Friday, November 4, 2011

red lines etched over purple bruises

pages from my journal

October 31st
Unseen raindrops fall lightly around me, yellow rays from the streetlights weakly shine through the blackness and disappear. Navy dress and boots. Waiting has become a habit, my thinking time. Thoughts random and messy, distorted as if by a thousand mirrors.

Alex and Adrienne already in the backseat of S's car when I climb in. I barely know these people; they know almost nothing about me, yet see secrets I thought I'd hidden away. The colors of traffic lights, bright in the darkness, blur with the rectangular shapes of buildings and the world seems surreal. S is driving much too fast, as if we're running from life itself.

"You're anorexic, look at you," Alex comments, I deny, and it's impossible to decide whether he's serious. Later that night, when I'm no longer in the car, I know I'm still going much too fast.

November 1st
The clock's hands pierce the black numbers, 11:11 pm. I wish for happiness, something I don't quite understand anymore.

November 3rd
Red lines etched over purple bruises and light skin. Burning and pain as the blood struggles to break free. A reminder. When Hunter asks what happened, I tell him, "I can't remember."

The scale says 104.

November 4th
"She's always messing with her hair, she thinks she's so sexy," I hear these words, words like these for the very first time, I see the girl that said them, and my heart stops. So unfair, so inaccurate, I want to cry. I can deal with being called a bitch, fat, shy, but I am definitely not stuck-up or arrogant. And it hurts like hell, coming from the same girl that's always pulling out her makeup and brush, the same girl who once begged me not to cut my hair because "It's so pretty!", the same girl that inspired a club all about despising her.

I wanted to show her my scars, show her how I puke after bingeing, but most of all, I wanted to show her all the hurt and pain inside.

And I can't help but wonder if everyone secretly hates me. I try to be a good person, I truly do.

Thanks to
Lucy's Shadow
Thin Thrills
Little Miss Thin
Depressed Skinny Mess
for being everything I needed. I'll stay away from drugs, I promise. I hope you all are having a very lovely day, if you need anything, I am here, always.


  1. we all love you, my dear. we love you so much... <3
    these entries are like a blow of coldness against my heart. i want to hold you and make they all destroy themselves for making you think that way. you're such a beautiful person, and i will not stand for anyone suggesting you obtain any ounce of arrogance. you are the sweetest of the sweetest, my jaded flower.
    and an inspiration, a true breath of sunshine.
    <3 i wish you nothing but happiness, which is non-existent if these dark times did not.

    -Sam Lupin
    i love you, sweetheart. please, take care of yourself.

  2. Your diary sounds like mine >< It aches me to read it, your such a wonderful person..i wish you didn't feel these things <3 We all love you very much xx

  3. we're all here for you as well! <3 stay strong, lovely, xo.

  4. You're lucky enough to be beautiful inside and out, which makes those other girls jealous. Don't let them get you down. Thank you so much for your posts; your writing is inspiring. Lots of love <3

  5. I can't imagine how anyone could secretly hate someone as lovely as you, except out of huge amounts of jealousy at your awesomeness. We all love you very much here.
    I'm worried about you, please no more drugs my dear. Bitches can go shoot their own heads off, you're amazing and don't forget it!

  6. people are simply jealous.
    because you're skinnier.
    Hell, even I am jealous of your BMI!
    Live fast sweetie, it's ok (but don't drive too fast please!)

  7. Your journal sounds so much like mine. It's strange that other people feel the same things. Live, I guess, in a similar way, through similar things.
    Take care of yourself. xx

  8. You describe things beautifully. I hope you're okay, love. Take care of yourself.

  9. she's only jealous, love. if she really thought you were any of the things she says, she'd wouldn't bother to notice you. sometimes beauty inspires vitriol. and it's just not fair at all.

  10. You're so beautiful, inside and out. I don't understand why anyone would truly hate you.


  11. It aches me to read your journal. You're a lovely girl, she's just jealous and tries to make herself feel better.
    We all love you.
    Stay strong <3

  12. Darling don't be so sad. Life runs away from us so unexpectedly. It becomes a constant race trying to catch back up to it, only to have it slip from our fingertips.
    You are so so so beautiful!! I've been where you are countless times and somehow I pulled myself out of the darkness. It still tries to suck me in daily and granted I sometimes lose my strength, but it is up to us to fight for happiness. Find something that makes you happy and feel beautiful, and just be...

    I'm always here for you <3

  13. People are so obnoxiously judgmental. I just hate that people think they have the right to assume everything about everyone. Those girls have no idea what your life is like and it is cruel to comment in such a way. If I were you, I'd be hurt too. I guess the only think you can do is try and move forward and be the best, most compassionate, non-judging person you can. If you don't perpetuate such behavior, the world will give good things back to you. You are so lovely and you don't deserve any of that.

  14. that was so amazing to read, like a poem. im sorry to hear about that girl, she's only jealous

  15. We love you, Darlin'. I know I haven't been on here in a while and I'm so sorry for that.

    You deserve to be happy, to live freely without restraints. All beautiful souls do.

    Hugs full of sunshine,
    xoxo E

  16. I think the other commenters are right -- people are just jealous and judgemental. At least you try to be a good person. Most people couldn't even be bothered to put in that much effort.

    Thank you for your comment on my blog. I can only hope my comment helps you as much as yours helped me =)

  17. A beautiful post... but hard to read. I understand, though I wish I didn't. People are cruel, for no apparent reason. I'll never understand the class of person who gets something out of ridiculing others. Live and let live.

    I'm sorry you deal with this.

  18. sorry i disappeared on u
    hope ur doing ok r u doing ok? hanging in there i hope
    ur journal entries wow

  19. I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to follow you, I only realised you were following me!
    Reading your words stirs emotions in me.
    I feel for you and I want to be here for you.
    You sound so beautiful, your blog looks so beautiful, you ARE so beautiful.
    You don't deserve that treatment you're receiving from that girl. She's obviously jealous but that doesn't excuse her behaviour.
    People can be so judgmental but the thing is, they just simply do not understand.
    We do.
    Please look after yourself and please take care.
    Love Anafly


Don't be shy, leave a comment. :) I'd love to hear your thoughts!