy lately! <3
Beth - Thank you! hugs and smiles! :)
Rain - Thank you for your lovely words, they made me smile! You are a wordsmith, I wish I could articulate comments as well as you. :) I hope you have a very beautiful day! <3

back

I'm sorry, sorry, sorry for being away for a while, too long. I've thought of this place often, thought of the beautiful people often with that aching feeling in my heart, but stayed away for reasons I don't fully know or understand. I don't know if anyone still reads this blog, but I'm back, hopefully for good.

So much has changed, and so much has not. Food is still my refuge and hell. I am caught somewhere in the perpetual cycle of attempting to abandon the physical realm of needs and feelings through bingeing, purging, fasting, self-hate, control and lack of control. I still wish to become wispy and brittle like the branches of trees in the winter, even as the days grow warmer. I still wait for my bones to burst through the paper thin layer of skin.

But I've grown much older since my last post, I think, through experiences. Experiences that were awful, experiences that were unreal, experiences that were raw and beautiful. I shared myself with someone I love for the first time, sex is completely not what I had imagined. I remembered I had friends when I had my recent birthday party even as I threw up the ice cream cake in the bathroom. I'll elaborate on the events of January and February soon.

I hope everyone is safe, and hopefully happier. We all deserve happiness, though it seems increasingly difficult to find at times.

dear Santa

His hands are fire, but the freezing picnic table sends shivers through my body, a bed surrounded by curtains of trees. We lie facing the sky above, the stars become a thousand iridescent strands of Christmas lights. Listening to the sounds of silence, I breathe in and out, almost motionlessly, to preserve this delicate moment, fragile and fleeting like a snowflake captured. My fears, hate, sadness, have left, replaced by pure innocent happiness and the world is everything I used to believe in.

I remember my misspelled letters to Santa, wanting dogs ponies everything, thinking that the white bearded man could make all my wishes come true. I am still young, and this year, this Christmas, is the first time I've truly reflected on what this holiday means to me, to others, to society. I've realized material possessions bring me momentary, fleeting happiness, but other more permanent things have continuously brought me joy throughout my life.

Friendship. Love. Health. Laughter. Passionate kisses. Gratitude. Intertwined hands. Rain and sunshine. Dreams during long hours of sleep. If only they could all be wrapped in shining gold paper and tape, hidden under the branches of the tree, and opened every day, each morning, for the rest of our lives. And maybe it's possible. Anything is within our reach, if our determination, will power is strong enough.

My letter to Santa would be white and unwritten this year, I'm not sure of what I truly want, think, feel anymore, but I trust in wherever this life leads me, even if the stars are black some nights.

Merry Christmas, I hope each one of you has had an amazing day. Stay positive, stay lovely, stay you. Never forget you are loved, because you are, I promise.
Thanks for commenting. <3
becca;- Thank you for your support dear.
stillimagining- I wish I had taken a picture when I used to be a size 2, I'll make sure I take one now. Thank you for the advice!
miss alisha- Your insight is always so thoughtful, thank you.
Anafly- I genuinely smiled when I read your comment.
Neeska- Reflections are a tricky thing, aren't they? I hope you have a lovely day!
Anonymous- I'm not sure at the moment, I'll elaborate in my next post perhaps, I wish I had a more definite answer to give you. I hope you are happy too, we all deserve to be.
Oceanic Melody73- Thank you so much for your support, I hope you've had an amazing day.
Chloe- Thank you bunches for the reassurance.
Judith Marie- You make me feel good, happy, proud of myself. Thank you for your encouragement, you are an amazing person, never forget.
Lucy's Shadow- Hugs! My wrist is fixed now, thank you for your concern.
Sam Lupin- I've missed your words, they remind me of the ocean.
Little Miss Thin <3- I hope I get a more accurate scale soon. Thank you for your comment!
Depressed Skinny Mess- I hope you have a lovely day, thank you for your support.
xXzapxfireXx- I can't wait to weigh myself more accurately, I hope you have an amazing day.
Olivia Lee- Thank you, I hope I can write as beautifully and well as you, one day.
AVY- Thank you for your comment.
Elle Marie- You are more amazing.
lulu- You will reach your goals, anything is possible, and your goals are within your reach.
Silvia- A thousand thanks for making me smile.
Zoie- I send my love also, thank you.
Princess Perfection- I've missed you tons, I'm ecstatic you're back dear.

double zero

Faded frayed pale blue size two jeans, lifelessly hanging like a corpse. It's been months since they've left the darkness of the closet. New stiff dark navy skinny jeans, double zero, on my legs, hanging perfectly. Counting backwards, 2, 1, 0, 00. Three sizes down and my reflection in the broken mirror has not changed at all. A new scale is desperately needed. Mine tells me 105 pounds, a friend's digital scale says 98. It's better to overestimate though, rather than believe lies. My period is a month late.

I once felt as if I was spilling out of myself, left with just a lonely body; lost and searching for the little pieces that ran away into a mirror and I followed. But now, I'm all here, I think. I function efficiently, I'm aware of my surroundings. I smile, cry, talk. I'm quite certain I deserve to be human again.

Dry crunchy single piece of bread, folded in half, hoping no one sees there's nothing inside, 65 calories. Three grapes. My stomach's learned not to growl anymore. Later, I purge two pieces of chocolate. Meat feels dirty, vegetarianism seems appealing.

The screen flickers metallic light and I see Alex searching in his closet. He hands me a drink, soda he says. It's my very first time, but I realize the strange taste of something, alcohol. We lay stretched out on his bed, me under the covers, cold. My head against his left shoulder, with his right hand, he casually flicks his knife, tossing it expertly. He's one of those inherently fascinating people with crazy stories, a life story more complex than fiction.

I know it can be difficult for us, anyone, to keep a true smile on their face. I'm here, always, if you need some encouragement or if you need a listener. We all need love. I love you all and I hope everyone has a beautiful, lovely day, because each one of you deserves it.

Thanks to
Little Miss Thin
Judith Marie
miss alisha
Bones
Christina
Lucy's Shadow
becca;
Chloe
jackie
Beth
Depressed Skinny Mess
AA
alice ana
Princess Perfection
OceanicMelody73
Thin or Not
for all of your support and lovely words.

broken wrist, broken spirit

I follow the train tracks, like bare empty bones, like ribs, fire colored trees on either side. Dry leaves breaking, the only sound I hear. The tracks pass under a bridge, and I pause. Bright, obscene graffiti, and beer cans scattered amongst the leaves. I'm all alone, but there's a sense of recklessness left behind from others who came to this same place. I continue carefully over the blue gray rocks and parallel bars of the tracks, past a sign forbidding trespassers, a shady nightclub. I'm tempted to lie down, to feel the hard tracks against my body, to hear the vibrations of the coming train.

A sharp intense pain explodes in my right wrist, a thousand times worse than anything I have ever felt in my lifetime. My words don't make sense and the world turns patches of dark. At the hospital, three hours pass before I'm given a pill of Ibuprofen. A fracture in my radius, the doctor says. Not one tear escapes during the entire time, physical pain is a short red papercut in comparison to emotional pain.

Alex tells me he hears that B has a girlfriend, freckles across her face. It's not confirmed yet, but I relapse into the familiar pattern. B, the guy I've known for five years, the guy who liked me when I was ugly, the one with the soft blue eyes, the one who trades jokes with me and slows down to walk beside me. Alex doesn't realize I'm sad, he tells me I can do better, tells me B is like boring like cardboard. I honestly thought he could save me from myself, believed he could help me be the type of person I had always hoped to be. I was stupid, for thinking he could care for me, thinking he could care for a girl with issues with food, intimacy, self injury, anger.

Avoiding eating is much easier now, with a broken wrist. I was having a 100 calorie day, until I  gave in to 300 calorie ice cream and two spoonfuls of peanut butter. I fit into double zero shorts now, tight, but they fit.

I don't want to always live in this faded world of self-destruction and hunger and despair and self-absorption, but where else can I go? Someone please show me the train tracks that lead away from here, I think I'm almost ready to follow them out.

Much love to
Sam Lupin
Depressed Skinny Mess
becca;
Marie
Judith Marie
Lucy's Shadow
Run
miss alisha
jackie
Christina
Chloe
Neeska
deseperee de maigrir
Perfection and Ana
Evelyn
Nichole S.
Bones
Dani
Anafly
for commenting. Each one of you beautiful people makes me smile with pure happiness.(: I'll be catching up on everyone's lovely blogs, but I might either leave a short comment or no comment, I apologize. I'm typing with one hand, but once my wrist heals, I'll be able to blog more frequently.

red lines etched over purple bruises

pages from my journal

October 31st
Unseen raindrops fall lightly around me, yellow rays from the streetlights weakly shine through the blackness and disappear. Navy dress and boots. Waiting has become a habit, my thinking time. Thoughts random and messy, distorted as if by a thousand mirrors.

Alex and Adrienne already in the backseat of S's car when I climb in. I barely know these people; they know almost nothing about me, yet see secrets I thought I'd hidden away. The colors of traffic lights, bright in the darkness, blur with the rectangular shapes of buildings and the world seems surreal. S is driving much too fast, as if we're running from life itself.

"You're anorexic, look at you," Alex comments, I deny, and it's impossible to decide whether he's serious. Later that night, when I'm no longer in the car, I know I'm still going much too fast.

November 1st
The clock's hands pierce the black numbers, 11:11 pm. I wish for happiness, something I don't quite understand anymore.

November 3rd
Red lines etched over purple bruises and light skin. Burning and pain as the blood struggles to break free. A reminder. When Hunter asks what happened, I tell him, "I can't remember."

The scale says 104.

November 4th
"She's always messing with her hair, she thinks she's so sexy," I hear these words, words like these for the very first time, I see the girl that said them, and my heart stops. So unfair, so inaccurate, I want to cry. I can deal with being called a bitch, fat, shy, but I am definitely not stuck-up or arrogant. And it hurts like hell, coming from the same girl that's always pulling out her makeup and brush, the same girl who once begged me not to cut my hair because "It's so pretty!", the same girl that inspired a club all about despising her.

I wanted to show her my scars, show her how I puke after bingeing, but most of all, I wanted to show her all the hurt and pain inside.

And I can't help but wonder if everyone secretly hates me. I try to be a good person, I truly do.

Thanks to
SkinnyLittleMe
JudithMarie
Chloe
Lucy's Shadow
Thin Thrills
Little Miss Thin
jackie
Beth
Depressed Skinny Mess
Christina
BrazilianSpice
for being everything I needed. I'll stay away from drugs, I promise. I hope you all are having a very lovely day, if you need anything, I am here, always.

black and purple

Bruises up and down my arms, painful and purple. Only two yesterday morning, several more now, and I have no memory of getting injured there. Bruises up and down my mind, painful and black; blood wells below the surface of my skin, words I wish I could say hide inside my head.

We sit there, talking, without warning he says, "What do you weigh? Like 90 pounds? You're so fucking skinny," And I laugh. 104 pounds really.

And it seems that the more I lose, the more attention I get, not necessarily wanted. Walking down an empty hall, a guy passes and out of the corner of my eye I see him do a double take, mouth open. Another guy, same initials as me, asks for my number, accidentally washes off the pink highlighter while he's high, asks for it again. "Want to "study"?" he asks, emphasis and hidden meaning, and adds "Nice jeans,"

I can see white powder, contrasting with the darkness of the room, gray shadows of people against the walls. Heroin, I think. A sharp needle point, presses against a thin blue river curving on my arm, hand shaking, it breaks through. And I wake up, no puncture marks on my arm, just bruises.


Comment Replies
Judith Marie- An incredibly, beautiful memory, described so perfectly, I felt as if I watched it happen. Thank you so much for sharing it with me. I hope you have a very lovely day!
Sam Lupin- You know, I truly realize the power and beautiful of words when I read, experience, your writing. You bring so much light into my days, I hope I can shine just as bright for you.
jackie- Thank you for always being there for me, and for bringing me back when I feel like falling.
Depressed Skinny Mess- Thank you incredibly, you're right, I must stay strong, I won't give up.
Tempest- I agree, so many here in this community write with such beauty. I hope you have an amazing day, you deserve it!
alice ana- I've missed your comments, thank you for bringing a smile to my face. Major congratulations on being 98 pounds, you're beautiful inside and out. Please take care though, and I'll try to do the same. Much love.
Lucy's Shadow- Welcome back, you always inspire me to do my best!
the outside in to thin- I love your username, by the way. Thank you so much for your lovely words!

for the beautiful ones

for Sam Lupin, whose words, words not simply black against the oblivion of white, but words of a thousand shades, the color of flickering heat smoldering on dry logs, the indescribable color of the sea under the glare of the sun, leave me breathless and alive; the one who has always been there, a safe shelter in the midst of the darkest storms. Looking out into the night, a single candle against the emptiness, a star shining brightly, reassuringly; it reminded me of you. I wish I could describe how amazing, how much you mean to me and others, words fail me. Thank you for being you. <3
for Dani, always there with advice and kind words, not only a thinspiration, but an inspiration for being a beautiful person in spirit and body. You give me hope.
for Jackie, who has an incredibly sweet and caring heart, a shoulder to cry on, like an older sister I've always wanted. You're beautiful, never forget it.
for Just Jessica, Little Miss Thin, kes, alice ana, Alex, Olivia Lee, missinsanity, becca;, Marie, Neeska, Cinnamon Brown, Elle Marie, Thin Thighs, Beth, Lucy's Shadow, Ahava, Wings to Set me Free, Bones, thisismeskinny, amelia, lulu, Run, Catherine, Megs, Empty Shell, Jane Pansy, Rain, Tempest, Judith Marie, and all the beautiful ones out there.
I want you to know that you are are absolutely gorgeous, absolutely perfect, just the way you are. Although I've never seen any of you, I know you are beautiful people, because your words touch me, bring a smile to my face, and I can see the radiance of your personalities and love for others.
Thank you. <3
_______________________________

"You look so fragile. I could easily throw you over my shoulders and carry you," he said.

And I am fragile, in mind. As I walk, as I write, as I work, I fall into my own world. I wonder who I am, repeat my name until it seems familiar, until it fits again. I wonder what I am doing, how I got here. Driving down the road, the wheel feels so strange in my hands and the cars aren't real anymore.

People fade to the dull shade of a half-remembered dream. I look past them, through them.  I glance at myself through a tinted distorted glass, disconnected and trying to link the pieces that crumbled. Running my hands over the dark denim covering my legs, paranoid that it's not actually a size 0, feeling the bones waiting to protrude, I am out of place in this body.

I crash back, falling hard onto the concrete of reality. Sometimes being alive, truly alive, is a sharp pain, a reminder of existence, the jagged edges of glass painted with a deep red of blood. Life hurtles itself, a frigid wind that we struggle to run against.

Harder and harder I try to lose my body, more and more of my mind slips away into a haze of thorns and pure nothingness.

all the little things

and it's strange how now, after spending much too long at my lowest point, there's everything to live for. Because life IS worth it. Because I am worth it. Because YOU are worth it. Choose life, always.

It's taken me a while to realize the superficial, the meaningful, and the beautiful little things in life that make it worth living, but they've always been there and always will be.
I smile because...

I love and I am loved by those that matter most
all the opportunities in this world
the rays of sunshine, an indescribable color of light, in the early morning
the perfect shade of blue in his eyes
the looseness in my size 0 jeans
the innocence and sweetness of my younger sister
smiles from strangers
finding sticky notes saying "You are beautiful"
an extra five minutes of sleep in the morning
being introduced as "the gorgeous one" to someone
the kindness shown by people
life is exciting, tempting, amazing again

I smile because I know that even though in the future, my smile will be replaced by tears, there will always be a reason to smile again.
Oh, and I smile because of you. (:

Thank you for commenting, it truly makes my day.
thisismeskinny
jackie
Bones
Kim
Wings to Set me Free
Sam Lupin
kes
lulu
Ahava
Chloe
Lucy's Shadow
Beth
Elle Marie
Marie
Tempest
Judith Marie
becca;
Little Miss Thin
Dani
BrazilianSpice
deseperee de maigrir