Thursday, November 17, 2011

broken wrist, broken spirit

I follow the train tracks, like bare empty bones, like ribs, fire colored trees on either side. Dry leaves breaking, the only sound I hear. The tracks pass under a bridge, and I pause. Bright, obscene graffiti, and beer cans scattered amongst the leaves. I'm all alone, but there's a sense of recklessness left behind from others who came to this same place. I continue carefully over the blue gray rocks and parallel bars of the tracks, past a sign forbidding trespassers, a shady nightclub. I'm tempted to lie down, to feel the hard tracks against my body, to hear the vibrations of the coming train.

A sharp intense pain explodes in my right wrist, a thousand times worse than anything I have ever felt in my lifetime. My words don't make sense and the world turns patches of dark. At the hospital, three hours pass before I'm given a pill of Ibuprofen. A fracture in my radius, the doctor says. Not one tear escapes during the entire time, physical pain is a short red papercut in comparison to emotional pain.

Alex tells me he hears that B has a girlfriend, freckles across her face. It's not confirmed yet, but I relapse into the familiar pattern. B, the guy I've known for five years, the guy who liked me when I was ugly, the one with the soft blue eyes, the one who trades jokes with me and slows down to walk beside me. Alex doesn't realize I'm sad, he tells me I can do better, tells me B is like boring like cardboard. I honestly thought he could save me from myself, believed he could help me be the type of person I had always hoped to be. I was stupid, for thinking he could care for me, thinking he could care for a girl with issues with food, intimacy, self injury, anger.

Avoiding eating is much easier now, with a broken wrist. I was having a 100 calorie day, until I  gave in to 300 calorie ice cream and two spoonfuls of peanut butter. I fit into double zero shorts now, tight, but they fit.

I don't want to always live in this faded world of self-destruction and hunger and despair and self-absorption, but where else can I go? Someone please show me the train tracks that lead away from here, I think I'm almost ready to follow them out.

Much love to
Sam Lupin
Depressed Skinny Mess
Judith Marie
Lucy's Shadow
miss alisha
deseperee de maigrir
Perfection and Ana
Nichole S.
for commenting. Each one of you beautiful people makes me smile with pure happiness.(: I'll be catching up on everyone's lovely blogs, but I might either leave a short comment or no comment, I apologize. I'm typing with one hand, but once my wrist heals, I'll be able to blog more frequently.


  1. Your writing is beautiful as always.

    Regarding B, he may be the one who can see past everything- but he doesn't know this yet. Or if he can't then there is a special guy out there who will be able to love you- even with all your issues :) And he'll be worth it beautiful. Trust me x

    I hope your wrist isn't too sore, did it break as a result of your ED? If it did, please try to up your calcium and vitamin D for your bones. And you sound so sad in that last part. Please don't think like that, life has its good parts too even if you can't see them at the minute or think there isn't. If it isn't too awkward or painful you can always email me and I will reply as soon as I get it.

    Stay strong ♥

  2. I agree with Little Miss Thin. B might not know how special he is to you. He might think differently if he knew, or he might not. Even if B isn't your prince charming, I'm sure you'll find him one day.

    A Colles fracture is nasty nasty. Poor you, I hope it wasn't in your dominant arm because that would make like so much more difficult!

    Funny you should talk about trains, lately I've been thinking of throwing myself in front of one and am becoming more and more convinced that it's probably the most safe way of ensuring suicide. Not that I'm suggesting that you do this for one moment! Please do not kill yourself! You are such a lovely person and so beautiful and thin. I really do hope you feel better about yourself soon.

  3. It must be so hard to watch the person you want so bad whisk off with someone else. I wish I knew what to say, but I'm sort of going through the same thing now. I always thought I'd be alone forever. Like you said, who'd want to be with a girl who obsesses over calories? But I've found that such people do exist. There are people out there who are able to see past that part of us, and see us for who we are apart from that issue. I hope you find that one day. You're amazing. Take care of yourself, lovely.

  4. I'm sorry about your wrist, and about what's happened with B. I've had similar experiences, when I opened up to someone who couldn't deal with all of my brokenness in the end. Let's keep faith that there's someone different out there, though. And for now, know that I think you're a lovely person, no matter what. xx

  5. I have an obsession with trains. In order to get to university I have an hour long train ride to the city central. I can't count the amount of times I've stood in the middle of that train station unable to move because I felt the need to get on the wrong train and escape.

    I honestly believe that there is someone out there for everyone. Maybe for you it is B, maybe it isn't, but no matter what you'll find that person. Patience is the key, even though it sucks.

    I hope you heal up okay,

  6. Take care of yourself and of your wrist honey (how about calcium supplements? no added calories but better chances of healing your radius well!)

    And sorry about B too... but... this doesn't necessarily mean you've lost him!

    lots of hugs


  7. look after yourself please! if the ed caused you to break your wrist, maybe look into some sort of vitamins? :/ as for b, it's his loss, you're lovely :) xo.

  8. I'm sorry about what happened with B. I had the same happen to me and it felt as if my heart was broken forever. But time heals and I learned how to lock those memories away deep in my mind together with some very bad memories, and never think about them. Well, almost never.

    Hope you start feeling better soon.
    Take care ♥

  9. sorry about your wrist, sweetheart. hope it heals soon!

  10. My love, I'm sorry to hear your sad about boy but I'm sure you can find a positive to every negative. Double Zero! How amazing! I hope things are going in the right direction. <3

  11. Your words are so beautiful, but so sad :( I think all of us can relate, take care of yourself, i'm sorry about B...i know the pains of heart ache, i know they're almost impossible to fight...but hang on in there <3 So much support, we are all looking for those train tracks xx

  12. Hi, I've recently started reading your blog. I obviously don't know you, but I can tell that you're a really lovely person. You also write beautifully. Sorry to hear about B - I know what that's like.
    Also sorry to hear about your wrist :( Please take care of yourself.
    Much love,
    AA xxx

  13. you'll definitely find a guy who will love you, with all of that. i have the food issues, anger, jealousy, guilt, cutting, and i found someone who loves me. i'm not even really thin yet, and he's loved me for two and a half years. from 100 lbs to 120 lbs back to 96 lbs. if i can find that, anyone can. just a matter of time, and hopefully you can stand strong until that time - but we know you can, you are strong. and you deserve that love. it will find you. =)

  14. I leave for a while and come back to this.
    You poor dear.
    I am so sorry to hear this has happened to you.
    I have missed you desperately and just wanted to inform you of my return. :)
    I hope your wrist heals speedily!
    Being in pain is no fun at all!
    Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

  15. Hi! I recently began reading your blog. I wanted to say that I love your writing. It is beautiful and inspiring. You give great descriptions. Also, I was unsure where to leave a comment for "A Thousand Voices", so I hope here is alright? My blog name is "Ana in the Rain" and a link to it is Thanks :) I really hope your wrist gets better! And about B? We've been there. You seem like a caring person, and you deserve so much! We're here if you need someone to turn to! :)

  16. You are more than welcome to join! Comment back on the Christmas Thin Challenge with how much weight you want to lose and I'll definitely add you!


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