forgotten passions

While talking to a friend, I realized that I used to have passions, things I loved doing, but they were forgotten and abandoned when this eating disorder became the center of my life. 

Creating the world around me, with paintbrushes and pencils, was my passion. I loved being alive, so I captured life on a piece of paper. 

I became frustrated with drawing, the beauty of the world was impossible to be sketched perfectly. My art felt like a flower that had withered, still a flower, yet not alive. I hid away all my canvases, pencils, paints, and ran away from what I couldn't do. 

I painted this white flower, when I was 7 years old. I tried my best, but I wish I had done better. 

(the blue thing is a sticky note, I covered my name)

Comment Replies: 

Alex- Thank you for your insight, it's great to hear perspective from someone who actually was diagnosed. You're right, I do want to validate what I'm doing, but maybe I should find some other way. Thank you for commenting, I'm doing better now! :) 

beautiful- I got rid of the 'un' in front of your name, because you ARE beautiful and I hope you see that one day, even though it isn't my place to tell you. I also strive for a BMI of 17.5, since I heard that it's the BMI that medically diagnoses you as anorexic. I'm not sure if we'll ever be satisfied. Thanks for commenting!

Ana's Addict- You have lost an incredible amount, I'm so proud of you! You truly inspire me, I'm sure that the results are beautiful, I hope that you can see it one day. Thank you for commenting! :)

Thin or Not- Thank you for your support, you made my day better! :)

Nikki- Thank you so much for commenting! :) I totally agree with what you said "the thinner I get, the fatter I feel".

A Girl with Tiny Intentions- Good job on the loss of over 20 lbs, that's amazing! Did you ever take "before and after" pictures? Maybe then you could see the difference if it was in picture form. Thank you for commenting!

~christy~- Congrats on the weight loss! It's good to know that I'm not alone in feeling the satisfaction quickly disappear. I'm not sure if we will ever be satisfied, but maybe one day in the far distant future, we'll feel differently. Thanks for commenting!

Miyuki Hara- I'm really sorry that you had to go through all of the side effects. Thank you for your perspective, the negative side is rarely mentioned. Are you in recovery now? I hope you stay safe and not have to experience all of that again. Thanks for commenting!

TheJDawg01- I could safely aim for 89, so I still have a very long way to go. I'm not sure if I'll ever be finished, I won't stop until I feel like it's enough. Thank you for commenting!

Chalks- It makes me wonder if our eyes are lying to us, when we can't see any progress in the mirror. Congrats on the weight loss, you're doing great! Thank you for commenting!

Displayed- I truly appreciate your insight, I did not know that being diagnosed as anorexic would show up forever on my medical transcripts, I thought that information was private, that colleges couldn't see it. "don't let them chain you to a word", thank you, this really made me think. I will do my best to hide this from people. Thank you for commenting!

Cinnamon Brown- Albert Einstein said some pretty amazing things, I wish I had known him in real life. "you do display all the classic symptoms of an eating disorder", thank you I really needed to hear that! I guess I wanted to be told that I do have an eating disorder, to make sure that this chaos isn't an imaginary part of my thoughts and that I'm still partially sane. Accupuncture? That sound really interesting! I've always wanted to try accupuncture, I'd feel like a porcupine, but the experience seems beneficial. I'm really proud of you for quitting smoking, that shows incredible willpower. I didn't know that green tea tablets screw with metabolism, thank you for telling me. "WE hold the keys to the locks that bind us and only WE can deem ourselves worthy" beautifully written and incredibly true. I hope you have a lovely day!

Hilly.M- I agree, the labels are very important to me, they help define me and my identity, make me feel like I'm truly alive. Thank you for commenting! :)

Thinqueen1- I'm curious about how psychiatrists diagnose people, do they ask you a lot of questions and figure out if you fit the criteria? Thank you for commenting!

Anonymous (Ashley)-Thank you so much for your kind words, you really did make my day! :) It's good to hear that we think so alike. I hope that you have a lovely day, and that you start a blog soon, I'd love to read your writings.

Bones- I'm also afraid that what I strive for won't be enough, that there's no end in sight. Thank you for commenting, I hope you have a lovely day! :)

Dani- I agree with you, on some level, I'd love to be officially diagnosed as anorexic, because it would make my problem seem real, truly exist, and not just in my thoughts. Thank you for commenting!

MiniandMerry- Thank you incredibly for the support! I'm happy that you learned to love yourself, you deserve to, because you are a beautiful person. You made me feel much better, I'll do my best to take the negative and turn it into something positive. :) Thanks for your comment!