Friday, August 5, 2011

cross country

I see the world through eyes that don't seem to belong to me anymore, a long road ahead, raindrops of sweat dotting the sidewalk, the vagueness of houses and trees that recede as I run past. Like reindeer pulling Santa's sleigh, we run in pairs of two, lined up behind each other, our bright shoes against the pavement creating a rhythmic pounding. Legs, arms, body in constant motion. The uneven spurts of words, talking, dies out. My heart is bursting out of my chest, each breath I take requires me to think, I feel intensely alive and ready to die. Pain clouds my thoughts, I hide in memories, memories of kisses, memories of laughing, disassociating my mind from this body.

Words of encouragement shouted, gasped by the girls around me are better fuel than food. Numbness in my legs as we sprint towards the finish line, a pole. Collapsing onto the grass, the solid ground, we've made it, we've finished, together.

And for the very first time, I really truly understand the meaning of a team, to me, it means family.

Comment Replies:
crashxDburn- I agree, I also loved Wintergirls. It really gives me thinspiration and provokes a lot of thought each time I read it. I hope you read Wasted sometime! Thanks for commenting!
Cinnamon Brown- I love the way you put things, everything that seemed complicated, chaotic to me, becomes much clearer and less overwhelming when I read your comments and insight. Thank you for the comment!
Honor Regzig- "I think real self-acceptance also means accepting that these thoughts will always be with us and learning how to integrate all our parts into a whole". Amazingly well said, thank you. It truly made me think. Thank you for your comment!
dayofmine- Wasted was definitely hard to put down. I also would like to read some of her other novels, like Center of Winter.
Dani- I hope you get a new copy soon, I randomly read through mine frequently. I hope that one day, we can escape into a brighter world, it's hard to survive while we live in the mirror.
Sammy- "For one, I'm tired of not being able to write my own story, but let this ED splutter out splotches of ink to cover up the words I've already written, the promises I've made, twisted the words until lies were painted upon the paper." Beautiful. You truly are a wonderful writer.
kes- I hope you read it sometime, it's definitely worthwhile! I agree, I wish everyone could have a truly happy ending.
Pralinka- If you ever write your own book about your ed, please send me a copy, I'd love to read it!
thin_thighs- I'll check it out, it sounds really interesting. I hope you're doing well, and I hope you have a lovely day! <3
jackie- I haven't read too many books about eating disorders, hopefully we'll both find more good ones. (: Thanks for your comment!
Haley- It's almost impossible to put Wasted down! I love how you read it in Barnes & Nobles. Thanks for commenting!


  1. team truly does mean family
    i totally agree with you
    I really wish I could run
    but my knees collapse/give out...
    least i have an elliptical

  2. and i will always be happy to call you family. <3 we love you. such a heart-warming post.
    *blushes* you make me feel very capable with words. which puts me at ease. i hope all is well and remains well...<3

  3. a team is a great thing to have to know thatn o matter waht they will alwasy b there for u supporting u and pushing u thru

    unforutnally there is no negotiating with the boy and my scale will never get it back its prob in a land fill by now yes he made me pack it up then drive me to a dumpster and made me get out and throw it out hardest thing ive done

  4. dear I love your writing it is beautiful can you do some thing for me?
    could you go to my blog and read the post titled click away and then repost it on your blog with my blogs adress cause you have a ton of followers please I would owe you big time :)

    also I am following you now

  5. Thanks for the lovely comment((: I love your writing. I'm so running tonight now haha

  6. This post made me want to grab my trainers and hit the tar! (road, not cigarettes!)

    Thanks for the lovely comments, I love hip bones, too. Even when I was at my lowest, I still got my period and I didn't lose my hair. My idiot-mother did one good thing for me, every morning I was given a powerful multi vitamin. At least if I ate nothing else all day, I had that. Just make sure you take your smite-a-mins and drink your water and you'll be OK. Love you. <3. XXX.

  7. OH MY GOSH this was beautiful! I did cross country in high school for 3 years, all of us suffering/having fun together really did make us a family, you captured it wonderfully well. this was so cool to read, you really are a talented writer! RaeLynn

  8. I hated cross country but you make it sound so beautiful. I also never 'got' team sports but this makes me long to understand to be part of a team x


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