Saturday, October 27, 2012

deeply imperfect

I dreamed of walking on an ethereal beach, a narrow strip of sand between a sheer charcoal cliff and an ocean of clear swirling waves. The shallow sea was tinted with the sheen of faint rainbows. In the distance, the sun rested on the horizon, a sunrise or a sunset or maybe neither. Pink and gold glazed the sky and shimmered over the water. I was weightless, leaving no footprints on the sand, as if I had not ever existed. I felt such happiness, as if the world had become simple. In another dream, a boy I had once known but forgotten, looked at me, turned to his father and said, "Some things never change." He was right; despite anything I do to my body or my life, I'll still be here, somewhere inside. I've always been me, even when I tried so hard to change, as if changing would erase my unhappiness.

"You're really pretty!" she said randomly, and I reflected the compliment back to her, wishing I knew if her words were meaningful. I'm not pretty anymore, not on the inside nor the outside. I am worn away, weak, soft, tired. And I want to come back to control, obsession, my life in the past, even though it was often filled with dissastisfaction and a coldness that penetrated sharply, freezing my mind. At times, it was comforting, stable, and rewarding, and I miss that. I want to waste away, though I know I will still be deeply imperfect.

105 pounds, aiming for 89.

Much love and thanks to
Little Miss Thin
The Lovely Bones
Judith Marie
Lucy's Shadow.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

help me please?

It's been so long, but I'm here again. I have no words right now, but someone please give me some words of motivation? I need to be pushed, harder.