Wednesday, March 21, 2012

"borderline between what and what?"

My entire life could be etched into the wooden cracking frame of my bed, imprinted into the mattress, and intertwined with the covers. Intense energy excites me until I am too restless to drown in the depths of sleep. My bed is my refuge during the storm, and I cling to it as the chaotic waves churn beneath. I want to sleep.

I think about death and its inevitableness, for us and the billions before us. We write vastly differing stories from one another but the ending is always alike. Some wait passively, bitterly for death. Some slip into it unknowingly and peacefully. Others desperately chase after it, the end is elusive for them. I think about the day when I will fall from existence into memory, and I hope that someone will lay a flower for me. A dandelion or a rose. 

"I thought you were anorexic, what are you doing here?" the girl I vaguely know says to me bluntly. What am I doing here, at this frozen yogurt place with my friend? I resist telling her I think I am more bulimic than anorexic. Sometimes the excess of my body engulfs me and I am more trapped than ever in this foreign cage. Carrying anything, whether it is a purse, jacket, or papers, bothers me, this body is no exception. I wish I could leave it behind and run weightless and unburdened. 

The first time I read the words borderline personality disorder, BPD, was on my laptop, searching for the cause, the name, of my behavior and thoughts. And it all seemed to fit evenly together.
"Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is an emotional disorder that causes emotional instability, leading to stress and other problems.
With borderline personality disorder your image of yourself is distorted, making you feel worthless and fundamentally flawed. Your anger, impulsivity and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you desire loving relationships."
I can't determine or diagnose if I actually have BPD from compulsively reading about it, but I feel I identify with the symptoms and the descriptions.

Symptoms: I've bolded the ones that relate to me.
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. 
A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships. 
Identity disturbance
Recurrent suicidal behavior ?  (I am not sure if cutting/suicidal thoughts qualify).
Emotional instability
Chronic feelings of emptiness
Inappropriate, intense anger
Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts/severe dissociative symptoms

A BPD blog (incredibly well-written) I found recently: Beyond the Borderline Personality

Thanks to lovely people reading this! Thanks to the people who commented! Follow them! Each one of you made me smile. I hope you all have a very wonderful day and night!
Gymnast, Judith Marie, Lucy's Shadow, xXzapxfireXx, Chloe, Funeral of Youth, I do, I do., pursuit_of_happiness, and Sam Lupin


  1. I've wondered before if I have this...or maybe I'm just crazy. I'm not sure what they could do about it, but hopefully you can find help and finally be at rest. I know what it's like to be constantly freaking out, that's true suffering...

  2. Interesting, I also have some of those symptoms and I have previously thought I have it too. Love you beautiful xx

  3. Borderline personality disorder is highly, highly correlated with eating disorders. In my experience working in a clinic, it was pretty common to meet girls who were co-morbid with both disorders.

  4. Sigh. Honey, I know how you feel. I've always shown these symptoms and more. I finally began to actually notice them around 6th grade. About 6 years later, here we are and I still haven't bothered to be diagnosed. I know that it would help in some respects. In others, I know it would be worse. From what I understand there's really not much that can be done to treat it, and medication scares the shit out of me. I don't know how long you've felt this has been the cause of your behaviour, but my advice would be to do something about it as soon as possible. I believe it'll be a little less hard on you. I only wish I had the means to get help with this.

  5. I can understand how it must be feeling. Time will tell and it shall pass. Have faith! :)


  6. oh honey,
    spring is here, and soon it will be time to wear these bikinis.
    Yours, will look fab on you. You're likely to be the sexiest kitten at the beach.
    Focus on that!
    love you lots

  7. Oh hun, I can't even being to launch into borderline personality disorder things. It's really difficult to diagnose someone with one and in my experience, if you dig far enough, the line between the personality disorders and the attachment disorders really begin to blur. But I am a sucker for definitions. I think it's fair enough to say that you definitely have borderline personality traits. So do I and I spend most of my time and energy hiding those from the rest of the world.
    Most people with an eating disorder will have a co-existing psychiatric condition. Which is why formulation (what we call diagnosis in psychiatry) is a highly difficult, subjective and long process. The longest formulation I have ever done was just over 10 pages. The line just isn't clear and I really hesitate to label anyone as anything.
    However, some people like having the label, so each to their own I guess!

    On a different note, you sound very tired lovey! I hope you rest and perk up some!
    Much love for your-
    -Judith Marie

  8. "I think about the day when I will fall from existence into memory, and I hope that someone will lay a flower for me. A dandelion or a rose."-- beautiful

  9. you do sound tired, my sweet little girl. *kisses cheek* and she had no right to say that to you. i also am more bulimic than i am 'anorexic', which i don't believe i can ever be classified as. i believe that i can fill myself with food, and then destroy it by laxative abuse, by purging, by exercising.

    i will not lay a rose for you. i will lay all of the flowers in the world, and then tell swear to God that not any of those flowers are as beautiful as you are. your

    i used to believe that this happiness that i have for the world, like waking up and being able to see how beautiful my purple curtains are, how sweet everything tastes, how it hurts my heart so much that everything's so pretty and- i can SEE all of this and wonder why nobody in the world feels like they can just be happy all of the time. i used to believe that this happiness, a gift, was actually just a curse in its own waking. it disappears only for those moments of anxiety, where i swear that nothing in the world is worth living like this...disappear to leave me bubbly, happy - i wondered how can someone in the world be that happy all of the time. it has to be some sort of disease. must be.

    maybe i obsessively-compulsively attain all the happiness in the jar, afraid to let it slip, so the second it does slip by, i believe that i can't attain it again? i don't understand myself sometimes. i think we're all just shadows to ourselves in the mirrors, and we can't see ourselves, we only see the darkness - the flaws, but everyone else can see our wholeness.

    i can see your wholeness.

    and it hurts me to see you suffering even more. i hope you don't have Borderline Personality Disorder - because mental disorders aren't like a phyiscal illness. it doesn't go away with medication. it's like a pain we feel on the inside, a burden we carry, that no one else can see and feel. it's one of the secrets that we bury on the inside. please feel better, love. and please do have some rest. you sound emotionally and physically drained as you reflect upon yourself at night (after all, the night is where all the hidden monsters of the day arise and they chase us because we are alone, most vulnerable).

    however, i do believe somehow, that first instinct, is often the best. in my own experience, i used to compulsively read over ED's when i begun showing some symptoms and let me say i related, and related, and it sunk in with me this far. i think your first instinct is pretty reliable. then again, i can be extremely faithful to God. people say intuition and instinct are things send by God - so i don't know if it's logical for you to believe so or not. i'm speaking too much, lovely. and i myself, am a mess of thoughts after this headache. <3 feel well.

    -Sam Lupin

  10. I think I have the abandonment issues alot. Other than that it doesn't seem to effect me.
    How rude of that girl.
    Take care hun,
    I will pick a bouquet of dandelions and roses and think of you, just don't go yet. We care too much for you.

  11. It sounds like you're tired, even exhausted. Please, have a rest, stop overworking yourself.

    Having symptoms of some disorder usually only means that you have symptoms of some disorder.

    And that girl was very rude.

    Take care!

  12. Hey,
    Have just started reading your blog.

    Mine is contact me there anytime if you need help and support. I feel your pain!

  13. Ehi there
    I...I've recently started reading your blog. I'm reading all the posts cause I absolutely love your writing style and most of the times it seems that your words came straight from my head. I don't have a good relationship with words. My thoughts just fade away when I'm about to conctretize them, whether on paper or in sounds, and seeing that someone else feels the same is...consoling. Makes me feel a bit less awfully alone. And I really want to thank you for this.

    BPD is like a curse. It will always come back to hunt you. I've fighten all my life against that and so, well, against my self. It's hard and people don't usually get it. They just think you are crazy. Well I know it's a personality disturb, but I wouldn't define myself as crazy. Even cause I usually keep all the crap I feel inside me, so I'm not "socially disturbing".
    My advice is to try not to put yourself down if you find out you really have BPD. BPD makes your life harder, not you a bad person.

    I send you a smile (I read you really like 'em) =) and hope things are doing good. NS

  14. Stay strong, we're all here for you!

  15. I'm also living with an eating disorder and BPD. So happy to have stumbled across your blog--your writing is lovely, and really resonates with me.

    Keep fighting! <3

  16. Thank you for sharing your experience! I also suffer from BPD and at first I was in denial that I even had it. Since then, I have learned a lot of ways to deal with my BPD from websites like I hope this is helpful for everyone out there with BPD. I wish you all the best.


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