Friday, April 29, 2011

fasting girls

"Fasting girls" was a term used in the Victorian era for young girls who claimed to survive without consuming any food. They were regarded as miraculous, a curiosity, companies rushed to exhibit them. Many cases of these fasting girls appeared in the 19th century, several became famous. 

It makes me wonder how the attitude toward anorexia/eating disorders changed so drastically, from "miracle" to "disease". 

Maybe we should have lived during the Victorian era.

Comment Replies:
SimplyHeather- Yup, he is definitely one of my inspirations. :) Thank you for your comment, hope you have a great day! 
Cara- Congrats on 3 years! :) Guys have it so easy, they can eat a whole buffet restaurant and still stay stick skinny. I agree, it makes me wonder how they can stop caring and just let themselves go once they're in a relationship! I hope he will see past the flaws, thanks so much for your comment! :)
TheJDawg01- I'll find out in the summer if J and me will work out. He seems too easygoing to handle a messed up girl, so I'll try to hide the tough times from him. Awww thank you, that made me feel happy! :) And yes, that is your blog! 
Britni Marie- Thank you for your comment, it made me smile! :) I hope you have an amazing day, you deserve it!
-christy-- Hopefully everything will work out! Green eyes are gorgeous, I haven't seen a guy with green eyes in a while. Thank you so much for commenting! :)
thin and bones- I really hope that will happen! And you're right, I need to stay realistic, not too hopeful. Thank you very much for your comment! :)
FeatherWeight- I'm really sorry about what happened, you didn't deserve to be treated like that, you deserve a loving guy who treats you like a true princess. Long distance relationships are hard, sadly. Thank you for commenting! :) By the way your comments always seem to go into spam, I don't know why!
Ana's Addict- Congrats on you and your boyfriend! I'm glad he makes you happy, I can tell he definitely loves you very much. He seems really sweet and caring, he sounds like a keeper! :) Thank you so much for commenting! :)

Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and read my posts! Stay beautiful! 

Thursday, April 28, 2011

"All because of you I haven't slept in so long"

"when I do I dream of drowning in the ocean
Longing for the shore where I can lay my head down
Inside these arms of yours"
being light enough to be carried easily is an extreme motivator

Oh and by the way, check out this blog, for a laugh or a good read, if you're feeling stressed. He's a really friendly guy.

Do you love anyone currently, or miss someone like crazy? Do they notice your eating habits (lack-of-eating habits)? 

I'm feeling lonely so I'll share my story about J. Classic story of girl meets boy, they fall in love, boy dumps girl, girl is sad. 

Almost two years ago, I fell hard in love and haven't been able to get up ever since. I wouldn't say it was love at first sight, but pretty close. The first thing I saw was bright blue eyes, such a contrast to my dark eyes, and I was instantly very attracted. (Guys with dark brown hair and blue eyes have always fascinated me.) I could go on and on about how amazing I thought J was, but basically he was funny, smart, caring, attractive, kind, and genuinely interesting. He told me he promised himself once that he would never get angry or lose his temper for the rest of his life. J made me feel cared about, special, telling me what all guys tell their girlfriends, showing his friends pictures of me even the ugly pictures.

After a few short weeks, it was time for J to return to his home about a 1000 miles away, but our relationship continued. He called almost daily, we once spent 7 hours talking on the phone, about anything and everything. I foolishly believed that we could overcome the barriers and troubles that the distance presented. He broke up with me nicely, I was barely listening, feeling disconnected from reality. He called an hour later to make sure I was okay. 

The next 3 months of silence, no communication killed me. He called out of nowhere, on Christmas Eve. No mention of "where have you been", we fell into our old routine easily, it felt like he'd never left.

Fast forward to now. After months of sporadic contact, we're meeting again this summer, in about 50 days, I'll be with him for 3 weeks. It's my chance, I'm depending on those 3 weeks. My life right now is 50% eating disorder, 50% wanting J. 

I need to be perfect, partially because of him. I have never told him any of my problems, I've done my best to hide my flaws, the instability of my mind. I need to keep up the illusion, he wouldn't want me if it broke. Nobody would.

Comment Replies:
thin and bones- You're right, a good cry can help sort things out! Thank you so much for your support! :)
Skinny_legs- Your comment did help cheer me up! I took a walk and the exercise made me feel a bit better. Thanks for your comment. :)
DietCokePlease- Hi new follower! Thank you for your comment and your support! :)
lucy hart- I'm glad you understanding my reluctance and fear towards touch, thankfully I'm taking steps to move past that. Yup, I'm also grateful that I'm not alone, we'll never be alone in this beautiful, supportive community. Thank you for your kind words! :)
thinlypure- I'm glad you have a great support system! Your friends sound very sweet. Thanks for your comment! :)
MadelinaCooke- I agree, I also get most of my comfort from bloggers. You're right, people outside this community can be judgmental, so I've never told anyone. Thank you for your caring! :)
lulu- I'm glad you liked the Thousand Voices post. :) Stay beautiful sweetie!
-christy-- I'm glad you have that friend to help and support you. Thank you so much for your caring! I'm really sorry about the messed up link on the Thousand Voices page, I think it's fixed now. Thanks for telling me! :)
Ana's Addict- I'm jealous of your hair, red hair is absolutely gorgeous. I wish I had a paler complexion. Thanks for your comment! :)
FeatherWeight- Thank you, your comment made me feel much better, like chicken soup without the calories! :) I hope you have an amazing day!
GraceyJ- Yup I hope we both don't get those moments often anymore! I hope you have a lovely day, you deserve it! :)

Thank you for taking the time to read this post! Have a wonderful day! Stay beautiful! :)

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

"cause all the shoulders on which to cry are gone"

You know that moment when you've given up, when you want to disappear from this world, when everything just seems wrong. Unfortunately, we've all been through or are going through tough times, but thankfully, we all have people we can rely on, to make the world seem right again. Friends, family, and fellow bloggers.

I've always had a shoulder to cry on, both literally and figuratively, even when my tears soaked their shirts. I really dislike crying, because of the red, swollen eyes, the flood of unhappiness, but I cry too much, gone through countless tissues. I try not to anymore, but when I do break down, it reminds me that I have amazing people in my life who care about me and support me no matter how lost I feel.

Whose shoulder do you cry on?

And if you ever need someone to talk to, someone to just listen, you can email me. I'll always be here for you.

Comment Replies:
jackie- Thank you, I had an amazing time at the beach! Wearing a bikini was very insecurity-inducing for me, but I used it as motivation. Thanks for your comment! :)
-christy- - Thank you for commenting! :) I wish people would notice I'm uncomfortable with touch, but I don't want to be rude and tell them. I'm glad you understand. I added your blog to the Thousand Voices page, (near the top, because of the punctuation in the title) I'm sure it'll be great inspiration for others. :)
an<3nym<3ous- Thank you for your caring! I had a very good time at the beach. Thanks for commenting! :)
SimplyHeather- I try to avoid laying out and tanning, because I'm already quite tan from tennis. Walking or running on the sand is a great workout! I'm planning to weigh myself in a few days, I like seeing a good-sized drop in numbers. You're right, I hope the next time, it'll be a good experience. :) Thank you so much for commenting! 
Cinnamon Brown- Traditions are great, I always like stability and unchangingness. Your holiday movie traditions sound amazing! I actually watched a horror movie today, still a little mentally scarred. Thanks for commenting! :)
Neeska- Thank you so much for your comment! You're right, I shouldn't let what he did ruin my want for love and affection. I also need to learn not to push people away. Your insight always helps me out and keeps me strong. :) I hope you have a very wonderful day! 
diluer_est_beau- I'm insanely jealous of your closeness to the beach! 3 minutes?! Amazing. I've always wondered if people who live at the beach get tired of it, but probably not, because the ocean is infinitely gorgeous. I went to a beach on the east coast, but the weather was also nice here. :) Thanks for commenting!
thin_thighs- Congrats, 600 burned daily is great! I love how exercising raises our metabolism, so we're still burning calories even after the workout. Thank you for commenting! :)
unbeautiful- Thank you, I had a great time! Have an amazing day, you deserve it! :)
incense- Thank you for your comment! I'm glad you understand about the touch thing. Sure, I'd be happy to check out your blog! I added it to the Thousand Voices page. :)

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment! I hope you have an absolutely amazing day!

Monday, April 25, 2011

beach, here I come!

Tomorrow morning, I'm headed to the beach with my friend (Sue) and her family. Really excited about that, I need a vacation so badly. Made cookies for them, didn't eat a single one. Still 104.5 pounds, so seeing my body in a bikini will be good for me, make me avoid any food, food is bad, it'll hurt my body.

I burnt 732 calories by exercising today. I love the feeling after an intense workout.

Ever since it, (do not read the link, or the next few sentences if you are likely to be triggered), I've hated, despised the feeling of human touch. Everything. Hugs with friends, holding hands, accidental brushes. When my friends try to give me a hug, I shrink back, I don't return the hug, because I can feel his hands all over me again. Even when my piano teacher was moving my hand into a certain position, I almost blacked out, I couldn't breathe.    But today, I want to be close to another person, to feel someone else's warmth. I crave touch. Not necessarily in a sexual way, I just want, need what I've been missing hating avoiding for a very long time, too long. 

SMILE, you deserve to. :)

Comment Replies: By the way, is anyone's comments not showing up? There's some that keep ending up in the spam box. I reply to every comment, including those left on old posts.
kes- Me too, I'm also searching for more blogs to read! I get sad when they haven't been updated in forever, it makes me wonder where they are now. Thanks for commenting!
GraceyJ- I adore shopping, I'm excited to buy a few more shorts and dresses in a lower size. :) I hope you have a great time shopping when you drop a few sizes, which will be soon! Thanks for commenting!
-kat- Thank you so much for your comment! I'm very happy that everyone is so kind in this community, it really impacts our lives with positivity. I'm glad people take the time to comment, so I try to comment back! :) 
FeatherWeight- Thank you so much for your comment, it made me smile. :) I hope you have an amazing day, you deserve it!
Cara- I'm glad that we all have our own unique perspectives. :) Variety is the spice of life, according to the writing on a mug I once saw. Thanks for commenting!
Almost Alex- I'm happy you're prioritizing and I hope you get your paper done! Thanks for commenting! :)
TheJDawg01- Thanks, I'm glad that you think we're friendly. I had a good laugh about your post today. Thanks for the comment! :)
Just Jessica- I'm sure you are very strong. :) Thank you for your comment, I hope you like the blog links!
Moonlighit Mistress- Thanks for following, and the comment! :) Have an amazing day!
Little Jo- I didn't know green meant fasting, or the other colors, I might make a green bracelet. I'm glad you're wearing an ED bracelet, I hope more people do, so we can identify others and know we're not alone. Thanks for commenting!
alice ana- Thank you very much for commenting! I started mine for those reasons also. :) Ahhh I'm insanely jealous, please tell me all about the concert when you go! And take pictures please! 
Ana's Addict- Thanks so much for commenting! I'm glad you like the page, I'm sure your blog and the others listed there will help inspire and motivate others. :) I agree, I''m proud to be part of this amazing community. 
Tempest- A thousand thank-yous for your kind words. Your support and sympathy means so much to me. I will remember your words "Some scars are ok". Thank you, thank you so much, I needed this understanding and help tonight. I hope you have a wonderful day, you deserve it!

I've added more blog links to the Thousand Voices page, I hope you enjoy reading them! :)

Sunday, April 24, 2011

A Thousand Voices

Thousands and thousands of us writing our thoughts and ideas, writing about anorexia, EDNOS, bulimia, and other eating disorders. We want our voices to be heard, remembered, to inspire others. We search for others like us, for support, we don't want to be alone. There's so many of us, it could never be counted, and the numbers grow each day. 

We may have different goal weights, come from different countries and areas of the world, and have very different lives, but I'm proud to say that we all crave control, we desire perfection, we aim high for what we want, what we need. I'm proud to say that I have yet to see any of us say anything cruel or hurtful to another with an ED, I've only seen kind words and friendliness. I'm proud to say that every one of you is caring, supportive, and strong. 

So stay beautiful, everyone.
New Page: READ! 
I added a new page, called A Thousand Voices. I don't know if it's a good idea yet, but let's see. It's a list of links of inspiring, beautiful ED blogs, because our voices need to be heard and remembered. I added a few, I'm far, far from done. If you'd like your blog added, just leave your blog name and url in a comment. Please spread the word, I want to record as many as possible.
Comment Replies: (Even if you commented on an old post, I'll reply in the next post I write.)
unbeautiful- I'm glad you like it, it's currently my favorite. :) I'm also in love with a band called Rise Against. Thanks for commenting!
Nikki- Congrats on fitting into those jeans!! I can tell you have a lot of willpower. Thanks for your comment! :)
Honor Regzig- Thank you for your post today, it made my day to know that she's back. I love how your blog is inspired by her. :)
GraceyJ- Thanks, I'm very happy about that! :) I half hope I don't completely outgrow all my old clothes though, buying a new wardrobe would be expensive. Thanks for commenting!
Dragonfly- Thank you! You're almost there also! :) I hope you have an amazing day!
kes- It felt amazing, I hope to get even lower. I love them, I hope they release a new album soon. Thanks for commenting!
Ana's Addict- Thank you! :) I'm glad everyone's blogs are motivating today. Yes you're right, you do have the willpower and you can do it! The pain will all be worth it. I'm glad that you recognize that you are worthy of a size zero, you definitely deserve it. I hope you had an amazing Easter also! Thanks for commenting!
alice ana- Size 1 clothing is hard to find in my area. I own 1/2 jeans (I think it's halfway between 1 and 2). Congrats on being a size 00! There's triple zero on AE?! Buying those would be extremely motivating. Thanks for commenting!
lottie x- Thank you! :) I hope you have a wonderful day, you deserve it!
thin_thighs- I hope you had an amazing Easter! I'm excited for those workouts and low cal recipes! Everyone, check out the workout on her blog! Thanks for commenting! 

I hope you've all had a wonderful Easter! Thanks for reading. :)

Saturday, April 23, 2011

"so I will go on until the end"

They are one of my favorite bands.

Goals cannot be met without willpower. Strength. Control. Effort. But in the end, it will all be worth the pain you felt, because let's face it, starving isn't easy. 

What gives you the strength to go on, what gives you motivation to continue? Is it an ana buddy, thinspiration, etc? For me, I'll go on no matter what, because I set my mind on this, because I crave it like an addiction, like an innate instinct. All of you motivate me more than you can imagine, knowing I'm far from being alone in this, being alone is absolutely terrifying for me. Loneliness is possibly one of the worst feelings in the world, I doubt I'd be sane if I couldn't share my thoughts on here.

For about 3 hours today, I shopped with a friend and ended up getting several things, including a necklace that I've wanted ever since I saw a friend wearing a similar one. I wore a size 0 dress to the mall, which felt incredible.

Comment Replies: I hope you all have an absolutely amazing day today, you all deserve to have a great day, everyday. So make today the best it can be. :)

TheJDawg01- I found your email on your profile, I'll message you. You seem like a really nice person.
Olivia Lee- Thank you darling! :) I hope you had an amazing day!
skinnyjeans- I hope to stay binge-free for a very long time. Exercise is always a good solution! Thank you very much for the advice! Thanks for commenting!
unbeautiful- Thank you for your comment! The sticky notes picture is also one of my favorites. :)
Alex- I'm glad you liked my post! I'm excited too about my hipbones. :) One of my favorite bones. Thanks for the comment! 
GraceyJ- Thank you for the comment, you made me smile. :)
becoming nothing- Thank you so much for commenting! I'll try to make it the best spring break ever! I hope you have a great day! :)
Almost Alex- Yup I absolutely love shopping, it's a huge passion. Also, 3 hours of it burns about 335 calories for me. Thanks for commenting!
-christy- -Thank you for commenting, I had a great time! :)
Sofia- Thank you for your comment, I'm glad you liked it! :)
Ana's Addict- I'm very glad you liked the post. :) I'm positive you possess the willpower and control to accomplish anything that you want! Good luck on your liquid/water fast! I love that quote, it's so true, thank you for sharing it, I'll definitely remember it. Thank you so much for commenting, I always love hearing your insight and kind words. Have a wonderful day!
Skinny_legs- I'm very glad you liked it! Thank you for commenting! :)
jackie- Thank you very much for commenting! I smiled at your comment. :)

Friday, April 22, 2011

let's make today the best it can be

Today was a beautiful day.

Still at 104.5 lbs, but at least I'm maintaining. 

A friend invited me shopping tomorrow, very excited about that!

Spring break has started.

I think that I'm seeing faint signs of hipbones. 

I hope to see ribs soon.

I hope you've had an amazing day too!

Thank you, so much to everyone who helped me yesterday. I honestly never imagined that I would get so much support and kindness and understanding; it moved me to tears, of happiness. Your support has helped me make a huge step towards getting through this. I can't adequately put into words how much I appreciate everything you all have done for me.

Comment Replies:
Olivia Lee- Thank you so much! Your support and kind words made me feel much less alone and helped me get through yesterday. 
GraceyJ- Oh, I wasn't sure what was making the comments come up as spam. Sometimes comments appear in the spam box hours after they were posted and I don't discover them until much later. :(
Neeska- "You don't have to get over it," Thank you thank you thank you, that helped me more than you can imagine. Everything you said truly helped me, made me feel valued and cared for. Your concern and sympathy, as well as your advice, made me feel stronger, and made me feel incredibly glad that people like you exist. Thank you, we need more people like you in this world.
-christy- - Sometimes telling secrets, or just blogging about it, really helps. Thank you for your help, it truly made me feel better.
SimplyHeather- Thank you for your help, your support means so much to me. 
FeatherWeight- You're right, sharing it did help release it. I'd give you a thousand thank-yous if I could. Your support truly makes me feel less alone.
lulu- You still have snow?! I'm proud of your dedication to working out 6 days a week, that takes determination. 110 sounds like a great weight for you! You must be very thin already, since people estimate you at that weight. :) 
Ana's Addict- You have no idea how relieved, how much better I felt after reading that it's normal to react that way. 'Thank you' multiplied by a thousand! You are truly a sweet person, thank you for taking the time to make me feel much better.
jackie- Thank you for your caring and sympathy. And thank you especially for saying that it's not my fault, it chased away my feelings of guilt and fault. I promise I won't forget that. You made my day a million times happier. I'm very grateful for your support, it means so much to me.
unbeautiful- Thank you for taking the time to give me caring and support, it helped me very much. You're a 100% right, trying to forget it won't help and I need to work through it. Thank you so much for the link, reading all the comments on the page made me feel less alone. I'm very grateful for all your kind words.

I want you all to know that you are absolutely amazing, beautiful people, inside and out. Thank you.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Pandora's Box

I keep my secrets locked tightly in a box in a distant portion of my mind, but they strain to escape and poison the rest of my thoughts. I'm terrified of someone opening the box, like the myth of Pandora, her curiosity leading to terrible things. I want to unburden myself, give some secrets away, but that would be like asking someone to reach into Pandora's box and take whatever they wanted. They wouldn't want it. Lesson of Pandora's Myth: Always put warning labels on boxes filled with awful things. 

So here's something from my box. 

I was 12 years old, a timid, stupid innocent girl. One afternoon, I was in the library, working on a group project. He was one of my partners and we sat together at a computer researching something awfully boring online. Then he reached across to get a paper or something, I don't really remember, and his hand rested on my upper thigh. I didn't think anything was wrong with that. His hand stayed there. I was shivering now. He started to feel I hate describing this. He pulled me onto his lap, I was afraid and my heart was crashing around with panic, I made eye contact with someone in the library pleading with my eyes for help. I was shaking with discomfort and a bit of fear and he asked what was wrong. His hand crept up the back of my shirt and he touched my back. He tugged down my shirt to see my chest, to feel. Stop. I can't write this anymore, that would make my memory real and vivid. Let's play pretend, imagine it never existed. But sometimes, I still feel his lips on mine, and I want to rip my mouth apart, to bite my lips until they bleed, to erase them, I want to scratch my body scratch away his touch tear away the memory, rip open the invisible scars so I'll be satisfied that I don't belong to him, I'm not his. 

Oh gosh, I need to stop overreacting, get over it. I should have known. I'm extremely sorry today's post wasn't motivating or positive, I'm really sorry. I'll do better tomorrow.

Comment Replies:
Thank you unbeautiful, Alex, jackie, GraceyJ, -kat., an<3nym<3ous, Just Jessica, FeatherWeight (your comments somehow end up in the spam section, don't worry I'll make sure they get published!), -christy-, Neeska, and Ana's Addict for commenting. I'm incredibly sorry, I usually reply individually to comments, I just don't have the strength today. Please forgive me. But I truly appreciate every single comment, they make me smile, make my life better, one by one, especially on days like this. 

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

smiles are priceless

No matter how many times you give a smile out, you'll never run out. So smile. :) 

New BMI for yesterday's new weight of 104.5 lbs is 18.5. According to the website, below 18.5 is underweight range, and 18.5-24.8 is normal. So I'm technically standing on the line, of "normal" and "underweight". My GW will give me a BMI of 16.8. 

What's your BMI?

Today, I felt like a princess. Minus the castle and a knight on a white horse. But still, I felt gorgeous wearing a new short white dress that somehow made me look thinner and prettier, and gave me confidence. I received many compliments, which was just amazing and I was feeling so warm and fuzzy, it felt like a bunny was living inside me. 

Comment Replies: Thank you for commenting on my last post! I'm giving you all a guaranteed honest compliment.

jackie- I love reading your blog, because you are incredibly charismatic and it shines through in your writing. Your friendliness and caring is gorgeous, and you have a gorgeous face to match (I read some of your old posts and saw a picture you posted, I swear I'm not a creeper though!) Your inner and outer beauty is truly inspiring.
GraceyJ- You were the very first person to comment on my blog, when I had just started writing it and your comment definitely helped motivate me to continue. You're an inspiring person and I really admire your determination and your willpower. You have lots of personality and a great writing-style.
time to pretend- Thank you for the compliment! :) I admire your incredible self-control. Your blog shows that you are obviously a sweet, caring person, which is something to be very proud of.
Neeska- Thanks for the compliment! :) Your blog is full of lovely, inspiring thinspo, which is very motivating! Your writing is true and honest and feels like you're speaking directly to the reader, makes me feel like I'm sitting next to you while you talk about your day. I can tell you're truly a unique person.
FeatherWeight- I was reading your blog, and noticed that you do ballet and yoga. Dancers are so gorgeous and graceful; you're a dancer, so you inspire me. :) You are a wonderful writer, I loved the poem on the left side of your blog, it has a lot of meaning. 
determined girl- Blogs reflect the person who writes them. Your blog is gorgeous, inspiring, sweet, and optimistic. You are all those beautiful things and I hope you can see what a great person you are. <3
Africana- You must be a very special person, because you've built yourself an amazing life. An awesome husband, a happy family, and a great job. You are truly successful. I envy your strength, keep it up. :)
Alex- Don't worry, you're not vain, you deserve to feel good about yourself, because you have many reasons to. :) You are an absolutely amazing girl. I wish I knew someone exactly like you in real life. Your comments always bring me fresh insight and strength and your blog makes me feel less alone and I enjoy reading it very much.  
unbeautiful- Your username is wrong, you ARE beautiful, inside and out! I envy your ability to write poetry and I love your overall sense of positivity and optimism on your blog, it makes my day better.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

you deserve to be told


A genuine compliment is one of the best things in the world, they make you feel loved and happy and special all at once. They come when you least expect it, a beautiful surprise. A compliment is powerful, because you connect with another human, you let them know you appreciate them in your life. 

Just a few words like...
"Your hair is gorgeous,"
"Your smile is beautiful,"
"I think you're such a nice person,"
"I like your outfit,"
"Thank you for being a great friend"
"You're so skinny,"
can save someone's life.

Compliments cut straight through me...and go right to my heart, they really do. It makes my day, even my week sometimes. So today, give one genuine compliment to someone. Spread the happiness, I'm sure they will return the nice gesture one day. :)

Comment on this post and you get a free, genuine compliment. I'll look through your blog or profile and give you an honest compliment, because you all deserve one. :)

Comment Replies: 
Alex- Everything's alright in my neighborhood, I'm very thankful. I also have a suspicion some of those pictures may be altered. I agree, I've never personally experienced too much of a "good thing." I can never have enough good grades, money, friends, love, or happiness. Thanks for the comment!
GraceyJ- I'm envious of your height! 110 lbs sounds like a perfect weight for you! Thanks for commenting!
SimplyHeather- Thanks for the concern, most people are doing fine. :) Natural disasters are terrible. Thanks for commenting!
Nikki- Welcome new follower! :) You're right, I also think there's a difference between thin and sick. Thanks for commenting! 
time to pretend- I agree, I also have no desire to look like a complete skeleton. Wow what a coincidence! I wonder if I know you in real life! I hope everything's okay in your neighborhood and that nothing was damaged at your house. The tornado was awful, just terrible. But it did bring out the good in many people and I'm happy that we're all helping each other. Thanks for the comment!
Caro- I absolutely love "Savior" too! I love many of their songs, "The Strength to Go on", "Good Left Undone", and much, much more. I'll listen to Bright Eyes, I like listening to new bands. Thanks for the comment!
an<3nym<3us- I can relate to how goal weights get lower and lower. I used to want 105 lbs, then 100 lbs, and now it's 95 lbs. Thanks for the concern, my neighborhood is fine. :) Thanks for the comment!
Skinny_legs- I am completely terrified of growing hair (lanugo, or something like that?). I love what you said, "Thinner is better". Better too thin, than too fat! You were actually outside during a tornado?! You must be very brave, I'm glad you're okay! Thanks for commmenting! 
Little Jo- Yup, looking ill isn't that great. I think it'll be hard to know when to stop. Thanks for commenting!
nymph- You're almost there! :) I wonder who invented BMI, and if it's really reliable. Thanks for your comment! 

Jumped on the scale today... The needle hoovers between 104 and 105. I estimate 104.5 pounds. 9.5 more until my goal. Let's do this. 

Monday, April 18, 2011

does "too thin" exist for you?

Do you feel like there's a limit on how far you can go before you consider yourself "too thin"? 

My goal weight is 95, I know that it won't be too skinny. I'll most likely want to go lower once I get there. I've never actually seen a "too thin" girl in real life, ever, so I'm not sure if there's a limit on how far you can go. There is a friend of mine that weighs 89 pounds and is 5 ft 4 (I'm almost positive she has an ED). However, she doesn't look unhealthy at all, she has plenty of hair, and her clothing looks great on her. I'm an inch shorter than her, so I'm pretty sure I can still be safe if I aim for 90 pounds. I'm far from becoming extremely skinny (last time I weighed, I was 106 lbs), but I'm waiting for the day when I'm standing on the line between very thin and "too thin".

I got 9 beautiful hours of sleep last night and still craved more this morning.

A tornado hit my town over the weekend. I have only heard of one confirmed casualty, but several neighborhoods were destroyed and I'm praying for everyone to be safe. My power is back, but one of my friends won't have electricity until Wednesday.

Comment Replies:
jackie- Your concern meant more than you can imagine to me. Thank you so much, it made me feel  much better as soon as I read it. I took your advice and ate more today and my body is feeling less weak. Thank you again, you're truly a great person!
EWC- Thank you, you truly helped me get through my period of insanity. I hope you are having an amazing day today, you deserve it, for improving my day yesterday and today!
Caro- Rise Against is my favorite band! What's your favorite song of theirs? I hope you get another bracelet, I'd love to be able to identify others wearing ED bracelets while I'm wearing mine! Thanks for commenting!
Nichole S.- Crying does help me too, it's like the emotions are pouring out with the tears. Thank you very much for commenting, I'm glad you understand how I feel, it makes me feel less alone.
Ana's Addict- Thank you so much for your comment, it really made me feel better! Exercise is a wonderful idea, I think I read a study where it was proven to lift people's mood. I'm glad you're feeling light today! :)

I'm much better today, thank you so much to everyone who either read or commented yesterday. You guys keep me going.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

full of insanity

I can feel the weakness inside me, it's growing stronger, getting bigger. I'm so tired, there's no energy left in me. My body feels dead but my mind is more alive than ever. Delirious thoughts rip through me and emotions overflow from a too small cup. Why isn't my mind shutting down. I want to yell, to scream, but my throat is painfully sore and raw. I'm anger desperation loneliness sadness hate fear panic depression exhaustion all rolled up and molded into one messy single emotion. I'm pathetic. Help me I want someone with me, someone to sit with me while I cry, someone to hand me tissues and pat my back and lie and say "Everything's alright." I don't want anyone near me, to see me like this. My insanity must stay hidden, nobody can see it, it's not real if I can't see it, if I don't acknowledge it, if they don't know. I want to stay hidden, I'm not meant for this world, it's overwhelming. I'm crazy, crazy, insane. I'm a mess. It's one of those days.

How are you guys feeling today? Have you ever felt literally insane? How do you deal with it?

Comment Replies: Sorry, I'm a bit messed up today, I'll try to reply to everyone in my normal manner. 
EWC- Thank you so much for your comment! :)Yup, it's always nice to be reminded that not everyone sucks. 
Unknown- I think it's very cool that you were in a film! May I have your autograph? :) That's so sweet of the people who offered help to you. Thank you for commenting, sorry that this post is negative, usually I try to add in some positivity! 
Ana's Addict- It's not sad, you deserve those compliments. :) Accept them with pride. :) I wish I had a digital scale. Congrats on weighing "E"! ;) Thank you very much for your comment!

Saturday, April 16, 2011

random acts of kindness

Yesterday, I was walking through out of a building, when I lost my grip on the heavy black binder I was carrying. It was windy, so all my papers flew everywhere. There was a stereotypical group of guys that looked like and acted like "gangsters" near the door, the kind that talk loud, the kind who don't care about anything, wear sagging pants, get into fights, and hate people who are different, the type I generally try to avoid. I thought the guys would laugh at me, make fun of me. They rushed to help me pick every single one of my papers. And they told a guy who wasn't helping, "Hey help her, it's your job." I couldn't believe it, I was truly touched by their act of kindness. The unexpected caring from a stranger is the one of the best things in this world.

What's a random act of kindness that you've experienced?

I stayed at a friend's place last night, so I couldn't post. I don't know how many calories were in the dinner we ate, because it was a foreign food. It tasted good, but I can't stand eating something without knowing the calorie intake. It drives me insane, not knowing.

I weighed myself on her scale, and it said 102.4. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure that her scale is inaccurate, and that my scale (which said 106, the last time I weighed) is accurate. It makes me wonder, how to tell which scales are correct.

What kind of scale do you have (digital or not)? Do you weigh different amounts on different scales?

Comment Replies:

determined girl- Thank you for your comment! :) I resist it by smelling it and imagining that I taste it, so I feel like I've eaten.
becoming nothing- It's one of my favorite thinspo pics. :) Whoa, seven other people? I'd love that, like a constant party! Thank you so much for commenting! Good luck on your goals too, I know you can do it! :)
Skinny_legs- I think I might get a friendship bracelet in red also, one day, that's a good idea! I dislike a lot of frosting, because it tastes extremely sweet, but I usually try to avoid major binge foods too! :) Preventing a binge is more important than fixing a binge. :) Thank you for your comment!
Alexa_K- No, I'm sure you are stronger than me. :) I once made cookies that looked literally like meat patties, because I substituted a lot of ingredients. No temptation there! :) Thanks for your comment!
Sofia- That's actually a random picture of a cake slice I found on the internet, but it is a beautiful picture. :) Thank you so much for your comment, it inspired me!
Heather Frost- Thank you for your comment! I hope more people also get a bracelet, so we can identify each other and know that we are not alone.
Neeska- It's one of my favorite things to do also. You sound like a great chef! :) My sister tastes things for me. Thank you so much for your comment!

Thank you for reading this post! You guys are amazing! <3

Thursday, April 14, 2011

making cakes feels ironic

Cake is like a pretty decoration, not for eating.

This afternoon, I had an insane craving, an intense need to cook something. I wanted to make something delicious, something that tasted absolutely amazing, and not eat a single bite of it. So I made a cake in the microwave, feeling very ironic the entire time. You're supposed to avoid food, not make it, I thought. I gave it to my sister and she loved it. And I didn't taste a single bite.

Do you cook for fun? Do you have any favorite low calorie recipes?

Recipe: (Warning: do not eat! High calories, (approximately 200) this is just for cooking cravings!)
2 tablespoons flour
1 tablespoon sugar
1 teaspoon sugar
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
2 teaspoons cocoa powder
1 pinch salt
1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 tablespoons milk
add any random things you want (I added semi-sweet chocolate chips and chunks of Oreos.)
1. Mix all the ingredients together in a bowl, any order you want, stir very well.
2. Spray a non-stick spray into a microwave safe cup.
3. Pour cake batter into the cup.
4. Microwave for 30 seconds. Then microwave in intervals of 10 seconds, checking to make sure it hasn't overcooked and turned rubbery.
5. Add frosting on top, to make it pretty
It's obviously not high-quality, as it was made in the microwave in about a minute, but it satisfies cravings for cooking. And it's fun to decorate the cake! 

I absolutely love cooking food, and not eating it. It feels productive and it makes me happy when other people enjoy what I made. I also feel in control, because I refuse to eat anything I cooked.

Comment Replies:
EWC- I'm glad you're going to start wearing one! :) It's my hope that I'll meet another person on the street or in a random place wearing an ED bracelet. Thank you for commenting!
jackie- Wishlets sound like a great idea! I might make one or get one. Yours broke, because you have the strength and determination to reach your goals yet, and you're getting there. :) Thank you so much for your comment! 
Tai- I agree, the bracelets remind us that we are not alone. What color do you wear? Thanks for your comment! 
ToxicwastEDgal- Your bracelet will be gorgeous! I love the bone charm and feather charm idea, they are wonderful ways to symbolize your goals. Thank you for commenting! :)
anonymous- (sorry, couldn't get the hearts in your username to appear!) I didn't realize that many people outside of the ED community knew the meanings of the bracelets. Thank you, I'll be careful! :)
Nicole S.- That's a smart idea! I keep a separate white ribbon in my jewelry box for measuring my waist. My goal is to have a waist smaller than the ribbon length. Thank you for commenting! :)

I hope you all have had an amazing day, because you all deserve it. :)

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

"these triggers ache for the touch, where's the strength we relied on"

I wear a pink and white braided bracelet, for EDNOS. (I do not currently meet the complete criteria for anorexia yet, which includes 3 consecutive missed periods.) Bracelet for ana is red, bracelet for mia is purple, EDNOS is pink. Seeing my bracelet on my wrist reminds me of my purpose and goals and keeps me strong, makes me remember that all around the world, others are wearing a bracelet like mine, for the same reasons, I'm not alone. I like having a bracelet to symbolize the thoughts in my head and my lifestyle, because tangible things reassure me, because they exist, they're real. It helps stabilize my unstable world.

Do you wear an ED bracelet? Have you seen anyone wearing one?

I'm planning to weigh myself next week, so I'll work extra hard and stay motivated for the scale. Obsessively weighing myself and still seeing 106 lbs isn't very inspiring... I need to do better.

Meal Plan Tomorrow:

Breakfast: throw away
Lunch: nothing
Dinner: unavoidable
Exercise: 2 hours of tennis

Comment Replies: Thank you for taking the time to comment, it inspires me and I love hearing all of your input.

jackie- I love the new Marie Antoinette quote you made! I think it's amazing how a few simple words said by her were remembered after many, many years, and are now famous. Your reason is inspiring to me, any reason is good, we're working towards a similar goal for different reasons, but the end result will be simply amazing for us both. Thank you for your comment! :)
Alex- I can definitely relate to the wish to disappear! I'm impressed by your determination, and also your vocabulary (intrinsic). :) Thank you so much for your comment!
Skittles- Avoiding neuro-degenerative senescence and less risk of cardio-vascular and digestive disorders are very good reasons. Becoming thin is beautiful and healthy! :) Thank you very much for commenting!
Alexa_K- That is a good reason! I'm glad you are working towards feeling positive about yourself and living a happier/easier life in general. :) Thank you so much for your comment!
sizeless- Thank you so much for commenting! Your comment made me smile and brightened up my day. :) We can and we will do this beautiful challenge. Good luck on your goals, I'll be reading your blog!
Olivia Lee- It's cool how you own the bikini in the picture! Thank you very much for commenting! :)
Tai- Thank you for your comment! :)

Thank you for taking the time to read this post! :)

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

"there's a reason, to give it all"

Restriction. Obsessive calorie counting. Exercising until the point of exhaustion and collapse. Starving for days. Lying. Throwing food away. Why do we do all this? For me, it's for much more than looking hot in a bikini (though that is a motivator!), it's more than wearing Size 00, more than getting envious stares, more than having hipbones and ribs. Yes, those are all a huge part of my reasons, but it goes deeper than that. 

It's about finding myself, underneath this body that isn't mine, that doesn't seem to belong to me yet, but will be mine. It's about having the precise, exact self-control of a machine. For the sharpness of mind and senses that comes with hunger. It's about making myself disappear, destroying the parts of me that I no longer want, not just the physical parts, but the parts of me rooted deep in my mind. It's about attaining perfection, both in mind and body. 

I've already posted this picture, but it's so gorgeous, it deserves being in two posts.

What's your reason? 

Comment Replies: Thank you so much for taking the time to comment! I love all of your comments and truly appreciate every single one!

Alex- Swimsuits make me uncomfortable too! I used to be completely un self-conscious in one, as a kid. I'm sure you'll look absolutely amazing in one this summer! Thank you for your comment! :)
Neeska- Victoria's Secret is a great store! You should definitely buy that bikini. We're both going to turn heads at the beach this summer! :) Thanks for commenting! 
Nichole S.- Your determination is motivating! It'll definitely pay off. :) Thank you so much for your comment!
Vasilikie- I live for summer weather! Soon, hopefully, I'll live for wearing a bikini. :) Thanks for your comment! Good luck on your goals! 

It was my sister's birthday, so I had to eat cake today. I estimate around 400 calories. :( Luckily, there's no more birthdays coming up soon, so no more cake! Oh crap, except this weekend, when I'll have to eat cake again for her birthday party. I'll play tons of tennis, which burns 500 calories for 2 hours. 

Thank you for following my blog! :) Every one of you helps me stay on track! I hope you all hve an amazing day! 

Monday, April 11, 2011

bikini=ultimate test

I bought a plain black bikini swimsuit, exactly like the one in the picture above. Ha if only I had exactly her body. The price was amazing, $6 for the top, $6 for the bottom. I tried it on and I had a mini heart attack when I looked into the dressing room mirror. I'm definitely not fit to wear a bikini yet. 

At the beach, I always feel like people are looking at me, judging my stomach, my thighs, my body. I'm so self-conscious. The thought of wearing a bikini motivates me incredibly. Once I hit my goal weight (95 lbs), I will have model-like confidence in a swimsuit, hopefully!

What type of swimsuit is your favorite (bikini, bandeau, one-piece, etc)? Do you feel confident in a swimsuit at the beach or at the pool? 

Comment Replies:

Neeska- A muscular, athletic build is gorgeous! You will be strong AND thin! :) Thank you for your comment, it motivated me! 
Alex- I love the "destination in mind, but no end in sight" sentence! 100 is a pretty number! Good luck and thanks for the comment! :)
lulu- Congrats on having a four pack! That's amazing! I'm sure the other 2 will appear soon. Good luck and thank you for the comment! :)
Alexa_K- Thank you for commenting! :) I think we'll always be setting lower and lower goal weights. Good luck on yours, and we can do this! 
GraceyJ- Thanks for commenting! I think I'll also want to go lower, because success and thinness is addicting. I'll always want to be a pound lower, even when I do hit the GW.
nymph- Congrats, you're almost at your goal weight! :) I'm positive you will weigh the same as her one day, or possibly even lower! Thanks for commenting! 
EWC- I love how we have the same goal weight. I can't wait until we both feel weightless! Thanks for the comment! (:

Thank you for reading this post! :) I wish you all luck in reaching your goal weights and a congrats ahead of time for reaching your goal weights, because I know you all have the courage and strength to reach them.

Leave a comment if you want, I'll always reply in the next post! :)

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Am I there yet?

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" I used to ask, on long road trips to far away places. But now, I think am I there yet, am I there yet before stepping onto the scale. I'm impatient, I never saw the importance of patience. I want instant gratification, things to happen immediately.

What's your goal weight and how did you choose it? 

My goal weight is 95 pounds. I've never gotten that low, but I'm determined to. I know I can do it. I'm expecting to see ribs, hipbones, collarbones, a flat stomach, tiny arms, basically a perfect body at 95 pounds. If I'm not satisfied, I'll just go lower. 

Comment Replies:

Neeska- This sentence that you wrote "We are infatuated with the negativity of our lives, constantly pointing out our imperfections, that we forget the good things that fill our lives", is beautiful and extremely true. Thank you very much for your comment! :) 
nymph- I'm glad you'll try it! :) Thank you for commenting! 
Sofia- I'm positive that soon you'll have a gap also. :) Your comment made me very happy! Thank you so much for brightening my day and making me smile. :) 
jackie- I can definitely relate to the whole love/hating yourself on certain days! Thank you for your comment! (:

I hope every single one of you has an absolutely amazing day. You deserve it. (: 

Saturday, April 9, 2011

list of positives, list of negatives

Today, instead of being negative about our bodies and ourselves, let's be positive and critique ourselves less harshly. I know it's unrealistic to expect to be completely positive and have that "love yourself!" attitude all the time, but let's try to think that way today for once. :)

So I will make 2 lists, one about my positive traits, one about my negative traits.
You should make these 2 lists, also. :) 

5 Things I Love About Myself

1. My long, straight hair (past my boobs, almost to my belly button) that I think is beautiful, sometimes.
2. The gap between my thighs.
3. My ability to find cute clothes.
4. My strong love for the people in my life.
5. The fact that I'm reasonably intelligent.

5 Things I Dislike About Myself

1. Lack of hipbones showing.
2. My temper.
3. Lack of ribs showing.
4. I need more self-control.
5. All my imperfections.

Intake: 800 calories
Burned: 500 calories (playing tennis! Very exhausting, but I loved the workout.)
Net: 300 calories

I weigh 106 pounds now!!! Down 4 pounds from my SW, 11 pounds away from my GW. I'm getting there. 95 pounds, here I come!

Comment Replies:

Anonymous- I think dance is beautiful! Dancers are so graceful and strong, and I admire you for dancing. Thank you so much for your comment and good luck on reaching your GW! I'm positive you can do it.
Maddi- I've never played softball, but it sounds like a great sport and an amazing workout! Thank you so much for your kind words. :)
Sofia- Dancing is gorgeous! I love ice skating, but I'm not very good at it. I'm sure you're amazing at both. Thanks for your comment!
GraceyJ- Thank you so much for commenting! :) I'm definitely going to put thinspo on my phone.

Thank you for reading this post! I love you all! I hope you have a very good day and that you love, or at least appreciate your amazing traits, today. :)

Friday, April 8, 2011

trapped in a fishbowl

I was watching my beta fish swim around in clockwise circles, wondering what his world was like, pitying him for not being able to leave, when I realized, I live in a fishbowl too. I'm stuck here behind glass, seeing the world in a distorted view, watching everyone else. But it's my reality, maybe I'm right and the world really is this way. I'm stuck going around in circles full of recycled thoughts and recycled patterns. I want to leave this fishbowl sometimes, but I can't get out, it's impossible. 

Maybe I'm insane. But nobody's ever completely sane which means everyone's slightly insane. I guess that means I'm normal. But I've always wanted to be better than normal, wanted to be something remarkable, beautiful, unique. I've always wanted to fit in and stand out at the same time. I want to make an impression, I want to be remembered. Otherwise, it'll be like I never existed.

Went on an hour long walk today. Walking doesn't make me tired or sore, so it's almost as good as playing tennis. Exercise is extremely important. It not only burns calories, it builds muscle, so your body doesn't destroy your muscles instead of the fat.

What's your favorite sport or exercise? How many calories does it usually burn?

Comment Replies:

pinkredsoxgirl- Thank you for your great advice! Congrats on your new weight! My CW is 107 lbs, my height is 5 ft 3". I need to remember to put my CW in every post. Thanks for the comment! :)
nymph- Good idea! Maybe I'll chew ice. Thank you for commenting! :)
Alexa_K- I absolutely love what you said "Every road to skinny has its ups and downs."! It's so true and I'll try to keep a positive attitude like yours. Thanks for your comment and stay strong! <3
GraceyJ- I think I'll start carrying some thinspo around with me, maybe in my phone. Thank you so much for the comment! (:
Maddi- Thank you for the advice! I'll definitely try that. :) Thanks for the comment!
lulu- Haha that's so true! A person would have to try extremely hard to reach 2, 500! Thanks for commenting!
Sofia- You're right! :) Thank you very much for the comment!

Thank you for reading! :) 

To all followers: You guys are absolutely amazing! Thank you for giving me strength everyday and inspiring me to reach my goals.