Thursday, June 9, 2011

a broken compass

For those of you in the competition, please post your SW, CW, and total amount lost in pounds on the May/June Competition page by midnight on June 10th! (: Thank you very much for participating, I'm so proud of every one of you!

If anyone has been wondering about my current weight, the last time I checked, I was still at 100 lbs.

Each one of us is looking, searching for something in our lives. Can we find what we are searching for, if we are unsure of what we want? I'm wandering with a blank map and a broken compass and a need to find my destination. I can feel the craving, the want for something, something that I cannot identify yet. But I am sure that somehow, that when I find what I have been unknowingly searching for, I will know.

I adore packing, a journey begins with the preparation. I'm throwing clothes and hopes into a suitcase, I feel as if I am truly going somewhere. 

Two more days.

Comment Replies: I love you all, your support means the world to me. I truly appreciate each comment, thank you all for your lovely insight. 
Thin or Not- I live for the summer, but I love winter clothes; scarves, layers, boots, jackets. I hope you have a wonderful day! I hope you don't cancel your plans with your best friend! I hope you have a great time shopping, I'm sure it'll be a ton of fun. (: Have a lovely day!
jackie- I agree, sometimes I wish I could sleep forever. I hope that being with people will make me happy, starting tomorrow, I have non-stop plans. Thanks for commenting!
ElBar7a- I sometimes wish I could still wear winter clothes, it's in the 90s though where I live. I completely agree with what you said about our eating disorders becoming the center of our lives, every decision we make, all our plans, our thoughts become tangled with our disorder. Congrats on being a vegetarian, I really admire that lifestyle! Thank you so much for your lovely comment! (:
Hilly.M- I would be completely lost without the amazing support from this blog. "I reckon that we are, even a little step, closer to recovery if we choose to indulge in life despite keeping our dark secrets in the closet." I love this sentence, indulging in happiness is the best thing for us. Thank you for your comment!
~christy~- I agree, I am terrified of ever gaining back the weight I've lost, once I make it to the double digits, I would have a mental breakdown if I went back to triple digits. "I believe you can keep your low weight and have a life at the same time", thank you, this was incredibly reassuring. I hope you have a very lovely day! <3
lottie x- I agree, I adore wearing hoodies! Thank you so much for your support!
Displayed- You are completely right, I need to force myself to be with others, it's the best choice for me! I can't stay locked up with this eating disorder forever, I need to live. Thank you for helping me realize that.
AJ- I'm happy you ended up having a great time at the ball! "Shutting out these people is a dangerous road to go down, they love you and you need to show them that you love them or risk losing them forever." I remembered this part of your comment today, and it helped give me a new perspective. Thank you for commenting!
Bones- Thank you very much for your support! I hope that we both can be alive again. Stay beautiful!
killa kristen- I hope that I get back into the swing of things soon! I'm glad that you've gone back to being social, I hope I do the same. Thanks for your support! (:
Cinnamon Brown- "I truly hope you choose to walk in the light, it's the only way you'll thaw" "It's amazing what new things are waiting, if we just remember to let go of the old!", beautifully written! I'm really happy for your choice to do what's best for you! You made me realize, I haven't watched the birds at the bird feeder for longer than I can remember. I need to see them again. I used to have a wild chick a dee (is that what they're called?) friend, I miss him quite a lot. I hope that you have a lovely day, you deserve it!
lulu- Thank you so much for your support! I'm glad that you've gone back to living again, it's really reassuring to know that it does get better. I hope that you have a wonderful day, stay beautiful! <3
Dani- It does seem like life is full of things that we're forced to do. I hope that you're feeling okay, it must be difficult to act like nothing's wrong, at work, when you're going through a tough time. I hope that you have a lovely day! (:
Skinny_legs- Thank you for your kind words and support! I hope that you have an amazing day, stay beautiful!


  1. i wish i could just pack up everything and just leave leave everything behind and just go forget all my problmes and just b free god that would b the life wouldnt it

  2. My sister does this. She just flies around the world at a moments notice. I hate responsibility. I wish I could live out of a backpack like her..

  3. You're welcome sweetie, I'm happy to have been able to help :-)

    AJ xx

  4. I checked blogger after drowning down 3 cups of tea/Diet Pepsi.

    I still checked my weight. It isn't accurate though.

    SW- 149.1
    CW- 150.8

    Even with the water weight, I don't think I lost more than a pound or two.

    I actually like travelling aside from the plane journey. I hate the planes and the sodium-filled food. I fear travelling now because I feel like I should live in my restrictive bubble because it's familiar to me. I don't know how I'd handle going away for a few days, having to eat three meals everyday and all...:(

  5. Great post! Human beings are curious beasts with an innate and insatiable longing. It's that dreadful longing that flicks our compasses in all directions and sends our feet into the wilderness. I find the trick is to just sit still and let that which we seek find it's way to us! The more we chase after it, the more we chase it away. Zen Buddhism makes life so much easier sometimes!

    I always believe life is about the journey, who knows if we'll ever reach our destination? After all, if we focus too much on the destination and forget to look around once in a while, we'll miss out on some pretty awesome sights along the way. As Dumbledore told Harry: "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."

    So jealous of your chickadees. We don't get them here. I was just watching a pair of double collared sunbirds feeding on the Tecomaria Capensis (Cape Honeysuckle). I love hummingbirds, but we also don't get them here. Sunbirds are pretty close! Man, the colours and the singing, too incredible! I can't be bummed when I start my day with that! Such happy little birds.

    Oh wow, a journey, how exciting! I haven't been on a trip for ages. Not unless you count a 'magic mushroom trip' and a 'trip down memory lane'! Ha! Hope you have a wonderful adventure! <3. XXX.

  6. I wish i could travel to a far away land, leave all the problems behind and find something to fill the emptiness in my life. Ah, sweet dream. I wonder if i'll manage to make it come true...

  7. My babes Spoog often says he's forgetting something or looking for something and when I ask him what it is he doesn't know. Or I ask if I can help and he's like no mom I'll figure it out. Haha I'm not saying you're immature or have the mind of a child!! But I find it intriguing that both a 4 year old (who's insanely smart and I'm not saying that because I'm biased) and a young woman are having the same mind crisis. Something's out there, you must find it alone, and you don't even know what it is. I wish you both a safe voyage to your unknowns.


  8. I know exactly what you mean..i was thinking about this last night actually..i envy people my age that know what they wanna do they know what they want from life..and its worse when theyre younger than me lol but like you said..we'll know when it happens...good luck and enjoy yourself xx

  9. I pack suitcases on a regular basis. Just in the vain hopes that I'll have somewhere to go. Somewhere new, exciting, different. As you said, we're all searching. Does anyone ever find it?

  10. 100 lbs is awesome!!! Keep it up :)

  11. As always, you are amazing.
    I always read your posts, and my sense of hope is always restored.
    Some days I feel like I wander with no destination in mind, but those are the days that show me that I do have a goal, and that goal is important to me.
    So I will reach it, one day at a time. :)
    And you will reach your goal.
    You are not lost, just taking a detour.
    That is all that is going on.
    You can do this!
    I miss your comments on my blog. :(
    I hope you are doing well.
    Hang in there and stay strong love. <3

  12. i'm so jealous of you for being at 100 pounds. that's my new UGW. i just...need to get into fasting mode. i'm starting tomorrow (it's six so i wont eat anything today anyways)


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