Thursday, April 21, 2011

Pandora's Box

I keep my secrets locked tightly in a box in a distant portion of my mind, but they strain to escape and poison the rest of my thoughts. I'm terrified of someone opening the box, like the myth of Pandora, her curiosity leading to terrible things. I want to unburden myself, give some secrets away, but that would be like asking someone to reach into Pandora's box and take whatever they wanted. They wouldn't want it. Lesson of Pandora's Myth: Always put warning labels on boxes filled with awful things. 

So here's something from my box. 

I was 12 years old, a timid, stupid innocent girl. One afternoon, I was in the library, working on a group project. He was one of my partners and we sat together at a computer researching something awfully boring online. Then he reached across to get a paper or something, I don't really remember, and his hand rested on my upper thigh. I didn't think anything was wrong with that. His hand stayed there. I was shivering now. He started to feel I hate describing this. He pulled me onto his lap, I was afraid and my heart was crashing around with panic, I made eye contact with someone in the library pleading with my eyes for help. I was shaking with discomfort and a bit of fear and he asked what was wrong. His hand crept up the back of my shirt and he touched my back. He tugged down my shirt to see my chest, to feel. Stop. I can't write this anymore, that would make my memory real and vivid. Let's play pretend, imagine it never existed. But sometimes, I still feel his lips on mine, and I want to rip my mouth apart, to bite my lips until they bleed, to erase them, I want to scratch my body scratch away his touch tear away the memory, rip open the invisible scars so I'll be satisfied that I don't belong to him, I'm not his. 

Oh gosh, I need to stop overreacting, get over it. I should have known. I'm extremely sorry today's post wasn't motivating or positive, I'm really sorry. I'll do better tomorrow.

Comment Replies:
Thank you unbeautiful, Alex, jackie, GraceyJ, -kat., an<3nym<3ous, Just Jessica, FeatherWeight (your comments somehow end up in the spam section, don't worry I'll make sure they get published!), -christy-, Neeska, and Ana's Addict for commenting. I'm incredibly sorry, I usually reply individually to comments, I just don't have the strength today. Please forgive me. But I truly appreciate every single comment, they make me smile, make my life better, one by one, especially on days like this. 


  1. Don't ever convince yourself that it's an overreaction. That disgusting secret you hold inside is very, very real. I have a few. I know that one. I'm sorry. Don't ever make yourself believe that it was okay. love and skinnies

  2. Shame on tumblr for making my comment come up as spam! hehe

  3. Don't you dare feel like you are overreacting. You have to live with this and you can't live with it bottled up inside you because it doesn't matter whether you say it out loud or not, it happened and you don't have to get over it. My mother was molested and it still haunts her, it always will because she holds onto it. You have to talk about it. Don't pretend it didn't happen :( I'm so so so so so incredibly sorry some shit hole of a man did that to you. If I could I would murder him for you. You are in my heart <3 Stay strong and keep your chin up.

  4. You're not overreacting. I also have secrets that i will never ever tell anyone.

    I'm really sorry it happened to you.
    Stay strong!

  5. You're not overreacting. That's terrible that happened to you. :(

  6. As everyone above has said, this is in no way an overreaction. It's a horrifying and powerful memory, but you sharing it is helping to release it. You have people here supporting you every step of your journey. You are beautiful and strong, and we are here to help you through it all. Smile sweet girl, you deserve to <3

  7. You are not overreacting at all, love.
    If something that terrible had happened to me, I would have reacted the same way.
    It is normal to react that way, it is not too much.
    I am so sorry that happened to you. :(
    But I can tell that you are using it as motivation to be a stronger person.
    And it is working.
    You are so very strong, and you should be proud of yourself for that!
    I am. :)
    I hope that today goes well for you; you deserve it!
    Best of luck, love. <3

  8. i am so sorry that happened to you, love. You need to tell someone. Being molested is a real and very scary thing. You can't deal with it by yourself and you deserve all the love and support you can get.
    This is not your fault and has nothing to do with what you did wrong. He is a terrible person for making you feel that vulnerable and taking advantage of you. you were young, and he should never have done that.
    you are beautiful. and you deserve to be loved by someone who respects and treasures you. don't forget that, dearest.

    lots of love,

  9. I'm sorry that happened to you. You are not overreacting. You didn't deserve that. You don't deserve these awful feelings. As hard as it is, the best thing to do is talk about it. Trying to forget that it happened doesn't make it go away. You have to work through it. Only then will you find peace.
    Check out this facebook page (Rape is Never Justified):!/RapeIsNeverJustified?closeTheater=1

  10. You have other comments already, but it bears repeating more than once.
    What happened was WRONG.
    It was NOT your fault.
    You are not alone. Things like this have happened to a lot of us.
    It's ok to talk about it, and it helps to talk about it.
    It will always be a part of you, but there is healing.
    I wrote to myself a long time ago, "Some scars are ok." Deep wounds have lasting effects, so don't feel ashamed that it takes time to work though, one step at a time.
    I'm so, so sorry you had to deal with that.


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