Wednesday, May 9, 2012


"To play this piece, you had to have experienced heartbreak, romantic heartbreak," my violin teacher tells me. But I prefer the piano. It is solid and difficult to move and reassuring. I have played piano and faithfully attended lessons since 1st grade, but only very recently, has passion replaced hate. I find myself sitting there, my fingers following their own path over the smooth black and white keys. Sometimes my mind leaves and comes back; my hands know the music better than me. I've fallen in love with Liebestraume No. 3, by Franz Liszt. The piece is coming together in fragments. Music has always touched me superficially, the notes grazed my ear. Now, it enters me through the skin and reverberates. Every chord and every phrase is an emotion and thought, the song is a story.

Finally, I have fallen out from the binge/purge cycle. My scale told me 101 pounds yesterday, recovered from the high of 107. Ninety-three is 8 pounds away. I was excited to discover that I can easily wrap my hand around my wrist, all four fingers able to reach the top of my thumb. It seems, that to accept myself, I must cut the body away. I recognize the mental and physical repercussions, but logic has not altered anything. I am not the excess weight that clings to me, like leaves on a tree. I want to be a tree in the dead of winter, bare and thin and light.

Last night, I cried, remembering all the many mistakes and people I had wronged, the loneliness that used to wrap itself tightly around me, the uncertainness that I have never been able to penetrate. And when I had grown tired of tears, I waited for catharsis, expecting a calm after the glass jar with all the built up emotions had shattered. I still felt like a failure, but I realized I am responsible for my own happiness and well-being. And I want to attain that. I want all the negative thoughts and anger and sadness to drain out, so I can fill the space with everything I value and love.

I write a lot about my experiences, my feelings, my life, but I think I write infrequently about me as a person.  

1. Blue is my favorite color, because it can be both tranquil and intense.
2. I have an intense fear of getting lost, especially during night.
3. If I could, I would always wear short, simple dresses.
4. Shyness is one of my major issues and I am amazed I have friends.
5. I have perfect pitch. I am also a terrible singer.
6. At night, I send my thoughts scattering in nonsensical directions to fall asleep. 
7. I wish on dandelion puffs and stars.
8. I look older than my chronological age.
9. I want the courage to stand up for what I believe.  
10. One day, I hope to travel every inch of the world and live without fear or regret.

Thanks to mylittlebones, Chloe, Depressed Skinny Mess, Princess Perfection, AVY, Judith Marie, and I do, I do. for your comments on my last post! All of you are incredible. 
mylittlebones - I first began my obsession early last year. Unfortunately, I have not continuously lost weight, b&p/willpower/life/friends/wanting to get better/etc has kept me from the two-digits. I am momentarily satisfied when I see a change on the scale, but I always strive to be thinner and thinner. Thank you so much for commenting! :)
Judith Marie - I have never been able to really grasp that aspect myself. I do think that I make others uncomfortable when I do not eat when expected, such as at a restaurant or at lunch. When I binge and do not purge, I'm in an awful mood and unfortunately that affects the people in my life. I also wonder if people suspect the truth about me. Oh and I just realized your picture is of a hedgehog!!! I adore hedgehogs! Do you have one? A classmate carries hers around in a purse sometimes. Anyways, thank you so much for commenting! <3