Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Competition Progress?

How is everyone doing in the competition? I'd love to hear your progress! I hope everyone is doing well and staying motivated! We're still about 22 days away from the end of the competition, June 10th!

It's a beautiful day today, it really is. 

I'm truly alive, for what feels like the first time. I've been existing, not living, for as long as I can remember. Mere existence is sad, lonely, being a rock living next to a rose. I've pulled myself out of the depths of the past, away from the memories that once felt more real than the present. I'm finally here where I belong. I don't know how long I'll stay here, but I'm very excited about my life, my friends, my future, I'm excited to finally live. 

Comment Replies:
Ana's Addict-I agree, I'm not completely broken either. I hope I never get forced into recovery, I want it to be my own choice if one day I ever decide I'd like to "recover", (I can't imagine myself wanting that). Thanks for commenting! :)
kes- I have no idea how much recovery costs, how much is it? You're right, a facility is a controlled environment, and any progress might fade away once a person is back in the "real world", with all the other pressures of life. I hope that your depression has gone away, if you need anything, I'm here to listen. I'm not ready to change yet either, maybe one day we will, but I think that day is a very long time away, for me at least. I hope you have a lovely day!
Dani- I'm really sorry to hear about your relapses, I hope that you find your way towards either recovery or continue down this path, whichever you are working towards. I don't think I would be able to leave this part of me behind ever. Recovery sounds like a struggle, I honestly can't imagine what it's like. Thank you for your insight!
GraceyJ- Yup, I agree, mental issues are just as important as physical issues. I'm glad you're okay. :) I hope you have a great day, you deserve it!
Wings to Set me Free- I wish you luck in recovery when you decide to recover, I'm positive you have the strength to go through with it. Sometimes I wonder if many of us will, one day in the distant future, choose recovery. Thank you for commenting!
Cinnamon Brown- "The need for recovery should be based on the state of the mind more than the body", you're completely right, thank you for reminding me of this! I also love what you said about depression being a natural response to a chaotic world. Sometimes I wonder if anyone can see that this world we live in is just so wrong, but the people around me never openly question the insanity of it. I admire your control over your life, you seem very determined! Thank you for your insight, you always have interesting things to say! :)
Lucy's Shadow- Sometimes I feel as if "recovery" will kill a huge part of me and leave me with emptiness, I loved what you said about recovery being the death of the brain. Good luck, stay beautiful!
Thin Thrills- I wonder if sometimes I actually have a relatively healthy mental state, and the people around me are a little insane. Thank you for commenting! :)
when_in_rome- Your comment made my entire day, thank you thank you thank you! You're so sweet, I'm really happy to hear you've read every post. I checked out your blog, I really enjoyed reading it and I will definitely keep up with it. :) Love your username by the way! I agree, it makes me so sad when bloggers stop blogging without a warning, I always wonder where they have gone. I hope to keep writing for a very long time, forever until an obstacle gets in the way, such as forced recovery. Thank you so much for your kind words, I hope you have a lovely day!
Just Jessica- I can relate to what you said about refusing to talk to a stranger who has never gone through or experienced an eating disorder, how can they help us "recover" if they don't know what we've been through? I know you have the strength to reach your goals and keep it all under control. Good luck, stay beautiful!
Thin or Not- I can't imagine how awful I would feel if I had someone forcing me to eat, the word "recovery" saddens me (though I fully support people who choose recovery). Thank you for commenting!
alice ana- Thank you so much, you're so kind! :) I admire you extremely for being in the double digits, your control is truly inspiring. I feel the same way about recovery, I refuse to lose my identity just because it interferes with someone else's perception of "healthy". Thank you for commenting!
~christy~ - "you also can't fix what's broken beyond repair", I love what you said, it is so true. I think to truly recover, someone has to want it, and want to leave their disorder behind, and even then, I've heard it is very difficult. "Eating disorder help to distract me from the problems I couldn't solve," I might quote you one day! I'm glad you have a goal now, we all need something to believe in and strive for. Good luck, I'm positive that you will accomplish your goal!
unbeautiful- You're right, mentality issues are as urgent as physical issues, and possibly more important, because the physical issues are a result of the mentality of an eating disorder. I hope everything is okay and that you either recover or a different goal, whichever you currently want.
thin and bones- I also wish people would care, but I would do anything possible to hide my disorder. I care about you, this community cares about you, we'll always be here for you. I am also afraid of being watched and observed, recovery sounds terrifying to me. I wish you luck in reaching your goals! Thank you for commenting, and thank you for complimenting my writing, you're so sweet. :)
time to pretend- I've never actually seen anybody who has gone through recovery. It's nice to hear that they are now stronger and happier, maybe one day in the far future, I will envy that freedom and choose to leave this life behind. I wish you luck in whichever goal you choose to strive for, you have incredible strength to accomplish whatever you want!
anaxoforever416- Thank you for reminding me that this lifestyle does make me relatively happy or content, I shouldn't dwell on the negative. I'm glad that you are happy, I hope you have a lovely day! :)
jackie- I'm incredibly glad that you are back, I've missed you a lot, even though it has been like a day or two days! I hope that everything is okay, and that you either recover or continue your lifestyle, whichever you currently want. :)
Moonlight Mistress- It's nice to know that you feel the same way,  it's scary to feel alone in my thoughts. Thanks for commenting! :)


  1. I feel that my progress is good. Slow and steady. I've been doing yoga everyday for 8 days so I'm actually gaining muscle which I don't mind. After I subtract exercise my intake has remained under 1000 calories every day. I'm not sure If I'll win or not. I would just love to be at 150-153lbs by the end date :)

    I glad to see that your finding yourself, and most important, happiness.

  2. I was doing great until today when I binged ALL day practically. Its great that you're happy!

  3. I'm so glad that you are doing well today. There truly is a difference between living and just existing. I'm glad that you are moving on and happy:)

  4. I'm glad that you feel alive! ^__^
    As for the competition, it's been 53 hours and I haven't touched any form of food. Hoo-rah!

  5. Glad you are feeling good today hon :) My progress.. it WAS good but for some reason i seem to have gained weight today :S I can not understand why.. I guess I eat too much and should restrict more...

    Keep having a good day and week <3

  6. Good to hear you're feeling so great honey :)

    As for competition progress - things are going okay. I haven't been weighing myself daily which is an achievement in itself! I've had a couple of bad days, but I've never gone over 1000 and rarely go over 500 so it's not too bad!

    Tbh, if I get back into the 120s by the end of this, I'll be happy!

  7. I'm happy to hear you are feeling on top of things! I know what you mean about just existing, wait till you get out of school you'll feel great everyday! ;)

  8. I'm glad that you are feeling good! I can relate to existing and not living, so it's great that you managed to leave the bad things behind and move on ◕‿◕

    As for my progress...i lost 1 kg(2.2 lbs) even though i binged on Tuesday. Today i'm fasting, i haven't eaten anything for 19 hours. Maybe i'll fast till the end of the week.

  9. The last time I was thrown in the loony bin as I like to call it, it cost me $9191.02. That was for about 10 days, so about $920/day. Not exactly cheap. Not exactly something most people could afford. I'm going to guess that recovery from an eating disorder would run about the same (maybe more). But for recovery, I doubt 10 days would be enough. I would guess 30 or more. Although outpatient might be an option to some people who aren't as bad. Outpatient would probably cost $250/hr to see a doctor and then a nutritionist would probably cost another $100. So outpatient would be the cheapest way. It might be the best way too since you can stay in the real world and adjust easier. But outpatient would probably only work if the person wanted dot recover.

  10. Hearing that you are really living for the first time in a long time is so awesome! :)
    You deserve to live, not just exist.
    A life of existence is a sad one, anyway.
    I would not wish that on anyone.
    As for my progress, I am trying, I really am.
    I have to wait a couple more days yet to see if my hard work is really paying off or not.
    Watching ED documentaries and things really helps keep me motivated and on the right track.
    I will get there one day; I strive to be someone else's thinspiration. :)
    I hope you are doing well!
    Your blog is one of my absolute favorites to read. :)
    Hang in there! <3

  11. Hiya hunnie, after a god awful weekend, Im exactly the same :/ But going to work my arse off this week!!
    Glad you're feeling better, stay strong :)

  12. i'm glad to hear that you're finally enjoying and getting everything out of your life! i know exactly how you feel! as a result of this prior relapse, i feel amazing. i wake up eevry morning looking forward to the day, knowing that i have something to live for, something to keep me alive. it's a great feeling!

    as for the competition (previously anaxoforever416) i'm not quite sure how my weight will ring in tomorrow, but i've been doing well. i had a binge tuesday, but i've been sticking to 600 calories or less. i can't exercise at the moment due to medical problems, but i've been doing sit ups and ab work outs to hopefully flatten my tummy!

    thank you for giving me this motivation!

  13. ur welcome hun if u have ne questions or just want to know more about my sturggles and attempted recovery u can ask i will asnwer pretty much nething

    progross im doing aight im down a pound so im 105 as of this morning its been a rough week though with the chest pains

    i wish it was a beautiful day out here its been raining for dasy

  14. Friday WI.. Down 2 lbs. this week

  15. Hi Im a new follower of yours just wanted to say how gorgeous your blog is and what a genuinely gorgeous person you seem to be! Im happy for you that you are living, Im trying to find that too. :)


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