Monday, May 2, 2011

where does it hurt?

currently too afraid to weigh in. last time checked= 104.5 pounds.

Do you cut or self-harm in a different way? When did you start? 

I was in either kindergarden or pre-kindergarden, when my friend taught me how to hurt myself. We would purposely fall from the monkey bars onto the stones or scrape our knees against the rough sidewalk. Why? We had no solid reasons, we were only maybe 5 years old, even then, my mind was twisted. We would get sent to the nurse's office, she would ask, "What happened, where does it hurt?" and we would point to our knee or arm. A bandage with cartoon characters, a sticker, an ice pack, there you're all better, see it's fixed, you're a brave girl.

Many years later, I'm still destroying myself, in a very different way. I still have a twisted mind.  the nurse asked me now, "What happened, where does it hurt?", I'd tell her "I don't know, it's inside my mind," but the doctors would get a sharp knife, cut open my head to look at my mind, they'd stick a bandage on my brain. They'd read my thoughts and rip them out, slice away the bad parts, there you're all better, see it's fixed, you're a brave girl. 

Comment Replies: Thank you for commenting, I love hearing your thoughts! 
Cinnamon Brown- I completely agree, sometimes family members think unconditional love will last, that it's deserved, even when they hurt us and try their best to bring us down. One addiction for another, I like that. Exercise is amazing, I love the endorphins and the muscle soreness. Good luck on it, I know you have the strength! Thanks for commenting glad the zodiac is true for you! :)
Just Jessica- Leo always reminds me of a lion, for some reason. I'm pretty sure I had a kid's book once, about Leo the Lion or something. Thanks for commenting! :)
-christy-- The scale determines my mood always, I think I'll avoid it for a while. That's cool, I haven't met many Virgos! Thank you so much for your comment! 
Almost Alex- Cooking for others is amazing, they think you must be eating and they'll be delighted for the food. I'm sure you'll be a great cook! Thanks for the comment!
lulu- Hello fellow Aquarius! I found it on a very helpful website, click on the link in the zodiac post. :) Thanks for commenting!
Skinny_legs- You're the 2nd Virgo to comment! I'm going to look up the Virgo personality according to the Zodiac. Thanks for your comment! :)
MadelinaCooke- I love Scorpios, I know two of them in my life, amazing people. Thanks for your comment! :)
thin_thighs- That's good, balance is always a great thing! Good luck this week, I know you can achieve your goals! :) Thanks for commenting!
Lucy Hart- Let's both weigh in, after we've had several good restricting days. :) Thanks for your comment, have a lovely day!
Dani- My best friend is a Capricorn! Somehow the word reminds me of Thanksgiving. Thanks for commenting, glad the zodiac is true for you! :)


  1. i cut ive been cutting for over 2 years now but ive been hurting myself my hole life with either starcing binging over exercise or purposly hurting myself ive been on crutches more time then i can count im in pain everday from it pain that most ppl wouldnt b able to live with but thats what i have to deal with at least pain makes me realize that i acutally am alive
    i need to get my weight back down last time i checked i was 106 and thats lkke 6 lbs above my comfort zone never trying recovery again

  2. okay, we will both weight in, just say the word(: and when i was in 6th grade i started cutting myself and didnt stop untill my senior year of highschool where i started with my constant starving, binging, and purging, still to this day i was to take something and cut, but my mission is perfection, as much as people frown upon what i do i dont care, its what makes me feel good, my whole life has been one year of self mutilation after another.xoxox

  3. I have thought about cutting a lot lately. I guess you could say I used to be a cutter. honestly if my boyfriend wasn't around I would probably still be a cutter. My brain is totally fucked. It probably has been my whole life. All induced my a ex-drug addict now alcoholic father and perfectionist mother. WOW i make them sound really bad. they are not though. I love them to death. they helped me a lot but also twisted me. I guess thats what we do to people we love. we love them and help them but hurt them and fuck them up. SAD.

    ON A GOOD NOTE: 104.5 that is amazing. i pray i see those numbers soon.

    Stay strong.
    <3 Jess

  4. I think I've been cutting for a few days over a year now. Honestly, when I started, I never thought I would keep doing it, then the cuts and scars became battle scars.
    For about a week I burned my hip with a curling iron.

    Wow, I doubt I'll ever be 104.5! That's awesome!

  5. I used to.. When I was around 18, so for me its way behind. But ya.. It was a combo of my issues with my mom.. My ex. and I hated everything I was.. So much was happening to me/around me.. And I was my way of keeping the pain in control.. I dont know if it makes sense..

    104 is a good number. I am way way way from it.. But Ill get there..

  6. my boyfriend got me to stop.. well.. i did it once without him knowing in the past few months, but really i just 'abuse' simple OTC painkillers now, when i can.. i take them from my friend's house and my boyfriend's house if i have the opportunity, a few at a time, til i have enough and need them one day i feel like shit and take them all within a ten minute span.
    as for cutting, well i started to do it ritually in grade nine, two years ago, til beginning of grade eleven this year, though i slip up as mentioned time to time without anyone knowing, never enough now for anyone to notice.
    and the kindergarten thing, i used to do that too.. not with a friend, just myself, but i think for me it was the attention i got whenever i got hurt. if i tried but didn't get hurt enough to be sent to the nurse i'd fake it, to get the bandages, the ice in a ziploc bag, the attention.. one of the reasons i need to lose the weight i think even, need for attention, i'm constantly pushed to the shadows, always felt i have been. sorry for the long comment ahah didn't realise it was so long!

  7. I cut. I started when i was 10. I was thinking about suicide but it didn't work out. But i liked the feeling i had when i stared at my blood - it was as if all my bad emotions were disappearing. So whenever somebody got me depressed, sad or angry i was cutiing myself. But when i was 16 i was afraid that i'll have those scars forever, so i stopped. For almost 2 years i was simply scratching my arms with scissors but scratching didn't help much. This spring i started cutting again.

    P.S. I also haven't weighed in yet. Too scared.

  8. Yeh the Lion is the star symbol, and my first tattoo :) it means 'the strong one' or so im told. Love the Jeans btw! Much love and be strong. Jxxx

  9. Before I started cutting I would just not eat for like 20 hours. I wasn't starving for weightloss then. Then I started cutting. I was 13. I've tried burning myself but it just never worked for me as well as cutting. And when I was in Kindergarten and before that I couldn't see (I needed glasses but no one really knew) so I would get hurt a lot accidentally.

  10. I've cut myself since I was 13. I actually learned in a mental hospital. 0.o I've really been trying hard to stop cutting for about two years now. I've probably only cut about 15 times (multiple cuts in one session though) since March of '09. I still claw at my arms and scratch myself though. I also dig my nails into my body. I also hit and bite myself. I do a lot of self-harming behavior. :( I'm just fucked up like that. But I'm trying to stop. It's been almost two months since I cut. :) It's hard but it is possible.

  11. i'm really funky in my SI. I peel the skin from my feet to the point where it bleeds/makes walking VERY painful. basically i've been to the point where i wanted to cut, have had the razor blade and everything but i can't seem to cut on my arms or legs. if you've ever read the Bell Jar my reason is similar where i just don't want to hurt something that has never hurt me. so i pick and it doesn't scar or leave marks, the skin just grows back.

  12. I am not one to self-harm physically.
    I do not have the heart or will to do so.
    I guess the majority of my self-harm is emotional and mental.
    I am always beating myself up and guilt tripping myself when something I do goes wrong.
    Maybe one day when I am perfect I will not do it any more.
    Hang in there and stay strong love! <3

  13. I started cutting myself every once in awhile when i was 15. I never even knew that existed until i watched the movie Thirteen. I was watching this movie and i was so appauled and thought omg why the hell would she cut herself? So one day i was very very depressed over a guy and i literally cried all day, so i decided to try it, and it actually let a huge release of pain out and i felt much better. But im not a chronic cutter, i usually do 3 times a year. But im on antidepressants now, so life isnt as dark as it use to be to me.

  14. this post is brilliantness.

    Just sums it up perfectly, and it's poetic. I can't even comment more then that because I am overcome with envy.


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