Sunday, August 28, 2011

dancing like nobody is watching (Cinnamon Brown, please read!)

I'm sorry I have been away for a while, I promise to catch up on your blogs soon!

Trapped behind these thin glass walls of a mirror, alone with your thoughts, it gets isolating. And when you shatter the barrier, even for just a few hours, you'll find that in the other world, things are bright and colorful and alive, sharply contrasting with the dark hollow place you left, hollow like an empty stomach and the space between your hipbones.

I've swallowed the beat of the music, it pounds inside me along with my beating heart. My body moves of its own accord, free, escaped from its bonds. The crowd of bodies, indistinct in the darkness, pressing against me, pulsing, forming a single mass of movement. Laughs, shouts mingle with the words of the song. And I dance like nobody is watching, not even myself.

To Cinnamon Brown, (If anyone has her email address, I'd love it if you sent her a link to this post)
I'm sorry this has taken me forever to post! I am incredibly, incredibly sad that you have left blogger, but I am happy that you are moving on and devoting more time to your life. I miss you so much, you helped me hope and learn and smile. Your warm advice and friendly, common sense, humor, and kind words carried me through some of my darkest times. You are one of a kind, truly unique. I cried when I read your comment and found out you were leaving. You will always be in my heart, I promise. Even if we have never met in person, I think of you as one of my friends. If you ever need anything, I am always here for you. Thank you, for being you. I hope that you will find what you are searching for in this life. Wherever life may take you, I send my love and caring with you. <3

Thanks to
Bonjour Bones !
Sam Lupin
Lucy's Shadow
Clear Girl
Little Miss Thin
Nichole S.
Dotty Mcilduff
for giving me strength and caring and kind words. I hope you all have a very lovely day, I will catch up on your blogs very soon!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

I never thought I would be the one

I never thought I would be the one to find myself, index finger forced to the back of the throat, my knees against the cold white floor tiles, surrendering. Looking in the mirror afterwards, I was surprised to see watery eyes and tears from the effort of purging. And then I cried for real.

I had ran four miles, breathing in out, in out, right knee painfully bending, unbending; and somehow decided this gave me permission to eat. God, I didn't know it was possible to binge on meat.

Purging, it seemed so wrong, an incorrect answer to a twisted problem. It's a path disguised as a shortcut, leading to a terribly wrong place. But I know I would do it again. And again.

Thanks to:
lottie x
Olivia Lee
for your lovely comments and kind words. Your support truly means the world to me.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


She screamed while they sewed up her mouth, until she couldn't anymore. The girl we were babysitting slept in the other room, my friend and I watching the sick scene of the horror movie, me wishing I could sew up my own mouth.

Exercising like crazy, eating like crazy. Addicted to the feeling of tight and strong muscles after running four miles, my hand on my chest to feel the wild pulse of my heart while playing tennis, constant soreness in my abs. Addicted to granola bars and strawberry jam.

Restless in mind and body. Painting lashes with upward strokes, a dark line of black against them, then realizing I would rather not go out. Pacing endlessly in all directions, counting as I go through the up and down movements of sit-ups.

I'm getting somewhere, I can feel it.

Please don't let me eat.

Thanks to:
Olivia Lee
Jane Pansy
Sam Lupin
Little Miss Thin
for commenting. Your support means the world to me. <3

Saturday, August 13, 2011

not ready

The rough carpet scratching against my bare back, his weight on top of me, kissing through the taste of energy drinks and the tired confusion of 4 a.m. I don't want to be here, but there's nowhere else I'd like to be.

"God you're the hottest girl I've been with," he says, his green eyes meeting mine, a line he's probably used dozens of times on dozens of girls, but I'm okay with that. His hands are rough over my body. I wonder if he has a condom, if he can feel the ridges of my hipbones pressing into him through his jeans, if he can hear the pounding of my heartbeat. And it's strange how lonely I feel while so physically close to someone.

He reaches to pull his zipper down, but I reach for my shirt. And I leave before I can make another decision I'll come to regret.

I wasn't ready, and I won't truly be ready until I'm comfortable in this body.

Thanks to 
Sam Lupin
Little Miss Thin
Thin or Not
for commenting.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011


The tape measurer winding its way around my body, for the very first time.
Chest: 31 inches
Waist: 24 inches
Hip: 33 inches

"Size double zero right?" she asked as she reached for a pair of dark blue jeans, on a shelf too tall for my height of 5"3. "No, zero," I said.

We strive to be something, by trying to become nothing.

A spoonful of yogurt, the rest thrown away. Uneven, jagged edges of a half-eaten apple. A bite of chocolate, spitting it into the trash. Food gets terribly boring, uninteresting. I'm finally truly tired of eating.

Please click here to help Riley Children's Hospital, thank you Skinnygirl for not only raising awareness about this, but actively working to help save lives.
Comment Replies:
HeatherMB- I'm sorry to hear about your knees, I hope they get better! The elliptical seems like a really good workout, I've never tried it though. I hope you have a lovely day!
Sammy- Thank you so much for your comment, you made me smile. (:
Dani- I'm sorry that you had to throw your scale away, his concern for you is truly touching though. I still hope that you find a way to negotiate with him about having a scale, maybe in a month or so! Thank you for your comment!
Skinnygirl- The link is above, I'm glad you are doing this. (:
A Girl with Tiny Intentions- Thank you for commenting, I hope you have a lovely day!
Cinnamon Brown- When I was a kid, I would throw my vitamins down the AC vent things, I had the Fred Flintstone vitamins. It's good to hear that the vitamins helped you stay relatively healthy at your lowest! Thank you for commenting!
RaeLynn- Thank you, your comment made me very happy. I love running cross country and I'm glad you did too. (:
Little Miss Thin- It's great to hear that you did cross country too! And I think the girls on these blogs are like a team, like family, and you're part of that too. (:

Friday, August 5, 2011

cross country

I see the world through eyes that don't seem to belong to me anymore, a long road ahead, raindrops of sweat dotting the sidewalk, the vagueness of houses and trees that recede as I run past. Like reindeer pulling Santa's sleigh, we run in pairs of two, lined up behind each other, our bright shoes against the pavement creating a rhythmic pounding. Legs, arms, body in constant motion. The uneven spurts of words, talking, dies out. My heart is bursting out of my chest, each breath I take requires me to think, I feel intensely alive and ready to die. Pain clouds my thoughts, I hide in memories, memories of kisses, memories of laughing, disassociating my mind from this body.

Words of encouragement shouted, gasped by the girls around me are better fuel than food. Numbness in my legs as we sprint towards the finish line, a pole. Collapsing onto the grass, the solid ground, we've made it, we've finished, together.

And for the very first time, I really truly understand the meaning of a team, to me, it means family.

Comment Replies:
crashxDburn- I agree, I also loved Wintergirls. It really gives me thinspiration and provokes a lot of thought each time I read it. I hope you read Wasted sometime! Thanks for commenting!
Cinnamon Brown- I love the way you put things, everything that seemed complicated, chaotic to me, becomes much clearer and less overwhelming when I read your comments and insight. Thank you for the comment!
Honor Regzig- "I think real self-acceptance also means accepting that these thoughts will always be with us and learning how to integrate all our parts into a whole". Amazingly well said, thank you. It truly made me think. Thank you for your comment!
dayofmine- Wasted was definitely hard to put down. I also would like to read some of her other novels, like Center of Winter.
Dani- I hope you get a new copy soon, I randomly read through mine frequently. I hope that one day, we can escape into a brighter world, it's hard to survive while we live in the mirror.
Sammy- "For one, I'm tired of not being able to write my own story, but let this ED splutter out splotches of ink to cover up the words I've already written, the promises I've made, twisted the words until lies were painted upon the paper." Beautiful. You truly are a wonderful writer.
kes- I hope you read it sometime, it's definitely worthwhile! I agree, I wish everyone could have a truly happy ending.
Pralinka- If you ever write your own book about your ed, please send me a copy, I'd love to read it!
thin_thighs- I'll check it out, it sounds really interesting. I hope you're doing well, and I hope you have a lovely day! <3
jackie- I haven't read too many books about eating disorders, hopefully we'll both find more good ones. (: Thanks for your comment!
Haley- It's almost impossible to put Wasted down! I love how you read it in Barnes & Nobles. Thanks for commenting!