Finally, I have fallen out from the binge/purge cycle. My scale told me 101 pounds yesterday, recovered from the high of 107. Ninety-three is 8 pounds away. I was excited to discover that I can easily wrap my hand around my wrist, all four fingers able to reach the top of my thumb. It seems, that to accept myself, I must cut the body away. I recognize the mental and physical repercussions, but logic has not altered anything. I am not the excess weight that clings to me, like leaves on a tree. I want to be a tree in the dead of winter, bare and thin and light.
Last night, I cried, remembering all the many mistakes and people I had wronged, the loneliness that used to wrap itself tightly around me, the uncertainness that I have never been able to penetrate. And when I had grown tired of tears, I waited for catharsis, expecting a calm after the glass jar with all the built up emotions had shattered. I still felt like a failure, but I realized I am responsible for my own happiness and well-being. And I want to attain that. I want all the negative thoughts and anger and sadness to drain out, so I can fill the space with everything I value and love.
I write a lot about my experiences, my feelings, my life, but I think I write infrequently about me as a person.
1. Blue is my favorite color, because it can be both tranquil and intense.
2. I have an intense fear of getting lost, especially during night.
3. If I could, I would always wear short, simple dresses.
4. Shyness is one of my major issues and I am amazed I have friends.
5. I have perfect pitch. I am also a terrible singer.
6. At night, I send my thoughts scattering in nonsensical directions to fall asleep.
7. I wish on dandelion puffs and stars.
8. I look older than my chronological age.
9. I want the courage to stand up for what I believe.
10. One day, I hope to travel every inch of the world and live without fear or regret.
Thanks to mylittlebones, Chloe, Depressed Skinny Mess, Princess Perfection, AVY, Judith Marie, and I do, I do. for your comments on my last post! All of you are incredible.
mylittlebones - I first began my obsession early last year. Unfortunately, I have not continuously lost weight, b&p/willpower/life/friends/wanting to get better/etc has kept me from the two-digits. I am momentarily satisfied when I see a change on the scale, but I always strive to be thinner and thinner. Thank you so much for commenting! :)
Judith Marie - I have never been able to really grasp that aspect myself. I do think that I make others uncomfortable when I do not eat when expected, such as at a restaurant or at lunch. When I binge and do not purge, I'm in an awful mood and unfortunately that affects the people in my life. I also wonder if people suspect the truth about me. Oh and I just realized your picture is of a hedgehog!!! I adore hedgehogs! Do you have one? A classmate carries hers around in a purse sometimes. Anyways, thank you so much for commenting! <3