"I've never heard silence like this," she whispers. "I've never seen stars like this," I say. Against the icy hardness of the dock, we lie parallel to the broken glass waters. A dome of glittery powder above us, trees like black splotches of ink around the lake. The cutting beauty of it is heartbreaking. Later, we bring our frozen bodies back to life next to the flames. The red hot ribbons wrap around the logs, tighter and tighter, and I understand why moths are irresistibly drawn to a death lit by light.
I alternate between bingeing and fasting, passion and detachment. Even as I view food as a toxic pollutant, unclean and unsafe, I crave the contamination. I kneel on the white tiles, like so many others, and it comes back up in desperate heaves, and I swear never again, like we all say. But again and again, I fall. Yet I take comfort knowing that in order to have fallen, I have risen, a little at least.
Size double zero. The number in the tag of my jeans comforts me slightly and fails to erase the fat I clearly see in the mirror under the bright accusing lights. I despise every inch and pound.
I feel as if I have lived more months and years than my actual chronological age. Age and the complexities surrounding it fascinates me.
My very first time. His name is Alex. He has said he loves me; I see it in his eyes and feel it in his actions. His hipbones dug into me as he lay on top. Our breathing merges, our heartbeats run wildly. My clothes in a heap on the creaking wood floor next to the condoms, my mind in a tangle of tissue thin thoughts. As he entered me, the intense pain overwhelmed me, my legs involuntarily attempted to close. Deep rough thrusts. He finishes. We slip into sleep together under the dreamcatcher.
A researcher contacted me about a research study involving pro anorexia blogs/websites. I think it would help others gain a better understanding of eating disorders in general. If you would like to participate, click here.
Love and thanks to these lovely people:
SilentNightmare - Thank you very much! I am not much of a writer though.
Judith Marie - I've missed you tons! I'm sorry for worrying you, I'm glad you are safe as well. :) My weight has remained stable unfortunately (sigh b/p). Much love and happiness to you too!
Sam Lupin - Hi love! You made me smile, and I'll hopefully keep smiling! It's nice to see that the layout of your blog has stayed relatively the same since the last time I was on blogger in December, I love returning to a familiar place, it fills me with comfort. I hope you have a lovely day!
Marie - Thank you for your sweet words, I hope you find lots of happiness today. <3
I do, I do. - Thank you lots! I feel motivated to post more frequently!
xXzapxfireXx- Thank you for the welcome back!:)
S. - Hi it's been a while! I'm glad you are still here on blogger:)
Lucy's Shadow - Thank you, I'm happy to be back and to catch up on what everyone's been up to!
Depressed Skinny Mess - Many thanks for the welcome! You are beautiful and I've missed you!
Zoie - Thank you for the welcome, and also thank you for your email a while back!
Little Miss Thin <3 - I've missed you as well! I'm sorry for causing you worry, I hope you have been safe and happy lately! <3
Beth - Thank you! hugs and smiles! :)
Rain - Thank you for your lovely words, they made me smile! You are a wordsmith, I wish I could articulate comments as well as you. :) I hope you have a very beautiful day! <3
it is so nice to meet you!!! thank you for your comment on my blog. i love your writing style too and im so glad you started posting again! much love!!!! your so lucky your a double 0. im a 4 or 6 :( that will change though!!!!
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that you are posting again. I missed you so much! B/P cycles are the worst aren't they? But I guess that since you are stable, at least you didn't gain any. Nice to know that once I reach your 100lbs I will be a size 00. I'm currently a size 2-4. Which is really a guestimate since I don't live in the US. But you know, online shopping and all.
ReplyDeleteI know you don't think much of your 00 but really, that's amazing! You are such an inspiration!
Is this researcher your friend? I love participating in studies and would be more than happy to participate in hers, but I don't live in the UK! Tell her that she can contact me anytime if she ever does a study that needs participants from outside the UK.
I was skinny too back when I had my first time...
ReplyDelete...when I look at my reflection in the mirror I still expect to see that skinny girl. Instead, I see fat and the first white hair.
You'll never be a teenager again. Take care of your skinny beautiful self.
Your writing is always amazing.
xoxo
Lucy
You're writing s beautiful. I love to hear it more often.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure he thinks your the most beautiful girl in the world.
I hope it was a great night.
Take care chicka
♥
Rising and falling, again and again, it's like a never-ending cycle...even if it seems it stopped, it didn't - it just slowed down...and if you feel like it's only falling now, remember that it's only temporary, you will rise again.
ReplyDeleteTake care <3
In agreement with plenty of your followers, you really are an incredible writer. I really hope you consider doing something with words, if you're not already, that is! There's always that classic ED compliment of 'You sound like you're a beautiful person' but without seeming like a fluffy ole sheep, I sincerely mean it. Reading your blog gives me shivers.
ReplyDeleteI hope you're okay and it's very nice to meet you,
Kate
I'd been away.. Glad to read all this after a while! Your writing never changes, its always a pleasure to read! :)
ReplyDeletewow youre such a good writer!! you articulate the truth so poetically
ReplyDelete"I've never had a girl like you," I say.
ReplyDeleteSo let me lie against dormant grey, and look at the bright, rosy-tinted day. I will visit your bed one day as a proud and tall man of good deed, and I swear to the stars of deadly secede, I’ll cut my dreams and let them bleed. If only they would bleed to you, my starry night, if only they can bleed just as sweetly and bright.
…and I wear my dreams like jewels, and let reality accrual until I’ve drifted in my sleep, and so give the Lord my sinning soul to keep. If beauty is a sin, then my dear, you are a thief. If corruption was art, then lock yourself inside my heart.
I want to think you're the sun's smile, and that I can just stop and stare for a while. <3
Oh, my sweet pretty girl, write all the novels you may on my page. I will simply sit, read them, and feel every inkling of your words seep inside of my skin until I can no longer feel human, but something much more beautiful and eloquent. They say Alex is the defender of men, so I hope he will continue to defend. If he dares to hurt you, I will not hesitate to run the knife.
and my blog layout will always remain the same. I truly feel as if my layout cannot change in its simple black nature, because it holds much memory. <3 thank you, sweetheart. please. do not feel hesitant to write to me if you ever feel down.
and also, have a lovely life. <3 my day and weeks are just spiraled with work. all i want to do is fall asleep. which i will, right now. and dream what dreamers dream.
-Sam Lupin