Sunday, August 21, 2011

I never thought I would be the one

I never thought I would be the one to find myself, index finger forced to the back of the throat, my knees against the cold white floor tiles, surrendering. Looking in the mirror afterwards, I was surprised to see watery eyes and tears from the effort of purging. And then I cried for real.

I had ran four miles, breathing in out, in out, right knee painfully bending, unbending; and somehow decided this gave me permission to eat. God, I didn't know it was possible to binge on meat.

Purging, it seemed so wrong, an incorrect answer to a twisted problem. It's a path disguised as a shortcut, leading to a terribly wrong place. But I know I would do it again. And again.

Thanks to:
lottie x
Olivia Lee
for your lovely comments and kind words. Your support truly means the world to me.


  1. Darling be strong. You are invincible. Keep your chin up and don't let this momnet or weakness get to you. Your stronger then your unthought out actions. Tomorrow will bring a whole new day <3 Be strong.

  2. Bulimia: it sucked me in and showed no mercy.
    It's a terrible, wicked demon that'll consume you.

    Stay strong and be careful. <3

  3. I know exactly how you feel. I had a similar experience once, but it was actually served as motivation for me not to binge again. It helps to look at all the experiences in life as learning ones. Be strong <3

  4. Bulimia controls your life and it's the absolute hardest thing to try and leave behind. I've been trying to dump Mia for almost 10 years and that bitch still screams in my ear after everything I eat. You are better than this! Don't fall into her endless cycle, please. Stay strong and lovely <3

  5. Hey, Sweetie,

    I'm leaving Blogger, so I just wanted to pop in and say thank you so much for all your kindness and support. I really appreciate it. I hope you find what it is that you are looking for.

    All the best. <3. XXX.

  6. I've purged countless of times before. Gets me on a high whenever I see the tiniest amount of food-ingested in saliva. The feeling you get is horrible sometimes, I myself cannot purge without my toothbrush/sometimes even paintbrush as shoving my fingers do nothing. The bloodshot colour of my eyes - at some point, there were random moments where I'd suddenly throw up whatever I'd eaten as if my stomach couldn't handle it - a few bites of dinner regurgitated, and the chug of coffee coming up before it really could be swallowed.
    As always, your posts leave me breathless and astounded...

  7. I didn't purge more than 5 or 6 times over the last 2 years.

    Yet, maybe that's why I'm fat, maybe I should do it more often

    (who the hell am I kidding? I should stop eating, that's the solution)


  8. nonononoo don't do this! Mia is absurdly addictive, I always wish I'd never started. its been almost 4 years, I've gained and lost 30 pounds several times over, and I always end up right back where I started. Try to avoid this cycle, it seems like a quick fix but it fucks your life up far worse then imaginable.


    stay strong!

  9. I've never purged because I physically can't but this made me so sad and I just want to hug you :( xx

  10. I used to have back and forth spells of ana and mia, where I would lose the will to restrict and end up bingeing, and then purging to try and reverse the damage - it was a brutal cycle. I still struggle not to purge sometimes if I feel I've eaten too much. I hope you can find your way off that path, because we all know it can lead to terrible things.

  11. Bulimia is such a... I can't even think of a pleasant word for it. It's so strange to realise what you are doing because you never expect to fall into that trap. Nor do you think about falling into the anorexic trap. Both BN and AN are some of the worse things to deal with in life and even more so if you deal with tendencies of both at the same time.

    I hope you don't fall onto the path of purging regularly. It's so hard to get yourself out of the dark hole it drags you into. xx

  12. hun stay strong...i know you can do it you have the determination

    we all have off days and we've all been there
    but we've gotten back from it and so will you


  13. don't let mia get you, beautiful girl. stay strong and don't forget all the things that make you better than sticking your finger to the back of your throat.
    love you with all my muchness <3 jax

  14. The way you put it, it's so true. All of it.

  15. this was so freaking beautifully eloquent and painfully poetic. the truth of it is terrifying and you describe it perfectly.

  16. I'm so sorry to read this, purging is just a momentary satisfaction followed by more guilt and bad feelings. I know how easy it is to fall into and I hope that this was just a one time thing. We are all here for you...I literally had to scroll for 5 minutes to leave a comment =P

    Sending some loving thoughts your way <3!




Don't be shy, leave a comment. :) I'd love to hear your thoughts!