Sunday, May 29, 2011

"the colors drained to black and gray"

I wondered where all the color had gone, this world was painted in black and gray. The girl stood against the blank white cement wall, outlined by the crude black marker drawing of a large person, contrasting with her skeletonthin body. Her head was bent, she stared at the marker beside her bare feet. The girl's long hair hung over her face, I had a sudden urge to know who it was. A man dressed in a white lab coat, carrying a clipboard, approached her slowly, conveying either impatience or caring. He picked up the marker and began to trace her body. The girl looked up, her face turning to him, I saw her angry scared face, my face.
My first dream since longer than I can remember, first dream in black and white (does anyone else dream in black and white?). I used to dream almost every night, but this disorder has taken away my former escape from reality, from life, and replaced it with a constant nightmare.

It made me think about perception. I wonder if the reflection in the mirror is false, if my eyes are flawed. I used to believe that 100 pounds was thin, now that I'm there, 90 is what I should strive for. I used to think I'd never get an eating disorder, used to not know the mind of an anorexic. But now, I can't get these thoughts out of my head.

"Society" perceives our minds, our ideals as unhealthy wrong sick, and it makes me wonder if I'm insane, if what I'm doing is madness.

Comment Replies: Thank you all so much for your comments! They always bring a smile to my face.
kes- Thank you so much for your support! (:
Wings to Set me Free- Thank you! (:
Bones- Thank you! I'm much happier now with every aspect of my life. (:
Dani- Congrats on being in the 80's, I know you'll get there again! You're an incredible inspiration, the 80's is an amazing accomplishment.
Thin or Not- Thank you! My normal intake varies, from 500-800 calories, and I play tennis for 2 hours and go on walks. But the day before I dropped 2 pounds, I had a terrible day of about 1800 calories, I have no idea how I got down to 100.
ullalexie- Thank you very much for your support, it means a lot! :)
Gianni- I'm glad you've decided to start a blog, I'll check it out! (: I have no idea what I'd do without this blog, I'd be completely lost. Thank you for commenting!
AJ- I wish I could preserve these feelings in a bottle and keep them forever. :) Thanks for commenting!
Thin Thrills- Thank you very much for the fat free love! :)
ElBar7a- Thank you so much! I'd go crazy if I couldn't get to a scale, good luck, I'm sure the scale will reflect your hard work!
~christy~- Thank you so much, you made me smile!
Cinnamon Brown- That is quite awesome, how two cities so far away and in separate countries can be related! I never knew that there were ski resorts there! I hope you see snow this winter, it's very beautiful, though the experience of making snowmen is overrated (icecold freezing hands and the difficulty of stacking giant blobs on top of each other). The mosquitoes and the intense heat are the only things I dislike about summer. I hope you have a lovely day!
Ana's Addict- Thank you so much for your kind words! You always remind me that I'm not alone. I hope you have a lovely day! :)
Marie- Thank you so much for commenting! I'm glad you've started a blog also, I'll definitely be reading!


  1. I also dream in black and white.
    And I have had a dream similar to that.
    Then I woke up, realized I was not even close to the way I was in the dream, and cried.
    But hopefully, I will get there one day.
    If I screw up, I tend to say to myself, "Oh, there is always tomorrow, I can do better then."
    I owe it to myself to start today.
    To be my best RIGHT NOW.
    And I will.
    Hope you had a wonderful day. :)
    Hang in there and stay strong love. <3

  2. I have doubted myself, too, wondering if my mind is diseased, my perceptions warped. But that's when I truly started to go crazy: when I began to doubt my own sanity. I have what I've been given, and so do you. We'll just have to be strong and make the best of what we have.

  3. I noticed that, too - that I don't really dream, anymore. Someone asked me the other day if I sometimes had really strange dreams, and I thought about it, and realized I can't remember actually dreaming for the longest time.

  4. Do you think it's because you're calorically starved that your brain doesn't have the fuel to dream? <-- just a thought to ponder.

    And I do believe it is sick and warped to think these things. Normal people don't. We do. I don't know what to do about it aside from accepting my mind the way it works and trying to do the best I can for myself and for the loved ones around me. It's a time consuming, energy sucking battle every day. But I can't delve into either side whole heartedly.

    I wish you peace in your dreams. And offer the reassurance that just because you think in different ways doesn't mean you're alone in these thoughts.

  5. I like the way you word your posts :P In a way, I feel normal. I don't feel like I have a serious problem. I feel like I'm just eating healthier. I'm sure if I told my mom I had 800 calories today, I think it's a lot but she'd think that's way too little. I think differently, but do I think it's wrong? No. I think everybody else is wrong. I think they've been brainwashed.

    Originally my goal was 117 but look where I ended up. I'm trying not to fall too deep though and when my mind becomes too consumed with ana thoughts, I try to eat more before it goes too far. Good luck with everything!

  6. my goal is and has always been 110lbs however, ive never reached that goal yet, so i cant say whether i will want to go lower than 110lbs once i get there. i say that anything lower than 110lbs is much too thin...i say that now, but i dont know what i would say once i got there. i do believe anorexia does more abuse mentally than it does physically, and i think we all know how much damage it does physically. i dont have ana but i was diagnosed with EDnos because i restrict, but i am also addicted to exercise like a non purging bulimic, but i dont binge. i do believe i am sick, but i also know that most women dont eat "normally" they do have thoughts like an Eating disordered person, just not as extreme and most ED's usually started off with a simple diet such as atkins.

  7. You're a beautiful writer, and very intelligent as most of us ana girls are. you shine like a beacon, lovely. Keep trying, but remember, you've made it further than so many of us, try to tuck that under your belt :)

  8. I am absolutely in love with your blog. You have such strong words, I really relate to them. ♥
    Perception is messed up, 100 is perfect. I'm at the ugly 119. :(
    Keep your chin up and smile because you are so beautiful in this world and you deserve the absolute best in life.

  9. You are an amazing writer, I love reading your blog. I dream in black and white too most of the time.

  10. I've never dreamt in black and white, but I can only imagine it being a cold place without light... stay strong, because you are beautiful no matter what.

  11. I rarely dream. And when i do i usually don't remember what i dreamt about after i wake up. But i don't think i ever dreamt in black and white.

    100 pounds is really thin. But I guess it also depends on your height and bone structure. I'm 5'6" and my goal is 105 pounds and i think anything lower than 100 would be too thin for me. But if you're short then 90-95 pounds might look good on you. Just don't go lower than 90.

    Good luck and stay strong!

  12. your blog is really cute! I love the style you chose It is so sweet!. You are lovely for writing back to everyone thats nice and I lot of effort but it shows how much you appreciate everyone it is a nice idea. I might even steel it.:) Hope all is well you are gorgeous believe it :) XO

  13. i feel the exact same.. well not the dreaming part, but thinking i'd never ever get an ed.. i loved food, i do love food, but now i hate it as well. i used to just love it, and eat, and be fine. i never thought i'd start to hate it as well. but now, same thing, won't get out of my head.

  14. i dont dream much since i dont sleep much i wish i did though i miss dreams but my inosmnia is so bad

  15. I don't dream much, unless i take my ambien pill and then I dream crazy dreams... like getting kid napped and people getting murdered and eatin by alligators... Sometimes they are color other time black and white. I read somewhere that it's normal to dream in black and white.
    I think you should write a book you're really good at writing and using descriptive words.

  16. Hey! My dreams are very mundane. I like to think of it as my brain taking all the stimulus it experiences through the day and filing it away for future reference! The nightmares are the reason I started meditating. T.M. Is a great way to discharge pent up anxiety.

    Yeah, our one and only ski resort is Tiffendell. It's very pretty. The people in Elliot, near the resort, posted pictures of the snow they received last week in the newspaper. It's freaky!

    In response to your last statement, I say: FUCK SOCIETY!!! Heaps of love. <3. XXX.


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