Monday, May 16, 2011

Don't fix what isn't broken.

If you are in recovery, please do not read!
Blog name change, by the way.
I have occasionally thought of recovery, but never desired it. I currently have no wish to be fixed, even though I may one day need it, want it. But as of now, I'm perfectly healthy, 104 pounds is farfarfar from deathly thin, I highly doubt the recovery center would even let me in, I don't belong in recovery, I'm not in the double digits yet.

In all honesty, "recovery" terrifies me. I want to keep my perception, my thoughts, they're mine, my identity. I'm afraid they will strip away, erase me and rebuild me from a normal-sized mold and fill me with artificial happiness and sweetners, stuff in fake clean, safe thoughts, and cut and shape me to their perception of "healthy".

I want to keep, I hate this disorder. It makes my life stable, it destroys it. I crave the control, yet I'm falling apart. Help me, go away. One day, I'll make up my mind.

I fully support you if you choose to recover and leave your eating disorder behind and congratulate you on making a healthy choice.

Would you consider recovery or not?

Comment Replies: Thank you all for commenting! I hope everyone is doing well in the competition! :) Stay strong, it'll be worth it!

amber-angelxo- Thank you, you're so sweet. :) I combat those hopeless depressing moods by lying in bed, watching a movie, exercising, hanging with a friend, and waiting for something good to happen. Not a very good game plan, but it usually keeps me sane. I hope you have a lovely day!
JT- Awh thank you so much, you're too kind. :) Have an amazing day!
Olivia Lee- I'm incredibly glad you've gotten better. That's a truly inspiring story. It reminds me also that I haven't seen the full moon in a while, ever since last summer, I will make sure to really look at it the next time I'm outside at night. It saddens me when I can't see the stars some nights. You're absolutely right, you do deserve life and always will! :)
thin_thighs- I'm really happy that things with your boyfriend have improved. You're right, this week is a fresh start! Weigh-ins for the competition are on Friday, but feel free to update on your progress whenever you'd like. :) Thank you very much for the comment and kind words!
Aly- I'm so glad that you never followed through, I'm happy you're here today. :) I hope that everything has gotten better since then, if you need someone to listen, this community will always be here for you. Thanks for commenting!
Dani- It makes me very glad that you had the strength to get through the rough times. I agree, there's always something that gives us the will to live. Thank you for commenting!
thinlypure- I'm really sorry to hear about your overdose. I'm happy to hear that you've gotten through it and are alive and well. :) Thanks for commenting! Stay strong!
GraceyJ- I really hope you're okay! We're all here if you need anything.
~christy~  I'm so glad that the attempt didn't succeed, I'm happy that you got through it and I'm glad that you're here today. :) You're right, things will get better and you do have a reason for living. I admire your strength to go on. If you need someone to listen, I'll be here for you. Stay beautiful!
TheJDawg01- I'm really sorry to hear about that. That's really sweet of you to say, thank you. I hope you have a nice day! :)
Just Jessica- Thank you, you're too sweet. :) Have a lovely day, you deserve it!
unbeautiful- I'm sorry that you suffer from suicidal thoughts, I hope everything gets better soon for you. Please stay safe, we're all here for you if you need anything. We care so much about you, always remember that!
Bones- I'm happy to hear that it helped a little. I hope that you stay safe and that you have a beautiful day! :)
Neeska- I honestly teared up at your comment, you made my day, you're so incredibly sweet. I would also lose a piece of myself if you ever disappeared, so please don't ever disappear. :) I'm sorry to hear that you've had thoughts about death, but I'm glad that you're better now. :) I agree, life is definitely worth living, especially for the beautiful people who light up others' hearts with kindness and love, people like you, people like the lovely members of this community. I hope you have an amazing day!
Caro- Thank you so much, your comment was really sweet. I'm incredibly glad that you have had the strength to get through the rough times, I'm honestly happy that things have gotten better for you. If you ever need anything, I'm an email away. You're an incredible, beautiful person, and I hope you always remember that.
Mia- Thank you so much, I agree, everyone deserves to be loved and cared for. Stay beautiful!
ElliePerfection- You're really sweet, thank you so much for your kind words. I hope you have an amazing day, you deserve it! :)
Ana's Addict- I'm glad that you've gotten through your suicidal thoughts. Thank you for promising, the world needs amazing people like you. Thank you for your sweet words, stay strong, stay beautiful! :)
jellyworms- One day, I hope to save someone's life, because then my life will have had a purpose. I'm truly sorry to hear about that, it must have been very difficult for you. I hope you're okay, stay strong and stay beautiful.
Britni Marie- I'm really sorry to hear about your experience, I'm very glad you got through it. I'm glad you don't feel that way anymore. Thank you, it's sweet knowing I can talk to you if I need it. :)


  1. Recovery is not in my vocabulary as of yet.
    You know what they say, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
    I am not broken yet, at least not to the point of being beyond repair.
    Maybe someday, I will need it.
    For now, no.
    I support those who are trying to recover, however. :)
    Hope you are doing well, love.
    Hang in there and stay strong! <3

  2. I kind of feel like you. Part of me wishes to recover. Maybe not recover but not have an ed. Or not as bad of one. I want control. I want to be thinner. I'm at a healthy weight for my height and everything with me is healthy and recovery costs so much money that it really doesn't seem worth it to me. I've been in a psych ward which I consider close enough to a recovery facility. There's bad ones and good ones. And the cost isn't worth it to me and everything would feel very fake. And everything would probably wear off once I got back home and living my normal life. My depression and cutting and suicidal thoughts came back after being released from the psych ward. I doubt recovery would be any different. But I guess I'm not ready to try to recover and the psych wards weren't somewhere I wanted to go to. So maybe if I want to recover and do it that way I would do everything the right way. Although if I want to quit, I would much rather try it on my own (maybe with the help of a few select people) first.

  3. recovery is a hard thing to do trust me i know i have tried to recover mutiple times and each timei failed adn relapsed wrose then i already was
    and even if u do recver u dont leave all this behind the thoughts are still there its justhow u fight them i was recoverd for nearly 3 years well i call it "semi recovery" cuase it wasnt full there is nuttin as full recovery when it comes to an eating disorder yeahi was eating more alomst nomral but there was still food that i wouldnt eat i would still exercse like a crazy person and my weight was likebetween 110-115 which is still underweight for my height well not fully underweight 111 lbs is the lowest ideal weight for my height

    if ppl wanna recover they have to realize thats its hard its not just i go get help i talk to therapist and bam im better it doesnt work like that and eatind disorder is alwasy there with u u will have to fight against everything u know every second of every day u have to fight to not to the behaviors that u are so customed to doing

    sorry didnt mean to ramble on there

  4. Thankyou and i am okay.
    recovery scares me too but a recovery center probably would take you at that weight. dont forget all the mental shit and not just weight issues.
    im not ready to recover either . although sometimes i crave it.

  5. I've tried multiple times. I know I will need to eventually. But not now. I hate that that is my answer though

  6. I truly believe that the need for recovery should be based on the state of the mind more than the body, but at the end of the day, it's everyone's CHOICE.

    I, personally hate the word 'recover' because it implies that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I don't need to be reminded of that, thanks. Besides, depression is a perfectly healthy response to a world gone mad!

    I'm not a puzzle to be solved or something to be fixed, but I do believe that I am capable of managing my own disorders, so that they will not rule or ruin my life. I have the power, not the doctors! I am a self-correcting human being!

    Did I mention I'm also a stubborn little bitch?! Have a great day, Babe! <3. XXX.

    P.S. Love the new title! Rock on!

  7. Recovery is the death of the brain.. at least that's the way I see it...
    .. but then again, I'm so dumb I'm still fat!

  8. You can't recover if there's nothing wrong with you. Which is what I am totally and utterly healthy. Ugh.

    Fat free love xx

  9. Hey, I just wanted to comment on your blog and say 'hey!' I'm new to the blogging scene, check mine out if you'd like "The Beauty of Bones". I want to tell you how inspiring I think you are. The world of Ana is painted grey and dark and somehow you add such colour with your positive words and voice of optimism for all us Anas out there. I've read every post of yours and every reply to comments you've given and I can tell you are a very kind and supportive person :)
    You have an incredible amount of control and will power, I love the quote you have in your blog page about how your hunger for thinness outweighs your hunger for food, it reminds me to think everytime my body craves something my mind knows it doesn't deserve to say ' would you rather eat that, or be thin?'
    ps love the blog name! PLEASE KEEP WRITING! i've been reading lots of other Ana Blogs but a lot of them have gone either into recovery, haitus, or hiding of some sort and reading blogs is such a good distraction to pass the time instead of eating!
    I'll be here if you ever need anything, someone to talk to or support, an understanding voice or an open ear.
    Stay Strong & Think Thin
    Love, Ana's Angel

  10. I dont think i could ever recover. I refuse to go to therapy, just the idea of talking about all this face to face with a total stranger who lets face it has never been here so has no idea. When you want something so badly it pushes everything out of the way to get there and im not there yet. I hope then when i get there i will still be strong enough to sustain that without letting it get out of control, after all thats what its all about right? control.
    Much love and be strong. Jxxx

  11. I wouldn't want someone making me eat, so I wouldn't consider recovery.

  12. i love when_in_rome's comment, and i completely agree, you shed some much needed light and positivity to this world. and i personally thank you for that! =) also, hell no i couldn't do recovery - sure i'm double digits, but 98 lbs isn't near unhealthy for me height. even at 92 lbs (goal) i would be healthy with my activity and height and all. recovery, i agree, it would change me as a person.. i like who i am as a person. i would never let that happen to myself.

  13. Just like you can't fix what ain't broken, you also can't fix what's broken beyond repair. Recovery depends on the state of mind. After many bad things happened to me one right after another, the new one not giving me any time to recover from the previous one, i couldn't take it, i was falling apart. I tried to go back to how it was before but it didn't work. Those changes were permament, i couldn't do anything about it even though i wanted to.
    Eating disorder helps to distract me from the problems i couldn't solve. I have a goal now, my life isn't all gray and black, there's also some white in it. I need it. Even if it's only a distraction. And recovery from the ED will only return me to the horror i've been running away from.

  14. I been in and out of recovery (it was forced). I've relapsed several times but never to an extreme. This is me getting extreme (althogh I'm still fat as hell). I agree with some of the other girls that recovery based off your mentality. Yes, if you reach a critically low weight then obviously "recovery" would happen but it probably wouldn't be the real thing. I think the real thing only happens when you are mentally ready for it. Like Dani said, it's a lifelong battle and the thoughts will always be there. If you aren't mentally ready for recovery, (I personally believe) you will not truly recover.

  15. I think of that too I mean, sometimes I wish I could just be like everyone else, I wish people would care, you know? But I don't think I ever will unless I NEED it just because I feel big still, I mean I'm still a healthy weight, I just know my thoughts are wrong.
    And I feel like in recovery I'd just be watched and judged and I'm not so good at talking about myself.
    But, then again, maybe I'll be happy.
    I don't know :$

    P.S. you're a lovely writer :)

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  17. i'm the same way. i think about it sometimes, and when i see girls i know who went through recovery it makes me cry. they're just so strong and you can see how much happier and free they are now. but, i just don't think i could do it. i feel like it's too impossible and even if i attempted recovery i would relapse.

    by the way, i hope your doing well (:

  18. I often have these feelings, but i always remember how happy this lifestyle makes me. It has been there with me from the very beginning. Longer than anyone has, or anyone will. And just liek you i have no desire to recover, and i know relapse would be the outcome of attempted recovery. I hope you stay strong! <3

  19. i'm being forced into 'recovery' right now. which is a joke since i'm nowhere near thin.

    i totally get what you're saying. you put it so well.

    thanks for being a constant in this storm, my darling.

  20. "I want to keep, I hate this disorder. It makes my life stable, it destroys it. I crave the control, yet I'm falling apart. Help me, go away. One day, I'll make up my mind."

    This is exactly how I feel....



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