dear Santa

His hands are fire, but the freezing picnic table sends shivers through my body, a bed surrounded by curtains of trees. We lie facing the sky above, the stars become a thousand iridescent strands of Christmas lights. Listening to the sounds of silence, I breathe in and out, almost motionlessly, to preserve this delicate moment, fragile and fleeting like a snowflake captured. My fears, hate, sadness, have left, replaced by pure innocent happiness and the world is everything I used to believe in.

I remember my misspelled letters to Santa, wanting dogs ponies everything, thinking that the white bearded man could make all my wishes come true. I am still young, and this year, this Christmas, is the first time I've truly reflected on what this holiday means to me, to others, to society. I've realized material possessions bring me momentary, fleeting happiness, but other more permanent things have continuously brought me joy throughout my life.

Friendship. Love. Health. Laughter. Passionate kisses. Gratitude. Intertwined hands. Rain and sunshine. Dreams during long hours of sleep. If only they could all be wrapped in shining gold paper and tape, hidden under the branches of the tree, and opened every day, each morning, for the rest of our lives. And maybe it's possible. Anything is within our reach, if our determination, will power is strong enough.

My letter to Santa would be white and unwritten this year, I'm not sure of what I truly want, think, feel anymore, but I trust in wherever this life leads me, even if the stars are black some nights.

Merry Christmas, I hope each one of you has had an amazing day. Stay positive, stay lovely, stay you. Never forget you are loved, because you are, I promise.
Thanks for commenting. <3
becca;- Thank you for your support dear.
stillimagining- I wish I had taken a picture when I used to be a size 2, I'll make sure I take one now. Thank you for the advice!
miss alisha- Your insight is always so thoughtful, thank you.
Anafly- I genuinely smiled when I read your comment.
Neeska- Reflections are a tricky thing, aren't they? I hope you have a lovely day!
Anonymous- I'm not sure at the moment, I'll elaborate in my next post perhaps, I wish I had a more definite answer to give you. I hope you are happy too, we all deserve to be.
Oceanic Melody73- Thank you so much for your support, I hope you've had an amazing day.
Chloe- Thank you bunches for the reassurance.
Judith Marie- You make me feel good, happy, proud of myself. Thank you for your encouragement, you are an amazing person, never forget.
Lucy's Shadow- Hugs! My wrist is fixed now, thank you for your concern.
Sam Lupin- I've missed your words, they remind me of the ocean.
Little Miss Thin <3- I hope I get a more accurate scale soon. Thank you for your comment!
Depressed Skinny Mess- I hope you have a lovely day, thank you for your support.
xXzapxfireXx- I can't wait to weigh myself more accurately, I hope you have an amazing day.
Olivia Lee- Thank you, I hope I can write as beautifully and well as you, one day.
AVY- Thank you for your comment.
Elle Marie- You are more amazing.
lulu- You will reach your goals, anything is possible, and your goals are within your reach.
Silvia- A thousand thanks for making me smile.
Zoie- I send my love also, thank you.
Princess Perfection- I've missed you tons, I'm ecstatic you're back dear.

double zero

Faded frayed pale blue size two jeans, lifelessly hanging like a corpse. It's been months since they've left the darkness of the closet. New stiff dark navy skinny jeans, double zero, on my legs, hanging perfectly. Counting backwards, 2, 1, 0, 00. Three sizes down and my reflection in the broken mirror has not changed at all. A new scale is desperately needed. Mine tells me 105 pounds, a friend's digital scale says 98. It's better to overestimate though, rather than believe lies. My period is a month late.

I once felt as if I was spilling out of myself, left with just a lonely body; lost and searching for the little pieces that ran away into a mirror and I followed. But now, I'm all here, I think. I function efficiently, I'm aware of my surroundings. I smile, cry, talk. I'm quite certain I deserve to be human again.

Dry crunchy single piece of bread, folded in half, hoping no one sees there's nothing inside, 65 calories. Three grapes. My stomach's learned not to growl anymore. Later, I purge two pieces of chocolate. Meat feels dirty, vegetarianism seems appealing.

The screen flickers metallic light and I see Alex searching in his closet. He hands me a drink, soda he says. It's my very first time, but I realize the strange taste of something, alcohol. We lay stretched out on his bed, me under the covers, cold. My head against his left shoulder, with his right hand, he casually flicks his knife, tossing it expertly. He's one of those inherently fascinating people with crazy stories, a life story more complex than fiction.

I know it can be difficult for us, anyone, to keep a true smile on their face. I'm here, always, if you need some encouragement or if you need a listener. We all need love. I love you all and I hope everyone has a beautiful, lovely day, because each one of you deserves it.

Thanks to
Little Miss Thin
Judith Marie
miss alisha
Bones
Christina
Lucy's Shadow
becca;
Chloe
jackie
Beth
Depressed Skinny Mess
AA
alice ana
Princess Perfection
OceanicMelody73
Thin or Not
for all of your support and lovely words.

broken wrist, broken spirit

I follow the train tracks, like bare empty bones, like ribs, fire colored trees on either side. Dry leaves breaking, the only sound I hear. The tracks pass under a bridge, and I pause. Bright, obscene graffiti, and beer cans scattered amongst the leaves. I'm all alone, but there's a sense of recklessness left behind from others who came to this same place. I continue carefully over the blue gray rocks and parallel bars of the tracks, past a sign forbidding trespassers, a shady nightclub. I'm tempted to lie down, to feel the hard tracks against my body, to hear the vibrations of the coming train.

A sharp intense pain explodes in my right wrist, a thousand times worse than anything I have ever felt in my lifetime. My words don't make sense and the world turns patches of dark. At the hospital, three hours pass before I'm given a pill of Ibuprofen. A fracture in my radius, the doctor says. Not one tear escapes during the entire time, physical pain is a short red papercut in comparison to emotional pain.

Alex tells me he hears that B has a girlfriend, freckles across her face. It's not confirmed yet, but I relapse into the familiar pattern. B, the guy I've known for five years, the guy who liked me when I was ugly, the one with the soft blue eyes, the one who trades jokes with me and slows down to walk beside me. Alex doesn't realize I'm sad, he tells me I can do better, tells me B is like boring like cardboard. I honestly thought he could save me from myself, believed he could help me be the type of person I had always hoped to be. I was stupid, for thinking he could care for me, thinking he could care for a girl with issues with food, intimacy, self injury, anger.

Avoiding eating is much easier now, with a broken wrist. I was having a 100 calorie day, until I  gave in to 300 calorie ice cream and two spoonfuls of peanut butter. I fit into double zero shorts now, tight, but they fit.

I don't want to always live in this faded world of self-destruction and hunger and despair and self-absorption, but where else can I go? Someone please show me the train tracks that lead away from here, I think I'm almost ready to follow them out.

Much love to
Sam Lupin
Depressed Skinny Mess
becca;
Marie
Judith Marie
Lucy's Shadow
Run
miss alisha
jackie
Christina
Chloe
Neeska
deseperee de maigrir
Perfection and Ana
Evelyn
Nichole S.
Bones
Dani
Anafly
for commenting. Each one of you beautiful people makes me smile with pure happiness.(: I'll be catching up on everyone's lovely blogs, but I might either leave a short comment or no comment, I apologize. I'm typing with one hand, but once my wrist heals, I'll be able to blog more frequently.

red lines etched over purple bruises

pages from my journal

October 31st
Unseen raindrops fall lightly around me, yellow rays from the streetlights weakly shine through the blackness and disappear. Navy dress and boots. Waiting has become a habit, my thinking time. Thoughts random and messy, distorted as if by a thousand mirrors.

Alex and Adrienne already in the backseat of S's car when I climb in. I barely know these people; they know almost nothing about me, yet see secrets I thought I'd hidden away. The colors of traffic lights, bright in the darkness, blur with the rectangular shapes of buildings and the world seems surreal. S is driving much too fast, as if we're running from life itself.

"You're anorexic, look at you," Alex comments, I deny, and it's impossible to decide whether he's serious. Later that night, when I'm no longer in the car, I know I'm still going much too fast.

November 1st
The clock's hands pierce the black numbers, 11:11 pm. I wish for happiness, something I don't quite understand anymore.

November 3rd
Red lines etched over purple bruises and light skin. Burning and pain as the blood struggles to break free. A reminder. When Hunter asks what happened, I tell him, "I can't remember."

The scale says 104.

November 4th
"She's always messing with her hair, she thinks she's so sexy," I hear these words, words like these for the very first time, I see the girl that said them, and my heart stops. So unfair, so inaccurate, I want to cry. I can deal with being called a bitch, fat, shy, but I am definitely not stuck-up or arrogant. And it hurts like hell, coming from the same girl that's always pulling out her makeup and brush, the same girl who once begged me not to cut my hair because "It's so pretty!", the same girl that inspired a club all about despising her.

I wanted to show her my scars, show her how I puke after bingeing, but most of all, I wanted to show her all the hurt and pain inside.

And I can't help but wonder if everyone secretly hates me. I try to be a good person, I truly do.

Thanks to
SkinnyLittleMe
JudithMarie
Chloe
Lucy's Shadow
Thin Thrills
Little Miss Thin
jackie
Beth
Depressed Skinny Mess
Christina
BrazilianSpice
for being everything I needed. I'll stay away from drugs, I promise. I hope you all are having a very lovely day, if you need anything, I am here, always.

black and purple

Bruises up and down my arms, painful and purple. Only two yesterday morning, several more now, and I have no memory of getting injured there. Bruises up and down my mind, painful and black; blood wells below the surface of my skin, words I wish I could say hide inside my head.

We sit there, talking, without warning he says, "What do you weigh? Like 90 pounds? You're so fucking skinny," And I laugh. 104 pounds really.

And it seems that the more I lose, the more attention I get, not necessarily wanted. Walking down an empty hall, a guy passes and out of the corner of my eye I see him do a double take, mouth open. Another guy, same initials as me, asks for my number, accidentally washes off the pink highlighter while he's high, asks for it again. "Want to "study"?" he asks, emphasis and hidden meaning, and adds "Nice jeans,"

I can see white powder, contrasting with the darkness of the room, gray shadows of people against the walls. Heroin, I think. A sharp needle point, presses against a thin blue river curving on my arm, hand shaking, it breaks through. And I wake up, no puncture marks on my arm, just bruises.


Comment Replies
Judith Marie- An incredibly, beautiful memory, described so perfectly, I felt as if I watched it happen. Thank you so much for sharing it with me. I hope you have a very lovely day!
Sam Lupin- You know, I truly realize the power and beautiful of words when I read, experience, your writing. You bring so much light into my days, I hope I can shine just as bright for you.
jackie- Thank you for always being there for me, and for bringing me back when I feel like falling.
Depressed Skinny Mess- Thank you incredibly, you're right, I must stay strong, I won't give up.
Tempest- I agree, so many here in this community write with such beauty. I hope you have an amazing day, you deserve it!
alice ana- I've missed your comments, thank you for bringing a smile to my face. Major congratulations on being 98 pounds, you're beautiful inside and out. Please take care though, and I'll try to do the same. Much love.
Lucy's Shadow- Welcome back, you always inspire me to do my best!
the outside in to thin- I love your username, by the way. Thank you so much for your lovely words!

for the beautiful ones

for Sam Lupin, whose words, words not simply black against the oblivion of white, but words of a thousand shades, the color of flickering heat smoldering on dry logs, the indescribable color of the sea under the glare of the sun, leave me breathless and alive; the one who has always been there, a safe shelter in the midst of the darkest storms. Looking out into the night, a single candle against the emptiness, a star shining brightly, reassuringly; it reminded me of you. I wish I could describe how amazing, how much you mean to me and others, words fail me. Thank you for being you. <3
for Dani, always there with advice and kind words, not only a thinspiration, but an inspiration for being a beautiful person in spirit and body. You give me hope.
for Jackie, who has an incredibly sweet and caring heart, a shoulder to cry on, like an older sister I've always wanted. You're beautiful, never forget it.
for Just Jessica, Little Miss Thin, kes, alice ana, Alex, Olivia Lee, missinsanity, becca;, Marie, Neeska, Cinnamon Brown, Elle Marie, Thin Thighs, Beth, Lucy's Shadow, Ahava, Wings to Set me Free, Bones, thisismeskinny, amelia, lulu, Run, Catherine, Megs, Empty Shell, Jane Pansy, Rain, Tempest, Judith Marie, and all the beautiful ones out there.
I want you to know that you are are absolutely gorgeous, absolutely perfect, just the way you are. Although I've never seen any of you, I know you are beautiful people, because your words touch me, bring a smile to my face, and I can see the radiance of your personalities and love for others.
Thank you. <3
_______________________________

"You look so fragile. I could easily throw you over my shoulders and carry you," he said.

And I am fragile, in mind. As I walk, as I write, as I work, I fall into my own world. I wonder who I am, repeat my name until it seems familiar, until it fits again. I wonder what I am doing, how I got here. Driving down the road, the wheel feels so strange in my hands and the cars aren't real anymore.

People fade to the dull shade of a half-remembered dream. I look past them, through them.  I glance at myself through a tinted distorted glass, disconnected and trying to link the pieces that crumbled. Running my hands over the dark denim covering my legs, paranoid that it's not actually a size 0, feeling the bones waiting to protrude, I am out of place in this body.

I crash back, falling hard onto the concrete of reality. Sometimes being alive, truly alive, is a sharp pain, a reminder of existence, the jagged edges of glass painted with a deep red of blood. Life hurtles itself, a frigid wind that we struggle to run against.

Harder and harder I try to lose my body, more and more of my mind slips away into a haze of thorns and pure nothingness.

all the little things

and it's strange how now, after spending much too long at my lowest point, there's everything to live for. Because life IS worth it. Because I am worth it. Because YOU are worth it. Choose life, always.

It's taken me a while to realize the superficial, the meaningful, and the beautiful little things in life that make it worth living, but they've always been there and always will be.
I smile because...

I love and I am loved by those that matter most
all the opportunities in this world
the rays of sunshine, an indescribable color of light, in the early morning
the perfect shade of blue in his eyes
the looseness in my size 0 jeans
the innocence and sweetness of my younger sister
smiles from strangers
finding sticky notes saying "You are beautiful"
an extra five minutes of sleep in the morning
being introduced as "the gorgeous one" to someone
the kindness shown by people
life is exciting, tempting, amazing again

I smile because I know that even though in the future, my smile will be replaced by tears, there will always be a reason to smile again.
Oh, and I smile because of you. (:

Thank you for commenting, it truly makes my day.
thisismeskinny
jackie
Bones
Kim
Wings to Set me Free
Sam Lupin
kes
lulu
Ahava
Chloe
Lucy's Shadow
Beth
Elle Marie
Marie
Tempest
Judith Marie
becca;
Little Miss Thin
Dani
BrazilianSpice
deseperee de maigrir

"darkness is drawn to darkness"

It lurks inside me, a black layer struggling to break through the surface. It attracts people with the same darkness inside. We size each other up while keeping ourselves contained inside neat little boxes, speaking carefully, hiding. Different issues, different nightmares, but blood is always the same deep red and our scars and wounds on the inside hurt the same.

I talk, trying to fill the empty space between us with words, any words, meaningless words and ones with so much unbearable emotions. And I wonder if it's too late to break through the wall between us. 

I am a huge 105 pounds now, gained 5 pounds since I started cross country.

His eyes are the shade of the sky on a perfect day, not the stormy unpredictable blue of J's eyes, not the sharp penetrating glare of his green eyes, nor H's dark brown eyes clouded with drugs. B calms me, makes me forget and live again. And I know he can give me a quiet kind of love, the kind that I need the most.

It's been about a month since I lasted posted here. It feels like years, I feel older. I'm happy, I really am. But I feel restless, I'm ready to return to my old lifestyle and live it harder and faster than before.

A thousand thanks to
Catherine
Sam Lupin
Christina
Dani
parisienne.love
desepaeree de maigrir
Neeska
Run
lulu
Wings to Set me Free
Ahava
Judith Marie
jackie
amilie
Aria
Candy
for commenting. I've missed everyone, so much. I promise not to leave for so long again, unless I must. Lots of love. <3
And if I was a reader of your blog before my absence, I would appreciate it if you left a link to your blog in a comment, so I can catch up on your lives. 

dancing like nobody is watching (Cinnamon Brown, please read!)

I'm sorry I have been away for a while, I promise to catch up on your blogs soon!


Trapped behind these thin glass walls of a mirror, alone with your thoughts, it gets isolating. And when you shatter the barrier, even for just a few hours, you'll find that in the other world, things are bright and colorful and alive, sharply contrasting with the dark hollow place you left, hollow like an empty stomach and the space between your hipbones.

I've swallowed the beat of the music, it pounds inside me along with my beating heart. My body moves of its own accord, free, escaped from its bonds. The crowd of bodies, indistinct in the darkness, pressing against me, pulsing, forming a single mass of movement. Laughs, shouts mingle with the words of the song. And I dance like nobody is watching, not even myself.

To Cinnamon Brown, (If anyone has her email address, I'd love it if you sent her a link to this post)
I'm sorry this has taken me forever to post! I am incredibly, incredibly sad that you have left blogger, but I am happy that you are moving on and devoting more time to your life. I miss you so much, you helped me hope and learn and smile. Your warm advice and friendly, common sense, humor, and kind words carried me through some of my darkest times. You are one of a kind, truly unique. I cried when I read your comment and found out you were leaving. You will always be in my heart, I promise. Even if we have never met in person, I think of you as one of my friends. If you ever need anything, I am always here for you. Thank you, for being you. I hope that you will find what you are searching for in this life. Wherever life may take you, I send my love and caring with you. <3

Thanks to
Catharina
Sophie
Bonjour Bones !
Marie
Neeska
Sam Lupin
Lucy's Shadow
Clear Girl
Little Miss Thin
crashxDburn
Run
amelia
jackie
Nichole S.
EmptyShell
Dotty Mcilduff
for giving me strength and caring and kind words. I hope you all have a very lovely day, I will catch up on your blogs very soon!

I never thought I would be the one

I never thought I would be the one to find myself, index finger forced to the back of the throat, my knees against the cold white floor tiles, surrendering. Looking in the mirror afterwards, I was surprised to see watery eyes and tears from the effort of purging. And then I cried for real.

I had ran four miles, breathing in out, in out, right knee painfully bending, unbending; and somehow decided this gave me permission to eat. God, I didn't know it was possible to binge on meat.

Purging, it seemed so wrong, an incorrect answer to a twisted problem. It's a path disguised as a shortcut, leading to a terribly wrong place. But I know I would do it again. And again.

Thanks to:
kes
Ahava
lottie x
Catharina
Emma
jackie
Run
MiniandMerry
Dani
Alice
Meg
Olivia Lee
for your lovely comments and kind words. Your support truly means the world to me.

restless

She screamed while they sewed up her mouth, until she couldn't anymore. The girl we were babysitting slept in the other room, my friend and I watching the sick scene of the horror movie, me wishing I could sew up my own mouth.

Exercising like crazy, eating like crazy. Addicted to the feeling of tight and strong muscles after running four miles, my hand on my chest to feel the wild pulse of my heart while playing tennis, constant soreness in my abs. Addicted to granola bars and strawberry jam.

Restless in mind and body. Painting lashes with upward strokes, a dark line of black against them, then realizing I would rather not go out. Pacing endlessly in all directions, counting as I go through the up and down movements of sit-ups.

I'm getting somewhere, I can feel it.

Please don't let me eat.

Thanks to:
becca;
Dani
Christina
Olivia Lee
crashxDburn
ascendancy
Jane Pansy
PerfectOxymoron
Rain
Sam Lupin
Little Miss Thin
Run
thisismeskinny
jackie
for commenting. Your support means the world to me. <3

not ready

The rough carpet scratching against my bare back, his weight on top of me, kissing through the taste of energy drinks and the tired confusion of 4 a.m. I don't want to be here, but there's nowhere else I'd like to be.

"God you're the hottest girl I've been with," he says, his green eyes meeting mine, a line he's probably used dozens of times on dozens of girls, but I'm okay with that. His hands are rough over my body. I wonder if he has a condom, if he can feel the ridges of my hipbones pressing into him through his jeans, if he can hear the pounding of my heartbeat. And it's strange how lonely I feel while so physically close to someone.

He reaches to pull his zipper down, but I reach for my shirt. And I leave before I can make another decision I'll come to regret.

I wasn't ready, and I won't truly be ready until I'm comfortable in this body.


Thanks to 
Sam Lupin
Little Miss Thin
crashxDburn
lulu
EmptyShell
Thin or Not
Ahava
Run
Catharina
Dani 
for commenting.

Measurements

The tape measurer winding its way around my body, for the very first time.
Chest: 31 inches
Waist: 24 inches
Hip: 33 inches

"Size double zero right?" she asked as she reached for a pair of dark blue jeans, on a shelf too tall for my height of 5"3. "No, zero," I said.

We strive to be something, by trying to become nothing.

A spoonful of yogurt, the rest thrown away. Uneven, jagged edges of a half-eaten apple. A bite of chocolate, spitting it into the trash. Food gets terribly boring, uninteresting. I'm finally truly tired of eating.


Please click here to help Riley Children's Hospital, thank you Skinnygirl for not only raising awareness about this, but actively working to help save lives.
Comment Replies:
HeatherMB- I'm sorry to hear about your knees, I hope they get better! The elliptical seems like a really good workout, I've never tried it though. I hope you have a lovely day!
Sammy- Thank you so much for your comment, you made me smile. (:
Dani- I'm sorry that you had to throw your scale away, his concern for you is truly touching though. I still hope that you find a way to negotiate with him about having a scale, maybe in a month or so! Thank you for your comment!
Skinnygirl- The link is above, I'm glad you are doing this. (:
A Girl with Tiny Intentions- Thank you for commenting, I hope you have a lovely day!
Cinnamon Brown- When I was a kid, I would throw my vitamins down the AC vent things, I had the Fred Flintstone vitamins. It's good to hear that the vitamins helped you stay relatively healthy at your lowest! Thank you for commenting!
RaeLynn- Thank you, your comment made me very happy. I love running cross country and I'm glad you did too. (:
Little Miss Thin- It's great to hear that you did cross country too! And I think the girls on these blogs are like a team, like family, and you're part of that too. (:

cross country

I see the world through eyes that don't seem to belong to me anymore, a long road ahead, raindrops of sweat dotting the sidewalk, the vagueness of houses and trees that recede as I run past. Like reindeer pulling Santa's sleigh, we run in pairs of two, lined up behind each other, our bright shoes against the pavement creating a rhythmic pounding. Legs, arms, body in constant motion. The uneven spurts of words, talking, dies out. My heart is bursting out of my chest, each breath I take requires me to think, I feel intensely alive and ready to die. Pain clouds my thoughts, I hide in memories, memories of kisses, memories of laughing, disassociating my mind from this body.

Words of encouragement shouted, gasped by the girls around me are better fuel than food. Numbness in my legs as we sprint towards the finish line, a pole. Collapsing onto the grass, the solid ground, we've made it, we've finished, together.

And for the very first time, I really truly understand the meaning of a team, to me, it means family.

Comment Replies:
crashxDburn- I agree, I also loved Wintergirls. It really gives me thinspiration and provokes a lot of thought each time I read it. I hope you read Wasted sometime! Thanks for commenting!
Cinnamon Brown- I love the way you put things, everything that seemed complicated, chaotic to me, becomes much clearer and less overwhelming when I read your comments and insight. Thank you for the comment!
Honor Regzig- "I think real self-acceptance also means accepting that these thoughts will always be with us and learning how to integrate all our parts into a whole". Amazingly well said, thank you. It truly made me think. Thank you for your comment!
dayofmine- Wasted was definitely hard to put down. I also would like to read some of her other novels, like Center of Winter.
Dani- I hope you get a new copy soon, I randomly read through mine frequently. I hope that one day, we can escape into a brighter world, it's hard to survive while we live in the mirror.
Sammy- "For one, I'm tired of not being able to write my own story, but let this ED splutter out splotches of ink to cover up the words I've already written, the promises I've made, twisted the words until lies were painted upon the paper." Beautiful. You truly are a wonderful writer.
kes- I hope you read it sometime, it's definitely worthwhile! I agree, I wish everyone could have a truly happy ending.
Pralinka- If you ever write your own book about your ed, please send me a copy, I'd love to read it!
thin_thighs- I'll check it out, it sounds really interesting. I hope you're doing well, and I hope you have a lovely day! <3
jackie- I haven't read too many books about eating disorders, hopefully we'll both find more good ones. (: Thanks for your comment!
Haley- It's almost impossible to put Wasted down! I love how you read it in Barnes & Nobles. Thanks for commenting!

"you never come back, not all the way"

"You never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad."
-Marya Hornbacher, Wasted


My copy of her memoir is like origami, a thousand little folds in the top corners of pages, marking profound ideas and phrases I wanted to remember. Reading the words over and over, it creates a strange sort of emptiness inside, full but still starving, as if I've tried to satisfy my hunger with freezing ice water. She tells her story so well and so completely, it feels like I've lived her life and experienced the horrors. Her world seemed confused and dark, the images unfocused, as she ripped and tore away the realness of being human with wants and needs; becoming sharp ribs and bones holding up a nearly dead body like the framework of a damaged house. And it's terrifying and fascinating to see how far she went, 52 pounds at 5'3, almost inspiring to know it is possible to lose half of myself and still come out alive, though partially dead.

There is no truly happy ending to her story, and there will never be a happy ending to anorexia or bulimia, and we know that, and we probably knew before we slipped into the mirror, but it'll take all our strength to break our way out.

Comment Replies: 
Little Miss Thin- Thank you, you are so sweet!
jackie- I've missed you bunches, I'm glad you are back! That made my day, I'm sure we'll both be able to wear them soon. (: I hope you have a lovely day!
Kat- Thank you for your kind words and positivity! I hope you have an amazing day.
Dirk Gently- Thank you, you're so nice!
Ellaveigh- I agree, tomorrow can always be better. Thank you for commenting!
More Than Me- Thank you, I hope you have a lovely day!
Lucy's Shadow- Thank you so much!
amelia- I hope you're having a lovely day also. Thank you!
Princess Perfection- Your comments always make me smile so hard. Thank you for being you! (:
time to pretend- Thank you incredibly, you made my day. I am doing better now, thanks to all of the lovely support from amazing people like you. <3
S.- Thank you so much for your comment! (:
becca;- "Hope is always there, sometimes we're just looking in the wrong places," so true. Thank you!
A Girl with Tiny Intentions- Thank you, I hope you have a lovely day! (:
Camille- It sounds like a really great job! I will definitely look into it. Thank you, I hope you have an amazing day!
EWC- I'm very glad you're back, we've missed you!
Dani- Thank you, I hope that everything is going well for you.

the city never sleeps

Covered in darkness, they walk by, their faces illuminated by the bright shop windows and glowing signs. The feeling of the damp, freshly rained-on streets through my sandals as I walk quickly over the stone ground, shadowed by the constant nightmare of an eating disordered mind, trying to get away. Away from the mistakes in the past and the ones I choose now, away from the overwhelmingness of life.

It has been said that the city never sleeps, but it seems to be in that semi-conscious state, between the oblivion of sleep and the awareness of being alive and awake. Above me, a thousand squares of light, belonging to a thousand lives that I wish I knew. The city is strangely quiet, peaceful, tonight. It feels intimate, raw, intensely lonely; like the woman who stands before the bathroom mirror at night, eyeshadow and tears washed away. She stares, unseeing, at the blankness of the ceiling and walls as she lays awake, searching for the strength to carry on, searching for something that will fill the emptiness inside.

Even in the blackness of night, there is light and beauty and life. Just as we can depend on the first rays of sunshine each day, we can depend on the smiles and happiness of a brighter future.


Thank you to kes, AVY, AJ, Olivia Lee, S., Britni Marie, Princess Perfection, Ellaveigh, Kat not Jas, EmptyShell, alice ana, Dani, Dirk Gently, in.the.name.of.thin, SkinnyLittleMe, Little Miss Thin, Grace, RaeLynn, Almost Alex, Catharina, and Meg for all of your love and support when I needed it the most. It meant the world to me to know that someone cared.

suicidal?

I once wrote a post about suicide, asked everyone to promise they
wouldn't take their own life. I'm truly sorry for being a hypocrite, I
really tried to stay positive, but this life is overwhelming, I'm too
weak to handle it.

I was sure these feelings and thoughts would never come back, but now
I'm drowning in them. I want to die. I can't live in this world or in
this body. I crave death, at the same time, I'm afraid, so afraid. I'm
more tired and sad than I've ever been in this life, and all I want is
rest, even if it means sleeping forever.

"don't fall, I see lights in the distance"

My size zero shorts are falling off my hips, I'm afraid to carry anything in the pockets, in case it might weigh them down completely. 

I've started running again. As I run on the treadmill, I feel like a hamster on an exercise wheel. I'm stuck, chained to this machine, I'm not allowed to get off. My legs are burning and my lungs struggle for air, I disassociate my mind from this body, I can't feel the pain because it isn't really me running. I ran three miles today, half a mile further each day. 

I'm avoiding the scale, the last time I weighed in, I was 100 pounds. I don't bother, no matter what number it is, I'll never be happy.

All this work, effort, progress, it feels so pointless. I'm addicted to chasing a destination I'll never reach. 

Does anyone know where Jordan, who used to write The JDawgManifesto, went? I'm worried about him.

Thank you incredibly for your comments on my previous post. All your concern and kind words really made me feel cared about and happy. I'm sorry I couldn't reply to comments individually, I was in a hurry for preparing for a 15 hour flight tomorrow morning.

B

lottie x 

Bones

AJ

MiniandMerry

becca;

Little Miss Thin

in.the.name.of.thin

Dani

Sammy

Kitty

EmptyShell

unbeautiful

amelia

Princess Perfection

the world wasn't shaking, it was me

Her steady hand drew dark brown eyeliner around my eyes, as I stared into the darkness of my closed eyelids and thought about how I could avoid breakfast. "Open slightly," she said, as my other friend watched. A dark purple color flooded my vision until it felt as if my eyes were closed again and I wondered how I could feel so nauseous if I had not eaten.

I recalled nothing else, until I vaguely felt the world shaking and shaking, I wished I could find something to hold onto, to tie me to this world, because I was sure I would be shaken right off. I heard voices calling, screaming my name. My eyes opened, and I was on the floor beside the dresser, on my hands and knees with my friends knelt down beside me with worried faces. They told me what I couldn't remember; I had passed out and my entire body had shook for a minute, similar to a seizure.

They forced me to go to the emergency room. I wonder what I'm doing to my health, and I wonder if I should care more. In all honesty, I tried to feel concern for my body, but I really do think that it was an interesting experience.


Comment Replies: I love you all incredibly. Thank you so much for your kind words, I truly appreciate each comment.
lottie x- Thank you for your lovely comment! (: I'm glad we've both found our true homes, and I hope we never leave home.
Dani- Yup, I trust in things falling into place if they're meant to be. (: Thank you for commenting, I've missed you!
Rachel Tavi- Thank you for your comment! I hope your friends return home soon, and that you have a lovely summer! (:
Cinnamon Brown- I'm so proud of your progress, I wish I could have been here for all these changes! Thank you for commenting, I hope you have a wonderful day! <3
Princess Perfection- Your comment made me smile, I've missed you a great deal! I hope you had an amazing vacation, and I'm happy to hear how about your motivation and hard work! Stay beautiful! (:
Sammy- I've missed replying to everyone's comments, I'm glad I'm back! (: Good job on fasting and I'm glad to hear that you are happy! Hope you have a lovely day, you deserve it!
~christy~- I agree, love truly is the best feeling in the world. I'm sure that you will reach your goals, you have my support! Good luck, stay beautiful!
Kitty- Hello, I love new followers! (: I hope we get to know each other! Have a lovely day, you deserve it. <3
amelia- Awh thank you! I hope you've had a good time also, I need to catch up on everything! (:
killa kristen- I've missed you all so much, I'm glad I'm back also! (: I hope you've had a lovely summer so far also! Thank you for your comment!
Neeska- I've missed you incredibly, I hope you've had a good summer so far! I need to catch up on your blog and progress and life! (: "sometimes we need to choose our own destiny", I love that, I love the power of deciding to make things happen instead of just hoping and waiting.
Empty Shell- I smiled so, so, so much when I saw all your comments, it truly made my day! (: I was wondering, where did your blog go? I can't find it on your profile page. Thank you a million for all of your lovely comments, you can't imagine how happy you've made me. (: Have a lovely day, you deserve it!
Kitty- Thank you, I'm glad I'm back with all of you! (:
Little Miss Thin- Thanks, I'm glad to be back! (: I hope that you have a lovely day, and stay beautiful. <3
AJ- Thank you for commenting! I hope you've had a lovely summer so far also! (:
Kat- Thank you for your kind words! I love your blog background, it's stunningly gorgeous. I hope you have an amazing day, you deserve it! <3

I'm back

I've missed you all incredibly. I'm about to read through all your comments on the posts while I was away and catch up on all your lovely blogs. I would really love it if you would leave a comment telling me important or meaningful things that have happened while I was gone for the last few weeks.

 I laughed, I cried, I danced. Most of all, I loved. I filled up all the hunger and emptiness inside me with love; love for life, friends, myself. I made the best memories of my life, with people that became friends that I will love forever, in three short weeks. I followed my impulses and did what I wanted, with no regrets. And as for J, I fell asleep in his arms on the last night, and I will always remember our early morning runs, kisses, laughs, everything. I don't know what we are, or what will happen now that we're a thousand miles apart again, but I trust in the future and I know things will fall into place. I found true happiness. If home is where the heart is, I will be back home again next summer.

the start of a madness

Where did it begin? The roots of anorexia are tangled in knots, wrapped around and strangling my identity, like a parasite. I suspect anorexia may have always been a part of me, buried deep within my mind, triggered by my environment and life.

Sexual abuse was one of the main factors. He made me feel unsafe and dirty inside my own body, contributing to my hatred of myself, wanting to starve myself away until I was pure and empty of the guilt and fear. I pushed others away, and isolated myself inside my own mind, leading to the beginnings of disordered thoughts. Being alive hurts, wasting away deadens the feelings, the pain, the memories.

The constant strive for perfection, to do the absolute best in every aspect, is the base, the foundation for anorexia. The relentless cravings for being perfect outweighs cravings for food. Pressure to continue until the breaking point in academics, athletics, music, created my eating disorder.

Each factor, each word, each event that contributes or leads to anorexia are too numerous to list and analyze. The beginnings of an eating disorder are chaotic, complicated, and dark and the path towards recovery will be the same. I do not desire recovery, yet I wonder, when will the madness end?


(I am still away, this post was pre-written and scheduled to be posted, so I won't be able to do comment replies, I'm sorry.) 

"Shhh," she said. "I'm sleeping."

"Just like that. From a hundred miles an hour to asleep in a nanosecond. I wanted to so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane." 

I wonder, if I ever will be that alive, the type of aliveness that surrounds the truly living and wakes up those around them. An eating disorder kills, is there enough room in my mind, my body for being alive? Could I live and be reckless and wild, with emotions and feelings, and be fascinating and intriguing, while slowly dying?

I can have both, I believe.

(I am still away, this post was pre-written and scheduled to be posted, so I won't be able to do comment replies, I'm sorry.) 

"Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia"

 

Let's create our future. Let's live for a more beautiful, brighter, more lovely world. Let's start today, we can do this, and we will. 

(I am still away, this post was pre-written and scheduled to be posted, so I won't be able to do comment replies, I'm sorry.) 

slowly, I let myself die

Anorexia. The first word I saw. A neat row of books with pages that had gone untouched for too long, lined up. On a whim, I picked up one, opened it and my eating disorder jumped out at me.

"There was something wrong. It was in my stomach, beginning in my mind, and working its way through the rest of my body. It was shutting down organs, making me healthy, and killing my brain cells. It was something I couldn't resist. A burning fire, a pain exploding through me as each day passed. Slowly, I let myself die.

Anorexia."

-Amy Anderson, Chicken Soup for the Soul


(I am still away, this post was pre-written and scheduled to be posted, so I won't be able to do comment replies, I'm sorry.) 

"her beating heart became a boom"

My excitement, my aliveness is struggling to stay contained inside me, co-existing with the tight grasp and boundaries of the eating disorder. 

I have not faced the internal conflict within, I am five pounds away from 95 pounds, and I still need to finish packing. But I am more ready than ever.

I have spent much of my time hiding, running from my issues, but now I am ready to be reckless, to be strong, to do what my heart, mind, body craves.

I am ready to live.

-----------------------------------------------------

I am leaving early in the morning tomorrow. I will not be able to get to a laptop for about three weeks (except maybe once or twice), but I've pre-written and scheduled some posts to be posted, since I can't stand the thought that this blog wouldn't be updated for three weeks. But unfortunately, I won't be able to do comment replies, or comment on any of your blogs. I will miss all of you more than you can imagine, and I hope that each one of you stays safe and happy.

Not everyone has posted their final competition weigh-in, so I will be unable to announce the winner and give out the prize until I return, and I am incredibly sorry for that.

Competition Final Weigh-In!

"You should kiss me underwater," he said to his girlfriend, as all eight of us swam in the cool water, escaping the 95 degree weather. Each one of his ribs protruded, I could see the bumps of his spine form a line down his back. I wanted to trace and feel his bones, so strong and fragile. When he jumped into the pool, his bones seemed to slice through the water.

Competition:

Please leave a comment with your SW, CW, and total amount lost in pounds, by midnight tonight. I am incredibly proud of everyone, and I hope that you all are closer to, or have reached your goals.

the lovely contestants:

thin and bones

Sara

ullalexie

diluer_est_beau

~christy~

Thinqueen1

Dotty Mcilduff

SkinnyLove

Dani

Brittany

Nele

Alex

JT

ellie3D

blanche

| | ANONYMOUS | |

ELLE-usive Dream

thincrisis

Almost Alex

Elle Marie

Angela

Kes ElBar7a

Zane

Just Jessica 

SimplyHeather

thin_thighs

alice ana

Lucy's Shadow

Arwen

Bee

Kitty

Thin or Not

Megan

becca

ArArY&K

Alicia Kay

Ana's Addict

Miyuki Hara

Perfection and Ana

hockychick19

Comment Replies:
Dani- I completely agree, I also wish I could pack up all my things and start a new fresh life. I hope you have a lovely day! <3
Skinny Fat Girl- I am incredibly jealous of your sister, I wish I could do that. Responsibility is difficult on us.
AJ- Thanks for commenting! I hope you have a lovely day, you deserve it!
ElBar7a- I'm sure it will be down a lot more, once the water weight is gone! Oh gosh, I despise airplane food also, it seems so artificial. Good luck, stay beautiful!
Cinnamon Brown- Very well put, human beings do seem to have a longing for wandering and searching for their hearts' desires. "The more we chase after it, the more we chase it away," I'm afraid I will chase it away, I'll do my best to run quite fast though. (: I haven't heard of Zen Buddhism, but it seems like it would be very peaceful and calm. You're right about life being about the journey, the beginning and end aren't quite as important as the middle and our experiences. I totally smiled when you mentioned Dumbledore and Harry, I am a proud Harry Potter fanatic. And I adore that quote. You seem to know very much about birds, you are an expert! Birds are truly beautiful. I've only seen a hummingbird once, it was incredible. Ha "Not unless you count a 'magic mushroom trip' and a 'trip down memory lane'", you crack me up! (: I hope you have a very wonderful day! <3
~christy~- "I wish i could travel to a far away land, leave all the problems behind and find something to fill the emptiness in my life." I completely agree with this. I hope that both of our dreams come true. 
Displayed- I find it very amusing and quite cool that both me and your four year old are in the same situation! Oh, I really do miss the innocence and happiness of young childhood. I hope that we can both find what we are searching for. (: I hope you have a lovely day, stay beautiful!
amelia- I agree, I am envious of the people that know what they want in life. Thanks for commenting! (:
Alex- I find it interesting that you pack suitcases on a regular basis, you seem to have the spontaneousness that I wish I had. I hope we find what we are looking for, I'm sure we will one day.
Kat not Jas- Thank you so much for your support! (: Good luck, stay beautiful!
Princess Perfection- You are right, we will all reach our goals one day, because we possess the strength and will. "You are not lost, just taking a detour" this was incredibly reassuring, thank you. I'm very sorry I haven't been commenting lately, I will fix that! (: I hope you have a lovely day!
Skinny Little Me- Good luck on your fast, I know that you have the strength to do it! It's very inspiring to hear that you are going to fast. (:

a broken compass

For those of you in the competition, please post your SW, CW, and total amount lost in pounds on the May/June Competition page by midnight on June 10th! (: Thank you very much for participating, I'm so proud of every one of you!

If anyone has been wondering about my current weight, the last time I checked, I was still at 100 lbs.

Each one of us is looking, searching for something in our lives. Can we find what we are searching for, if we are unsure of what we want? I'm wandering with a blank map and a broken compass and a need to find my destination. I can feel the craving, the want for something, something that I cannot identify yet. But I am sure that somehow, that when I find what I have been unknowingly searching for, I will know.

I adore packing, a journey begins with the preparation. I'm throwing clothes and hopes into a suitcase, I feel as if I am truly going somewhere. 

Two more days.

Comment Replies: I love you all, your support means the world to me. I truly appreciate each comment, thank you all for your lovely insight. 
Thin or Not- I live for the summer, but I love winter clothes; scarves, layers, boots, jackets. I hope you have a wonderful day!
in.the.name.of.thin- I hope you don't cancel your plans with your best friend! I hope you have a great time shopping, I'm sure it'll be a ton of fun. (: Have a lovely day!
jackie- I agree, sometimes I wish I could sleep forever. I hope that being with people will make me happy, starting tomorrow, I have non-stop plans. Thanks for commenting!
ElBar7a- I sometimes wish I could still wear winter clothes, it's in the 90s though where I live. I completely agree with what you said about our eating disorders becoming the center of our lives, every decision we make, all our plans, our thoughts become tangled with our disorder. Congrats on being a vegetarian, I really admire that lifestyle! Thank you so much for your lovely comment! (:
Hilly.M- I would be completely lost without the amazing support from this blog. "I reckon that we are, even a little step, closer to recovery if we choose to indulge in life despite keeping our dark secrets in the closet." I love this sentence, indulging in happiness is the best thing for us. Thank you for your comment!
~christy~- I agree, I am terrified of ever gaining back the weight I've lost, once I make it to the double digits, I would have a mental breakdown if I went back to triple digits. "I believe you can keep your low weight and have a life at the same time", thank you, this was incredibly reassuring. I hope you have a very lovely day! <3
lottie x- I agree, I adore wearing hoodies! Thank you so much for your support!
Displayed- You are completely right, I need to force myself to be with others, it's the best choice for me! I can't stay locked up with this eating disorder forever, I need to live. Thank you for helping me realize that.
AJ- I'm happy you ended up having a great time at the ball! "Shutting out these people is a dangerous road to go down, they love you and you need to show them that you love them or risk losing them forever." I remembered this part of your comment today, and it helped give me a new perspective. Thank you for commenting!
Bones- Thank you very much for your support! I hope that we both can be alive again. Stay beautiful!
killa kristen- I hope that I get back into the swing of things soon! I'm glad that you've gone back to being social, I hope I do the same. Thanks for your support! (:
Cinnamon Brown- "I truly hope you choose to walk in the light, it's the only way you'll thaw" "It's amazing what new things are waiting, if we just remember to let go of the old!", beautifully written! I'm really happy for your choice to do what's best for you! You made me realize, I haven't watched the birds at the bird feeder for longer than I can remember. I need to see them again. I used to have a wild chick a dee (is that what they're called?) friend, I miss him quite a lot. I hope that you have a lovely day, you deserve it!
lulu- Thank you so much for your support! I'm glad that you've gone back to living again, it's really reassuring to know that it does get better. I hope that you have a wonderful day, stay beautiful! <3
Dani- It does seem like life is full of things that we're forced to do. I hope that you're feeling okay, it must be difficult to act like nothing's wrong, at work, when you're going through a tough time. I hope that you have a lovely day! (:
Skinny_legs- Thank you for your kind words and support! I hope that you have an amazing day, stay beautiful!

frozen in the snow

June 7th, 2011? My calendar still says October 2010. Months have passed, much too fast, much too slow.

It's summer, almost 100 degrees outside. I'm still hibernating, buried in the snow, hiding from the world. Living is exhausting, I'm consumed by my eating disorder. I loved people, I truly did, now I only want to be with those that are closest to me. Plans for the movies, bowling, the mall, and especially restaurants are avoided, party invitations are ignored. Texts, facebook messages, and calls go unanswered.  Laughing is an effort, conversations seem meaningless. I am frozen in the snow.

Starting this Friday, I'll have to wake up when all I want is to sleep. Swimming with friends, followed shortly by three weeks with J, and then traveling out of the country for two weeks, ending with the beach with friends. I'm not ready at all, but this is for the best, I need to be alive again.

Comment Replies:
jackie- I agree, it does seem like we have a more difficult time following the golden law in reverse. Thank you for your comment, you made my day much better, and I hope you also have a lovely day! <3
ElBar7a- "I will think of every breath I take as something and I will remember that I am worthy." your words inspired me! I am truly glad for your confidence and love for yourself today, I hope that you will continue to feel this way! (:
Alex Accursed- I'm very happy for your positive attitude for yourself, you deserve to feel this happiness. Good luck, stay beautiful!
Hilly.M- Happiness is quite elusive sometimes. Thank you, I hope that you have a wonderful day! (:
Skinny Little Me- I'm really sorry to hear that you've written that list of things you hate about yourself. Go outside, look at the stars, that's how many beautiful qualities you possess. I hope you have a lovely day full of happiness, you deserve it!
Cinnamon Brown- I love your positive attitude and your way of thought, that we always have a choice. Choice is important to me, because control is important to me, yet I seem to forget frequently that I have a choice. Thank you for commenting!
Wings to Set me Free- I've never thought of it that way ("whenever I meet a critical person, I always feel bad for them, because I know how much more critical they must be of themselves") , thank you for the insight! Have an amazing day!
~christy~- You are beautiful, always remember that. I hope you have a very wonderful day, you deserve it!
Lucy's Shadow- Good luck on your fasting! I'm glad you're back, I've missed you! I hope you have a lovely day, you deserve it. (:
MiniandMerry- I agree, learning to love yourself is one of the most difficult challenges we face in life. You're right, true beauty is from the inside, I hope we all see that one day.
Alex- Thank you, I hope you have a lovely day! <3
Gianni- We definitely are, we attack ourselves from within.
Ivy- Thank you for your comment! Yup, I also hope we are kinder to ourselves!
Bones- I agree, I do the same, I hope that we start treating ourselves like we treat others!
Thin or Not- You made my day, I hope you have a lovely day as well. <3
lulu- I'm sorry that your list of things you hate about yourself is longer than the list of likes about yourself. But the beautiful, amazing qualities about you greatly outnumber your perceived faults, and I hope you see that. (:
Marie- Thank you, that made me smile!

"cause I am my enemy"

Eating disorders take a toll on us, mentally, physically. Our self-esteem, our confidence is worn down, ripped apart. At times, we feel worthless, we sink deeper and deeper into our disorders until we're drowning.

Yesterday, I read the blog of a girl who had written 101 reasons why she hated herself. It truly broke my heart, because she deserves 101 reasons to love herself.

I criticize myself with words that I would die rather than say to any friend, or even a stranger. And I know I am not alone in this.

So today, let's be kind to ourselves, and treat ourselves like we would treat someone we love. Because we deserve to feel happiness.

Comment Replies:
Hilly.M- That's quite cool, I didn't know you were German.
Wings to Set me Free- Thank you, you made me smile!
AJ- That's really sweet of you, thank you! (:
~christy~- Thank you so much, I hope you have a wonderful day!
Cinnamon Brown- Your kind words made my entire day, thank you incredibly! I love your lovely comments, they always make me smile. I hope that you have a very amazing week!
Dani- I'm glad you'll never stop writing! I hope that you have a very lovely day, you deserve it! <3
ElBar7a- Thank you so much for your kind words, you are so sweet! Thank you for your lovely words, I am sure that others will find inspiration and strength from your quote.
Alex- I'm happy you enjoyed the quotes, this ana/mia community seems to be full of beautiful writers!
Thin or Not- I'm glad it makes me you happy, thank you for the inspiration! I hope you have a wonderful day!
Alex Accursed- I love your determined and positive attitude! Good luck, stay beautiful!
jackie- Thank you so much, you are really sweet! I hope you have a very lovely day, you deserve it!
Princess Perfection- Thank you so much for your kind words, I truly appreciate them! I am very happy for your decision to escape from Ana, I'm glad that you are choosing to live a healthy life. I wish you the best of luck, stay beautiful! <3
alice ana- Your strength is inspiring, I'm proud of you for staying strong. Thank you so much for your kind words! I hope that you have a very lovely day, you deserve it!
Kitty- Thank you, I'm glad you liked the post!
amelia- Thank you incredibly for your kind words, I'm smiling like crazy, you are such a sweet person. I read your blog, you are very charismatic, I hope you continue writing! Love the blog name! Good luck, stay beautiful. <3

words from you

Words have such power, especially when arranged beautifully, in sentences that convey emotions, meanings, thoughts. These are your words.

"You can always change; you can always start over; you can always get better, but you can never live in this life again." Emmmmm.

"I am all the surfaces of unfolded origami, a million reasons why, uncountable stars, infinite moments. how do you define that?" jackie


"i wish all of you love and a smile; we all deserve a smile once in awhile, and we always give each other much needed love - for a world that's supposed to be so dark and warped, we have such supportive and (most of the time) positive people in it. it's wonderful. any of you can pick me up when i feel like i've fallen, and i'd always be happy to do the same for any of you."  alice ana

" We must be the masters of our own happiness. We may not be able to control of what happens to us, but we can choose how we react to these things. The choice is ours, victim or victor! It's up to us and no one else!" Cinnamon Brown

"I need to get it out of my life!
I am going to do well with this, I know it.
I am a perfectionist.
I crave control.
I need to be the best.
AND I WILL."  Ana's Addict

"The pleasure you get is from the emptiness in your stomach and the numbers on the scale and those flickers of moments where you're convinced you are powerful. But all is weighed down by the displeasure, the guilt of eating, the nausea and headache and pain from not eating, the fear that someone would find out, the fear that you will gain, the obsession, the inability to sit down and think about anything else... " ElBar7a

This post was inspired by Thin or Not, who has a lovely blog, My Mission to a Thin Me.


Comment Replies: Instead of replying to comments this time, I felt like writing about all of your lovely blogs.
Hearing Out Echo (CAliChica)- I absolutely love the name of your blog, it's unique and beautiful. I really enjoy your writing style, it draws me in. I hope you continue writing!
A Picture, a Face, a Candle, and a Different Place (ElBar7a)- I adore the name of your blog, it's quite lovely! I love your positive attitude and determination, reading your blog always gives me thinspiration. Stay beautiful!
The Sinking Game (Hilly.M)- You have a beautiful and interesting way of writing. You're also a genuinely friendly and kind person, and it shows in your blog. Please continue writing!
Learning To Fly (Alex Accursed)- I really enjoy the format and text of your new blog, though I do miss reading the old one. I like the more recovery-themedness of your blog. You are a really interesting and sweet person, I'm happy that we've met through our blogs. Your strength inspires me.
- fading into nothing - (~christy~) - The flowers throughout your blog are gorgeous! I like how you format your posts, and you are such a caring and kind person, I love how you wish everyone a good day at the end of each post. Stay beautiful, and keep writing!
* f a k e . f a d i n g . m e m o r i e s * (annamaria) - I really like the title of your blog, it's so delicate and lovely. I love reading your blog, when I have more time this summer, I plan to start reading from the beginning. Your control and strength motivate me, thank you!
bones are pure (Dani) - I really enjoy reading your blog, both your blogs actually (your thinspo one is very lovely!). You are truly inspiring, you provide me with so much strength and major thinspiration. I love how you post pictures and music on your blog. I'd be extremely devastated if you ever stopped writing.
Sincerely, Cinnamon Brown (Cinnamon Brown) - Your blog shines with your beautiful personality, I have never met anyone quite like you, and that is very unfortunate, because you are so friendly and welcoming, caring, intelligent, with a warm sense of humor and common sense, you are so alive. I look up to you more than you can imagine. I adore your blog and the uplifting positivity of it, I truly enjoy reading it, you are an amazing writer, and an amazing person. 

the price we pay

Friday weigh-in for the competition! I'm proud of everyone for all of your effort and hard work!

Like an empty stomach tears away at the body, an empty head tears away at the mind. Like I try to fill my hunger with water, I fill my mind with meaningless thoughts that lead nowhere. 

How much do we sacrifice for our eating disorders? Friends, family, relationships, health, love. Our lives in exchange for a disease. I've only given up my sanity so far, though I was never truly sane.

I thought I was willing to pay the price, I am not so sure now, though I've lost the power to make a choice. 

Comment Replies: Thank you all so much for your lovely insights! 
Ana's Addict- Thank you so much for your kind words! You really do give me strength, I'm always excited to read your blog and your lovely comments. Let's fight to find our bones together. <3
Gianni- I agree, the human body is an incredible thing, it amazes me how strong we really are. Thank you for commenting!
Alex- "They're my safety net," that made me think. I hope that you are having a lovely day, you deserve it!
Thin or Not- Thank you very much, you made me smile! (:
CAliChica- Thank you, you're so sweet! (:
Cinnamon Brown- I love elephants now, they seem like such incredible, intelligent creatures. I want to cry when I hear of elephants being killed, how can people have so little hearts and souls? And I adore how you call them Ellies! That sounds like an amazing experience, you really are such an interesting person. Thank you for commenting! (:
~christy~- Bones are gorgeous, I'm glad you feel the same way.
AJ- You've worked so hard for your beautiful bones, I think you have a right to be protective over them. (: If someone touched my hipbones, I'd probably freak out. Thanks for commenting!
alice ana- I also can't wait until I can see my ribs, I've had a strong fascination with ribs ever since I was young. Congrats on your hipbones! I wish mine were more visible, though I can see them. I'm sorry you feel that you have lost connections with your friends, I hope that everything returns to normal. I know it will, because you truly are an amazing person and the people lucky enough to be in your life know that also. :) This whole ED community should meet one day in the future, I'd love to meet you, you are an inspiration and comfort to me. Stay beautiful!
Dani- Thank you so much for the email address, you are such an incredibly caring person! (: You are also a major thinspiration for me, I hope to uncover my ribs, like you have already done.
Alex- You already are quite a successful person, congrats on nationals! (: I hope we find our bones, I know we can do this.
Bones- Bones are beautiful, let's find them together! (:
Hilly.M- I completely agree with you about bones making a statement about one's character, to be able to show your skeleton, you must have a strong character. Thank you, I'm very happy you like my blog's background! (:
the_dark_kight- Thank you incredibly! Wintergirls is one of my favorite books, being compared to the writing style made my day. (: Congrats on uncovering your beautiful bones, I'm happy that your boyfriend likes bones also.