I wondered where all the color had gone, this world was painted in black and gray. The girl stood against the blank white cement wall, outlined by the crude black marker drawing of a large person, contrasting with her skeletonthin body. Her head was bent, she stared at the marker beside her bare feet. The girl's long hair hung over her face, I had a sudden urge to know who it was. A man dressed in a white lab coat, carrying a clipboard, approached her slowly, conveying either impatience or caring. He picked up the marker and began to trace her body. The girl looked up, her face turning to him, I saw her angry scared face, my face.My first dream since longer than I can remember, first dream in black and white (does anyone else dream in black and white?). I used to dream almost every night, but this disorder has taken away my former escape from reality, from life, and replaced it with a constant nightmare.
It made me think about perception. I wonder if the reflection in the mirror is false, if my eyes are flawed. I used to believe that 100 pounds was thin, now that I'm there, 90 is what I should strive for. I used to think I'd never get an eating disorder, used to not know the mind of an anorexic. But now, I can't get these thoughts out of my head.
"Society" perceives our minds, our ideals as unhealthy wrong sick, and it makes me wonder if I'm insane, if what I'm doing is madness.
Comment Replies: Thank you all so much for your comments! They always bring a smile to my face.
kes- Thank you so much for your support! (:
Wings to Set me Free- Thank you! (:
Bones- Thank you! I'm much happier now with every aspect of my life. (:
Dani- Congrats on being in the 80's, I know you'll get there again! You're an incredible inspiration, the 80's is an amazing accomplishment.
Thin or Not- Thank you! My normal intake varies, from 500-800 calories, and I play tennis for 2 hours and go on walks. But the day before I dropped 2 pounds, I had a terrible day of about 1800 calories, I have no idea how I got down to 100.
ullalexie- Thank you very much for your support, it means a lot! :)
Gianni- I'm glad you've decided to start a blog, I'll check it out! (: I have no idea what I'd do without this blog, I'd be completely lost. Thank you for commenting!
AJ- I wish I could preserve these feelings in a bottle and keep them forever. :) Thanks for commenting!
Thin Thrills- Thank you very much for the fat free love! :)
ElBar7a- Thank you so much! I'd go crazy if I couldn't get to a scale, good luck, I'm sure the scale will reflect your hard work!
~christy~- Thank you so much, you made me smile!
Cinnamon Brown- That is quite awesome, how two cities so far away and in separate countries can be related! I never knew that there were ski resorts there! I hope you see snow this winter, it's very beautiful, though the experience of making snowmen is overrated (icecold freezing hands and the difficulty of stacking giant blobs on top of each other). The mosquitoes and the intense heat are the only things I dislike about summer. I hope you have a lovely day!
Ana's Addict- Thank you so much for your kind words! You always remind me that I'm not alone. I hope you have a lovely day! :)
Marie- Thank you so much for commenting! I'm glad you've started a blog also, I'll definitely be reading!