pages from my journal
Unseen raindrops fall lightly around me, yellow rays from the streetlights weakly shine through the blackness and disappear. Navy dress and boots. Waiting has become a habit, my thinking time. Thoughts random and messy, distorted as if by a thousand mirrors.
Alex and Adrienne already in the backseat of S's car when I climb in. I barely know these people; they know almost nothing about me, yet see secrets I thought I'd hidden away. The colors of traffic lights, bright in the darkness, blur with the rectangular shapes of buildings and the world seems surreal. S is driving much too fast, as if we're running from life itself.
"You're anorexic, look at you," Alex comments, I deny, and it's impossible to decide whether he's serious. Later that night, when I'm no longer in the car, I know I'm still going much too fast.
The clock's hands pierce the black numbers, 11:11 pm. I wish for happiness, something I don't quite understand anymore.
Red lines etched over purple bruises and light skin. Burning and pain as the blood struggles to break free. A reminder. When Hunter asks what happened, I tell him, "I can't remember."
The scale says 104.
"She's always messing with her hair, she thinks she's so sexy," I hear these words, words like these for the very first time, I see the girl that said them, and my heart stops. So unfair, so inaccurate, I want to cry. I can deal with being called a bitch, fat, shy, but I am definitely not stuck-up or arrogant. And it hurts like hell, coming from the same girl that's always pulling out her makeup and brush, the same girl who once begged me not to cut my hair because "It's so pretty!", the same girl that inspired a club all about despising her.
I wanted to show her my scars, show her how I puke after bingeing, but most of all, I wanted to show her all the hurt and pain inside.
And I can't help but wonder if everyone secretly hates me. I try to be a good person, I truly do.
Little Miss Thin
Depressed Skinny Mess
for being everything I needed. I'll stay away from drugs, I promise. I hope you all are having a very lovely day, if you need anything, I am here, always.