"I've never heard silence like this," she whispers. "I've never seen stars like this," I say. Against the icy hardness of the dock, we lie parallel to the broken glass waters. A dome of glittery powder above us, trees like black splotches of ink around the lake. The cutting beauty of it is heartbreaking. Later, we bring our frozen bodies back to life next to the flames. The red hot ribbons wrap around the logs, tighter and tighter, and I understand why moths are irresistibly drawn to a death lit by light.
I alternate between bingeing and fasting, passion and detachment. Even as I view food as a toxic pollutant, unclean and unsafe, I crave the contamination. I kneel on the white tiles, like so many others, and it comes back up in desperate heaves, and I swear never again, like we all say. But again and again, I fall. Yet I take comfort knowing that in order to have fallen, I have risen, a little at least.
Size double zero. The number in the tag of my jeans comforts me slightly and fails to erase the fat I clearly see in the mirror under the bright accusing lights. I despise every inch and pound.
I feel as if I have lived more months and years than my actual chronological age. Age and the complexities surrounding it fascinates me.
My very first time. His name is Alex. He has said he loves me; I see it in his eyes and feel it in his actions. His hipbones dug into me as he lay on top. Our breathing merges, our heartbeats run wildly. My clothes in a heap on the creaking wood floor next to the condoms, my mind in a tangle of tissue thin thoughts. As he entered me, the intense pain overwhelmed me, my legs involuntarily attempted to close. Deep rough thrusts. He finishes. We slip into sleep together under the dreamcatcher.
A researcher contacted me about a research study involving pro anorexia blogs/websites. I think it would help others gain a better understanding of eating disorders in general. If you would like to participate, click here.
Love and thanks to these lovely people:
SilentNightmare - Thank you very much! I am not much of a writer though.
Judith Marie - I've missed you tons! I'm sorry for worrying you, I'm glad you are safe as well. :) My weight has remained stable unfortunately (sigh b/p). Much love and happiness to you too!
Sam Lupin - Hi love! You made me smile, and I'll hopefully keep smiling! It's nice to see that the layout of your blog has stayed relatively the same since the last time I was on blogger in December, I love returning to a familiar place, it fills me with comfort. I hope you have a lovely day!
Marie - Thank you for your sweet words, I hope you find lots of happiness today. <3
I do, I do. - Thank you lots! I feel motivated to post more frequently!
xXzapxfireXx- Thank you for the welcome back!:)
S. - Hi it's been a while! I'm glad you are still here on blogger:)
Lucy's Shadow - Thank you, I'm happy to be back and to catch up on what everyone's been up to!
Depressed Skinny Mess - Many thanks for the welcome! You are beautiful and I've missed you!
Zoie - Thank you for the welcome, and also thank you for your email a while back!
Little Miss Thin <3 - I've missed you as well! I'm sorry for causing you worry, I hope you have been safe and happy lately! <3
Beth - Thank you! hugs and smiles! :)
Rain - Thank you for your lovely words, they made me smile! You are a wordsmith, I wish I could articulate comments as well as you. :) I hope you have a very beautiful day! <3