Monday, December 5, 2011

double zero

Faded frayed pale blue size two jeans, lifelessly hanging like a corpse. It's been months since they've left the darkness of the closet. New stiff dark navy skinny jeans, double zero, on my legs, hanging perfectly. Counting backwards, 2, 1, 0, 00. Three sizes down and my reflection in the broken mirror has not changed at all. A new scale is desperately needed. Mine tells me 105 pounds, a friend's digital scale says 98. It's better to overestimate though, rather than believe lies. My period is a month late.

I once felt as if I was spilling out of myself, left with just a lonely body; lost and searching for the little pieces that ran away into a mirror and I followed. But now, I'm all here, I think. I function efficiently, I'm aware of my surroundings. I smile, cry, talk. I'm quite certain I deserve to be human again.

Dry crunchy single piece of bread, folded in half, hoping no one sees there's nothing inside, 65 calories. Three grapes. My stomach's learned not to growl anymore. Later, I purge two pieces of chocolate. Meat feels dirty, vegetarianism seems appealing.

The screen flickers metallic light and I see Alex searching in his closet. He hands me a drink, soda he says. It's my very first time, but I realize the strange taste of something, alcohol. We lay stretched out on his bed, me under the covers, cold. My head against his left shoulder, with his right hand, he casually flicks his knife, tossing it expertly. He's one of those inherently fascinating people with crazy stories, a life story more complex than fiction.

I know it can be difficult for us, anyone, to keep a true smile on their face. I'm here, always, if you need some encouragement or if you need a listener. We all need love. I love you all and I hope everyone has a beautiful, lovely day, because each one of you deserves it.

Thanks to
Little Miss Thin
Judith Marie
miss alisha
Lucy's Shadow
Depressed Skinny Mess
alice ana
Princess Perfection
Thin or Not
for all of your support and lovely words.


  1. i'm here for you too, you are beautiful and also deserve a lovely day, xo.

  2. ur writing is so beautiful dear....i think the reason u see the same reflection is because u see urself everyday so there's no way u will actually notice the changes...u might c a difference if u took a picture today and compare it with when u were size 2. im sure ull c something!

  3. You're amazing. You can always count on me to be hear to support you.

    You're losing weight. I hope you feel good about yourself. It sounds like you're making progress. Darling, you are beautiful, no matter what, remember that. You do deserve to be human. I know that at some points we all feel above or less than human. But it's never true.
    I hope your day is as beautiful as it gets.

  4. Your writing is just so mesmerizing.
    Every single word captures me and drags me into your mind.
    I believe that people's writing reflects them, in this case you're writing shows just how truly beautiful you are.
    I hope you have an amazing day.
    Love Anafly

  5. You are absolutely incredible.
    I have the same problem when I see my reflection. I never see a difference, even when I'm clearly thinner. You are beautiful and I want you to believe that you truly are unique and stunning!! Next time you catch yourself staring back, make sure you let her know how amazing she is. Much love <3

  6. you got your goal. but are you happy?

  7. You deserve a lovely day as well. Your writing always captures me! We're all here for you when you need us. And we're all human, even when it doesn't feel like it. xx OceanicMelody73

  8. You are beautiful. And you do deserve to be human. Actually, you already are, even if you don't feel like it yet.
    I'm here for you if you need me.
    Have a lovely day!

  9. You are truly so captivating, you really are. And 00?????? AMAZING. you're wonderful and you deserve everything that you could hope for.
    You seem happier, and that makes me happier!

  10. double zero, well... WOW!
    (and yes, I AM jealous)
    how is your wrist?

  11. and we are here as well, a whisper into your soul. you are my cherub, and i am Lucifer. <3 as always your words leave the mark of the angel, Enochian symbols and a sweet kiss.
    take care of yourself, love. and i hope you and your wrist are much better now. <3
    -Sam Lupin

  12. I hope your wrist is better :)
    I can't even imagine how tiny 00 is, the smallest you can get in the UK is a 0 and that's only at select places. I think I would be inclined to believe your friends scales if you're fitting in 00 jeans xx

  13. 00???? That is AMAZINGLY SKINNY!!!!! I hope your doing OK xx

  14. You are doing wonderful <3 I would believe your friends' scale :)

  15. Your writing is beautiful doll, I'd love to hear more about your first alcohol and this Boy :)

  16. 00? to me, thats unheard of. Im a 7 and my goal is 3. i hope i get there!

  17. Longtime reader and first time commenter here. Your prose is so beautiful, and so are you. Keep on going!

  18. You are such an amazing, strong, beautiful person.
    I hope that everything you deserve in life finds you.
    I also hope that your wrist is doing better. :)
    Hang in there, love.
    Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

  19. We're all here for you! You have such lovely, moving and captivating words! You're such an inspiration and you deserve to be happy with a beautiful body! You're so strong and you're such an inspiration to me, as well as so many others!
    Guarentee you are tiny, believe your friends scales, they're not lies!
    Stay strong beautiful!


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