a lost dream of what could have been

We dream of becoming the pictures of thinspiration that we spend hours staring at. We dream of becoming gorgeously thin, with tiny perfect arms and legs, with sticking out ribs and collarbones. We dream of having complete self-control, of saying "No thank you" to every food forced upon us, saying "Yes please" to skinny in our minds. We dream of attaining perfection. We desire it, we crave it. But we're not just dreamers....... we give everything for our dreams. We starve, we purge, we run until we're feeling faint and weak and tired. We spend every minute, every hour, every day working towards our dream. Because we need to become our dreams. It's what we're meant to be.

I had low-fat yogurt for lunch today (100 calories). I was planning on having some bread (100 calories) for dinner, but then my parents cooked pasta. Freaking PASTA. no. no. no. NO. I don't even want to think about how many calories were in that ungodly creation. I'm sorry. What would Ana have done? was running through my head the entire time I forced those calories down my throat. I'm a failure. I should have faked a stomach flu. I should have thrown the pasta out the window. I should have went into a coma. I should have done something. 

But there's good news! :) I think I'm about to be 107 pounds!! The needle on the scale is hovering between 107 and 108. Let's hope the pasta doesn't interfere with reaching 107.


This calculator is sooo useful!

http://www.healthstatus.com/calculate/cbc    

Great for calculating how many calories you burn doing activities, such as brushing your teeth, playing tennis, walking, etc.

A Thousand Paper Cranes

 According to a Japanese legend, if you fold a thousand origami cranes, you'll be granted one wish...

What would you wish for? 

Folding a thousand cranes sounds like a ton of work, but if a wish was guaranteed, I most definitely would spend days folding tiny pieces of origami paper. For what? Well I'd wish for a beautiful body, my dream body. I'd wish for That Guy I Love. I'd wish for happiness. For my life to be perfect. But a thousand cranes gives only one wish so I'd have to make an impossible choice of picking one. I guess I'd better get started on the thousand paper cranes. ;)

I like slicing fruit with knives. I love eating all types of sliced fruit, strawberries, cantaloupe, banana, peaches, plums. I'm such a fattie. Right now, my safe food is bananas. Small banana=90 calories. 

I'm sure the majority of you have read Wintergirls, but I've just started reading it online. Amazingly well-written so far. 

Reasons Not to Eat:

- summer is about 70 days away! You know what that means. Bikini time and short shorts. 

- eat today, regret tomorrow.

- do you really need that?

- your guy will be able to pick you up for a kiss, carry you on his back, and you'll feel weightless, not like you're hurting him.

- you need to look good in a tank top.

- you'll finally be the "thin one" in your group of friends

- calories are bad.

- you'll finally be a size zero! 

- or maybe even size 00!

- you can be thinspiration.

THIS is what we strive for! 

Perfection.

Replying to Comments From Last Post:

BeautifulThinner16- Yup, skinny is definitely our ideal! Good luck on the ABC diet! (:

GraceyJ- Thanks for the comment! (: I love your blog!

Everyone- Thank you so much for following my blog! :) It truly motivates and inspires me! Stay strong! (:

Swinging Back and Forth & Thinspo Pics

Temptation:

I stood there in the pantry, stomach empty, looking over all the stacks and shelves of food, all infested with hundreds of calories. I picked up a peanut butter granola bar and was about to rip it open...but I resisted. (: I didn't really need it and I'm happy that my mind kicked in before I did major damage. One taste leads to another and another, and before you know it, you've eaten like you're at a food eating contest.

(these are not the thinspo pics, scroll lower to view them)

Do you remember swinging on a swing set, when you were a child? Swinging back and forth, back and forth. Waiting for your parents to push you higher and higher. Well I admit, I still love swings. They make me feel young and carefree, that all is right in the world, and that I can still rely on my parents for a little push to keep me swinging.

When I'm on a swing, when I've gone so high into the air, I feel as if I could just leap off, and fly away into the air, like an angel going back to the clouds. I jump and I can feel myself flying......but soon I hit the ground hard and remember I have to stay here in this world.

Thinspiration <3

I wish I looked that good on a window seat.

tiny arms and legs

floating away on balloons

stunning

perfect stomach

I want her hair.

I had to eat a steak for dinner, because apparently it was steak night with my family. :( I made sure to cut off the fat, along with a good amount of the meat. I need to do better tomorrow. Still at 108 pounds. That will change soon, I hope. :)

Thank you for following my blog! It makes my day automatically better! Two lovely followers, and hopefully more one day! (: 

Stay strong everyone! We're in this together, right? :)

P.S. I heard that if you fidget during the day, you can burn up to 350 calories extra?! Any type of movement does burn calories, but I had no idea it was 350! Definitely going to fidget lots more! 

Intro

Introductions in general are difficult for me. Like meeting a new person. You look at them and the first thing you see is their appearance. You notice their face, clothes, and body. You know whether they're beautiful or not. And then you wonder if they're nice or funny or weird or smart or interesting. I believe that a person's face is a pretty good indicator of their personality. You can sorta tell what kind of person they are, without even saying a word. Some faces just fit with certain types of personalities. Sweet people usually appear sweet and outgoing people appear outgoing. You can hide a lot, but hiding your personality is almost impossible.

So reading this post is like meeting a new person. A little awkward, but once you know me better I promise to be more interesting and fun. :) I wasn't sure how to put a few things about me into a clear, well-written paragraph so here's several random facts about me:

- I have long dark hair, almost to my belly button.

- I don't listen to "normal" music. I'm in love with a band called Rise Against. Listen to Savior, Good Left Undone, The Strength to Go On, and Endgame!

- Lists help me make sense of the world when it gets too confusing.

- I only live in the summer. 

- Navy blue is my favorite color. I wear it all the time. And gray. 

- I'm addicted to shopping. Favorite stores: AE, A&F, and Hollister.

- I spend too much time thinking. I wish my brain had an off-switch. 

- Very deep water fascinates me. I've dreamed of sinking deeper and deeper without having to breathe and feeling weightless and unreal.

- Swinging on a swing set makes me feel amazing.

- I'm afraid of becoming old. I sometimes wish I'd die at around 30 years old.

- I can't leave the house without makeup. I absolutely have to use eyeliner.

- Compliments make my day. 

- 78 more days until I see the guy I've loved for two years. 

- I admire gymnasts soooo much! They're incredible.

- Smiles are the best thing in the world.

- I have an awful temper. Working on that.

I've always needed to be thin. Last year, I gained several pounds from lack of control and careless eating. I must get my control and body back. I need to look perfect. I've always been insecure. But I can get a perfect body if I fight my hardest for it. 

Height: 5 ft 3 short :(

BMI: 19.5

CW: 110

HW: 114

LW: 100 

GW: 99 

STGW: 106

I will get there.