I'm sorry, sorry, sorry for being away for a while, too long. I've thought of this place often, thought of the beautiful people often with that aching feeling in my heart, but stayed away for reasons I don't fully know or understand. I don't know if anyone still reads this blog, but I'm back, hopefully for good.
So much has changed, and so much has not. Food is still my refuge and hell. I am caught somewhere in the perpetual cycle of attempting to abandon the physical realm of needs and feelings through bingeing, purging, fasting, self-hate, control and lack of control. I still wish to become wispy and brittle like the branches of trees in the winter, even as the days grow warmer. I still wait for my bones to burst through the paper thin layer of skin.
But I've grown much older since my last post, I think, through experiences. Experiences that were awful, experiences that were unreal, experiences that were raw and beautiful. I shared myself with someone I love for the first time, sex is completely not what I had imagined. I remembered I had friends when I had my recent birthday party even as I threw up the ice cream cake in the bathroom. I'll elaborate on the events of January and February soon.
I hope everyone is safe, and hopefully happier. We all deserve happiness, though it seems increasingly difficult to find at times.