Friday, June 3, 2011

the price we pay

Friday weigh-in for the competition! I'm proud of everyone for all of your effort and hard work!

Like an empty stomach tears away at the body, an empty head tears away at the mind. Like I try to fill my hunger with water, I fill my mind with meaningless thoughts that lead nowhere. 

How much do we sacrifice for our eating disorders? Friends, family, relationships, health, love. Our lives in exchange for a disease. I've only given up my sanity so far, though I was never truly sane.

I thought I was willing to pay the price, I am not so sure now, though I've lost the power to make a choice. 

Comment Replies: Thank you all so much for your lovely insights! 
Ana's Addict- Thank you so much for your kind words! You really do give me strength, I'm always excited to read your blog and your lovely comments. Let's fight to find our bones together. <3
Gianni- I agree, the human body is an incredible thing, it amazes me how strong we really are. Thank you for commenting!
Alex- "They're my safety net," that made me think. I hope that you are having a lovely day, you deserve it!
Thin or Not- Thank you very much, you made me smile! (:
CAliChica- Thank you, you're so sweet! (:
Cinnamon Brown- I love elephants now, they seem like such incredible, intelligent creatures. I want to cry when I hear of elephants being killed, how can people have so little hearts and souls? And I adore how you call them Ellies! That sounds like an amazing experience, you really are such an interesting person. Thank you for commenting! (:
~christy~- Bones are gorgeous, I'm glad you feel the same way.
AJ- You've worked so hard for your beautiful bones, I think you have a right to be protective over them. (: If someone touched my hipbones, I'd probably freak out. Thanks for commenting!
alice ana- I also can't wait until I can see my ribs, I've had a strong fascination with ribs ever since I was young. Congrats on your hipbones! I wish mine were more visible, though I can see them. I'm sorry you feel that you have lost connections with your friends, I hope that everything returns to normal. I know it will, because you truly are an amazing person and the people lucky enough to be in your life know that also. :) This whole ED community should meet one day in the future, I'd love to meet you, you are an inspiration and comfort to me. Stay beautiful!
Dani- Thank you so much for the email address, you are such an incredibly caring person! (: You are also a major thinspiration for me, I hope to uncover my ribs, like you have already done.
Alex- You already are quite a successful person, congrats on nationals! (: I hope we find our bones, I know we can do this.
Bones- Bones are beautiful, let's find them together! (:
Hilly.M- I completely agree with you about bones making a statement about one's character, to be able to show your skeleton, you must have a strong character. Thank you, I'm very happy you like my blog's background! (:
the_dark_kight- Thank you incredibly! Wintergirls is one of my favorite books, being compared to the writing style made my day. (: Congrats on uncovering your beautiful bones, I'm happy that your boyfriend likes bones also.


  1. o my flipp'n gosh i've sacrafiesed 2 much , my health ,friends n luv but Ed stays while every1 leaves stay strong xoxo

  2. You sacrifice your social life as well... Your school reports, your grades, your future, your poetry, your writing - you lose the passion that made you unique. I can't recall the last story I've written just for the pleasure of writing it if it wasn't about someone suffering from an ED or so. It just doesn't matter what you sacrifice anymore because you don't know how to live any other way. The pleasure you get is from the emptiness in your stomach and the numbers on the scale and those flickers of moments were you're convinced you are powerful. But all is weighed down by the displeasure, the guilt of eating, the nausea and headache and pain from not eating, the fear that someone would find out, the fear that you will gain, the obsession, the inability to sit down and think about anything else... And the sad thing is we know that that doesn't matter (as long as we get thin enough)
    Also, I'm on my Sammy diet and afraid of my weigh-in leading to my binge. Ill weigh when I'm done though :)

  3. We have all given up way too much that would be considered appropriate to give up in life. But, we're still here struggling, every single one of us. So, I wouldn't really say given-up on... just traded for other stuff. If it's good or bad is up for everyone else to decide ... for me, most definitely bad. (But nevertheless some good in the bad). :)

  4. We do pay, steeply. Maybe one day we'll think it was all worth it, though I doubt that.

  5. For me many of those things were lost before. I only sacrificed my health to ED. I'm working on getting things back and ED actually helps me with it - i've become a little bit more confident and managed to have friends, and i'm distracted from my other fears and unsolved problems. It's like i get to live in exchange for my health, if that makes any sense. ED makes my struggle easier :)

  6. You loose so many things you thought they were yours. Things that made you who you are, a unique person.
    I personally lost my good grades, my clubbing days, my ability to eat with lots of friends, my thoughts other than food and calories, my love to shop clothes (which I'm currently try to fix) and the courage to go out and have fun. I'm too afraid of that now.
    What did I gain? Although this verb makes me uncomfortable, I realised I have feelings. I didn't know that, really. I can feel other than anger and happiness, I now feel sadness, too. But it's not something I am thankful for -I think.

  7. i sacrficed alot for this disease my health being the major one even thought he doc says myheart is fine its not he just listens to it and its usually going way to fast for nomral i cant have caffeien casue of it i fuckedup mys tomach so bad the docs dont even know what i swrong with it im weak my bones are weak every step gotta b careful
    my sanity is gone my life isnt my owni t was never my own it belongs to my ed i dont have ne firends cause of it casue they dont understand they will never understand ive lost good friends best friends cause of it ive lost the trust of the boyfriend he watches me slowly killing myself he tells me hes scared to lose me cause he knows that someday he will u lose everything with this disease and i would give nething to b an omral person to not constanly think about calories or food to not rely on pills to keep my head out of the toilet i lost evertyhing i never got to accomplish my dreams i never got to go to the good college get the degree i wanted teh dream job i wanted instead i barely graduated hihg school went to community college took me 4 years to juts get a stupid associates degree and i work retail way below my potential i lost everything if u want out of this disease get out while u can til its got to hard of a hold on u dont end up like me

  8. You're absolutely right, ellies are super intelligent, just look at the size of that brain! I also have no respect for people who kill them. Fuckers!

    I must say, I feel that, in life, we always have a choice, even if it doesn't feel that way, but maybe I just don't like the idea of not being in control of my life. I like to feel that I'm the mistress of my own destiny and that my disorders will not beat me. What can I say, I'm a stubborn little bitch!

    Have a great weekend, Babe! <3. XXX.


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