Today's newspaper says it's April 5th, in the year 2011. But my mind isn't here in the present yet. It's trapped somewhere, days, months, and years away. My thoughts are locked into memories of the past.
I feel safe in the past. It feels contained, unchanging. I already know what's happened, there's no surprises, no uncertainty. I like the way my memories stay the same, even if they're bad memories. The bad memories scare me, but they're part of me. The good ones make me smile, make me wonder at how it ever happened. Maybe I'm not really trapped here, maybe staying here is what I prefer.
I'm in kindergarten, on the playground at school. I'm playing with the guy I have a huge crush, the kind little kids have. He's three grades above me, but I'm convinced he's my future husband. I'm still innocent and naive. I fall off the monkey bars and I'm hurt. My guy carries me in his arms to the teachers. They give me a bandage but I'd rather be in his arms.
I'm in fifth grade. I'm tiny and short. The world feels big to me and I like that feeling. I give my lunch to my friend almost everyday. "I'm not hungry," I say.
I'm sitting at my lunch table with my friends in seventh grade. We're little middle schoolers, excited to be at the "top of the world", next year, when we become eighth graders. We've squeezed six friends into our small red booth, two more than allowed and we feel so cool. My friends complain about their weight while chewing on salty french fries. "I'm so fat," they say and everyone knows they have to automatically tell them they're skinny. It's the unspoken rule. I complain half-heartedly about my weight too. But I'm lying. I know I can eat anything and still weigh 100 pounds.
I'm in front of the mirror, about to go on my first date. I look at my outfit. Purple shirt. White shorts. My hand shakily applies the eyeliner I took from my mom's bathroom. It's my first experience with makeup. I stare into the mirror. I'm more concerned about my face, than my body, because my legs and arms are thin little sticks. I pour several tic tacs into my mouth. I don't look at the calories. I don't know yet that there's 2 calories in each.
It's the summer of 2009. I'm at Davidson College for a summer camp. I'm getting ready for a dance. My friends have brushed my hair and advised me on makeup. We've giggled over guys and we're excited. I walk down the hallway to my room to get something, and I pass a guy. When his blue eyes met my dark eyes, I knew I liked him. He said "hi" and I admire his confidence. At the dance we talk about music and I feel shy. He asks me for my number. I still love him.
I know I can't live in the past anymore. I'm not ready to leave yet. I will one day, but not today.
Replies to Comments:
Alex- Dry cereal for lunch is great and low calorie-ish! I'm glad you like it too, I thought I was the only one. :)
jackie- Awwh thanks darling! :) I enjoy reading your blog very much! The part in your comment about your life cereal made me laugh. :)
Alexa_K- Thank you so much for your comment! :) Your blog is gorgeous! I'm honored that you read my posts. :)