Tuesday, May 24, 2011

"it's not enough, it never is"

202 followers? I never imagined that anyone would choose to read these thoughts and writings, it truly amazes me. Thank you to everyone for all of your support! I hope each and every one of you have a lovely day! 
102 pounds is equal to 110 pounds. Mathematically incorrect, but my thoughts are devoid of logic, my eyes can't register the progress. The brief moment of satisfaction after reaching a new goal is replaced by feelings of failure. I feel even worse, even more terrible now at 102 pounds than at my highest weight. I've fallen deeper in this hole while striving for what I believe in. 

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." reach goal/not enough/starve/restrict/reach goal/not enough. Repeat all the steps over and over, insanely expecting a different result, expecting it'll be enough for me. 

Beginnings of doubt are creeping into my head, am I really "sick"? Mental health is just as important and necessary as physical health, yet I feel I don't "deserve" to be classified as eating disordered until I'm emaciated and skeletal. Currently, my health is aggravatingly fine, though I can't recall the last time I had my period. 

On some terrible level, I want to be medically labeled as "anorexic". Maybe then, finally, it'll be enough. 

Comment Replies: Thank you all very much for commenting! I love reading comments, so feel free to share your insight.
Thin or Not- I used to peel corn dogs also. I wish I had your habits, you're definitely decreasing the calories by peeling everything. Thank you for commenting!
Ally- That's a really productive habit, you're able to control your cravings and you're going to be truly accomplished at drawing ice cream and other food. Thanks for the comment!
JT- I love making food look pretty also, I hate eating pretty things, so I usually end up not eating it. This is the first time I've heard of your habit, it's unique in a good way. Thanks for commenting!
Ana's Addict- Congrats on not eating junk food anymore! I've only had diet soda once, I've always been more of a water person. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who cuts food up into tinytiny pieces, I think many people with ED also do it, judging by these comments. I wish I had your compulsive exercising habits, you have such determination and control. I hope you have a lovely day! :)
Charl.- You have incredibly control, I don't think I could ever just eat the skin of an apple and throw the rest away. The cupcake thing was really interesting to hear about. I'm sorry that your food issues started when you were so young. Thank you for commenting, stay beautiful!  
~christy~- It's cool to hear how we have similar eating habits. I wish I ate slowly like you do, good job on that biscuit. :) I hope you have a lovely day!
Alex- I think that's quite cool actually, not strange. Now I'm curious as to what water smells like, the next time I have a drink, I'll make sure to sniff it. Thank you for commenting! :)
thinlypure- I wish I were able to eat slowly like you do, 8 crackers in 45 minutes shows a lot of control. What color plates do you have? One of my habits is similar to yours, for certain types of food, I have to eat odd numbers of it, others I can only eat even numbers of. Thanks for commenting!
Kate- I'm glad I'm not the only one who takes tiny bites of things. I am also embarrassed of taking huge bites, taking tiny bites is better looking than having a mouth bulging full of food. Thanks for commenting!
Almost Alex- I haven't figured out the calories for a fry, maybe 5 small fries would be under 100, though that would be inconvenient because I'm sure a fry order would come with a lot more than 5. Thanks for commenting!
jackie-Thank you, I'll try to keep my habits in control, I think they would be very difficult to stop. "It's a game and an object and an obsession." You have such a way with words, I think I'll quote you one day. :) Thank you for commenting! 
GraceyJ- Eating disorders have definitely affected our habits. Ours are similar, I cut things tiny, though I don't chew a lot. Thanks for commenting!
SingSinatra- I'm glad to hear that you are recovering from your old habits, and that you are able to eat healthy without feeling guilty. I wish you luck in your ED recovery!
Cinnamon Brown- I am very proud of you for breaking that habit!! It must have been a struggle, your strength is inspiring. "it takes way more than one 1500 calorie meal to gain", that was incredibly reassuring today, since I screwed up majorly. I've never completely understood the concept of metabolism and how some people have a fast metabolism and some people have a slow one, I'll have to read more about it. I'll check out the page, I love the title Dinner Menu! Thanks for commenting! 
displayed- Your determination to stick to set rules is quite amazing. I used to hate when silverware touched my teeth, though I was okay with it touching my lips. I'm sorry that your boy has started doing that, maybe you could talk to him about it or make it into a game somehow (depending on how old your child is), I don't have any parenting skills or knowledge though, I'm sorry. I hope you have a lovely day! 
Mia- I wish I had your eating habit, I always feel guilty about not finishing food. Brushing your teeth after a meal is a great healthy habit! I bet my dentist wishes I did that. Thank you for commenting!
Dani- Do you eat each ingredient separately? When I eat a sandwich, I feel like there has to be equal parts of tomato, bread, ham in each bite. It's cool to hear how we share some eating habits, like breaking apart bagels and bread. I wish I could leave one bite of everything on my plate without feeling guilt, finishing all the food on a plate is ingrained into me from childhood sadly. Thanks for commenting!
Incense- I also am afraid of eating anything that doesn't have calorie information on it. You sound like you have great control, especially since you can sit in front of a plate of food and not touch it, I try to avoid food because I don't trust my control. Thanks for commenting!
when_in_rome- I hate when food doesn't have the calorie information on it. I think that's quite an interesting habit actually, you have great control. I read a scientific study where the results showed that smaller utensils lead to a feeling of satisfaction earlier, is that why you use small utensils? Thanks for commenting!
lulu- I also prefer when toast is cut vertically (so that the bread becomes 2 triangles), though I don't have different rules for different types of spreads on toast. I think your habit of eating skittles is cool, it sounds very organized. I used to love the marshmallows in Lucky Charms, I miss them. Thank you for commenting!
Nichole S.-You have inspired me to want a food scale! Good job on figuring out the calories in each gram, that must have taken a lot of work. I also dislike trying to estimate how many calories are in an apple since the size varies a lot. Thank you for your comment!


  1. I know it seems like the label will help, like it will validate what you're doing, but for me it made no difference. I was sure I just wanted attention, but opening up to my therapist and actually earning that diagnosis didn't do a thing for me. I hope you're doing better, lovely :)

  2. I totally relate. I desperately seek out the label anorexic. It is never enough. I tell myself it'll be enough once I reach a bmi of 17.5 but I know it won't be. I'll never be satisfied.

  3. I can relate here.
    Even though I have lost so much weight, I cannot see the difference myself.
    I look the same at 148 lbs as I did at 180, in my eyes.
    I do not know if I will ever see myself through normal eyes.
    I do not have my hopes up.
    I guess only time will tell.
    As always, another thought provoking post.
    You are an amazing inspiration to me.
    Thank you. :)
    Hang in there and stay strong love. <3

  4. I'm sorry that you're not happy with 102. But, that is an amazing accomplishment. I am very happy for you!

  5. 102 is amazing, great job. I know how u feel though, the thinner I get the fatter I feel, irony much? xox

  6. Its amazing you reached 102 girl (: But I do know exactly what you mean I weighed over 20 lbs more this time last year and I feel like I gained 40. My eyes cannot see the difference, I cannot feel it either.

  7. I can relate. Even though i weigh 13 lbs less from what i used to, i still see myself as fat as i was before. Fasting and restricting helps to feel thinner but only for the first moment when i see i weigh less. The next moment it's not enough, all my satisfaction disappears because it's still too much. At first i wanted to weigh less than 130, now less than 120. But i know that when i finally do weigh less than that, i will want to be less than 110. And i'm not sure if i would stop there.

  8. I know how you feel, when i was at my lowest bmi 17.5 i still felt like it wasn't enought but at the same time that level of unhealthiness was taking a huge toal on my body. My hair was falling out, my skin was grey, and my mind was stuck in a hazy stupor. I felt both retarded and just numb. I knew i couldn't think straight, i couldn't keep up with converstations and i just didn't care about anything at all. Life was just one big blah an it was miserable because life is so much more than just dieting and numbness but at the same time i craved that numbness because i was using it to cope with other issues that i'd rather not deal with. I'd rather just pretend that all my problems were because i was fat or ugly and that becoming emaciated would solve everything even though it doesn't and i knew it wouldn't. Its just i didn't know how to solve any of my problems so i just blamed it all on my weight

  9. So... Is your goal weight still 95 lbs? Will that ever be enough? How will you know that you are finished?

  10. I enjoy reading your posts!
    All of them help me and keep me going too, cause I can't share this stuff with other people or relate to them.
    As for not feeling any different, I completely agree, I look in the mirror and still see the same person I was when I weighed over 20lbs more.
    I see photos of then and cringe though wondering how I ever looked like that and didn't have a problem with it..
    I guess things change hey.
    Good luck xx

  11. Ooo this one hit a nerve with me, like when you drive by somewhere you had a lot of fun at but you never want to go back inside?? I dunno, anyway, the label will do nothing but hinder you if you ever want to go to college (I'm sorry I don't know how old you are off the top of my head) or get certain jobs. It'll show up forever on your med transcripts, every doc from now till forever will see a big red Anorexia Nervosa stamp and never trust you, even if you're doing well. I've never been clinically diagnosed and that I think was my goal, to never be found out. I never went go the docs when my bmi is "too low" for them to be comfy with and haven't had a shrink since I was 18.

    So the moral of the story is yes, I know it would be validating to be seen as what you are, what you feel. But at the same time, don't let them chain you to a word, it won't be like what you think.

    And congrats at the 102! It is an acomplishment even if you can't accept that it is right now.

  12. Hey, when you're popular...! Congrats!

    I love that quote by Albert Einstein! I know you don't believe it, but you do display all the classic symptoms of an eating disorder. The obsession with perfection, the feelings of 'never enough', the feelings of doubt as to whether you actually have an illness and most importantly, the feeings of not being worthy of your disorder and the need for external validation of your disorder. The good news is, you're not alone, hence your almighty following!

    Yeah, I had to quit smoking with accupuncture! Smoking ruined my metabolism! Turns out I'm highly allergic to nicotine and it poisoned my thyroid! Thank Christ I'm not allergic to ganja! Thanks to quitting cigarettes and green tea tablets, my metabolism is back on track!

    In my experience, it's only enough when WE say it's enough. It's a choice we all have to make on our own. WE hold the keys to the locks that bind us and only WE can deem ourselves worthy. Heaps of love. <3. XXX.

  13. Congratulations on the fact that you motivate so many people! Take pride in it :)

    Sometimes, I wonder if we just want the labels. ... We label our self with out BMI, with our weight and in some cases with out deceases too.
    Are we just all lost and want to classify our selves as something. Hmm, not sure ... but it feels good to move from one higher # label to a lower # label. :D

    Take care and stay strong!

  14. I think if you went to a psychiatrist or something they would label you as anorexic I'm sure because when they told me I weighed 107 lbs and I'm only 5'2"

  15. Your blog is the most inspirational, in my opinion. & I follow quite a few. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.. I've come to realize that we think very much alike.
    -Ashley, XO

  16. I know how you feel! You'd think reaching a goal would make me happy in some way, but each time I do, I only hate myself more because I realized that the thing I strove for wasn't enough. Even when I was labelled "anorexic," I felt unworthy of the diagnosis because I'm still huge.

  17. yeahi eant everytihng speretly im weird liek that
    andi feel the same way as welll i feel like im not good enough or sick enough because no1 seems to notice i dont have that diangoisi ive been underweigh tmy hole life and the docs never say nething i do wish i could get dianogsed then i owuld feel like i really do have a problme

  18. Don't get disheartened! Chin-up, or "you've got to keep a stiff upper lip" as they say here in the UK...although that's more about suppressing emotion so that might not be the best advice! lol. I know when I was in the pits of mia, I was desparate for someone to haul me out but I wasn't thin enough and people just commented on how great I looked. I learnt to love myself, of course I still look in the mirror and think I'm fat but it's not in the same self-loathing fashion(i.e. break down and cry) that I used to do it in. I've learnt to go 'oh well' and move on - or as I'm now doing(because I'm a lot fatter than you!) is saying well if you complain so much about it, just do something about it, and I am. Take a negative and turn it into something positive! :) (easier said than done I know) Have strength, you can beat it.


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