Monday, May 30, 2011

"I don't belong here, we gotta move on dear"

I think I preferred a numb existence, the rawness of being alive is painful, overwhelming. My mind is a thesaurus of awful feelings.

The lights are off, I don't like seeing the salty mascara tears.

Isn't it ironic, being at my lowest weight, while being at the lowest point of my life.

Trying to be strong has broken me down. I'm a Bad Person, I don't deserve happiness, food, friends, love. I deserved what It did to me, I deserve my mother's hatred, I deserve to starve away this terrible person that I am.

I realized, I don't belong here in this life.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

"the colors drained to black and gray"

I wondered where all the color had gone, this world was painted in black and gray. The girl stood against the blank white cement wall, outlined by the crude black marker drawing of a large person, contrasting with her skeletonthin body. Her head was bent, she stared at the marker beside her bare feet. The girl's long hair hung over her face, I had a sudden urge to know who it was. A man dressed in a white lab coat, carrying a clipboard, approached her slowly, conveying either impatience or caring. He picked up the marker and began to trace her body. The girl looked up, her face turning to him, I saw her angry scared face, my face.
My first dream since longer than I can remember, first dream in black and white (does anyone else dream in black and white?). I used to dream almost every night, but this disorder has taken away my former escape from reality, from life, and replaced it with a constant nightmare.

It made me think about perception. I wonder if the reflection in the mirror is false, if my eyes are flawed. I used to believe that 100 pounds was thin, now that I'm there, 90 is what I should strive for. I used to think I'd never get an eating disorder, used to not know the mind of an anorexic. But now, I can't get these thoughts out of my head.

"Society" perceives our minds, our ideals as unhealthy wrong sick, and it makes me wonder if I'm insane, if what I'm doing is madness.

Comment Replies: Thank you all so much for your comments! They always bring a smile to my face.
kes- Thank you so much for your support! (:
Wings to Set me Free- Thank you! (:
Bones- Thank you! I'm much happier now with every aspect of my life. (:
Dani- Congrats on being in the 80's, I know you'll get there again! You're an incredible inspiration, the 80's is an amazing accomplishment.
Thin or Not- Thank you! My normal intake varies, from 500-800 calories, and I play tennis for 2 hours and go on walks. But the day before I dropped 2 pounds, I had a terrible day of about 1800 calories, I have no idea how I got down to 100.
ullalexie- Thank you very much for your support, it means a lot! :)
Gianni- I'm glad you've decided to start a blog, I'll check it out! (: I have no idea what I'd do without this blog, I'd be completely lost. Thank you for commenting!
AJ- I wish I could preserve these feelings in a bottle and keep them forever. :) Thanks for commenting!
Thin Thrills- Thank you very much for the fat free love! :)
ElBar7a- Thank you so much! I'd go crazy if I couldn't get to a scale, good luck, I'm sure the scale will reflect your hard work!
~christy~- Thank you so much, you made me smile!
Cinnamon Brown- That is quite awesome, how two cities so far away and in separate countries can be related! I never knew that there were ski resorts there! I hope you see snow this winter, it's very beautiful, though the experience of making snowmen is overrated (icecold freezing hands and the difficulty of stacking giant blobs on top of each other). The mosquitoes and the intense heat are the only things I dislike about summer. I hope you have a lovely day!
Ana's Addict- Thank you so much for your kind words! You always remind me that I'm not alone. I hope you have a lovely day! :)
Marie- Thank you so much for commenting! I'm glad you've started a blog also, I'll definitely be reading!

Friday, May 27, 2011


Competition weigh-in is today, two more weeks until the competition ends! Good job to everyone for putting in their best efforts towards their goals!
Finally, I'm at 100 pounds, down 2 pounds since Saturday. I dreaded the scale, since I had a high-calorie day yesterday, but I ended up seeing my lowest weight ever. I decided my goal weight of 95 was too high, I'm aiming for 90 now. 

It was a beautiful rainy day filled with thunder and lightning, I am much better than I have been in a while. Life rushes ahead of me, changing constantly and dragging me along with it, but I felt in control today. Feeling loved by my friends, anticipating seeing J for the first time in two years, and the lack of any general issues make me truly happy. The major pieces are starting to fall into place, and once they do, I will glue, tape, nail them permanently, so my life stays put together, not torn apart.

I hope everyone has had a lovely day!

Comment Replies:
Just Jessica- That's so sweet of you to say! Thank you! :)
Kate- Thank you so much for your kind words. You're right, I shouldn't aim for perfection in art, wanting to capture the world perfectly ruined my passion. I think I'll start drawing again. Thank you for commenting!
Thin or Not- Thank you so much! I practiced drawing that flower for hours, so I didn't get it right on the first attempt. I hope you have a lovely day!
when_in_rome- I'm happy to hear that you are an artist and you enjoy it. I'd love to see your work sometime! I think I might sketch some flowers soon, I miss my old passion. Thank you for commenting!
Olivia Lee- I'm positive you will find your passion for singing, tennis, and yoga again. You seem to have many passions, you're such an interesting person. I hope you have a lovely day! :)
Almost Alex- Thank you, that made my day! :)
~christy~ - You are so sweet, thank you incredibly for the kind words. I'm sure that you will find the inspiration to play the piano and draw again. I still play the piano, but not as frequently. Maybe you'll find the time this summer. :)
MiniandMerry- Thank you so much, you made my day much, much better! I hope to draw again, soon. :)
unbeautiful- Congrats on reaching the BMI of 17.5! You really inspire me. I hope to reach that BMI one day.
Dani- Thank you so much for your kind words! :) I'm sure you draw great!
lulu- Thank you, you're so sweet! I think everyone has artistic-ness inside of them, and I'm positive you could be an amazing artist.
diluer_est_beau- Thank you, that definitely made me smile! :)
Cinnamon Brown- I can't find my paints, but I think I'll start sketching again. :) I am now inspired to get some green tea and chug it like crazy! My mom told me once that she could perform accupunture, I wonder if at-home treatments are safe. Thank you so much for commenting!
Bones- Thank you so much for the encouragement! I hope to start again soon. :)

Thursday, May 26, 2011

forgotten passions

While talking to a friend, I realized that I used to have passions, things I loved doing, but they were forgotten and abandoned when this eating disorder became the center of my life. 

Creating the world around me, with paintbrushes and pencils, was my passion. I loved being alive, so I captured life on a piece of paper. 

I became frustrated with drawing, the beauty of the world was impossible to be sketched perfectly. My art felt like a flower that had withered, still a flower, yet not alive. I hid away all my canvases, pencils, paints, and ran away from what I couldn't do. 

I painted this white flower, when I was 7 years old. I tried my best, but I wish I had done better. 
(the blue thing is a sticky note, I covered my name)

Comment Replies: 
Alex- Thank you for your insight, it's great to hear perspective from someone who actually was diagnosed. You're right, I do want to validate what I'm doing, but maybe I should find some other way. Thank you for commenting, I'm doing better now! :) 
beautiful- I got rid of the 'un' in front of your name, because you ARE beautiful and I hope you see that one day, even though it isn't my place to tell you. I also strive for a BMI of 17.5, since I heard that it's the BMI that medically diagnoses you as anorexic. I'm not sure if we'll ever be satisfied. Thanks for commenting!
Ana's Addict- You have lost an incredible amount, I'm so proud of you! You truly inspire me, I'm sure that the results are beautiful, I hope that you can see it one day. Thank you for commenting! :)
Thin or Not- Thank you for your support, you made my day better! :)
Nikki- Thank you so much for commenting! :) I totally agree with what you said "the thinner I get, the fatter I feel".
A Girl with Tiny Intentions- Good job on the loss of over 20 lbs, that's amazing! Did you ever take "before and after" pictures? Maybe then you could see the difference if it was in picture form. Thank you for commenting!
~christy~- Congrats on the weight loss! It's good to know that I'm not alone in feeling the satisfaction quickly disappear. I'm not sure if we will ever be satisfied, but maybe one day in the far distant future, we'll feel differently. Thanks for commenting!
Miyuki Hara- I'm really sorry that you had to go through all of the side effects. Thank you for your perspective, the negative side is rarely mentioned. Are you in recovery now? I hope you stay safe and not have to experience all of that again. Thanks for commenting!
TheJDawg01- I could safely aim for 89, so I still have a very long way to go. I'm not sure if I'll ever be finished, I won't stop until I feel like it's enough. Thank you for commenting!
Chalks- It makes me wonder if our eyes are lying to us, when we can't see any progress in the mirror. Congrats on the weight loss, you're doing great! Thank you for commenting!
Displayed- I truly appreciate your insight, I did not know that being diagnosed as anorexic would show up forever on my medical transcripts, I thought that information was private, that colleges couldn't see it. "don't let them chain you to a word", thank you, this really made me think. I will do my best to hide this from people. Thank you for commenting!
Cinnamon Brown- Albert Einstein said some pretty amazing things, I wish I had known him in real life. "you do display all the classic symptoms of an eating disorder", thank you I really needed to hear that! I guess I wanted to be told that I do have an eating disorder, to make sure that this chaos isn't an imaginary part of my thoughts and that I'm still partially sane. Accupuncture? That sound really interesting! I've always wanted to try accupuncture, I'd feel like a porcupine, but the experience seems beneficial. I'm really proud of you for quitting smoking, that shows incredible willpower. I didn't know that green tea tablets screw with metabolism, thank you for telling me. "WE hold the keys to the locks that bind us and only WE can deem ourselves worthy" beautifully written and incredibly true. I hope you have a lovely day!
Hilly.M- I agree, the labels are very important to me, they help define me and my identity, make me feel like I'm truly alive. Thank you for commenting! :)
Thinqueen1- I'm curious about how psychiatrists diagnose people, do they ask you a lot of questions and figure out if you fit the criteria? Thank you for commenting!
Anonymous (Ashley)-Thank you so much for your kind words, you really did make my day! :) It's good to hear that we think so alike. I hope that you have a lovely day, and that you start a blog soon, I'd love to read your writings.
Bones- I'm also afraid that what I strive for won't be enough, that there's no end in sight. Thank you for commenting, I hope you have a lovely day! :)
Dani- I agree with you, on some level, I'd love to be officially diagnosed as anorexic, because it would make my problem seem real, truly exist, and not just in my thoughts. Thank you for commenting!
MiniandMerry- Thank you incredibly for the support! I'm happy that you learned to love yourself, you deserve to, because you are a beautiful person. You made me feel much better, I'll do my best to take the negative and turn it into something positive. :) Thanks for your comment!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

"it's not enough, it never is"

202 followers? I never imagined that anyone would choose to read these thoughts and writings, it truly amazes me. Thank you to everyone for all of your support! I hope each and every one of you have a lovely day! 
102 pounds is equal to 110 pounds. Mathematically incorrect, but my thoughts are devoid of logic, my eyes can't register the progress. The brief moment of satisfaction after reaching a new goal is replaced by feelings of failure. I feel even worse, even more terrible now at 102 pounds than at my highest weight. I've fallen deeper in this hole while striving for what I believe in. 

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." reach goal/not enough/starve/restrict/reach goal/not enough. Repeat all the steps over and over, insanely expecting a different result, expecting it'll be enough for me. 

Beginnings of doubt are creeping into my head, am I really "sick"? Mental health is just as important and necessary as physical health, yet I feel I don't "deserve" to be classified as eating disordered until I'm emaciated and skeletal. Currently, my health is aggravatingly fine, though I can't recall the last time I had my period. 

On some terrible level, I want to be medically labeled as "anorexic". Maybe then, finally, it'll be enough. 

Comment Replies: Thank you all very much for commenting! I love reading comments, so feel free to share your insight.
Thin or Not- I used to peel corn dogs also. I wish I had your habits, you're definitely decreasing the calories by peeling everything. Thank you for commenting!
Ally- That's a really productive habit, you're able to control your cravings and you're going to be truly accomplished at drawing ice cream and other food. Thanks for the comment!
JT- I love making food look pretty also, I hate eating pretty things, so I usually end up not eating it. This is the first time I've heard of your habit, it's unique in a good way. Thanks for commenting!
Ana's Addict- Congrats on not eating junk food anymore! I've only had diet soda once, I've always been more of a water person. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who cuts food up into tinytiny pieces, I think many people with ED also do it, judging by these comments. I wish I had your compulsive exercising habits, you have such determination and control. I hope you have a lovely day! :)
Charl.- You have incredibly control, I don't think I could ever just eat the skin of an apple and throw the rest away. The cupcake thing was really interesting to hear about. I'm sorry that your food issues started when you were so young. Thank you for commenting, stay beautiful!  
~christy~- It's cool to hear how we have similar eating habits. I wish I ate slowly like you do, good job on that biscuit. :) I hope you have a lovely day!
Alex- I think that's quite cool actually, not strange. Now I'm curious as to what water smells like, the next time I have a drink, I'll make sure to sniff it. Thank you for commenting! :)
thinlypure- I wish I were able to eat slowly like you do, 8 crackers in 45 minutes shows a lot of control. What color plates do you have? One of my habits is similar to yours, for certain types of food, I have to eat odd numbers of it, others I can only eat even numbers of. Thanks for commenting!
Kate- I'm glad I'm not the only one who takes tiny bites of things. I am also embarrassed of taking huge bites, taking tiny bites is better looking than having a mouth bulging full of food. Thanks for commenting!
Almost Alex- I haven't figured out the calories for a fry, maybe 5 small fries would be under 100, though that would be inconvenient because I'm sure a fry order would come with a lot more than 5. Thanks for commenting!
jackie-Thank you, I'll try to keep my habits in control, I think they would be very difficult to stop. "It's a game and an object and an obsession." You have such a way with words, I think I'll quote you one day. :) Thank you for commenting! 
GraceyJ- Eating disorders have definitely affected our habits. Ours are similar, I cut things tiny, though I don't chew a lot. Thanks for commenting!
SingSinatra- I'm glad to hear that you are recovering from your old habits, and that you are able to eat healthy without feeling guilty. I wish you luck in your ED recovery!
Cinnamon Brown- I am very proud of you for breaking that habit!! It must have been a struggle, your strength is inspiring. "it takes way more than one 1500 calorie meal to gain", that was incredibly reassuring today, since I screwed up majorly. I've never completely understood the concept of metabolism and how some people have a fast metabolism and some people have a slow one, I'll have to read more about it. I'll check out the page, I love the title Dinner Menu! Thanks for commenting! 
displayed- Your determination to stick to set rules is quite amazing. I used to hate when silverware touched my teeth, though I was okay with it touching my lips. I'm sorry that your boy has started doing that, maybe you could talk to him about it or make it into a game somehow (depending on how old your child is), I don't have any parenting skills or knowledge though, I'm sorry. I hope you have a lovely day! 
Mia- I wish I had your eating habit, I always feel guilty about not finishing food. Brushing your teeth after a meal is a great healthy habit! I bet my dentist wishes I did that. Thank you for commenting!
Dani- Do you eat each ingredient separately? When I eat a sandwich, I feel like there has to be equal parts of tomato, bread, ham in each bite. It's cool to hear how we share some eating habits, like breaking apart bagels and bread. I wish I could leave one bite of everything on my plate without feeling guilt, finishing all the food on a plate is ingrained into me from childhood sadly. Thanks for commenting!
Incense- I also am afraid of eating anything that doesn't have calorie information on it. You sound like you have great control, especially since you can sit in front of a plate of food and not touch it, I try to avoid food because I don't trust my control. Thanks for commenting!
when_in_rome- I hate when food doesn't have the calorie information on it. I think that's quite an interesting habit actually, you have great control. I read a scientific study where the results showed that smaller utensils lead to a feeling of satisfaction earlier, is that why you use small utensils? Thanks for commenting!
lulu- I also prefer when toast is cut vertically (so that the bread becomes 2 triangles), though I don't have different rules for different types of spreads on toast. I think your habit of eating skittles is cool, it sounds very organized. I used to love the marshmallows in Lucky Charms, I miss them. Thank you for commenting!
Nichole S.-You have inspired me to want a food scale! Good job on figuring out the calories in each gram, that must have taken a lot of work. I also dislike trying to estimate how many calories are in an apple since the size varies a lot. Thank you for your comment!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

"the chains of habit...

 are generally too small to be felt until they are too strong to be broken."

I deal with food in the same manner I handle life. Broken carefully into tiny pieces, easy to manage,  easy to analyze, taking as long as I wish. Bananas are sliced into thin, pale circles, granola bars are torn into tiny clumps, bread is turned to crumbs, cheerios are eaten one circular piece at a time. 

Finding the highest number of bites I can get out of a sandwich is a game. Devoting thirty minutes to eating a small green apple makes me wonder if I'm eating too fast. I have an insane urge to get a ruler and measure the dimensions of grilled chicken, draw lines on it and cut it into identical little cubes. 

There are no reasons or conscious thoughts behind my eating habits, they just happen.

Do you have particular eating habits?

Comment Replies: I truly appreciate everyone's insight. Thank you for taking the time to comment! 
TheJDawg01- Ha, I have terrible luck, so don't worry, I'll stay realistic. :) Thanks for commenting!
Thin or Not- Thank you so much! :) My motivation to go on comes from all of you guys. You made my day! It amazes me that you read through everything, thank you a million for your kind words. :) I'm glad you can relate to this, it's good to know that I'm not alone in my thoughts. I'm about to go and read your entire blog! Thank you so much for commenting!
~christy~- Yup, I was shocked because I thought I was sure to gain after eating that much. I think it's really cool how we have the same scale. Do you also want a digital one? Thanks for your comment!
ullalexie- Thank you for commenting! :) I'm excited, 7 more pounds until I'm 95 lbs.
ToxicwastEDgal- Thank you, I was really surprised when I lost 2 lbs after eating so much the previous day. Thank you for your kind words, your support truly means a lot to me. I hope you have a lovely day, you deserve it!
Haley- Sort of in a good way, I'll find out in three weeks. :) Thank you for commenting, I hope you have a lovely day!
Cinnamon Brown- I agree, calorie shifting is great, sort of like that saying "variety is the spice of life". I was really shocked though, I thought I would gain after eating that much. That's sweet, I'm glad they remind you of someone special also. I'm glad nothing high calorie such as cake or ice cream reminds me of J, otherwise I'd be eating those all day. Thank you for your comment! :)
annamaria- Thanks for your support! I can't seem to get enough of strawberries lately, I'm glad you like them too. :)
Dani- Thank you, I hope everything works out with J also!
Alex- Thank you! :) I'm very glad to see that you're back!
Ana's Addict- Thank you so much for your support! :) You truly brighten my day. I hope you have a lovely day also!

Saturday, May 21, 2011


A digital scale is badly needed.

It should be impossible after eating 1,200 calories yesterday, but somehow I am down 2 pounds today. Stayed on the scale for at least twenty minutes, making sure I really was 102 pounds. 

I wonder what J would think if he realizes I'm not the same person I was 2 years ago, I'm a strange new girl that's stolen her body and taken over her mind. If he sees inside me and reads my thoughts, he'll run from the chaos.

Went through several cycles of washing, slicing, and eating strawberries today. Because they remind me of J, because everything reminds me of him. In three weeks, I'll see his face for the first time in 2 years. Two years of waiting, wondering, missing, asking myself questions without answers. 

I've built a fragile card house out of love, hopes, wants. If he destroys it, I'll be crushed underneath. 

I'm not ready to hear the answers, as much as I crave them.

Comment Replies:
Thin or Not- I'm glad you like your name. I've always wanted a popular name like yours, I dislike having an uncommon one. Thanks for commenting! :)
Skinny_legs- I'm happy you've grown into your name and like it now. Maybe I'll do the same. I watched the movie I was named after, it's quite old, it's not my favorite, but it's not bad. Thanks for your comment!
unbeautiful- I wish I could also go by my middle name, except I also dislike my middle name. I'd love to have a more girly name, we could trade! :) Thanks for commenting!
TheJDawg01- It is quite a cool nickname. I've never actually met anyone named that before. Thanks for commenting!
Elbar7a- I like your abbreviation of your name, I might also do that with my name. And it shortens the amount you have to write! Thank you for your advice, I think I will try yoga and more variation in my intake. Congrats, you're almost there, good luck in the competition! :)
~christy~ - Those are pretty names, I especially like Daisy. Speaking of Daisy, have you tried the Marc Jacobs Daisy perfume? Thanks for your comment!
Thin Thrills- I'm not sure how to pronounce it, but it looks elegant! I agree, plateaus are awful, they make me wonder why my body insists on attempting to stay at a certain weight. Good luck on breaking yours and thank you for commenting!
when_in_rome- I hope you love your name again, maybe you could go by your middle name instead. I wonder if the supposedly "common" names are actually not that common, I've barely met any 'Bob's, or 'Jane's or 'John's. If I could change my name, I would choose a name that's fairly common. Thanks for commenting!
Dani - I'm glad that your name suits you! Thankfully, people are starting to call me by a nickname, or more like an abbreviation of my real name. Thanks for commenting! :)
Ana's Addict- I absolutely love the way you write! I agree, I've also wished I could change my name, but realized it would confuse the people in my life. I wonder why the process of legally changing a name is so difficult. That's a beautiful name, I especially love 'Grace'. Thanks for commenting, I hope you have a lovely day!
jackie- I love how your name could have a multitude of nicknames. You were right about waiting out the plateau, I'm really glad I didn't give up and binge. Thank you for your support!

Friday, May 20, 2011

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose."

Competition: Don't forget to weigh in, since it's Friday! I hope everyone is doing great! Good luck to you all! 
104 pounds of failure. It's upsetting, so I'll go off-topic today.

Would you change your name if you could? How did your parents choose your name?

Whenever I see my name, it seems to belong to someone else, not myself. A name is a word, defined by the person. Mine has never been right for me. Especially since lately, I have been reminded of what happened every time I write the name I was given, because IT's name is directly spelled out in my name (ha isn't that just ironic?), a constant reminder of things I would like to forget. It's time for a nickname or a name change..

I was named after my parents saw the movie Gone with the Wind, I wish they had seen another movie.

Comment Replies:
JT- Congrats on your progress and your intake! You make me want to try doing yoga again. I'm sure you'll meet your goals by the end date. :) Thanks for commenting!
Thin or Not- I'm sorry to hear about the binge, but you can always have a fresh start, make the best of everyday! Good luck, I know you can do it! :) 
Wings to Set me Free- Thanks, I'm really glad I am also. I hope you have a lovely day, you deserve it!
ElBar7a- Good job on your 53 hour fast, you really motivate me! Keep it up! :)
Kitty- Congrats on your progress! I'm sure it's just water weight. Good luck, I hope you have a wonderful day. 
| | ANONYMOUS | |- Congrats on your progress, you're doing great! I'm positive you will get into the 120s soon. Good luck, stay beautiful!
TheJDawg01- I can't wait to get out for summer, only three more weeks of this torture! I started counting down on the very first day. 
~christy~- Good job on your progress and your fast! You're doing absolutely amazing. Good luck and have a lovely day! :)
kes- My jaw dropped when I saw $9,000, that's a really high amount for me. I agree, ten days of treatment would probably not be enough to change a person for the long-run. Outpatient would be the best option for me if I ever in the distant future considered recovering, staying in the real world would make me feel safer and less controlled and watched than staying in a hospital or treatment facility. Thanks for commenting! :)
Ana's Addict- You're right, we were meant to truly live our lives, not just exist. Congrats on your progress, you're putting your best effort in, I'm sure you'll see amazing results! I've never actually watched an ED documentary, I'm interested in them though. I am absolutely sure that you will be someone else's thinspiration one day, in fact you already inspire and motivate me more than you could ever know! Thank you for your kind words, I hope you have a lovely day! :)
SkinnyLove- I'm so sorry that you had a tough weekend. It's great that you're going to make this week the best that you can, you have a really nice positive attitude! Good luck, stay beautiful! :)
Perfection and Ana- I loved your comment, it's truly nice to hear that you feel amazing. We all need something to live for and strive for. Thanks for clarifying the name change, I'd be worried if I thought you'd disappeared mysteriously! Good job on doing workouts, I hope you have a lovely day! :)
Dani- I'm really interested in information about recovery, even though I do not currently wish to recover, thank you for your insight. I hope you won't be offended by any of my questions about recovery. Congrats on your progress! I'm sorry to hear you have chest pains, I really hope they go away soon. Thanks for commenting, good luck! :)
Kitty-Congrats on losing two pounds! :) You're doing great, keep it up!
vegangirly-You made my day, thank you for your kind words! :) I assume you're a vegan based on your name, I've always admired vegans' lifestyles and their control. I hope you have a beautiful day!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Competition Progress?

How is everyone doing in the competition? I'd love to hear your progress! I hope everyone is doing well and staying motivated! We're still about 22 days away from the end of the competition, June 10th!

It's a beautiful day today, it really is. 

I'm truly alive, for what feels like the first time. I've been existing, not living, for as long as I can remember. Mere existence is sad, lonely, being a rock living next to a rose. I've pulled myself out of the depths of the past, away from the memories that once felt more real than the present. I'm finally here where I belong. I don't know how long I'll stay here, but I'm very excited about my life, my friends, my future, I'm excited to finally live. 

Comment Replies:
Ana's Addict-I agree, I'm not completely broken either. I hope I never get forced into recovery, I want it to be my own choice if one day I ever decide I'd like to "recover", (I can't imagine myself wanting that). Thanks for commenting! :)
kes- I have no idea how much recovery costs, how much is it? You're right, a facility is a controlled environment, and any progress might fade away once a person is back in the "real world", with all the other pressures of life. I hope that your depression has gone away, if you need anything, I'm here to listen. I'm not ready to change yet either, maybe one day we will, but I think that day is a very long time away, for me at least. I hope you have a lovely day!
Dani- I'm really sorry to hear about your relapses, I hope that you find your way towards either recovery or continue down this path, whichever you are working towards. I don't think I would be able to leave this part of me behind ever. Recovery sounds like a struggle, I honestly can't imagine what it's like. Thank you for your insight!
GraceyJ- Yup, I agree, mental issues are just as important as physical issues. I'm glad you're okay. :) I hope you have a great day, you deserve it!
Wings to Set me Free- I wish you luck in recovery when you decide to recover, I'm positive you have the strength to go through with it. Sometimes I wonder if many of us will, one day in the distant future, choose recovery. Thank you for commenting!
Cinnamon Brown- "The need for recovery should be based on the state of the mind more than the body", you're completely right, thank you for reminding me of this! I also love what you said about depression being a natural response to a chaotic world. Sometimes I wonder if anyone can see that this world we live in is just so wrong, but the people around me never openly question the insanity of it. I admire your control over your life, you seem very determined! Thank you for your insight, you always have interesting things to say! :)
Lucy's Shadow- Sometimes I feel as if "recovery" will kill a huge part of me and leave me with emptiness, I loved what you said about recovery being the death of the brain. Good luck, stay beautiful!
Thin Thrills- I wonder if sometimes I actually have a relatively healthy mental state, and the people around me are a little insane. Thank you for commenting! :)
when_in_rome- Your comment made my entire day, thank you thank you thank you! You're so sweet, I'm really happy to hear you've read every post. I checked out your blog, I really enjoyed reading it and I will definitely keep up with it. :) Love your username by the way! I agree, it makes me so sad when bloggers stop blogging without a warning, I always wonder where they have gone. I hope to keep writing for a very long time, forever until an obstacle gets in the way, such as forced recovery. Thank you so much for your kind words, I hope you have a lovely day!
Just Jessica- I can relate to what you said about refusing to talk to a stranger who has never gone through or experienced an eating disorder, how can they help us "recover" if they don't know what we've been through? I know you have the strength to reach your goals and keep it all under control. Good luck, stay beautiful!
Thin or Not- I can't imagine how awful I would feel if I had someone forcing me to eat, the word "recovery" saddens me (though I fully support people who choose recovery). Thank you for commenting!
alice ana- Thank you so much, you're so kind! :) I admire you extremely for being in the double digits, your control is truly inspiring. I feel the same way about recovery, I refuse to lose my identity just because it interferes with someone else's perception of "healthy". Thank you for commenting!
~christy~ - "you also can't fix what's broken beyond repair", I love what you said, it is so true. I think to truly recover, someone has to want it, and want to leave their disorder behind, and even then, I've heard it is very difficult. "Eating disorder help to distract me from the problems I couldn't solve," I might quote you one day! I'm glad you have a goal now, we all need something to believe in and strive for. Good luck, I'm positive that you will accomplish your goal!
unbeautiful- You're right, mentality issues are as urgent as physical issues, and possibly more important, because the physical issues are a result of the mentality of an eating disorder. I hope everything is okay and that you either recover or a different goal, whichever you currently want.
thin and bones- I also wish people would care, but I would do anything possible to hide my disorder. I care about you, this community cares about you, we'll always be here for you. I am also afraid of being watched and observed, recovery sounds terrifying to me. I wish you luck in reaching your goals! Thank you for commenting, and thank you for complimenting my writing, you're so sweet. :)
time to pretend- I've never actually seen anybody who has gone through recovery. It's nice to hear that they are now stronger and happier, maybe one day in the far future, I will envy that freedom and choose to leave this life behind. I wish you luck in whichever goal you choose to strive for, you have incredible strength to accomplish whatever you want!
anaxoforever416- Thank you for reminding me that this lifestyle does make me relatively happy or content, I shouldn't dwell on the negative. I'm glad that you are happy, I hope you have a lovely day! :)
jackie- I'm incredibly glad that you are back, I've missed you a lot, even though it has been like a day or two days! I hope that everything is okay, and that you either recover or continue your lifestyle, whichever you currently want. :)
Moonlight Mistress- It's nice to know that you feel the same way,  it's scary to feel alone in my thoughts. Thanks for commenting! :)

Monday, May 16, 2011

Don't fix what isn't broken.

If you are in recovery, please do not read!
Blog name change, by the way.
I have occasionally thought of recovery, but never desired it. I currently have no wish to be fixed, even though I may one day need it, want it. But as of now, I'm perfectly healthy, 104 pounds is farfarfar from deathly thin, I highly doubt the recovery center would even let me in, I don't belong in recovery, I'm not in the double digits yet.

In all honesty, "recovery" terrifies me. I want to keep my perception, my thoughts, they're mine, my identity. I'm afraid they will strip away, erase me and rebuild me from a normal-sized mold and fill me with artificial happiness and sweetners, stuff in fake clean, safe thoughts, and cut and shape me to their perception of "healthy".

I want to keep, I hate this disorder. It makes my life stable, it destroys it. I crave the control, yet I'm falling apart. Help me, go away. One day, I'll make up my mind.

I fully support you if you choose to recover and leave your eating disorder behind and congratulate you on making a healthy choice.

Would you consider recovery or not?

Comment Replies: Thank you all for commenting! I hope everyone is doing well in the competition! :) Stay strong, it'll be worth it!

amber-angelxo- Thank you, you're so sweet. :) I combat those hopeless depressing moods by lying in bed, watching a movie, exercising, hanging with a friend, and waiting for something good to happen. Not a very good game plan, but it usually keeps me sane. I hope you have a lovely day!
JT- Awh thank you so much, you're too kind. :) Have an amazing day!
Olivia Lee- I'm incredibly glad you've gotten better. That's a truly inspiring story. It reminds me also that I haven't seen the full moon in a while, ever since last summer, I will make sure to really look at it the next time I'm outside at night. It saddens me when I can't see the stars some nights. You're absolutely right, you do deserve life and always will! :)
thin_thighs- I'm really happy that things with your boyfriend have improved. You're right, this week is a fresh start! Weigh-ins for the competition are on Friday, but feel free to update on your progress whenever you'd like. :) Thank you very much for the comment and kind words!
Aly- I'm so glad that you never followed through, I'm happy you're here today. :) I hope that everything has gotten better since then, if you need someone to listen, this community will always be here for you. Thanks for commenting!
Dani- It makes me very glad that you had the strength to get through the rough times. I agree, there's always something that gives us the will to live. Thank you for commenting!
thinlypure- I'm really sorry to hear about your overdose. I'm happy to hear that you've gotten through it and are alive and well. :) Thanks for commenting! Stay strong!
GraceyJ- I really hope you're okay! We're all here if you need anything.
~christy~  I'm so glad that the attempt didn't succeed, I'm happy that you got through it and I'm glad that you're here today. :) You're right, things will get better and you do have a reason for living. I admire your strength to go on. If you need someone to listen, I'll be here for you. Stay beautiful!
TheJDawg01- I'm really sorry to hear about that. That's really sweet of you to say, thank you. I hope you have a nice day! :)
Just Jessica- Thank you, you're too sweet. :) Have a lovely day, you deserve it!
unbeautiful- I'm sorry that you suffer from suicidal thoughts, I hope everything gets better soon for you. Please stay safe, we're all here for you if you need anything. We care so much about you, always remember that!
Bones- I'm happy to hear that it helped a little. I hope that you stay safe and that you have a beautiful day! :)
Neeska- I honestly teared up at your comment, you made my day, you're so incredibly sweet. I would also lose a piece of myself if you ever disappeared, so please don't ever disappear. :) I'm sorry to hear that you've had thoughts about death, but I'm glad that you're better now. :) I agree, life is definitely worth living, especially for the beautiful people who light up others' hearts with kindness and love, people like you, people like the lovely members of this community. I hope you have an amazing day!
Caro- Thank you so much, your comment was really sweet. I'm incredibly glad that you have had the strength to get through the rough times, I'm honestly happy that things have gotten better for you. If you ever need anything, I'm an email away. You're an incredible, beautiful person, and I hope you always remember that.
Mia- Thank you so much, I agree, everyone deserves to be loved and cared for. Stay beautiful!
ElliePerfection- You're really sweet, thank you so much for your kind words. I hope you have an amazing day, you deserve it! :)
Ana's Addict- I'm glad that you've gotten through your suicidal thoughts. Thank you for promising, the world needs amazing people like you. Thank you for your sweet words, stay strong, stay beautiful! :)
jellyworms- One day, I hope to save someone's life, because then my life will have had a purpose. I'm truly sorry to hear about that, it must have been very difficult for you. I hope you're okay, stay strong and stay beautiful.
Britni Marie- I'm really sorry to hear about your experience, I'm very glad you got through it. I'm glad you don't feel that way anymore. Thank you, it's sweet knowing I can talk to you if I need it. :)

Saturday, May 14, 2011

suicide, let's make a promise

I used to crave death, think about suicide all day and it would haunt me in my dreams. Like many others, I would wonder for hours on which method to take, I couldn't choose, hanging gun poison drowning pills knives. I'm glad I never chose.

A friend of one of my very good friends recently committed suicide, she died in the hospital. I never knew her, never met her, never will get the chance to become her friend. 

It made me wonder how many people are silently struggling to find the will to live each day, not telling anyone. It truly breaks my heart and makes me want to do anything to stop someone from taking their life. 

Because even if you think that nobody will miss you, that nobody will cry, you're wrong. Someone will. I know for a fact, because I will cry for you, miss you, endlessly wonder why you're gone. I cried for that girl, I cried for the guy I once knew, because they would never live or laugh or love again, because their family and friends were distraught, because I cared, because I never knew what they were going through. Many, many people in your life will wish that they had told you how much you mean to them, wonder if you ever knew how much they loved you, wish they had done something. Please don't do that to them.

If you ever think you're worthless, that you don't belong, you're wrong. I'll list a million reasons why you deserve to live. 

So promise me you will never take your own life, promise me you'll never commit suicide. Please. Promise that you'll ask for help, that you'll tell someone. Because things will always get better, taking your life is not the answer.

I hope none of you could relate to this post, because I hope that you are all happy and free of suicidal thoughts. If you ever need anything, someone to listen, I promise I'll always be here for you, even if you don't know me, even if we just met. Email me if you need to talk. 

Friday, May 13, 2011

Friday Weigh-In

Today is Friday, finally, which means it's the first weigh-in day for the contest! Please give an update on your progress. Don't stress if you think you haven't lost much yet, it's only the first few days of the competition! I know you all are doing amazing and giving your best efforts. In the end, it'll absolutely be worth it.

Since all the lovely contestants are posting their weigh-ins, I've weighed in also. 104 pounds. Still. I've had 335 calories total, for breakfast and lunch, I need to push myself to do better. Ate a small green apple (80 cal) for lunch, taking 30 minutes to finish it, I'm not entirely sure how that happened. 

I'm beginning to wonder whether I have an eating disorder or not. I'm quite positive these thoughts are mine, they belong to me, they're part of my identity, how could that be a disorder? It's me that restricts, it's me that chooses to, it's me that does that, even though it can be hell, there are no other voices in my head. Or maybe the ED has tangled itself into my thoughts, blurring the line until it's impossible to tell if it's really me.

Comment Replies:
thin and bones-  I'll change the comment form back to the old method! :) Good luck on the competition, stay beautiful!
Almost Alex-  Thank you for joining the competition! I'm sure you'll do amazing. :)
alice ana- Thank you for joining the contest! I'm glad you're very competitive, I crave winning also. Good luck, I know you'll do great! :)
thin_thighs- I'm glad you're joining the competition! You're a very strong person, I'm sure you have a shot at winning! Good luck, stay strong, stay beautiful!
Thin or Not- The ABC diet is intense, it's a great method! Good luck and thank you for joining the competition! :)

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Ready Set Go!

The competition officially starts now! You can still join, by the deadline May 15th. Many of you said you would like to weigh-in on Friday, so required weigh-ins will be on Friday, you can post them on the May/June Competition page. Best of luck to everyone! 

At the starting line, we have 26 lovely contestants. On your mark, ready, set, GO! 

Contestants/Their Methods: Sorry if I've overlooked your method! Oh, and by the way, is the new pop-up comment form easier than the old one at the bottom of the page?
thin and bones- fasting, exercise restricting
Sara- ABC, 2-4-6, restriction
ullalexie- calorie shifting, working out
diluer_est_beau- not currently specified
~christy~- under 1200 cal, no food after 6pm, exercise
Thinqueen1- not currently specified
Dotty Mcilduff- not currently specified
SkinnyLove- ABC diet, workouts
Dani- restriction and fasts
Brittany- not currently specified
Nele- one meal per day
Alex- exercise and small meals
JT- not currently specified
ellie3D- under 500 cal and workouts
blanche- Skinny girl diet
| | ANONYMOUS | |- not currently specified
ELLE-usive Dream- 100 workout, fasting, under 500 cal
thincrisis- restriction, fasting, exercise
Almost Alex- restriction and exercise
Elle Marie- ABC diet
Angela- ABC diet, exercise
kes- restricting and exercise
ElBar7a- ABC diet, fasting, fruit fasts
Zane- not currently specified
Just Jessica- exercise
SimplyHeather- fasting

Comment Replies: 
Brittany- Information on the ABC diet can be found here. I'll be doing a post on it tomorrow hopefully. Thank you for commenting! :)
| | ANONYMOUS | |- That's a great idea, I hope everyone checks out each others' blogs to gain inspiration and support each other! Thanks for the comment!
Starving Artist- It's okay, thank you for considering it! Your boyfriend sounds so sweet, he's a keeper! All of you girls seem very determined, I think everyone has an equal chance of winning. Thanks for your comment!

Monday, May 9, 2011

Contest Begins Tomorrow!

Still 104 lbs.

The competition officially starts tomorrow, May 10th! We have a lovely group of 20 contestants so far, it's not too late to join though! Join by posting a comment with your stats and method on either this page or on the 'May/June Competition' tab above. One determined winner, in the US, will receive a prize, most likely money! Anyone outside the US is still very welcome to join! 

Do you think that weekly reports on progress be required?

The methods have included the ABC diet, 2-4-6, restriction, exercise, fasts, green tea, calorie shifting.  

Contestants: Thank you so much for joining this competition! I hope we can encourage each other and find motivation to achieve our goals, while having fun with competing. Good luck everyone, let's do this!
thin and bones
Dotty Mcilduff
ELLE-usive Dream
Almost Alex
Elle Marie
If I've forgotten to add you to the list, please let me know in a comment. :)

Comment Replies:
DiscoPanic- Thank you, I also enjoy reading your blog! I love how it has many authors.
AVY- I also love white bikinis. Thanks for commenting!
thin_thighs- I'm heading over right now to check out the picture! It's okay, I'm glad you considered joining though. :) Thanks for your comment!

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Friendly Competition?

Anyone interested in a competition? You get money if you win! :) In order to join, post a comment on this post with your stats, and give updates on your progress on this page. I'd greatly appreciate it if you guys would please spread the word, we need to have enough people for this competition to begin.

Should we do this by the percentage of weight lost from the starting weight? Or just determine the winner by the total amount of weight lost? 

I was inspired by other blogs doing competitions, and thought it would be a good idea. If enough people are interested, the competition will begin on May 10th, this Tuesday, and end June 10th. The prize for the winner will be most likely be money, because I'm not creative enough to make a really nice ED bracelet. Anyone is very welcome to join, but I won't be able to mail out the prize if you live outside the US. 

I'm quite a competitive person, competition greatly motivates me, so I hope that this provides a little inspiration. If you have any ideas about the competition, please let me know in a comment! :)

Comment Replies: Thank you so much for taking the time to comment! I truly appreciate and love your insight.
unbeautiful- Thank you, I hopefully haven't risen above 104 lbs today! (Haven't stepped on a scale today). I really, really wish I could switch camps, but it's impossible now, too late. I'll do my best to stay safe, thank you a million for your concern and help! :)
Nikki- Thank you for commenting! :) I'm still far above my GW, but hopefully I'll get there soon! Good luck on your progress, stay beautiful!
thin_thighs- I love your internal thoughts that you wrote! Congrats on burning a ton of calories at the gym and good job on doing the ab workouts, you'll have a lovely six-pack in no time! :) Don't you just love the sore feeling the next day after an ab workout? I love it, it reminds me to stick with it. I'm glad my comment helped a bit, but it was really YOU with the incredible strength to continue, to exercise, and begin a beautiful fresh start! Don't stress, I adore reading long comments! Thank you so much for commenting, have a lovely day, you deserve it! :)
Almost Alex- Thank you very much for your comment! I'll be heading over to your new blog soon! :) 
Dani- You're very brave, I'm afraid of hitting my head on something sharp, I'm a little paranoid. :) Thank you so much for your comment! 
Emmmmm.- I actually counted the "m"s in your name, I'm still not sure if I have it quite right! Thank you times a million for your concern and sympathy, it made me feel much, much better knowing you're there for me. :) Thank you for commenting!
~christy~- Plateaus are awful, I hope I don't hit another for a while! Thank you very very much for your concern and advice about IT, it truly makes me feel safer knowing that you care. I'll get through it, safely I hope. I'm so sorry that you have gone through the same thing, but I hope that we can one day rise above what happened, and become stronger, and more amazing than before, because what happened doesn't define us. Thank you for your comment, stay beautiful! :)
Just Jessica- I was so excited when I saw your comment with "", thinking you really did find a place where ana buddies get matched up haha. Maybe we can create one! :) Thank you so much for commenting, have a lovely day!
AlwaysStriving- I absolutely hate plateaus, they're just awful, but hopefully I won't hit another for a while. :) Thank you incredibly for your concern about IT, I hope I can get through the program safely. I'm sorry that you have also gone through so much, but it shows that we are strong and determined and can keep our heads up, no matter what life throws at us. Thank you very much for your comment! :) 
Sara- Thank you for your kind words, you made me smile! Living in a real soap opera would be kinda neat, everyone always wears gorgeous clothes and incredibly thin. Thanks for commenting! :) 
Thin Thrills- Hello to you too! :) Plateaus are awful, I'm hopefully not hitting another one anytime soon. Thank you for your comment and the fat free love!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

I must have broken a mirror.

Aren't plateaus just awful? Broke my plateau at last, 104 lbs, not enough, I need to do this faster. 

Breaking a mirror gives you 7 years of bad luck, according to some superstition, but I try not to think about superstitions, because I'm superstitious about thinking about superstitions, strangely. 

My luck is so terrible sometimes, I'm partially convinced that some god out there is watching my life like a soap-opera, throwing in terrible surprises just for the fun of it. 

IT is attending the same summer program camp thing with me (ha what are the chances? 1/15, since there are 15 sites for this program). I thought he was out of my life a very long time ago, that I'd never see him again, pretend to myself that it never happened. I'm afraid, because I know he'll do it again. Just thinking about him makes me feel chills. It's like watching a horror movie, you know something awful is going to happen, can feel it, you yell at the characters grab a weapon, get out of the house, runrunrun, but there is nothing you can do to change it. 

I need to starve away myself, until there's nothing left that he can corrupt and hurt. 

Comment Replies:
Just Jessica- She's a incredibly thinspiration! An ana buddy would definitely be great in moments of weakness, I wonder if there's a specific website that matches people up with a fellow ana buddy. Thanks for commenting! :) 
Almost Alex- Strong and beautiful is the best combination. Thank you for your comment! :)
FeatherWeight- I'm sorry you've had a rough time lately, tomorrow is always a fresh start though! It's never too late to start working for what we crave. I'm glad that the post helped a bit. Don't worry, I'll get your comments out of the spam box. :) Thanks for the comment!
Meg- She seems isolated, even when she's with people. I envy her beyond anything. I love your comment, it's very beautifully written. A fragile body, fragile like thin ice, is what I crave, and you're right, it'll be ironic, because it will show incredibly self-control and strength. I will definitely quote you one day. Thank you so much for commenting! :)
Honor Regzig- People were worried and suspected her of not eating. Those recovery camps and feeding tubes are one of my worst nightmares, people trying to forcibly change a person's body to their perception of "healthy", it's terribly wrong. I agree, it makes me feel wanted if someone is worried. Thank you for commenting! :)
~christy~- She's doing fine, and looking as thin and beautiful as ever. I know you have the self-control to do it, all the struggles and the pain will be worth it in the end, because it's what we need. Thank you for commenting! :) 
S.- Thanks for the comment!
jackie- I love dizziness, it means I've been strong for the day. I hope you do another vlog sometime! Thank you for commenting! :)
Ana's Addict- I envy those girls incredibly. You already inspire me, one day you'll definitely be in thinspiration pictures, helping motivate others to achieve your level of self-control. Thank you for commenting! :)
Dani- Be careful please, I don't want you to fall and hit something hard! Congrats though, on your incredible self-control, keep it up! Thank you for commenting! :)
thin_thighs- I love reading your blog, I'm honored you and others take the time to comment. :) Don't worry, that's not creepy, it's hard not to stare at real life thinspo, I do the same thing, it's great she's motivating. Thank you so much for commenting!
Britni Marie- I'm sure you have the strength to do this, remember, you are in control of the food, the food doesn't control you. :) I repeat that to myself sometimes. Thanks for commenting!
SimplyHeather- I hope you had fun at the parties! Good luck on your fast, you'll do great! :) Thanks for the comment!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

"til we don't have the strength to go on"

A few days ago, a girl from one of my classes passed out in the hallway. She's a real-life thinspiration, tall, incredibly unbelievably skinny, with long dark hair, she's absolutely striking, because of her thinness. I'm almost positive she passed out because she hasn't been eating. Her self-control wildly motivated me.

I want to do this until I'm weak from starving, until I'm cold and freezing because I'm only skin and bones, until I don't have the strength to go on. 

Comment Replies: Check out jackie's vlog, it's really awesome, and she's so gorgeous, it makes me insanely jealous. :) Thank you all for commenting!
JANE DOE- Ana buddies sound like a great support system. I'd love to try it, I'll post my number on this blog once I hit 100 pounds, I need to work on my self-control. :) Thanks for commenting!
Clear Girl- I also really want one, I feel like I don't deserve one yet though. Blogging motivates me so much, because of all the lovely people. Thanks for the comment! :)
kes- I'm afraid to skip lunch because it may led to a binge for me, but skipping breakfast makes me less hungry in the morning. Congrats on your self-control! :)
Ana's Addict- Ana buddies sound great. Thank you for your support, stay beautiful! :)
Lorena- Maybe you could motivate your friends. :) I always secretly figure out the calories in my head for my friends' meals when I'm with them. Thank you so much for commenting, I enjoy reading your blog also! 
Almost Alex- Focusing on things besides food is a great distraction. Thank you for commenting, have a lovely day! :)
jackie- It doesn't sound offensive at all, I feel honored. :) Thank you for your number! I loved your vlog,  it was really good! Thank you so much for your support, it truly helps more than you can imagine.
Lucy Hart- Thank you for reminding me that tomorrow is a fresh start, and thank you for your number! Your support really helps me out. :) 
A Girl with Tiny Intentions- I'm glad an ana buddy was really helpful for you. One day, we should all get paired up with an ana buddy! :) Thanks for the comment!
Cinnamon Brown- You're definitely not a doughnut or a walrus, quite the opposite! :) I'm sorry your experience with ana buddies didn't go as well as expected, but I can tell you're strong enough to do it on your own, and with your amazing blog. Thank you so much for your support! :)
lottie x- It's always nice to have someone understanding to talk to. :) Thank you very much for commenting, have a lovely day, you deserve it!
anonymous- Thank you so much for your comment, I think I did better today, because of everyone's help. Stay strong, stay beautiful! :)
AVY- Thank you very much for your support. :)
Nicole S.- An ana buddy would definitely help for preventing binges. We all need a little support. :) Thanks for commenting!
JT- I love your blog also, welcome to the world of blogging, don't worry, I'm fairly new also. :) I agree, doing it alone can be tough, thankfully this community is amazingly supportive. Thanks for commenting!
-christy-- Thank you so much for commenting and your support! I agree, ana buddies sound very helpful. Have a wonderful day, you deserve it!
Dani- That's sweet, it sounds great to have friends that truly understand what we're dealing with, since they're also living with it. I once texted someone in Canada without realizing it was international. Expensive bill. :( Thank you for commenting! :)
thin_thighs- It's okay to hide your blog from him, it keeps you motivated and gives you a support system. :) Thanks for commenting!
lulu- That sounds awesome, I want an ana buddy one day. Does it help with preventing binges? Thanks for your comment! :)

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Ana Buddy?

Does anyone out there have an ana buddy? Does it help with restriction or fasting and getting/giving support? I'm struggling currently, so I was wondering if a texting buddy would help. 

After sitting in front of a damn honey bun (340 calories) for an hour and thirty minutes, (part of an etiquette event), I ultimately didn't eat it, which may have led to my loss of willpower later. Binged later, I got upset when I reached 650 calories, because I was supposed to stay under 600, and decided to just fuck it, and continue, which obviously made the situation worse.  

The bright side to this situation is that you guys can use me as reverse thinspo. Don't become like me, ever.

Comment Replies: Thank you all so much for your comments! ALL of you are amazing, beautiful people inside AND out, I hope you won't feel the need to self-harm, because none of you deserve to feel pain.
Dani- It makes me sad that you hurt yourself, but that makes me a hypocrite. You're such a strong person, I admire your strength very much. I can relate to pain reminding me that I'm alive. I know we'll both reach our goals, and I wish you luck! :)
Lucy Hart- I desperately need a digital scale, I want to see a completely accurate number. I'm glad you stopped cutting, you're a beautiful person, you don't deserve to feel pain. I hope you have an amazing day! :)
thin_thighs- I'm very glad you aren't a cutter anymore, I'm not either. I'm happy you love your parents, it's great to have supportive family. After my binge today, I doubt I'm 104.5 pounds anymore, but that's completely my fault. I hope you have a lovely day! :)
Almost Alex- You're right, they're battle scars, I think they show strength and bravery. I hope you don't self-harm anymore, but I guess we all have a way of dealing with life. Thank you so much for commenting! :)
Kitty- I'm glad you don't cut anymore, you don't deserve to feel pain. It does make sense, cutting helped me keep the pain in control also, but I'm happy I stopped. Thank you for commenting!
alice ana- Your boyfriend sounds very caring and sweet, he's a keeper! It makes me feel less alone, knowing I wasn't the only one to self-harm in kindergarden. We also got the ice in a ziplock bag at my school! Wanting attention is natural, we can't spend our whole lives invisible. :) Thank you for your comment, don't worry, I adore long comments! 
-christy- - I'm really glad you stopped cutting for a while, hopefully soon things will get better and you will quit again. I loved seeing blood also, it was so dark and red, and it made me feel like everything wrong was right again, but not anymore. My scars are gone now thankfully. Thank you for your comment! :)
Just Jessica- A lion is a great tattoo! I always thought lions symbolize strength also. Thank you for your comment, have an amazing day! :)
kes- I admire your 20 hour fasts, do you find them a little easier or harder now that you're doing them for weightloss also? Burning scares me, but I love fires. I hope you've stopped cutting. You're a strong person, stay strong, stay beautiful! :)
unbeautiful- I'm glad you've been trying to stop cutting. I still scratch myself, mostly on my stomach, but I need to stop. I hope you stop, you're an amazing person, you don't deserve to feel pain. Congrats on the 2 months! Thanks for your comment! :)
ELLE-usive Dream- I'm sending you a hug, I really hope you won't need to self harm anymore soon! I haven't read the Bell Jar, I'll definitely check it out. Stay strong, stay beautiful, I hope you have a wonderful day, you deserve it! :)
Ana's Addict- I was born 5 days ahead of you, in February! Aren't you also glad you weren't born on Valentine's Day? :) Thank you so much for your kind words about my blog, your blog is definitely one of my favorites, I love your writing style and determination! Emotional and mental self-harm is just as painful as physical harm, in my opinion. I hope you won't be too hard on yourself, maybe you could try treating yourself like you treat your best friend or someone you love! :) Thanks for the comment! 
lulu- I haven't watched Thirteen, I might after I go through all the movies in my Netflix queue. :) Cutting did help me deal with emotional pain, but I'm glad I stopped. I'm happy you don't cut often, and that your antidepressants are helping. You're a lovely person, you deserve a lovely day! :)

Monday, May 2, 2011

where does it hurt?

currently too afraid to weigh in. last time checked= 104.5 pounds.

Do you cut or self-harm in a different way? When did you start? 

I was in either kindergarden or pre-kindergarden, when my friend taught me how to hurt myself. We would purposely fall from the monkey bars onto the stones or scrape our knees against the rough sidewalk. Why? We had no solid reasons, we were only maybe 5 years old, even then, my mind was twisted. We would get sent to the nurse's office, she would ask, "What happened, where does it hurt?" and we would point to our knee or arm. A bandage with cartoon characters, a sticker, an ice pack, there you're all better, see it's fixed, you're a brave girl.

Many years later, I'm still destroying myself, in a very different way. I still have a twisted mind.  the nurse asked me now, "What happened, where does it hurt?", I'd tell her "I don't know, it's inside my mind," but the doctors would get a sharp knife, cut open my head to look at my mind, they'd stick a bandage on my brain. They'd read my thoughts and rip them out, slice away the bad parts, there you're all better, see it's fixed, you're a brave girl. 

Comment Replies: Thank you for commenting, I love hearing your thoughts! 
Cinnamon Brown- I completely agree, sometimes family members think unconditional love will last, that it's deserved, even when they hurt us and try their best to bring us down. One addiction for another, I like that. Exercise is amazing, I love the endorphins and the muscle soreness. Good luck on it, I know you have the strength! Thanks for commenting glad the zodiac is true for you! :)
Just Jessica- Leo always reminds me of a lion, for some reason. I'm pretty sure I had a kid's book once, about Leo the Lion or something. Thanks for commenting! :)
-christy-- The scale determines my mood always, I think I'll avoid it for a while. That's cool, I haven't met many Virgos! Thank you so much for your comment! 
Almost Alex- Cooking for others is amazing, they think you must be eating and they'll be delighted for the food. I'm sure you'll be a great cook! Thanks for the comment!
lulu- Hello fellow Aquarius! I found it on a very helpful website, click on the link in the zodiac post. :) Thanks for commenting!
Skinny_legs- You're the 2nd Virgo to comment! I'm going to look up the Virgo personality according to the Zodiac. Thanks for your comment! :)
MadelinaCooke- I love Scorpios, I know two of them in my life, amazing people. Thanks for your comment! :)
thin_thighs- That's good, balance is always a great thing! Good luck this week, I know you can achieve your goals! :) Thanks for commenting!
Lucy Hart- Let's both weigh in, after we've had several good restricting days. :) Thanks for your comment, have a lovely day!
Dani- My best friend is a Capricorn! Somehow the word reminds me of Thanksgiving. Thanks for commenting, glad the zodiac is true for you! :)