Saturday, July 30, 2011

"you never come back, not all the way"

"You never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad."
-Marya Hornbacher, Wasted

My copy of her memoir is like origami, a thousand little folds in the top corners of pages, marking profound ideas and phrases I wanted to remember. Reading the words over and over, it creates a strange sort of emptiness inside, full but still starving, as if I've tried to satisfy my hunger with freezing ice water. She tells her story so well and so completely, it feels like I've lived her life and experienced the horrors. Her world seemed confused and dark, the images unfocused, as she ripped and tore away the realness of being human with wants and needs; becoming sharp ribs and bones holding up a nearly dead body like the framework of a damaged house. And it's terrifying and fascinating to see how far she went, 52 pounds at 5'3, almost inspiring to know it is possible to lose half of myself and still come out alive, though partially dead.

There is no truly happy ending to her story, and there will never be a happy ending to anorexia or bulimia, and we know that, and we probably knew before we slipped into the mirror, but it'll take all our strength to break our way out.

Comment Replies: 
Little Miss Thin- Thank you, you are so sweet!
jackie- I've missed you bunches, I'm glad you are back! That made my day, I'm sure we'll both be able to wear them soon. (: I hope you have a lovely day!
Kat- Thank you for your kind words and positivity! I hope you have an amazing day.
Dirk Gently- Thank you, you're so nice!
Ellaveigh- I agree, tomorrow can always be better. Thank you for commenting!
More Than Me- Thank you, I hope you have a lovely day!
Lucy's Shadow- Thank you so much!
amelia- I hope you're having a lovely day also. Thank you!
Princess Perfection- Your comments always make me smile so hard. Thank you for being you! (:
time to pretend- Thank you incredibly, you made my day. I am doing better now, thanks to all of the lovely support from amazing people like you. <3
S.- Thank you so much for your comment! (:
becca;- "Hope is always there, sometimes we're just looking in the wrong places," so true. Thank you!
A Girl with Tiny Intentions- Thank you, I hope you have a lovely day! (:
Camille- It sounds like a really great job! I will definitely look into it. Thank you, I hope you have an amazing day!
EWC- I'm very glad you're back, we've missed you!
Dani- Thank you, I hope that everything is going well for you.


  1. That's deep. I need to read that book. *nods* The only ED related book I've read thus far is Wintergirls, which I found to be a really fascinating read.

  2. Well, as I always say, there is no cure, just management. We must learn to manage our disorders, otherwise they could ruin or ultimately take our lives.

    When we can no longer stay in control, it is up to us to ask for help. If we cannot, hopefully our loved ones will do it for us. The important thing is that we NEVER give up!

    Thanks for the comment, so glad you like! <3. XXX.

  3. True, no happy ending, I think my buddy Mich compared it to going thru Mordor and you just can't return to normal. Your brain has just seen too much.
    Yea even when fat I'll have these thoughts. Hell these thoughts are why I notice my weight at all. I can't be blissfully unaware of what a show i'd give peeps if I wore booty shorts ^_^
    From what other bloggers have said it seems the "professionals" encourage us to fight against these thoughts.
    But I think that only puts us further at war with ourselves.
    I think real self-acceptance also mean accepting that these thoughts will always be with us and learning how to integrate all our parts into a whole.
    That's what I'm trying to do anyway.
    <3 <3 <3

  4. I read that book and was impressed with it. I couldnt put it down after I had started it and I saw so much of myself through those pages. I would like to see how her other novel is in comparison, though it deals with a different topic.

  5. i love her book i lent out my copy never got it back pissed me off i need a new one
    but it is so right we will alwasy in some sort of a way b halfway into this world and neve ever b able to fully escappe yes we can leanr to fight the thoughts learnt o eat a lil healthier an dnot b as crazy with the help of meds but it will alwasy b there wating fo rone some moment one small slip up to sneak its way back in and pull us back down into the dark world

  6. I have never read that book and 52 pounds at 5'3 sounds That's not even half of me. I think you have to multiply 3 times and add a thousand more just to get to where I feel like I'm at right now.
    Books are beautiful. They convey words that I want to express and the ink I write in is pretty distorted and surreal. I don't feel like it's me writing. <3
    For one, I'm tired of not being able to write my own story, but let this ED splutter out splotches of ink to cover up the words I've already written, the promises I've made, twisted the words until lies were painted upon the paper.
    To love and forever cherish you, sweetheart. <3

  7. I've thought about reading Wasted but I just haven't got around to it. I really should make the time... I wish there could be a truly happy ending. For everyone.

  8. I think I should read wasted, because I'm thinking about my own book about ed.

    By the way, I really like your style, it's unique and I read your blog so often and I just wonder..if we could follow each other.. But even if your answer is “no” I’ll be still your reader ♥ I know what is ED because I had it some time ago. Now I'm fat. So please, follow me because I need some motivation to loose weight!

    with love,

  9. I love that book you should check out hunger point as well im on that one right now. how have you been?

    stay strong <3Jess

  10. that sounds like a good book. I'll have to check it out.
    anything else you recommend?

  11. Oh my gosh, I picked that book up in Barnes&Nobel and ended up sitting there reading it for 3 and a half hours. I could not put it down, it's so relatable.


Don't be shy, leave a comment. :) I'd love to hear your thoughts!