the start of a madness

Where did it begin? The roots of anorexia are tangled in knots, wrapped around and strangling my identity, like a parasite. I suspect anorexia may have always been a part of me, buried deep within my mind, triggered by my environment and life.

Sexual abuse was one of the main factors. He made me feel unsafe and dirty inside my own body, contributing to my hatred of myself, wanting to starve myself away until I was pure and empty of the guilt and fear. I pushed others away, and isolated myself inside my own mind, leading to the beginnings of disordered thoughts. Being alive hurts, wasting away deadens the feelings, the pain, the memories.

The constant strive for perfection, to do the absolute best in every aspect, is the base, the foundation for anorexia. The relentless cravings for being perfect outweighs cravings for food. Pressure to continue until the breaking point in academics, athletics, music, created my eating disorder.

Each factor, each word, each event that contributes or leads to anorexia are too numerous to list and analyze. The beginnings of an eating disorder are chaotic, complicated, and dark and the path towards recovery will be the same. I do not desire recovery, yet I wonder, when will the madness end?


(I am still away, this post was pre-written and scheduled to be posted, so I won't be able to do comment replies, I'm sorry.) 

"Shhh," she said. "I'm sleeping."

"Just like that. From a hundred miles an hour to asleep in a nanosecond. I wanted to so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep. Not even have sex. Just sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane." 

I wonder, if I ever will be that alive, the type of aliveness that surrounds the truly living and wakes up those around them. An eating disorder kills, is there enough room in my mind, my body for being alive? Could I live and be reckless and wild, with emotions and feelings, and be fascinating and intriguing, while slowly dying?

I can have both, I believe.

(I am still away, this post was pre-written and scheduled to be posted, so I won't be able to do comment replies, I'm sorry.) 

"Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia"

 

Let's create our future. Let's live for a more beautiful, brighter, more lovely world. Let's start today, we can do this, and we will. 

(I am still away, this post was pre-written and scheduled to be posted, so I won't be able to do comment replies, I'm sorry.) 

slowly, I let myself die

Anorexia. The first word I saw. A neat row of books with pages that had gone untouched for too long, lined up. On a whim, I picked up one, opened it and my eating disorder jumped out at me.

"There was something wrong. It was in my stomach, beginning in my mind, and working its way through the rest of my body. It was shutting down organs, making me healthy, and killing my brain cells. It was something I couldn't resist. A burning fire, a pain exploding through me as each day passed. Slowly, I let myself die.

Anorexia."

-Amy Anderson, Chicken Soup for the Soul


(I am still away, this post was pre-written and scheduled to be posted, so I won't be able to do comment replies, I'm sorry.) 

"her beating heart became a boom"

My excitement, my aliveness is struggling to stay contained inside me, co-existing with the tight grasp and boundaries of the eating disorder. 

I have not faced the internal conflict within, I am five pounds away from 95 pounds, and I still need to finish packing. But I am more ready than ever.

I have spent much of my time hiding, running from my issues, but now I am ready to be reckless, to be strong, to do what my heart, mind, body craves.

I am ready to live.

-----------------------------------------------------

I am leaving early in the morning tomorrow. I will not be able to get to a laptop for about three weeks (except maybe once or twice), but I've pre-written and scheduled some posts to be posted, since I can't stand the thought that this blog wouldn't be updated for three weeks. But unfortunately, I won't be able to do comment replies, or comment on any of your blogs. I will miss all of you more than you can imagine, and I hope that each one of you stays safe and happy.

Not everyone has posted their final competition weigh-in, so I will be unable to announce the winner and give out the prize until I return, and I am incredibly sorry for that.

Competition Final Weigh-In!

"You should kiss me underwater," he said to his girlfriend, as all eight of us swam in the cool water, escaping the 95 degree weather. Each one of his ribs protruded, I could see the bumps of his spine form a line down his back. I wanted to trace and feel his bones, so strong and fragile. When he jumped into the pool, his bones seemed to slice through the water.

Competition:

Please leave a comment with your SW, CW, and total amount lost in pounds, by midnight tonight. I am incredibly proud of everyone, and I hope that you all are closer to, or have reached your goals.

the lovely contestants:

thin and bones

Sara

ullalexie

diluer_est_beau

~christy~

Thinqueen1

Dotty Mcilduff

SkinnyLove

Dani

Brittany

Nele

Alex

JT

ellie3D

blanche

| | ANONYMOUS | |

ELLE-usive Dream

thincrisis

Almost Alex

Elle Marie

Angela

Kes ElBar7a

Zane

Just Jessica 

SimplyHeather

thin_thighs

alice ana

Lucy's Shadow

Arwen

Bee

Kitty

Thin or Not

Megan

becca

ArArY&K

Alicia Kay

Ana's Addict

Miyuki Hara

Perfection and Ana

hockychick19

Comment Replies:
Dani- I completely agree, I also wish I could pack up all my things and start a new fresh life. I hope you have a lovely day! <3
Skinny Fat Girl- I am incredibly jealous of your sister, I wish I could do that. Responsibility is difficult on us.
AJ- Thanks for commenting! I hope you have a lovely day, you deserve it!
ElBar7a- I'm sure it will be down a lot more, once the water weight is gone! Oh gosh, I despise airplane food also, it seems so artificial. Good luck, stay beautiful!
Cinnamon Brown- Very well put, human beings do seem to have a longing for wandering and searching for their hearts' desires. "The more we chase after it, the more we chase it away," I'm afraid I will chase it away, I'll do my best to run quite fast though. (: I haven't heard of Zen Buddhism, but it seems like it would be very peaceful and calm. You're right about life being about the journey, the beginning and end aren't quite as important as the middle and our experiences. I totally smiled when you mentioned Dumbledore and Harry, I am a proud Harry Potter fanatic. And I adore that quote. You seem to know very much about birds, you are an expert! Birds are truly beautiful. I've only seen a hummingbird once, it was incredible. Ha "Not unless you count a 'magic mushroom trip' and a 'trip down memory lane'", you crack me up! (: I hope you have a very wonderful day! <3
~christy~- "I wish i could travel to a far away land, leave all the problems behind and find something to fill the emptiness in my life." I completely agree with this. I hope that both of our dreams come true. 
Displayed- I find it very amusing and quite cool that both me and your four year old are in the same situation! Oh, I really do miss the innocence and happiness of young childhood. I hope that we can both find what we are searching for. (: I hope you have a lovely day, stay beautiful!
amelia- I agree, I am envious of the people that know what they want in life. Thanks for commenting! (:
Alex- I find it interesting that you pack suitcases on a regular basis, you seem to have the spontaneousness that I wish I had. I hope we find what we are looking for, I'm sure we will one day.
Kat not Jas- Thank you so much for your support! (: Good luck, stay beautiful!
Princess Perfection- You are right, we will all reach our goals one day, because we possess the strength and will. "You are not lost, just taking a detour" this was incredibly reassuring, thank you. I'm very sorry I haven't been commenting lately, I will fix that! (: I hope you have a lovely day!
Skinny Little Me- Good luck on your fast, I know that you have the strength to do it! It's very inspiring to hear that you are going to fast. (:

a broken compass

For those of you in the competition, please post your SW, CW, and total amount lost in pounds on the May/June Competition page by midnight on June 10th! (: Thank you very much for participating, I'm so proud of every one of you!

If anyone has been wondering about my current weight, the last time I checked, I was still at 100 lbs.

Each one of us is looking, searching for something in our lives. Can we find what we are searching for, if we are unsure of what we want? I'm wandering with a blank map and a broken compass and a need to find my destination. I can feel the craving, the want for something, something that I cannot identify yet. But I am sure that somehow, that when I find what I have been unknowingly searching for, I will know.

I adore packing, a journey begins with the preparation. I'm throwing clothes and hopes into a suitcase, I feel as if I am truly going somewhere. 

Two more days.

Comment Replies: I love you all, your support means the world to me. I truly appreciate each comment, thank you all for your lovely insight. 
Thin or Not- I live for the summer, but I love winter clothes; scarves, layers, boots, jackets. I hope you have a wonderful day!
in.the.name.of.thin- I hope you don't cancel your plans with your best friend! I hope you have a great time shopping, I'm sure it'll be a ton of fun. (: Have a lovely day!
jackie- I agree, sometimes I wish I could sleep forever. I hope that being with people will make me happy, starting tomorrow, I have non-stop plans. Thanks for commenting!
ElBar7a- I sometimes wish I could still wear winter clothes, it's in the 90s though where I live. I completely agree with what you said about our eating disorders becoming the center of our lives, every decision we make, all our plans, our thoughts become tangled with our disorder. Congrats on being a vegetarian, I really admire that lifestyle! Thank you so much for your lovely comment! (:
Hilly.M- I would be completely lost without the amazing support from this blog. "I reckon that we are, even a little step, closer to recovery if we choose to indulge in life despite keeping our dark secrets in the closet." I love this sentence, indulging in happiness is the best thing for us. Thank you for your comment!
~christy~- I agree, I am terrified of ever gaining back the weight I've lost, once I make it to the double digits, I would have a mental breakdown if I went back to triple digits. "I believe you can keep your low weight and have a life at the same time", thank you, this was incredibly reassuring. I hope you have a very lovely day! <3
lottie x- I agree, I adore wearing hoodies! Thank you so much for your support!
Displayed- You are completely right, I need to force myself to be with others, it's the best choice for me! I can't stay locked up with this eating disorder forever, I need to live. Thank you for helping me realize that.
AJ- I'm happy you ended up having a great time at the ball! "Shutting out these people is a dangerous road to go down, they love you and you need to show them that you love them or risk losing them forever." I remembered this part of your comment today, and it helped give me a new perspective. Thank you for commenting!
Bones- Thank you very much for your support! I hope that we both can be alive again. Stay beautiful!
killa kristen- I hope that I get back into the swing of things soon! I'm glad that you've gone back to being social, I hope I do the same. Thanks for your support! (:
Cinnamon Brown- "I truly hope you choose to walk in the light, it's the only way you'll thaw" "It's amazing what new things are waiting, if we just remember to let go of the old!", beautifully written! I'm really happy for your choice to do what's best for you! You made me realize, I haven't watched the birds at the bird feeder for longer than I can remember. I need to see them again. I used to have a wild chick a dee (is that what they're called?) friend, I miss him quite a lot. I hope that you have a lovely day, you deserve it!
lulu- Thank you so much for your support! I'm glad that you've gone back to living again, it's really reassuring to know that it does get better. I hope that you have a wonderful day, stay beautiful! <3
Dani- It does seem like life is full of things that we're forced to do. I hope that you're feeling okay, it must be difficult to act like nothing's wrong, at work, when you're going through a tough time. I hope that you have a lovely day! (:
Skinny_legs- Thank you for your kind words and support! I hope that you have an amazing day, stay beautiful!

frozen in the snow

June 7th, 2011? My calendar still says October 2010. Months have passed, much too fast, much too slow.

It's summer, almost 100 degrees outside. I'm still hibernating, buried in the snow, hiding from the world. Living is exhausting, I'm consumed by my eating disorder. I loved people, I truly did, now I only want to be with those that are closest to me. Plans for the movies, bowling, the mall, and especially restaurants are avoided, party invitations are ignored. Texts, facebook messages, and calls go unanswered.  Laughing is an effort, conversations seem meaningless. I am frozen in the snow.

Starting this Friday, I'll have to wake up when all I want is to sleep. Swimming with friends, followed shortly by three weeks with J, and then traveling out of the country for two weeks, ending with the beach with friends. I'm not ready at all, but this is for the best, I need to be alive again.

Comment Replies:
jackie- I agree, it does seem like we have a more difficult time following the golden law in reverse. Thank you for your comment, you made my day much better, and I hope you also have a lovely day! <3
ElBar7a- "I will think of every breath I take as something and I will remember that I am worthy." your words inspired me! I am truly glad for your confidence and love for yourself today, I hope that you will continue to feel this way! (:
Alex Accursed- I'm very happy for your positive attitude for yourself, you deserve to feel this happiness. Good luck, stay beautiful!
Hilly.M- Happiness is quite elusive sometimes. Thank you, I hope that you have a wonderful day! (:
Skinny Little Me- I'm really sorry to hear that you've written that list of things you hate about yourself. Go outside, look at the stars, that's how many beautiful qualities you possess. I hope you have a lovely day full of happiness, you deserve it!
Cinnamon Brown- I love your positive attitude and your way of thought, that we always have a choice. Choice is important to me, because control is important to me, yet I seem to forget frequently that I have a choice. Thank you for commenting!
Wings to Set me Free- I've never thought of it that way ("whenever I meet a critical person, I always feel bad for them, because I know how much more critical they must be of themselves") , thank you for the insight! Have an amazing day!
~christy~- You are beautiful, always remember that. I hope you have a very wonderful day, you deserve it!
Lucy's Shadow- Good luck on your fasting! I'm glad you're back, I've missed you! I hope you have a lovely day, you deserve it. (:
MiniandMerry- I agree, learning to love yourself is one of the most difficult challenges we face in life. You're right, true beauty is from the inside, I hope we all see that one day.
Alex- Thank you, I hope you have a lovely day! <3
Gianni- We definitely are, we attack ourselves from within.
Ivy- Thank you for your comment! Yup, I also hope we are kinder to ourselves!
Bones- I agree, I do the same, I hope that we start treating ourselves like we treat others!
Thin or Not- You made my day, I hope you have a lovely day as well. <3
lulu- I'm sorry that your list of things you hate about yourself is longer than the list of likes about yourself. But the beautiful, amazing qualities about you greatly outnumber your perceived faults, and I hope you see that. (:
Marie- Thank you, that made me smile!

"cause I am my enemy"

Eating disorders take a toll on us, mentally, physically. Our self-esteem, our confidence is worn down, ripped apart. At times, we feel worthless, we sink deeper and deeper into our disorders until we're drowning.

Yesterday, I read the blog of a girl who had written 101 reasons why she hated herself. It truly broke my heart, because she deserves 101 reasons to love herself.

I criticize myself with words that I would die rather than say to any friend, or even a stranger. And I know I am not alone in this.

So today, let's be kind to ourselves, and treat ourselves like we would treat someone we love. Because we deserve to feel happiness.

Comment Replies:
Hilly.M- That's quite cool, I didn't know you were German.
Wings to Set me Free- Thank you, you made me smile!
AJ- That's really sweet of you, thank you! (:
~christy~- Thank you so much, I hope you have a wonderful day!
Cinnamon Brown- Your kind words made my entire day, thank you incredibly! I love your lovely comments, they always make me smile. I hope that you have a very amazing week!
Dani- I'm glad you'll never stop writing! I hope that you have a very lovely day, you deserve it! <3
ElBar7a- Thank you so much for your kind words, you are so sweet! Thank you for your lovely words, I am sure that others will find inspiration and strength from your quote.
Alex- I'm happy you enjoyed the quotes, this ana/mia community seems to be full of beautiful writers!
Thin or Not- I'm glad it makes me you happy, thank you for the inspiration! I hope you have a wonderful day!
Alex Accursed- I love your determined and positive attitude! Good luck, stay beautiful!
jackie- Thank you so much, you are really sweet! I hope you have a very lovely day, you deserve it!
Princess Perfection- Thank you so much for your kind words, I truly appreciate them! I am very happy for your decision to escape from Ana, I'm glad that you are choosing to live a healthy life. I wish you the best of luck, stay beautiful! <3
alice ana- Your strength is inspiring, I'm proud of you for staying strong. Thank you so much for your kind words! I hope that you have a very lovely day, you deserve it!
Kitty- Thank you, I'm glad you liked the post!
amelia- Thank you incredibly for your kind words, I'm smiling like crazy, you are such a sweet person. I read your blog, you are very charismatic, I hope you continue writing! Love the blog name! Good luck, stay beautiful. <3

words from you

Words have such power, especially when arranged beautifully, in sentences that convey emotions, meanings, thoughts. These are your words.

"You can always change; you can always start over; you can always get better, but you can never live in this life again." Emmmmm.

"I am all the surfaces of unfolded origami, a million reasons why, uncountable stars, infinite moments. how do you define that?" jackie


"i wish all of you love and a smile; we all deserve a smile once in awhile, and we always give each other much needed love - for a world that's supposed to be so dark and warped, we have such supportive and (most of the time) positive people in it. it's wonderful. any of you can pick me up when i feel like i've fallen, and i'd always be happy to do the same for any of you."  alice ana

" We must be the masters of our own happiness. We may not be able to control of what happens to us, but we can choose how we react to these things. The choice is ours, victim or victor! It's up to us and no one else!" Cinnamon Brown

"I need to get it out of my life!
I am going to do well with this, I know it.
I am a perfectionist.
I crave control.
I need to be the best.
AND I WILL."  Ana's Addict

"The pleasure you get is from the emptiness in your stomach and the numbers on the scale and those flickers of moments where you're convinced you are powerful. But all is weighed down by the displeasure, the guilt of eating, the nausea and headache and pain from not eating, the fear that someone would find out, the fear that you will gain, the obsession, the inability to sit down and think about anything else... " ElBar7a

This post was inspired by Thin or Not, who has a lovely blog, My Mission to a Thin Me.


Comment Replies: Instead of replying to comments this time, I felt like writing about all of your lovely blogs.
Hearing Out Echo (CAliChica)- I absolutely love the name of your blog, it's unique and beautiful. I really enjoy your writing style, it draws me in. I hope you continue writing!
A Picture, a Face, a Candle, and a Different Place (ElBar7a)- I adore the name of your blog, it's quite lovely! I love your positive attitude and determination, reading your blog always gives me thinspiration. Stay beautiful!
The Sinking Game (Hilly.M)- You have a beautiful and interesting way of writing. You're also a genuinely friendly and kind person, and it shows in your blog. Please continue writing!
Learning To Fly (Alex Accursed)- I really enjoy the format and text of your new blog, though I do miss reading the old one. I like the more recovery-themedness of your blog. You are a really interesting and sweet person, I'm happy that we've met through our blogs. Your strength inspires me.
- fading into nothing - (~christy~) - The flowers throughout your blog are gorgeous! I like how you format your posts, and you are such a caring and kind person, I love how you wish everyone a good day at the end of each post. Stay beautiful, and keep writing!
* f a k e . f a d i n g . m e m o r i e s * (annamaria) - I really like the title of your blog, it's so delicate and lovely. I love reading your blog, when I have more time this summer, I plan to start reading from the beginning. Your control and strength motivate me, thank you!
bones are pure (Dani) - I really enjoy reading your blog, both your blogs actually (your thinspo one is very lovely!). You are truly inspiring, you provide me with so much strength and major thinspiration. I love how you post pictures and music on your blog. I'd be extremely devastated if you ever stopped writing.
Sincerely, Cinnamon Brown (Cinnamon Brown) - Your blog shines with your beautiful personality, I have never met anyone quite like you, and that is very unfortunate, because you are so friendly and welcoming, caring, intelligent, with a warm sense of humor and common sense, you are so alive. I look up to you more than you can imagine. I adore your blog and the uplifting positivity of it, I truly enjoy reading it, you are an amazing writer, and an amazing person. 

the price we pay

Friday weigh-in for the competition! I'm proud of everyone for all of your effort and hard work!

Like an empty stomach tears away at the body, an empty head tears away at the mind. Like I try to fill my hunger with water, I fill my mind with meaningless thoughts that lead nowhere. 

How much do we sacrifice for our eating disorders? Friends, family, relationships, health, love. Our lives in exchange for a disease. I've only given up my sanity so far, though I was never truly sane.

I thought I was willing to pay the price, I am not so sure now, though I've lost the power to make a choice. 

Comment Replies: Thank you all so much for your lovely insights! 
Ana's Addict- Thank you so much for your kind words! You really do give me strength, I'm always excited to read your blog and your lovely comments. Let's fight to find our bones together. <3
Gianni- I agree, the human body is an incredible thing, it amazes me how strong we really are. Thank you for commenting!
Alex- "They're my safety net," that made me think. I hope that you are having a lovely day, you deserve it!
Thin or Not- Thank you very much, you made me smile! (:
CAliChica- Thank you, you're so sweet! (:
Cinnamon Brown- I love elephants now, they seem like such incredible, intelligent creatures. I want to cry when I hear of elephants being killed, how can people have so little hearts and souls? And I adore how you call them Ellies! That sounds like an amazing experience, you really are such an interesting person. Thank you for commenting! (:
~christy~- Bones are gorgeous, I'm glad you feel the same way.
AJ- You've worked so hard for your beautiful bones, I think you have a right to be protective over them. (: If someone touched my hipbones, I'd probably freak out. Thanks for commenting!
alice ana- I also can't wait until I can see my ribs, I've had a strong fascination with ribs ever since I was young. Congrats on your hipbones! I wish mine were more visible, though I can see them. I'm sorry you feel that you have lost connections with your friends, I hope that everything returns to normal. I know it will, because you truly are an amazing person and the people lucky enough to be in your life know that also. :) This whole ED community should meet one day in the future, I'd love to meet you, you are an inspiration and comfort to me. Stay beautiful!
Dani- Thank you so much for the email address, you are such an incredibly caring person! (: You are also a major thinspiration for me, I hope to uncover my ribs, like you have already done.
Alex- You already are quite a successful person, congrats on nationals! (: I hope we find our bones, I know we can do this.
Bones- Bones are beautiful, let's find them together! (:
Hilly.M- I completely agree with you about bones making a statement about one's character, to be able to show your skeleton, you must have a strong character. Thank you, I'm very happy you like my blog's background! (:
the_dark_kight- Thank you incredibly! Wintergirls is one of my favorite books, being compared to the writing style made my day. (: Congrats on uncovering your beautiful bones, I'm happy that your boyfriend likes bones also.

transparent girls, like walking x-rays

Like an archaeologist, I want to uncover all these bones one by one, buried in a sea of dirt. Bones are truth, covered by lies.

 My skeleton is the framework, the structure of myself. Bones represent death for some, I think of them as life. Feeling my hipbones, my ribs, my collarbones, reassures me that I am alive.

Bones seem fragile, yet they are strong and powerful, like the transparent girls that show their skeletons like walking x-rays. I'll reveal these beautiful bones, so finally, I can truly see myself.


Comment Replies: I've been crying off and on today and yesterday, but your comments moved me to tears, of happiness, and I hope those will be the last tears I cry for a very long time. Thank you, I love you all.
Thin or Not- Thank you incredibly, you are so sweet! Knowing that you're only an email away if I need someone to talk to truly comforts me.
Skinny Little Me- Your support truly means the world to me, thank you so much for you kind words!
Wings to Set me Free- Thank you so much, I really do need a hug right now. You're right, I won't give my mother that power in the future.
AJ- You're really kind, thank you so much for making me feel a lot better.
CAliChica- Thank you very much for your support! You have no idea how much better I feel knowing that I'm only an email away from a fellow caring ana.
annamaria- Your advice really worked, I slept for 10 hours straight and I felt amazing in the morning. Thank you so much!
when_in_rome- Thank you very much, you're so sweet. You really brightened my day, I hope you have a lovely day as well!
alice ana- "Keep your head up, above the mirrors, above the voices in your head, just for a day." Beautifully written, I needed that! I wish the world had more people like you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. <3
Britni Marie- Thank you so much for your support, it means a lot to me! I hope you feel better also, let's fight for happiness together.
Hilly.M- I hope the chemical imbalance goes away soon! Thank you very much for all of your support, it truly means a lot to me.
Dani- I'm really glad that you understand about feeling like you've lost control over everything in life, it reminds me that I'm not alone in this, we're all struggling and fighting for what our hearts want in this life. I really hope everything turns out okay with the guy! Thank you incredibly for your kind words, I'm glad people like you exist in this world.
~christy~- You're so nice, you've made me feel much much happier today! Thank you so much for your support!
Gianni- I was sitting here reading your comment, and the realization hit me hard, you are completely right, all I need is to be perfect enough for MYSELF, I need to stop attempting to live up to my mother's impossible standards. Thank you thank you thank you, you've given me this incredible revelation, you truly have made my life brighter and better.
Marie- I'm really sorry that your mother said those things, you don't deserve that! I agree, parents seem to expect a perfect child, they seem to forget that we're human also. Thank you so much for your support!
Bones- I agree, it seems like many people have difficult relationships with their mothers, I wonder why. Thank you incredibly for your support!
Ana's Addict- Your comment made me smile, you are an amazing person, I hope to be like you one day. You remind me that I'm not alone in this struggle, the world needs more people like you. I truly appreciate your support, thank you so much!
TheJDawg01- Yup mine definitely caused problems in my childhood, she sent me away for a year or two when I was a few months old, because she didn't want me. Thank you so much for your support!
Mia- You're incredibly sweet, thank you so much for your encouraging words! You made my day much much better, I truly appreciate your support!