Tuesday, April 12, 2011

"there's a reason, to give it all"

Restriction. Obsessive calorie counting. Exercising until the point of exhaustion and collapse. Starving for days. Lying. Throwing food away. Why do we do all this? For me, it's for much more than looking hot in a bikini (though that is a motivator!), it's more than wearing Size 00, more than getting envious stares, more than having hipbones and ribs. Yes, those are all a huge part of my reasons, but it goes deeper than that. 

It's about finding myself, underneath this body that isn't mine, that doesn't seem to belong to me yet, but will be mine. It's about having the precise, exact self-control of a machine. For the sharpness of mind and senses that comes with hunger. It's about making myself disappear, destroying the parts of me that I no longer want, not just the physical parts, but the parts of me rooted deep in my mind. It's about attaining perfection, both in mind and body. 

I've already posted this picture, but it's so gorgeous, it deserves being in two posts.

What's your reason? 

Comment Replies: Thank you so much for taking the time to comment! I love all of your comments and truly appreciate every single one!

Alex- Swimsuits make me uncomfortable too! I used to be completely un self-conscious in one, as a kid. I'm sure you'll look absolutely amazing in one this summer! Thank you for your comment! :)
Neeska- Victoria's Secret is a great store! You should definitely buy that bikini. We're both going to turn heads at the beach this summer! :) Thanks for commenting! 
Nichole S.- Your determination is motivating! It'll definitely pay off. :) Thank you so much for your comment!
Vasilikie- I live for summer weather! Soon, hopefully, I'll live for wearing a bikini. :) Thanks for your comment! Good luck on your goals! 

It was my sister's birthday, so I had to eat cake today. I estimate around 400 calories. :( Luckily, there's no more birthdays coming up soon, so no more cake! Oh crap, except this weekend, when I'll have to eat cake again for her birthday party. I'll play tons of tennis, which burns 500 calories for 2 hours. 

Thank you for following my blog! :) Every one of you helps me stay on track! I hope you all hve an amazing day! 


  1. I think the Marie Antoinette's now-famous quote should be changed to "don't make them eat cake if they don't want to" :)

    For me, being thin is purely superficial. I know I'm not ana and I'll recognize when I'm thin enough. I read these blogs because the girls here understand what it is to be darkened by feeling so fat and ugly and worthless. I'm glad you know why you want this, but don't let an inspiring pursuit turn into a beautiful disaster.

  2. Your reason sounds so... noble. I don't fully know why I'm putting myself through this. Perhaps I'm not happy unless I'm destroying myself. I just want to disappear, you know? I take up so much room. You're completely right about looking good being a motivator and not an intrinsic reason. Stay strong, beautiful <3

  3. loved that thinspo, so beautiful! my reason is to avoid neuro-degenerative senescence, as well as finally feeling attractive. starvation (at some levels) is published & known to cause mammals to live longer with less cardio-vascular & digestive disorders, but more importantly to me, avoid alzheimer's and generally stupidity that comes from over-saturation 7 satiation of being well-fed. <3 :)

  4. For me, I am just sick and tired of feeling bad about myself. I feel a lot worse emotionally and mentally when I feel poorly about my body. So really, getting thin will essentially make life easier to live for me in general. I won't just be sluggishly living day to day, but taking full advantage of the time I'm given and not being so self-conscious about myself that it gets in the way.

    Alex is right btw, your reasons do sound very noble and sound. :)

  5. your blog is so good and honest. you really inspire me. not only are we both on the same journey, but you write about it so beautifully. shows the world that this journey isn't wrong and harmful, but a beautiful challenge. keep going, girlie. im certain you, and i both, can do this.


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