Thursday, April 28, 2011

"All because of you I haven't slept in so long"

"when I do I dream of drowning in the ocean
Longing for the shore where I can lay my head down
Inside these arms of yours"
being light enough to be carried easily is an extreme motivator

Oh and by the way, check out this blog, for a laugh or a good read, if you're feeling stressed. He's a really friendly guy.

Do you love anyone currently, or miss someone like crazy? Do they notice your eating habits (lack-of-eating habits)? 

I'm feeling lonely so I'll share my story about J. Classic story of girl meets boy, they fall in love, boy dumps girl, girl is sad. 

Almost two years ago, I fell hard in love and haven't been able to get up ever since. I wouldn't say it was love at first sight, but pretty close. The first thing I saw was bright blue eyes, such a contrast to my dark eyes, and I was instantly very attracted. (Guys with dark brown hair and blue eyes have always fascinated me.) I could go on and on about how amazing I thought J was, but basically he was funny, smart, caring, attractive, kind, and genuinely interesting. He told me he promised himself once that he would never get angry or lose his temper for the rest of his life. J made me feel cared about, special, telling me what all guys tell their girlfriends, showing his friends pictures of me even the ugly pictures.

After a few short weeks, it was time for J to return to his home about a 1000 miles away, but our relationship continued. He called almost daily, we once spent 7 hours talking on the phone, about anything and everything. I foolishly believed that we could overcome the barriers and troubles that the distance presented. He broke up with me nicely, I was barely listening, feeling disconnected from reality. He called an hour later to make sure I was okay. 

The next 3 months of silence, no communication killed me. He called out of nowhere, on Christmas Eve. No mention of "where have you been", we fell into our old routine easily, it felt like he'd never left.

Fast forward to now. After months of sporadic contact, we're meeting again this summer, in about 50 days, I'll be with him for 3 weeks. It's my chance, I'm depending on those 3 weeks. My life right now is 50% eating disorder, 50% wanting J. 

I need to be perfect, partially because of him. I have never told him any of my problems, I've done my best to hide my flaws, the instability of my mind. I need to keep up the illusion, he wouldn't want me if it broke. Nobody would.

Comment Replies:
thin and bones- You're right, a good cry can help sort things out! Thank you so much for your support! :)
Skinny_legs- Your comment did help cheer me up! I took a walk and the exercise made me feel a bit better. Thanks for your comment. :)
DietCokePlease- Hi new follower! Thank you for your comment and your support! :)
lucy hart- I'm glad you understanding my reluctance and fear towards touch, thankfully I'm taking steps to move past that. Yup, I'm also grateful that I'm not alone, we'll never be alone in this beautiful, supportive community. Thank you for your kind words! :)
thinlypure- I'm glad you have a great support system! Your friends sound very sweet. Thanks for your comment! :)
MadelinaCooke- I agree, I also get most of my comfort from bloggers. You're right, people outside this community can be judgmental, so I've never told anyone. Thank you for your caring! :)
lulu- I'm glad you liked the Thousand Voices post. :) Stay beautiful sweetie!
-christy-- I'm glad you have that friend to help and support you. Thank you so much for your caring! I'm really sorry about the messed up link on the Thousand Voices page, I think it's fixed now. Thanks for telling me! :)
Ana's Addict- I'm jealous of your hair, red hair is absolutely gorgeous. I wish I had a paler complexion. Thanks for your comment! :)
FeatherWeight- Thank you, your comment made me feel much better, like chicken soup without the calories! :) I hope you have an amazing day!
GraceyJ- Yup I hope we both don't get those moments often anymore! I hope you have a lovely day, you deserve it! :)

Thank you for taking the time to read this post! Have a wonderful day! Stay beautiful! :)


  1. J is your inspiration and that's what's keeping you going.. That's so sweet. You inspire me a lot hun.

  2. i completely understand having a boy be a motivator - my boyfriend of 3 years is super skinny, so i feel like i have to stay way skinnier than he is.

    and, yes, dark hair with light eyes is TO DIE FOR. oh my, so hot!!

    it's so great that you want to look perfect for him. i can't stand people who get in relationships and put on weight because "someone loves them already!" but also, darling - if he loves you, he will see past the flaws. the right person loves you even when you're broken. you are worth it!

    good luck with J, he sounds like a lovely boy!

  3. Aww... Thats actually quite a beautiful/sad story. I hope you guys work out. And hey, if he really loves you... he'll stick it out through the tough times as well as the good times.

    And about that comment where you said no one would want you if you broke... I can think of at least one person... (haha, its me!) lol.

    And so would all your other friends on this blog, all 107 of them!

    And... is that my blog you're talking about? lol.

  4. WOW... you write so well. hope everything works out for you two.

  5. That's a sad story. I really hope everything will go well for you two.
    It's good when somebody motivates you, it keeps you strong and determined to reach your goals.

    I also like guys with dark hair and light eyes(i like green eyes the most :))

    Have a nice day ♥

  6. It sounds so heartbreaking... I can't even imagine. But hopefully if you lose enough weight you'll gain confidence and you'll be able to get him back.
    But don't get your hopes up high darling, I'd hate to see everything fall apart <3<3<3
    good luck!<3

  7. I had a long distance relationship with a guy who promised he wanted to marry me and take care of me when he moved back home. One night out of the blue he decided to dump me, and told me his heart had changed. Two weeks later I decided to start losing weight. I guess you could say he was a thinspo in an opposite sorta way. Sometimes men can be the strongest thinspiration. I hope you get all that you are wanting and needing out of life. You deserve great wonderful things, including a guy who loves you for you :) stay strong beautiful girl <3

  8. Boys are wonderful motivators.
    My boy and I have been together a little more than a year.
    I think I am rubbing off on him, because he has decided he needs to lose weight and get healthy, too! :)
    Unfortunately, he does know about my ED and weird eating habits.
    He is always asking me if I have eaten, and how my feelings are about food on any given day.
    I know it is because he cares, but ugh!
    Luckily he is three hours away, so he cannot watch over me like I know he wishes he could.
    He told me that I can do what I want, but if I end up in hospital, he is taking control and I will have to do what HE says.
    I guess I cannot blame him. :\
    I feel like I annoy him with my constant babbling about food and weight and feelings and such, but he says he would rather hear about it so he can help me.
    I love him. :)
    I sincerely hope that things with you and J work out for the best; you deserve to be treated like a princess! :D
    Hang in there and stay strong, love! <3


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