Monday, April 25, 2011

beach, here I come!

Tomorrow morning, I'm headed to the beach with my friend (Sue) and her family. Really excited about that, I need a vacation so badly. Made cookies for them, didn't eat a single one. Still 104.5 pounds, so seeing my body in a bikini will be good for me, make me avoid any food, food is bad, it'll hurt my body.

I burnt 732 calories by exercising today. I love the feeling after an intense workout.

Ever since it, (do not read the link, or the next few sentences if you are likely to be triggered), I've hated, despised the feeling of human touch. Everything. Hugs with friends, holding hands, accidental brushes. When my friends try to give me a hug, I shrink back, I don't return the hug, because I can feel his hands all over me again. Even when my piano teacher was moving my hand into a certain position, I almost blacked out, I couldn't breathe.    But today, I want to be close to another person, to feel someone else's warmth. I crave touch. Not necessarily in a sexual way, I just want, need what I've been missing hating avoiding for a very long time, too long. 

SMILE, you deserve to. :)

Comment Replies: By the way, is anyone's comments not showing up? There's some that keep ending up in the spam box. I reply to every comment, including those left on old posts.
kes- Me too, I'm also searching for more blogs to read! I get sad when they haven't been updated in forever, it makes me wonder where they are now. Thanks for commenting!
GraceyJ- I adore shopping, I'm excited to buy a few more shorts and dresses in a lower size. :) I hope you have a great time shopping when you drop a few sizes, which will be soon! Thanks for commenting!
-kat- Thank you so much for your comment! I'm very happy that everyone is so kind in this community, it really impacts our lives with positivity. I'm glad people take the time to comment, so I try to comment back! :) 
FeatherWeight- Thank you so much for your comment, it made me smile. :) I hope you have an amazing day, you deserve it!
Cara- I'm glad that we all have our own unique perspectives. :) Variety is the spice of life, according to the writing on a mug I once saw. Thanks for commenting!
Almost Alex- I'm happy you're prioritizing and I hope you get your paper done! Thanks for commenting! :)
TheJDawg01- Thanks, I'm glad that you think we're friendly. I had a good laugh about your post today. Thanks for the comment! :)
Just Jessica- I'm sure you are very strong. :) Thank you for your comment, I hope you like the blog links!
Moonlighit Mistress- Thanks for following, and the comment! :) Have an amazing day!
Little Jo- I didn't know green meant fasting, or the other colors, I might make a green bracelet. I'm glad you're wearing an ED bracelet, I hope more people do, so we can identify others and know we're not alone. Thanks for commenting!
alice ana- Thank you very much for commenting! I started mine for those reasons also. :) Ahhh I'm insanely jealous, please tell me all about the concert when you go! And take pictures please! 
Ana's Addict- Thanks so much for commenting! I'm glad you like the page, I'm sure your blog and the others listed there will help inspire and motivate others. :) I agree, I''m proud to be part of this amazing community. 
Tempest- A thousand thank-yous for your kind words. Your support and sympathy means so much to me. I will remember your words "Some scars are ok". Thank you, thank you so much, I needed this understanding and help tonight. I hope you have a wonderful day, you deserve it!

I've added more blog links to the Thousand Voices page, I hope you enjoy reading them! :)


  1. have fun at the beach! you are going to look BEAUTIFUL in your bikini. and congrats on cookie avoidance, that is a skill I need to learn.

  2. I'm sure you'll look amazing in a bikini. Have fun!

    I also don't like touching. But people never seem to notice that you're uncomfortable when they're hugging you.

    Oh, and the Thousand voices page is a really good idea. I've been searching for some new blogs to read :)

  3. I'm sorry you had to go through that sweetheart. There are some more than fucked up people in this world.

    Enjoy yourself at the beach :) Take care x

  4. Have fun at the beach. I always weigh less after being outside tanning. If it's hot enough you'll be sweating and walking on the sand is a work out in it's self. So I have a feeling the numbers will drop a little after the beach. I wouldn't eat after going because that and the calories we lose in our sleep could make a one pound difference. I can't wait til I get to your weight. I'm glad your starting to want a human touch again you know that can actually be a good thing because since the last time something happened it was bad well next time something happens it can be a good experience that way it wont scare you so much after. But I'm sorry love, for everything you've been through.

  5. Hi!

    Thanks for your lovely comment. My housemates and I always make up silly traditions. We're not religious, but highly approve of silliness! Every Halloween we watch the 'Nightmare Before Christmas' and every Christmas we watch 'The Grinch' and sing along at the top of our voices! Valentine's Day is the best, we get all dressed up and watch the 'Rocky Horror Picture Show'! It's a scream!

    I just thought about myself in a bikini and almost blacked out! Hope you had fun in the sun, Babe! *Big Hug* <3. XXX.

  6. P.S. Thanks for adding me to your 'A Thousand Voices'. You're a ST*R! <3. XXX.

  7. You crave touch because we are human and we need love and companionship. Don't let what that creep did to you ruin your need for affection. You are so much more than that. Something I'm trying to learn right now is to not push someone away who truly has your best interest at heart for what someone who didn't have your best interest at heart did. You will end up regretting it and being alone and unhappy. Stay lovely sweetheart <3

  8. Have a great time at the beach :) I live a three minute walk from the beach :) The weather is awesome but a bit windy. If you're referring to the west coast :) Every time i wear a bathing suit to the pool or the beach i get insecure of m self and it always prevents me from having more food than I should. Good luck with everything<33 You're a really strong girl and keep your head up :)

  9. GOOD JOB with the burned calories! I usually burn like 600 a day but I want to up that. I need to get my butt back in the gym again today. I went early this morning but I was unmotivated. Now that I have eaten a little though I want these calories off! I burned 300 this morning wish me luck burnig a ton more!

    ANYWAY thank you for commenting it is really nice of you!

  10. oh i love the beach :) i hope you had fun. and at that weight im sure you looked amazing! I can identify with you about the touch really sucks sometimes. stay strong!

    can you do me a favor and check out my blog? Followers would be some awesome insperation

    thanks! :)

  11. I hope you had fun at the beach!
    I hate the place, personally.
    I am a redhead with the world's fairest complexion, hahaha.
    Plus I hate walking around in a bathing suit, ugh.
    Stay strong love!! <3

  12. May I ask, how'd you burn 732 calories in your workout ?!
    What'd you do ?
    Thanks !


Don't be shy, leave a comment. :) I'd love to hear your thoughts!