102

A digital scale is badly needed.

It should be impossible after eating 1,200 calories yesterday, but somehow I am down 2 pounds today. Stayed on the scale for at least twenty minutes, making sure I really was 102 pounds. 

I wonder what J would think if he realizes I'm not the same person I was 2 years ago, I'm a strange new girl that's stolen her body and taken over her mind. If he sees inside me and reads my thoughts, he'll run from the chaos.

Went through several cycles of washing, slicing, and eating strawberries today. Because they remind me of J, because everything reminds me of him. In three weeks, I'll see his face for the first time in 2 years. Two years of waiting, wondering, missing, asking myself questions without answers. 

I've built a fragile card house out of love, hopes, wants. If he destroys it, I'll be crushed underneath. 

I'm not ready to hear the answers, as much as I crave them.

Comment Replies:

Thin or Not- I'm glad you like your name. I've always wanted a popular name like yours, I dislike having an uncommon one. Thanks for commenting! :)
Skinny_legs- I'm happy you've grown into your name and like it now. Maybe I'll do the same. I watched the movie I was named after, it's quite old, it's not my favorite, but it's not bad. Thanks for your comment!
unbeautiful- I wish I could also go by my middle name, except I also dislike my middle name. I'd love to have a more girly name, we could trade! :) Thanks for commenting!
TheJDawg01- It is quite a cool nickname. I've never actually met anyone named that before. Thanks for commenting!
Elbar7a- I like your abbreviation of your name, I might also do that with my name. And it shortens the amount you have to write! Thank you for your advice, I think I will try yoga and more variation in my intake. Congrats, you're almost there, good luck in the competition! :)
~christy~ - Those are pretty names, I especially like Daisy. Speaking of Daisy, have you tried the Marc Jacobs Daisy perfume? Thanks for your comment!
Thin Thrills- I'm not sure how to pronounce it, but it looks elegant! I agree, plateaus are awful, they make me wonder why my body insists on attempting to stay at a certain weight. Good luck on breaking yours and thank you for commenting!
when_in_rome- I hope you love your name again, maybe you could go by your middle name instead. I wonder if the supposedly "common" names are actually not that common, I've barely met any 'Bob's, or 'Jane's or 'John's. If I could change my name, I would choose a name that's fairly common. Thanks for commenting!
Dani - I'm glad that your name suits you! Thankfully, people are starting to call me by a nickname, or more like an abbreviation of my real name. Thanks for commenting! :)
Ana's Addict- I absolutely love the way you write! I agree, I've also wished I could change my name, but realized it would confuse the people in my life. I wonder why the process of legally changing a name is so difficult. That's a beautiful name, I especially love 'Grace'. Thanks for commenting, I hope you have a lovely day!
jackie- I love how your name could have a multitude of nicknames. You were right about waiting out the plateau, I'm really glad I didn't give up and binge. Thank you for your support!