Tuesday, June 7, 2011

frozen in the snow

June 7th, 2011? My calendar still says October 2010. Months have passed, much too fast, much too slow.

It's summer, almost 100 degrees outside. I'm still hibernating, buried in the snow, hiding from the world. Living is exhausting, I'm consumed by my eating disorder. I loved people, I truly did, now I only want to be with those that are closest to me. Plans for the movies, bowling, the mall, and especially restaurants are avoided, party invitations are ignored. Texts, facebook messages, and calls go unanswered.  Laughing is an effort, conversations seem meaningless. I am frozen in the snow.

Starting this Friday, I'll have to wake up when all I want is to sleep. Swimming with friends, followed shortly by three weeks with J, and then traveling out of the country for two weeks, ending with the beach with friends. I'm not ready at all, but this is for the best, I need to be alive again.

Comment Replies:
jackie- I agree, it does seem like we have a more difficult time following the golden law in reverse. Thank you for your comment, you made my day much better, and I hope you also have a lovely day! <3
ElBar7a- "I will think of every breath I take as something and I will remember that I am worthy." your words inspired me! I am truly glad for your confidence and love for yourself today, I hope that you will continue to feel this way! (:
Alex Accursed- I'm very happy for your positive attitude for yourself, you deserve to feel this happiness. Good luck, stay beautiful!
Hilly.M- Happiness is quite elusive sometimes. Thank you, I hope that you have a wonderful day! (:
Skinny Little Me- I'm really sorry to hear that you've written that list of things you hate about yourself. Go outside, look at the stars, that's how many beautiful qualities you possess. I hope you have a lovely day full of happiness, you deserve it!
Cinnamon Brown- I love your positive attitude and your way of thought, that we always have a choice. Choice is important to me, because control is important to me, yet I seem to forget frequently that I have a choice. Thank you for commenting!
Wings to Set me Free- I've never thought of it that way ("whenever I meet a critical person, I always feel bad for them, because I know how much more critical they must be of themselves") , thank you for the insight! Have an amazing day!
~christy~- You are beautiful, always remember that. I hope you have a very wonderful day, you deserve it!
Lucy's Shadow- Good luck on your fasting! I'm glad you're back, I've missed you! I hope you have a lovely day, you deserve it. (:
MiniandMerry- I agree, learning to love yourself is one of the most difficult challenges we face in life. You're right, true beauty is from the inside, I hope we all see that one day.
Alex- Thank you, I hope you have a lovely day! <3
Gianni- We definitely are, we attack ourselves from within.
Ivy- Thank you for your comment! Yup, I also hope we are kinder to ourselves!
Bones- I agree, I do the same, I hope that we start treating ourselves like we treat others!
Thin or Not- You made my day, I hope you have a lovely day as well. <3
lulu- I'm sorry that your list of things you hate about yourself is longer than the list of likes about yourself. But the beautiful, amazing qualities about you greatly outnumber your perceived faults, and I hope you see that. (:
Marie- Thank you, that made me smile!


  1. I enjoy winter time because then I can cover all my fat in sweaters and baggy clothes.

  2. I can completely relate. I was actually just considering cancelling plans with my best friend whom I haven't seen in weeks just because we are going shopping, and I don't want her to judge me. I know it is unrealistic, but at the same time it still weighs on me.

  3. It sucks feeling like you never want to do anything. like you just want to sleep into eternity. try and feel better, love. being with people might give you energy and more happiness than you expect.

  4. ^__^ Thank you so much.
    I do still feel stuck in the snow myself, considering that my clothing is always baggy, consisting of layers. For some reason, that makes me feel like I'm still in those gray seasons, waiting for the rain and never really seeing the sun.
    I hope you can live again.
    I guess we can all relate to making our ED the centre of our lives, ignoring things and skipping nights of going out because you know that you're going to eat and when you do, that's it, you feel corrupted... =/ The only outings I've planned so far are with a friend that knows I've got a problem and I've thought of eating soup in a Japanese restaurant (vegetarianism wins! I cannot much else) and as for the other? I don't know WHERE we're going to eat so I'm just going to probably say I'm sick on Facebook three or four days before so that I can get away with eating little. :( It's a struggle. It's a puzzle. But in the end, we still do it.
    I hope you can find some liveliness because you SURELY make us feel beautiful and vivacious. xxxx <3 Sammy

  5. Take baby steps. Yes, ED have a habit of doing that...consuming people. But, there is hope. At some point, I hope you can find the support from this blog-place to realize that you deserve a fun life.
    It's difficult to balance both and ED and life, but I reckon that we are, even a little step, closer to recovery if we choose to indulge in life despite keeping our dark secrets in the closet.
    Just keep in mind that you are not alone. :)

  6. I'm so sorry you're feeling bad. I've been feeling the same way since i first was forced to gain weight. It's been 1,5 years since then but i'm starting to feel alive only when i lose weight. It's strange how ED works sometimes. At first you're concentrating on losing weight, then you're concentrating on not gaining it back.
    But i believe you can keep your low weight and have a life at the same time. It needs much effort and work but i believe you can do it.
    I hope you'll feel alive again!

  7. I love winter, because I can wear biiiiiiiig baggy hoodies ansneezy next to the fire and no one thinks anything of it :)
    I'm sorry you feel like that though :/ I think getting out and seeing people will probably cheer you up and do you some good though :)
    Lottie x

  8. Oh sorry for the ickies sweet pea. There's 2 major options, saying piss off to ed for a couple hours at a time and forcing yourself to go out with other humans. Or you can lock yourself up like an ana princess forever stowed away from others, completely delving into ed. I know which one I'd pick, do you?

    I'm not anon, this is Displayed, stupid blogger

  9. I can relate to this, I was tempted to skip my uni ball last night but I forced myself to go and ended up having a lovely time with my BF and uni friends. Sometimes, the more you are alone, the more you want to be alone but it's not healthy. Shutting out these people is a dangerous road to go down, they love you and you need to show them that you love them or risk losing them forever.

    Be strong lil love

    AJ xxx

  10. It's insane how much I can relate to this. It's not a good feeling. Hang in there ._.

  11. You'll have so much fun once you get back into the swing of things. It's hard going back to a social life when you're so withdrawn. I recently just did this.. I was nervous at first but lately I've been getting through it, with a lot more people up my ass about eating and what have you. Just shake it off and try to make the most of what's happening in your own little mind <3

  12. This is such a sad post, Babe. I truly hope you choose to walk in the light, it's the only way you'll thaw.

    As for my family, I couldn't agree with you more! They're not just negative, they're downright abusive! I haven't spoken to them, nor will I for the sake of my metal well being. I've worked damn hard to get where I am now. I haven't come this far to throw it all away for a dream of a family that doesn't actually exist. I cut my losses and am moving on. It's amazing what new things are waiting, if we just remember to let go of the old!

    Chin up, Love. Enjoy being up at an early hour, you'll be surprised at what you miss because you're sleeping! I like to go out and watch the birds at the feeder while I have my morning coffee. The best birds come out at dawn!

    Go on, have fun with J. and your mates, you deserve it! <3. XXX.

  13. I know exactly how that feels. In my grade 12 year I pushed everyone away starting with staying home for lunch I stopped answering my txts and started avoiding all of my friends and skipping grad parties. Eventually after I graduated I avoided everyone and it got to the point o was afraid to l e my house to even go to work. I'm on antidepressants now, have started going to the gym the bar and everything. It gets so much easier I promise

  14. sorry that u have to force urself to do things u dont want but in reality u have to do that everyday i do it everyday everytime i go to work force myself to go in act lik thers not a care in the owrld that im fine that im not dying insdie
    take it one day at a time hun and remember deep breathes

  15. Your posts are always just so poised and beautiful.
    I know that its hard but you have to do whats right for you.


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