I think about death and its inevitableness, for us and the billions before us. We write vastly differing stories from one another but the ending is always alike. Some wait passively, bitterly for death. Some slip into it unknowingly and peacefully. Others desperately chase after it, the end is elusive for them. I think about the day when I will fall from existence into memory, and I hope that someone will lay a flower for me. A dandelion or a rose.
"I thought you were anorexic, what are you doing here?" the girl I vaguely know says to me bluntly. What am I doing here, at this frozen yogurt place with my friend? I resist telling her I think I am more bulimic than anorexic. Sometimes the excess of my body engulfs me and I am more trapped than ever in this foreign cage. Carrying anything, whether it is a purse, jacket, or papers, bothers me, this body is no exception. I wish I could leave it behind and run weightless and unburdened.
The first time I read the words borderline personality disorder, BPD, was on my laptop, searching for the cause, the name, of my behavior and thoughts. And it all seemed to fit evenly together.
"Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is an emotional disorder that causes emotional instability, leading to stress and other problems.
With borderline personality disorder your image of yourself is distorted, making you feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Your anger, impulsivity and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you desire loving relationships." www.mayoclinic.comI can't determine or diagnose if I actually have BPD from compulsively reading about it, but I feel I identify with the symptoms and the descriptions.
Symptoms: I've bolded the ones that relate to me.
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships.
Recurrent suicidal behavior ? (I am not sure if cutting/suicidal thoughts qualify).
Chronic feelings of emptiness
Inappropriate, intense anger
Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts/severe dissociative symptoms
A BPD blog (incredibly well-written) I found recently: Beyond the Borderline Personality
Thanks to lovely people reading this! Thanks to the people who commented! Follow them! Each one of you made me smile. I hope you all have a very wonderful day and night!
Gymnast, Judith Marie, Lucy's Shadow, xXzapxfireXx, Chloe, Funeral of Youth, I do, I do., pursuit_of_happiness, and Sam Lupin.