Tuesday, October 25, 2011

black and purple

Bruises up and down my arms, painful and purple. Only two yesterday morning, several more now, and I have no memory of getting injured there. Bruises up and down my mind, painful and black; blood wells below the surface of my skin, words I wish I could say hide inside my head.

We sit there, talking, without warning he says, "What do you weigh? Like 90 pounds? You're so fucking skinny," And I laugh. 104 pounds really.

And it seems that the more I lose, the more attention I get, not necessarily wanted. Walking down an empty hall, a guy passes and out of the corner of my eye I see him do a double take, mouth open. Another guy, same initials as me, asks for my number, accidentally washes off the pink highlighter while he's high, asks for it again. "Want to "study"?" he asks, emphasis and hidden meaning, and adds "Nice jeans,"

I can see white powder, contrasting with the darkness of the room, gray shadows of people against the walls. Heroin, I think. A sharp needle point, presses against a thin blue river curving on my arm, hand shaking, it breaks through. And I wake up, no puncture marks on my arm, just bruises.

Comment Replies
Judith Marie- An incredibly, beautiful memory, described so perfectly, I felt as if I watched it happen. Thank you so much for sharing it with me. I hope you have a very lovely day!
Sam Lupin- You know, I truly realize the power and beautiful of words when I read, experience, your writing. You bring so much light into my days, I hope I can shine just as bright for you.
jackie- Thank you for always being there for me, and for bringing me back when I feel like falling.
Depressed Skinny Mess- Thank you incredibly, you're right, I must stay strong, I won't give up.
Tempest- I agree, so many here in this community write with such beauty. I hope you have an amazing day, you deserve it!
alice ana- I've missed your comments, thank you for bringing a smile to my face. Major congratulations on being 98 pounds, you're beautiful inside and out. Please take care though, and I'll try to do the same. Much love.
Lucy's Shadow- Welcome back, you always inspire me to do my best!
the outside in to thin- I love your username, by the way. Thank you so much for your lovely words!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

for the beautiful ones

for Sam Lupin, whose words, words not simply black against the oblivion of white, but words of a thousand shades, the color of flickering heat smoldering on dry logs, the indescribable color of the sea under the glare of the sun, leave me breathless and alive; the one who has always been there, a safe shelter in the midst of the darkest storms. Looking out into the night, a single candle against the emptiness, a star shining brightly, reassuringly; it reminded me of you. I wish I could describe how amazing, how much you mean to me and others, words fail me. Thank you for being you. <3
for Dani, always there with advice and kind words, not only a thinspiration, but an inspiration for being a beautiful person in spirit and body. You give me hope.
for Jackie, who has an incredibly sweet and caring heart, a shoulder to cry on, like an older sister I've always wanted. You're beautiful, never forget it.
for Just Jessica, Little Miss Thin, kes, alice ana, Alex, Olivia Lee, missinsanity, becca;, Marie, Neeska, Cinnamon Brown, Elle Marie, Thin Thighs, Beth, Lucy's Shadow, Ahava, Wings to Set me Free, Bones, thisismeskinny, amelia, lulu, Run, Catherine, Megs, Empty Shell, Jane Pansy, Rain, Tempest, Judith Marie, and all the beautiful ones out there.
I want you to know that you are are absolutely gorgeous, absolutely perfect, just the way you are. Although I've never seen any of you, I know you are beautiful people, because your words touch me, bring a smile to my face, and I can see the radiance of your personalities and love for others.
Thank you. <3

"You look so fragile. I could easily throw you over my shoulders and carry you," he said.

And I am fragile, in mind. As I walk, as I write, as I work, I fall into my own world. I wonder who I am, repeat my name until it seems familiar, until it fits again. I wonder what I am doing, how I got here. Driving down the road, the wheel feels so strange in my hands and the cars aren't real anymore.

People fade to the dull shade of a half-remembered dream. I look past them, through them.  I glance at myself through a tinted distorted glass, disconnected and trying to link the pieces that crumbled. Running my hands over the dark denim covering my legs, paranoid that it's not actually a size 0, feeling the bones waiting to protrude, I am out of place in this body.

I crash back, falling hard onto the concrete of reality. Sometimes being alive, truly alive, is a sharp pain, a reminder of existence, the jagged edges of glass painted with a deep red of blood. Life hurtles itself, a frigid wind that we struggle to run against.

Harder and harder I try to lose my body, more and more of my mind slips away into a haze of thorns and pure nothingness.

Monday, October 3, 2011

all the little things

and it's strange how now, after spending much too long at my lowest point, there's everything to live for. Because life IS worth it. Because I am worth it. Because YOU are worth it. Choose life, always.

It's taken me a while to realize the superficial, the meaningful, and the beautiful little things in life that make it worth living, but they've always been there and always will be.
I smile because...

I love and I am loved by those that matter most
all the opportunities in this world
the rays of sunshine, an indescribable color of light, in the early morning
the perfect shade of blue in his eyes
the looseness in my size 0 jeans
the innocence and sweetness of my younger sister
smiles from strangers
finding sticky notes saying "You are beautiful"
an extra five minutes of sleep in the morning
being introduced as "the gorgeous one" to someone
the kindness shown by people
life is exciting, tempting, amazing again

I smile because I know that even though in the future, my smile will be replaced by tears, there will always be a reason to smile again.
Oh, and I smile because of you. (:

Thank you for commenting, it truly makes my day.
Wings to Set me Free
Sam Lupin
Lucy's Shadow
Elle Marie
Judith Marie
Little Miss Thin
deseperee de maigrir