Thursday, July 7, 2011

"don't fall, I see lights in the distance"

My size zero shorts are falling off my hips, I'm afraid to carry anything in the pockets, in case it might weigh them down completely. 

I've started running again. As I run on the treadmill, I feel like a hamster on an exercise wheel. I'm stuck, chained to this machine, I'm not allowed to get off. My legs are burning and my lungs struggle for air, I disassociate my mind from this body, I can't feel the pain because it isn't really me running. I ran three miles today, half a mile further each day. 

I'm avoiding the scale, the last time I weighed in, I was 100 pounds. I don't bother, no matter what number it is, I'll never be happy.

All this work, effort, progress, it feels so pointless. I'm addicted to chasing a destination I'll never reach. 

Does anyone know where Jordan, who used to write The JDawgManifesto, went? I'm worried about him.
Thank you incredibly for your comments on my previous post. All your concern and kind words really made me feel cared about and happy. I'm sorry I couldn't reply to comments individually, I was in a hurry for preparing for a 15 hour flight tomorrow morning.
lottie x 
Little Miss Thin
Princess Perfection


  1. i don't know where Jordan went but i tried 2 see his blogger and it wouldnt let me :( i get freaked wen people stop posting and wat not xoxox

  2. Honestly, happiness is overrated. There are moments when we are happy and free and we forget about the numbers that plaque our thoughts, we forget about the obsessiveness of body image and bones, and we can just laugh. I love to laugh. I wish that I could fill my life with laughter. I just read your last post and I am worried. I truly believe that the obsession for perfection should not compromise your health. There are people who care about you and love you and want you to be around for a LONG time. I'm one of them! And I get it, believe me I get. I love the feeling of knowing that you are pushing your body to it's limits and it's physically acting out and fighting you. It's the sense of being on the edge, it makes you feel alive! So please please please take care of yourself. Sorry for the rant. And congrats of the weight!! I wish that I were a size zero, and yours are loose!! Amazing!

    Stay beautiful...and HEALTHY <3

  3. I wish I could give you a real hug! I know the addiction feeling it completely takes over everything. Are there any belts that fasten smaller than a size 0? I get annoyed because belts in this country barely get down to a size 2(UK6). If you have any pretty ribbons, they're good for using as belts - I seem to have loads of them that I use to reinvent old tunics which are ridiculously big or shorts/trousers that seem to fit me on the legs but then are 2 inches too big on the waist/hips. I wish I could drag you out of the unhappiness you're feeling at the moment sweetie, I try to envisage a beautiful vista with a warm summer sun and a light breeze, it always calms me anyway. You're wonderful - try not to forget that!

  4. cling to any hope you have dear and it will somehow pull you through:(

  5. Keep fighting, you must never give up on happiness.

    / Avy

  6. God youre so thin... im so jealous. I wish you could be happy, and it really makes me sad that youre not. Just take a moment to smile and know that youre loved :) Best wishes!

  7. Keep fighting, my love.
    You are stronger than this thing.
    You have SO MUCH to offer this world.
    You are the reason that I am so positive now.
    I look up to, admire, and respect you for all that you do and all that you have done.
    Do not give up this fight.
    I will not let you.
    Hang in there. <3

  8. Wow you're really thin, you've done it!
    I know it's never about losing weight, it's deeper than that, but please stay safe, try to stay a bit healthy, and don't be too harsh on yourself, you're beautiful, don't give up now...

    Good luck <3

  9. i absolutely adore out and missed you so much.
    i am so sorry to read these posts and realise i was not there in any way for you when you needed it.. i wish you lots of love, happiness, and health! at 97lbs i somehow remained entirely functional and healthy.. it just depends on how quickly you lose the weight. when i lost it slowly, i was perfectly healthy. then when i hit a really dark spot last week i lost 3lbs in 5 days, to get back to my lowest weight, 97lbs.. on that 5th day, i was drained. exactly like your post when you fainted.. just try to lose a little bit slower than you are now, and concealing the nausea and faintness will be so much easier.
    also, catching up on your posts tonight, really struck something in me. before and after those previously mentioned 5 days, i've been.. inexplicable. bad, good; fat, thin; full, empty.. but i feel as though you've clarified something for me. i'm going to start posting again tomorrow, and i will do picture posts (maybe not that tomorrow though.. not feeling good at all) and i will get under that stubborn lowest weight. and i really owe a lot to you! i missed you =P thought about you a lot during my 'away time', this whole part of me.. tried to ignore it.. defintely did more bad than good. you know, i would love to meet you one day, even though neither of us know each other's real names =P with similar stats and goals, almost identical, i think we'd have loads to talk about and a lot in common, including the fact that i had ablong distance boyfriend for almost 10 months.. anyway i'm babbling on, ahah i know you have other people to respond to too! just finally feel somewhat happy, thanks to you, after three weeks of darkness. =)

  10. i understand that feeling of feeling like you'll never be happy. but just hang in there. a glimpse of joy is headed your way


  11. Nothing is pointless love. You should be focusing on how to feel good. Think about it. Does working yourself to death feel good? There's got to be other things that make you feel good. Even something that just keeps your mind off food, but doesn't put so much strain on your body.

    I'm not saying you should change your ways, I'm just looking out for your sweetie. I don't want to see anything happen to you <3

  12. ive never ead that blog so i cant help u there
    um try a belt hun i wear a belt on allm y swize 0 pants i sitll end up pulling them up alot but it helps a lil

  13. Oh hun just remember you are beautiful i bet you really are..and i know you may not believe me because those voices wont let you bt im gna say it everyday and hopefully we all reach *that* goal...take care xxx

  14. Ullalexie's blog seems to have vanished too. It's not coming up for me anyway. :(
    I've never read Jordan's but I get why it's scary when a blogger disappears. You don't know if they're just caught and sent to fattening farms or if something truly horrid and irreversible happened.

  15. Hang in there! Your shorts are loose, so your efforts definitely weren't pointless!

    And I totally agree about the scale. Mine's been frustrating me, so I'm giving myself a temporary break. Anything to keep you saner, right?

    I hope today is treating you well :)

  16. hope you have a wonderful trip and I'm so glad this summer has been treating you well.


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