Where did it begin? The roots of anorexia are tangled in knots, wrapped around and strangling my identity, like a parasite. I suspect anorexia may have always been a part of me, buried deep within my mind, triggered by my environment and life.
Sexual abuse was one of the main factors. He made me feel unsafe and dirty inside my own body, contributing to my hatred of myself, wanting to starve myself away until I was pure and empty of the guilt and fear. I pushed others away, and isolated myself inside my own mind, leading to the beginnings of disordered thoughts. Being alive hurts, wasting away deadens the feelings, the pain, the memories.
The constant strive for perfection, to do the absolute best in every aspect, is the base, the foundation for anorexia. The relentless cravings for being perfect outweighs cravings for food. Pressure to continue until the breaking point in academics, athletics, music, created my eating disorder.
Each factor, each word, each event that contributes or leads to anorexia are too numerous to list and analyze. The beginnings of an eating disorder are chaotic, complicated, and dark and the path towards recovery will be the same. I do not desire recovery, yet I wonder, when will the madness end?