Saturday, May 7, 2011

I must have broken a mirror.

Aren't plateaus just awful? Broke my plateau at last, 104 lbs, not enough, I need to do this faster. 

Breaking a mirror gives you 7 years of bad luck, according to some superstition, but I try not to think about superstitions, because I'm superstitious about thinking about superstitions, strangely. 

My luck is so terrible sometimes, I'm partially convinced that some god out there is watching my life like a soap-opera, throwing in terrible surprises just for the fun of it. 

IT is attending the same summer program camp thing with me (ha what are the chances? 1/15, since there are 15 sites for this program). I thought he was out of my life a very long time ago, that I'd never see him again, pretend to myself that it never happened. I'm afraid, because I know he'll do it again. Just thinking about him makes me feel chills. It's like watching a horror movie, you know something awful is going to happen, can feel it, you yell at the characters grab a weapon, get out of the house, runrunrun, but there is nothing you can do to change it. 

I need to starve away myself, until there's nothing left that he can corrupt and hurt. 

Comment Replies:
Just Jessica- She's a incredibly thinspiration! An ana buddy would definitely be great in moments of weakness, I wonder if there's a specific website that matches people up with a fellow ana buddy. Thanks for commenting! :) 
Almost Alex- Strong and beautiful is the best combination. Thank you for your comment! :)
FeatherWeight- I'm sorry you've had a rough time lately, tomorrow is always a fresh start though! It's never too late to start working for what we crave. I'm glad that the post helped a bit. Don't worry, I'll get your comments out of the spam box. :) Thanks for the comment!
Meg- She seems isolated, even when she's with people. I envy her beyond anything. I love your comment, it's very beautifully written. A fragile body, fragile like thin ice, is what I crave, and you're right, it'll be ironic, because it will show incredibly self-control and strength. I will definitely quote you one day. Thank you so much for commenting! :)
Honor Regzig- People were worried and suspected her of not eating. Those recovery camps and feeding tubes are one of my worst nightmares, people trying to forcibly change a person's body to their perception of "healthy", it's terribly wrong. I agree, it makes me feel wanted if someone is worried. Thank you for commenting! :)
~christy~- She's doing fine, and looking as thin and beautiful as ever. I know you have the self-control to do it, all the struggles and the pain will be worth it in the end, because it's what we need. Thank you for commenting! :) 
S.- Thanks for the comment!
jackie- I love dizziness, it means I've been strong for the day. I hope you do another vlog sometime! Thank you for commenting! :)
Ana's Addict- I envy those girls incredibly. You already inspire me, one day you'll definitely be in thinspiration pictures, helping motivate others to achieve your level of self-control. Thank you for commenting! :)
Dani- Be careful please, I don't want you to fall and hit something hard! Congrats though, on your incredible self-control, keep it up! Thank you for commenting! :)
thin_thighs- I love reading your blog, I'm honored you and others take the time to comment. :) Don't worry, that's not creepy, it's hard not to stare at real life thinspo, I do the same thing, it's great she's motivating. Thank you so much for commenting!
Britni Marie- I'm sure you have the strength to do this, remember, you are in control of the food, the food doesn't control you. :) I repeat that to myself sometimes. Thanks for commenting!
SimplyHeather- I hope you had fun at the parties! Good luck on your fast, you'll do great! :) Thanks for the comment!


  1. Good job on breaking the plateau. It's always tough.
    I'm sorry you're seeing that boy again. Is there any way you can switch camps? I don't want you going through that again.
    Please stay safe.

    BTW, the dress was lavendar.

  2. good job!!! oh man 104.....i need to get there soon xoxo

  3. Thank you so much for you comment it made me think

    "ok stop. breath. what can you do to make this better? exercise? YES what else? DO NOT EAT ANYTHING ELSE TODAY!!! anything else?? DON'T EAT EVER AGAIN"

    thinking there was something I could do made it so much less stressful and I stopped obsessing over my fail /moved onto fixing it. I feel now that I am back on track!I burned 600 calories at the gym so far did some killer pilates ab workouts and I go back to the gym in about an hour with my boyfriend.

    THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. you saved me.

    ANYWAY, I am so glad you like reading my blog sometimes I think people are thinking SHUT THE FUCK UP FAT ASS. good to know someone likes it!!!

    Stay strong and beautiful 104 sounds like a dream congratulations !!!
    <3 Jess

  4. OMG I am so sorry my comment was like a book

  5. Woah! 104! I'm super jealous! Good for you, though! ^^

  6. o dont u worry about me im use to falling i get right back up
    yay for breaking the plateau thats great yayf or 104
    sorry that it will b there though ugh

  7. 104 is amazing, congratulations! :)
    I'm new here following your blog, and IT I think I can kinda get the gist of what your talking about. I'm sorry about that, :(
    I'm here if you ever need to talk, just know that. But keep up the good work, you seriously inspire me to starve right now. :)

  8. Congrats on breaking the plateu! It's one of the most difficult things to do.

    I'm so sorry you're seeing IT again. Please be careful and stay away from him. I hope he won't try to do anything to you. Maybe if you can, then go to another camp. I would have freaked out if i ever saw my IT again(even though he didn't "go all the way" but i hate him for what he did).

    Take care and stay strong!

  9. lol yeah like :) love the picture. much love and be strong. 104? jealous :( Jxxx

  10. Stumbled upon your blog and thought I would say congratulations on breaking your plateau. They are so damn frustrating when you're stuck on one!

    I'm not sure the situation with "it" but I've been through enough that I can imagine. I hope that you can f ind a way to switch programs.

    I can totally relate to wanting to starve until there is nothing left to be corrupted. Pretty much where my e.d. comes from. I'm so sorry that you've gone through so much. I admire your strength. <3

  11. I love your blog! You inspire me!

    Breaking a plateau is awesome!

    I'm sorry about your bad luck....Soap Opera God is cruel. haha

  12. Thank you for subscribing to me :) I hadn't found you before and I thought I'd say hello: HELLO :)

    I'm glad you broke it. I hate it so much when I'm stuck because I feel as if I'll never ever get anywhere.

    Fat free love x

  13. ughh i hate plateaus! i have STILL not been able to break mine of 97 lbs! since mid early february now.. three months! and still not broken. glad someone's breaking them, wishfully thinking it'll be a domino effect and i'll break mine this weekend x)

  14. So happy you broke your plateau!
    That is great to hear! :D
    Keep up the great work!
    You are doing amazing! :D
    Hang in there and stay strong love! <3


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