cross country

I see the world through eyes that don't seem to belong to me anymore, a long road ahead, raindrops of sweat dotting the sidewalk, the vagueness of houses and trees that recede as I run past. Like reindeer pulling Santa's sleigh, we run in pairs of two, lined up behind each other, our bright shoes against the pavement creating a rhythmic pounding. Legs, arms, body in constant motion. The uneven spurts of words, talking, dies out. My heart is bursting out of my chest, each breath I take requires me to think, I feel intensely alive and ready to die. Pain clouds my thoughts, I hide in memories, memories of kisses, memories of laughing, disassociating my mind from this body.

Words of encouragement shouted, gasped by the girls around me are better fuel than food. Numbness in my legs as we sprint towards the finish line, a pole. Collapsing onto the grass, the solid ground, we've made it, we've finished, together.

And for the very first time, I really truly understand the meaning of a team, to me, it means family.

Comment Replies:
crashxDburn- I agree, I also loved Wintergirls. It really gives me thinspiration and provokes a lot of thought each time I read it. I hope you read Wasted sometime! Thanks for commenting!
Cinnamon Brown- I love the way you put things, everything that seemed complicated, chaotic to me, becomes much clearer and less overwhelming when I read your comments and insight. Thank you for the comment!
Honor Regzig- "I think real self-acceptance also means accepting that these thoughts will always be with us and learning how to integrate all our parts into a whole". Amazingly well said, thank you. It truly made me think. Thank you for your comment!
dayofmine- Wasted was definitely hard to put down. I also would like to read some of her other novels, like Center of Winter.
Dani- I hope you get a new copy soon, I randomly read through mine frequently. I hope that one day, we can escape into a brighter world, it's hard to survive while we live in the mirror.
Sammy- "For one, I'm tired of not being able to write my own story, but let this ED splutter out splotches of ink to cover up the words I've already written, the promises I've made, twisted the words until lies were painted upon the paper." Beautiful. You truly are a wonderful writer.
kes- I hope you read it sometime, it's definitely worthwhile! I agree, I wish everyone could have a truly happy ending.
Pralinka- If you ever write your own book about your ed, please send me a copy, I'd love to read it!
thin_thighs- I'll check it out, it sounds really interesting. I hope you're doing well, and I hope you have a lovely day! <3
jackie- I haven't read too many books about eating disorders, hopefully we'll both find more good ones. (: Thanks for your comment!
Haley- It's almost impossible to put Wasted down! I love how you read it in Barnes & Nobles. Thanks for commenting!