202 followers? I never imagined that anyone would choose to read these thoughts and writings, it truly amazes me. Thank you to everyone for all of your support! I hope each and every one of you have a lovely day!
102 pounds is equal to 110 pounds. Mathematically incorrect, but my thoughts are devoid of logic, my eyes can't register the progress. The brief moment of satisfaction after reaching a new goal is replaced by feelings of failure. I feel even worse, even more terrible now at 102 pounds than at my highest weight. I've fallen deeper in this hole while striving for what I believe in.
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." reach goal/not enough/starve/restrict/reach goal/not enough. Repeat all the steps over and over, insanely expecting a different result, expecting it'll be enough for me.
Beginnings of doubt are creeping into my head, am I really "sick"? Mental health is just as important and necessary as physical health, yet I feel I don't "deserve" to be classified as eating disordered until I'm emaciated and skeletal. Currently, my health is aggravatingly fine, though I can't recall the last time I had my period.
On some terrible level, I want to be medically labeled as "anorexic". Maybe then, finally, it'll be enough.
Comment Replies: Thank you all very much for commenting! I love reading comments, so feel free to share your insight.
Thin or Not- I used to peel corn dogs also. I wish I had your habits, you're definitely decreasing the calories by peeling everything. Thank you for commenting!
Ally- That's a really productive habit, you're able to control your cravings and you're going to be truly accomplished at drawing ice cream and other food. Thanks for the comment!
JT- I love making food look pretty also, I hate eating pretty things, so I usually end up not eating it. This is the first time I've heard of your habit, it's unique in a good way. Thanks for commenting!
Ana's Addict- Congrats on not eating junk food anymore! I've only had diet soda once, I've always been more of a water person. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who cuts food up into tinytiny pieces, I think many people with ED also do it, judging by these comments. I wish I had your compulsive exercising habits, you have such determination and control. I hope you have a lovely day! :)
Charl.- You have incredibly control, I don't think I could ever just eat the skin of an apple and throw the rest away. The cupcake thing was really interesting to hear about. I'm sorry that your food issues started when you were so young. Thank you for commenting, stay beautiful!
~christy~- It's cool to hear how we have similar eating habits. I wish I ate slowly like you do, good job on that biscuit. :) I hope you have a lovely day!
Alex- I think that's quite cool actually, not strange. Now I'm curious as to what water smells like, the next time I have a drink, I'll make sure to sniff it. Thank you for commenting! :)
thinlypure- I wish I were able to eat slowly like you do, 8 crackers in 45 minutes shows a lot of control. What color plates do you have? One of my habits is similar to yours, for certain types of food, I have to eat odd numbers of it, others I can only eat even numbers of. Thanks for commenting!
Kate- I'm glad I'm not the only one who takes tiny bites of things. I am also embarrassed of taking huge bites, taking tiny bites is better looking than having a mouth bulging full of food. Thanks for commenting!
Almost Alex- I haven't figured out the calories for a fry, maybe 5 small fries would be under 100, though that would be inconvenient because I'm sure a fry order would come with a lot more than 5. Thanks for commenting!
jackie-Thank you, I'll try to keep my habits in control, I think they would be very difficult to stop. "It's a game and an object and an obsession." You have such a way with words, I think I'll quote you one day. :) Thank you for commenting!
GraceyJ- Eating disorders have definitely affected our habits. Ours are similar, I cut things tiny, though I don't chew a lot. Thanks for commenting!
SingSinatra- I'm glad to hear that you are recovering from your old habits, and that you are able to eat healthy without feeling guilty. I wish you luck in your ED recovery!
Cinnamon Brown- I am very proud of you for breaking that habit!! It must have been a struggle, your strength is inspiring. "it takes way more than one 1500 calorie meal to gain", that was incredibly reassuring today, since I screwed up majorly. I've never completely understood the concept of metabolism and how some people have a fast metabolism and some people have a slow one, I'll have to read more about it. I'll check out the page, I love the title Dinner Menu! Thanks for commenting!
displayed- Your determination to stick to set rules is quite amazing. I used to hate when silverware touched my teeth, though I was okay with it touching my lips. I'm sorry that your boy has started doing that, maybe you could talk to him about it or make it into a game somehow (depending on how old your child is), I don't have any parenting skills or knowledge though, I'm sorry. I hope you have a lovely day!
Mia- I wish I had your eating habit, I always feel guilty about not finishing food. Brushing your teeth after a meal is a great healthy habit! I bet my dentist wishes I did that. Thank you for commenting!
Dani- Do you eat each ingredient separately? When I eat a sandwich, I feel like there has to be equal parts of tomato, bread, ham in each bite. It's cool to hear how we share some eating habits, like breaking apart bagels and bread. I wish I could leave one bite of everything on my plate without feeling guilt, finishing all the food on a plate is ingrained into me from childhood sadly. Thanks for commenting!
Incense- I also am afraid of eating anything that doesn't have calorie information on it. You sound like you have great control, especially since you can sit in front of a plate of food and not touch it, I try to avoid food because I don't trust my control. Thanks for commenting!
when_in_rome- I hate when food doesn't have the calorie information on it. I think that's quite an interesting habit actually, you have great control. I read a scientific study where the results showed that smaller utensils lead to a feeling of satisfaction earlier, is that why you use small utensils? Thanks for commenting!
lulu- I also prefer when toast is cut vertically (so that the bread becomes 2 triangles), though I don't have different rules for different types of spreads on toast. I think your habit of eating skittles is cool, it sounds very organized. I used to love the marshmallows in Lucky Charms, I miss them. Thank you for commenting!
Nichole S.-You have inspired me to want a food scale! Good job on figuring out the calories in each gram, that must have taken a lot of work. I also dislike trying to estimate how many calories are in an apple since the size varies a lot. Thank you for your comment!