Saturday, August 13, 2011

not ready

The rough carpet scratching against my bare back, his weight on top of me, kissing through the taste of energy drinks and the tired confusion of 4 a.m. I don't want to be here, but there's nowhere else I'd like to be.

"God you're the hottest girl I've been with," he says, his green eyes meeting mine, a line he's probably used dozens of times on dozens of girls, but I'm okay with that. His hands are rough over my body. I wonder if he has a condom, if he can feel the ridges of my hipbones pressing into him through his jeans, if he can hear the pounding of my heartbeat. And it's strange how lonely I feel while so physically close to someone.

He reaches to pull his zipper down, but I reach for my shirt. And I leave before I can make another decision I'll come to regret.

I wasn't ready, and I won't truly be ready until I'm comfortable in this body.

Thanks to 
Sam Lupin
Little Miss Thin
Thin or Not
for commenting.


  1. i hope you're ok, we're all here for you, xo.

  2. im here for u hun
    and yes dont have regrets cause u cant take them back trust me

  3. Thank you for following my blog. I've read through most of yours and your way with words is just beautiful.

    You did the right thing by walking away, you should be proud.


  4. Been there, completely. I had to be comfortable with myself, ready emotionally. It was never about love or saving myself, but that moment of being ready. I knew I'd know it when it happened, but others didn't believe me. I ended up having sex with someone I knew very briefly, who I was just physically attracted to. It was amazing. :)

    No regrets lovely girl. Know what you want and stick to it, because it's worth the wait. It really is. If you wait for yourself, and not anyone else.

  5. I'm really proud of you. You should never let yourself just settle for something when you're not ready for it, because regrets are a horrible feeling, and you can't just shrug them off easily. I think you made the right decision :)

  6. Good for you sweetheart. It's much harder to walk out than to just let it happen.



  7. Thank You for being a strong woman. You are fearless (even if you are not) You are an inspiration to girls. Your decision will help lots of other girls to do the right thing too! I am just soo happy that he didn't win with his crappy lines and hurried fingers to unzip. I hate when guys are lame and we give in anyways. Thanks again for being beautiful! <3

  8. Hey :D I love ur blog
    I occasionally think about that issue. How will I ever have sex with a guy when I'm not comfortable naked? Luckily I'm kinda young to worry tooo much lol.

    Thinspo is everywhere in my life, so many other girls look so good and I think, Are they comfortable with their bodies, what is their weight and bmi, do I look better or worse than them? Sometimes the answer to the last question is no sometimes yes. Mostly no.

    But I will ;-) One day..
    Ps I have a blog I post in sometimes at and I need followers :D ur all welcome there
    xxx Rain

  9. I'm glad you walked away. <3
    You are worth more than just the loneliness, more than a simple mistake you'll come to regret. We're here for you, always.
    And yet again, I must say, you have such a strong way with words that I'm left stunned by your brilliance.

  10. I'm proud of you too for being strong and walking away because you weren't ready :)

  11. I'm glad you walked away. There is no point doing something you will regret because no matter how much you want to, you can't take it back.

    Friends and unhealthy places to eat seems to be a common theme. Or maybe we notice more because we don't/rarely eat that stuff?
    Paying for shipping is a pain. International shipping is a royal pain though. Like, I can't help that the jeans I like just so happen to be from australia... haha.

  12. Good job, It's hard for some people to make that decision. I can totally relate to that scenario, and feeling so alone. It's a really bad place to be. Be safe and love yourself<3

  13. way to go, love! I'm proud of you for making the right decision. not that having sex is a wrong decision, but doing it when you're not ready is never a good thing.

    I hope you're comfortable in your own body soon. but more than that I hope you find the perfect guy who loves you the way you deserve to be loved. then, I don't think your body will matter so much. only the important things like love and connection will matter. i know you'll find that guy someday, i just hope he finds you soon.

    stay strong. much love,

  14. I find it hard to accept I will ever be comfortable in my body, and satisfied in my skin. Until then, theres no touch, and no emotion. But I wish I had your strength. Its beautiful. xxx


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