Sunday, March 4, 2012

back

I'm sorry, sorry, sorry for being away for a while, too long. I've thought of this place often, thought of the beautiful people often with that aching feeling in my heart, but stayed away for reasons I don't fully know or understand. I don't know if anyone still reads this blog, but I'm back, hopefully for good.

So much has changed, and so much has not. Food is still my refuge and hell. I am caught somewhere in the perpetual cycle of attempting to abandon the physical realm of needs and feelings through bingeing, purging, fasting, self-hate, control and lack of control. I still wish to become wispy and brittle like the branches of trees in the winter, even as the days grow warmer. I still wait for my bones to burst through the paper thin layer of skin.

But I've grown much older since my last post, I think, through experiences. Experiences that were awful, experiences that were unreal, experiences that were raw and beautiful. I shared myself with someone I love for the first time, sex is completely not what I had imagined. I remembered I had friends when I had my recent birthday party even as I threw up the ice cream cake in the bathroom. I'll elaborate on the events of January and February soon.

I hope everyone is safe, and hopefully happier. We all deserve happiness, though it seems increasingly difficult to find at times.

13 comments:

  1. OMGGGGGGG!!!!! You're back! I missed you so much! And I was worried too. I'm so glad that you are alive and safe. I can't wait to hear more from you.
    How have you been progressing on the weight front? I miss the way that you write. I definitely still read your blog and I look forward to you elaborating on January and February.
    Much love to you hun! Keep well.

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  2. we will always be here for you and always be reading. <3
    restrict. purge. restrict. purge. restrict. binge. purge. and pretend i don't even understand the world anymore. <3 just as lost, just as confused, and dazed, and full of disjointed pattern.
    and you do as well. so smile for us, lovely. smile to the world. because we fucking love and adore you.
    <3
    -Sam Lupin

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  3. I've missed you !!! You were the first ana blog i've read, and you inspired me to start my own blog :) So happy to hear that you are back!!!

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  4. I am so glad to see you back :) i look forward to catching up with your life :)

    xx

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  5. I missed you a lot, and I'm so happy to see you're back!!
    Can't wait to hear more from you
    xoxo
    Lucy

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  6. I'm so glad your back, your writing is beautiful and i've missed it !! Hope all is well your end xx

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  7. I'm so happy you're back! I thought of you!
    much love. xoxo

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  8. I missed you, thought of you, read your blog and worried about you <3 xx

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  9. Of course we are reading, loyalty, love and happiness <3

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  10. Just found your blog today and caught up. Your writing is amazing and so so so beautiful. I wish I could write like you, but really I'm a reader not a writer (so apologies for the bluntness of this comment, I'm not a wordsmith :)) If you continue to blog, I will most definitely continue to read what you write. From reading your previous posts I can tell that you truly are an amazing person and I hope you find you happiness, just like everyone else.
    Rain
    xoxo

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