Friday, April 20, 2012


Dirt presses heavily and suffocatingly over me, a hundred and four pounds of excess. Digging my way out, escaping with my skeleton and leaving my decomposing body underground. My knees touch, interrupting the slope of empty space. The circular motions of the binge/purge cycle are so rigid, breaking out of these self-defeating behaviors seems improbable.

(a recent experience that I will never try again.)
     A laugh breaks through the silent evening, at nothing in particular. An eternity later, I find consciousness on cold concrete and the world is sideways. Dull panic throbs, though I can't recall anything. I know nothing, am nobody. I feel newly born. A face, an urgent voice. He is familiar, Alex. I watch myself from a place above my head as I climb the stairs, quickly because I see them shrinking. My sense of touch has ran away, my fingertips explore, the feeling of blankness is a texture itself. Blocks of darkness interrupt. The connection between mind and body has been severed; I act without thought-commands. I am terrified; he lies on me as I desperately crawl to reach the door.
     My heart plays a wild piece, short staccato beats. Alex tries to put my brain together, it has been taken apart and screwed back into place terribly wrong. Time and words are meaningless. I am a kitten, limp and weightless in his arms.
     Sleep ends the nightmare.

Glancing at passersby, I often think of their hopes, worries, memories. I make stories for them. Lives intersect, a tangle of paths crisscrossing and running over each other, through years and miles. Strangers are endlessly fascinating, because I'm confined to the thoughts and perspectives in my mind, and wish I could occupy their conscious and look through their eyes at a much different world. It's tiring to be one person. Our minds are endless solitary confinement.

Is there anything specific anyone would like me to write about in my next post? Any questions? I'm happy to oblige.
Love and thanks to: Ahava, Little Miss Thin, Rachel, Clarie, I do, I do., Lucy's Shadow, Judith Marie, Wings to Set me Free, Sam Lupin, xXzapxfireXx, Chloe, Too Fat for Words, Nauseated_Suchende, mylittlebone, catherineofsiena, AVY, and Helen. I am happily overwhelmed by all your caring kind words and advice. I hope you all have a wonderful and beautiful day. 


  1. Its tiring to be one person. <-- Couldn't agree with you more.

    Our minds are endless solitary.

    Have you ever written a book? I'd be buying it!


  2. I always love reading your writing! My heart always leaps a bit when I see that you've posted a new blog entry.

    If you would be so obliging, I'd be interested to know your thoughts on how you think your ED is affecting those in your life. Especially because this is one aspect of ED that I've never really managed to grasp myself.

    Definitely looking forward to your next post! Stay well darling, you inspire me every day.

  3. Every time I am pulled away and come back to one of your thoughtful, insightful posts, I always wonder why I left in the first place.
    I have missed you, and I hope you are doing well.
    Stay positive, stay beautiful! <3

  4. I love your writing, it's so beautiful!! I always love reading your posts, your such a wonderful person :) xx

  5. I wonder if anybody also wonders what's in our minds when we're trying to imagine what's in theirs. Maybe we're also fascinating for strangers as they are fascinating for us.

    Have a wonderful day, sweetie!

  6. This is written so beautiful! Can you please write about your progression? When you first started losing weight till now? How do you feel? Are you ever satisfied for a moment? Thank you :)


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