Tuesday, October 25, 2011

black and purple

Bruises up and down my arms, painful and purple. Only two yesterday morning, several more now, and I have no memory of getting injured there. Bruises up and down my mind, painful and black; blood wells below the surface of my skin, words I wish I could say hide inside my head.

We sit there, talking, without warning he says, "What do you weigh? Like 90 pounds? You're so fucking skinny," And I laugh. 104 pounds really.

And it seems that the more I lose, the more attention I get, not necessarily wanted. Walking down an empty hall, a guy passes and out of the corner of my eye I see him do a double take, mouth open. Another guy, same initials as me, asks for my number, accidentally washes off the pink highlighter while he's high, asks for it again. "Want to "study"?" he asks, emphasis and hidden meaning, and adds "Nice jeans,"

I can see white powder, contrasting with the darkness of the room, gray shadows of people against the walls. Heroin, I think. A sharp needle point, presses against a thin blue river curving on my arm, hand shaking, it breaks through. And I wake up, no puncture marks on my arm, just bruises.

Comment Replies
Judith Marie- An incredibly, beautiful memory, described so perfectly, I felt as if I watched it happen. Thank you so much for sharing it with me. I hope you have a very lovely day!
Sam Lupin- You know, I truly realize the power and beautiful of words when I read, experience, your writing. You bring so much light into my days, I hope I can shine just as bright for you.
jackie- Thank you for always being there for me, and for bringing me back when I feel like falling.
Depressed Skinny Mess- Thank you incredibly, you're right, I must stay strong, I won't give up.
Tempest- I agree, so many here in this community write with such beauty. I hope you have an amazing day, you deserve it!
alice ana- I've missed your comments, thank you for bringing a smile to my face. Major congratulations on being 98 pounds, you're beautiful inside and out. Please take care though, and I'll try to do the same. Much love.
Lucy's Shadow- Welcome back, you always inspire me to do my best!
the outside in to thin- I love your username, by the way. Thank you so much for your lovely words!


  1. As always, your posts leave me breathless. your writing is amazing

  2. Alex says that she thanks you greatly for commenting on her last post. She feels truely blessed to have you as a follower, and is amazed that you took the courage to console her in her darkest hour. Thank you xx

  3. Your words bring so much inspiration to my day. They always take me to a place that I've been before but long forgotten about. They have a way of resonating with the very core of me.
    Thank you for writing, and take care of yourself!

  4. Your writing is beautiful!

  5. After reading this post, I'm still shivering: AMAZING

    Will you mind if I post on drugs anytime soon? you inspired me, although I'm thinking about something very different.

    Being below 100 sounds like an impossible heaven.

    Stay strong


  6. No no no...Drugs are not good. Not good. Not good at all.

    You sound...dazed. Not exactly unhappy but unexisting although I know it's not a word. I wish you well. I wish you hope.

  7. Oh honey, I just read this and I want to hug you. I hear you on the unwanted attention- not from being too thin or thin though.
    I posted the recipe for my soup, it's in the archive under 'Skinny Girl Soup'.
    I hope you're okay <3

  8. what I really want to say:
    no no no no no. don't do drugs. drugs are bad and you are good and you cannot do drugs. please don't. don't do drugs. don't hurt yourself. no drugs. no drugs. no drugs.

    what I will say:
    I love you. and you should love you too. or at least agree to the principle that someday there is a possibility of you loving you. and when that day comes (and it will) you want to have the best chance at recovery you can have. so be careful, please.
    it's my friend you're hurting and i love her very much.


  9. Your beautiful. Please realise. You write like no other and you are incomprehensibly irreplaceable. Be safe. <3

  10. Don't do drugs sweetie, trust me, they will make matters worse :( I can understand about the un-wanted attention bit, no matter what we do, there is always going to be un-wanted attention :( Stay safe gorgeous xx

  11. I hope you're okay. I'm thinking of you.

    Much love,

  12. I love how you write, the way you express yourself is fantastic, I hope that you never do drugs because those things destroy you. stay safe and healthy! :) btw something weird happen to my blog
    here is the new one, it may say u follow me so unfollow me and then follow me again. :)


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