Saturday, October 27, 2012

deeply imperfect

I dreamed of walking on an ethereal beach, a narrow strip of sand between a sheer charcoal cliff and an ocean of clear swirling waves. The shallow sea was tinted with the sheen of faint rainbows. In the distance, the sun rested on the horizon, a sunrise or a sunset or maybe neither. Pink and gold glazed the sky and shimmered over the water. I was weightless, leaving no footprints on the sand, as if I had not ever existed. I felt such happiness, as if the world had become simple. In another dream, a boy I had once known but forgotten, looked at me, turned to his father and said, "Some things never change." He was right; despite anything I do to my body or my life, I'll still be here, somewhere inside. I've always been me, even when I tried so hard to change, as if changing would erase my unhappiness.

"You're really pretty!" she said randomly, and I reflected the compliment back to her, wishing I knew if her words were meaningful. I'm not pretty anymore, not on the inside nor the outside. I am worn away, weak, soft, tired. And I want to come back to control, obsession, my life in the past, even though it was often filled with dissastisfaction and a coldness that penetrated sharply, freezing my mind. At times, it was comforting, stable, and rewarding, and I miss that. I want to waste away, though I know I will still be deeply imperfect.

105 pounds, aiming for 89.

Much love and thanks to
Little Miss Thin
The Lovely Bones
Judith Marie
Lucy's Shadow.


  1. I'd been waiting to read at your space. Satisfied today. :)

  2. That dream sounds beautiful. I hope you're okay darling.
    Take care.

  3. I love reading your posts- that dream sounds exquisite :) xx

  4. You have managed to put into words a feeling that really has no name. And really, you do inspire me a lot. Everything you say resonates deeply within me and I'm glad that you've kept writing. "I want to waste away, though I know I will still be deeply imperfect." That is exactly how I feel.

  5. Sometimes dreams are so vivid, so confusing.
    Most days I remember a lot of my dreams, I think that's why I loved so much the movie Inception. (the dream is collapsing - how right those words can be!)



  6. This is lovely. You write very beautifully.

  7. your blog is very good and interesting. maybe follow? keep in touch!


  8. I love dreams because they're an alternative reality. It's like being able of feeling completely alive for a while. Lovely. XO

  9. Hey here is my new blog url, since I had to delete my old one.

  10. This is my friends blog from Hungary, Léna.

    And I love your blog, too!

  11. Thinking of you. I hope you are doing all right. <3
    Be brave love.

  12. Your writing is so beautiful and poetic. Good luck sweetie.

    Please take a look at my blog.
    It would help very much i f I got a little more feedback, and I think you could really like it, too :)
    That would make me really happy! <3

  14. I found your blog nearly three years ago. The way you write your thoughts was simply intriguing and beautiful. I have often wondered where you went and if you would ever write again. It scares me that you haven't written so long since this is a hard road we live on and anything could happen. If you are alive please write. You have an audience waiting. Seeing your feelings placed so delicately with words that fill the imagination is just so amazing.
    It would be great to hear you are doing okay, but if not prayers would be sent up to heaven for you. I have prayed and hoped that you're alright through out the years.
    Whoever you are, you're beautiful. You've found a way to put yourself out on a limb and write and that is wonderful. I know that goals and reality can send a person to the uttermost bottom sometimes. And you're goals on here were hard... I know by experiencing my own battles. Something I learned was that you just have to roll with the punches.
    I wish you the best my friend on wherever God and life takes you.


Don't be shy, leave a comment. :) I'd love to hear your thoughts!