Saturday, June 25, 2011

the start of a madness

Where did it begin? The roots of anorexia are tangled in knots, wrapped around and strangling my identity, like a parasite. I suspect anorexia may have always been a part of me, buried deep within my mind, triggered by my environment and life.

Sexual abuse was one of the main factors. He made me feel unsafe and dirty inside my own body, contributing to my hatred of myself, wanting to starve myself away until I was pure and empty of the guilt and fear. I pushed others away, and isolated myself inside my own mind, leading to the beginnings of disordered thoughts. Being alive hurts, wasting away deadens the feelings, the pain, the memories.

The constant strive for perfection, to do the absolute best in every aspect, is the base, the foundation for anorexia. The relentless cravings for being perfect outweighs cravings for food. Pressure to continue until the breaking point in academics, athletics, music, created my eating disorder.

Each factor, each word, each event that contributes or leads to anorexia are too numerous to list and analyze. The beginnings of an eating disorder are chaotic, complicated, and dark and the path towards recovery will be the same. I do not desire recovery, yet I wonder, when will the madness end?

(I am still away, this post was pre-written and scheduled to be posted, so I won't be able to do comment replies, I'm sorry.) 


  1. I didn't know that you had been sexually abused. I'm so sorry; I can scarcely fathom how difficult that must be for you.
    I feel as though my beginnings are so shallow (a boy that I, unfortunately, let get to me), although, I suppose we all just let ourselves get wrapped up in the chaos of it (you had every right to).
    What I'm trying to say is: keep strong for it can only get better.
    Forgive me if any part of this offended or upset you; I tend not to comment to anyone because I'm always afraid my lack of social skills will anger someone.

  2. I know how you feel. Anorexia was a distraction for me, it helped me to not think about it. Counting calories, exercising, searching for recipes of low calorie dishes - it all takes your attention away from other problems. And i know it doesn't solve problems but it's so good to forget about them even just for a moment.

    Stay strong ♥

  3. I didn't know you had been sexually abused either. :'( I can't imagine just how it would've been for you. We're still here for you if you want to talk about it.
    And we can definitely understand how you feel about the madness vs the need to recover... you speak the words that we all feel. <3 We love you. We can't wait until you're back!

  4. For me the anorexia was a direct consequence of the childhood abuse. The person who did it told me (instilled in my brain, really) that I was fat and ugly and that was why I deserved what he was doing. And ever since then I have never been able to see myself as not fat or ugly. Anorexia helped (helps) me to escape being fat and if I wasn't fat, then maybe people would look past the ugly...
    You're not alone, americaneagle, we love you and we're here for you! <3 xx

  5. Dear, thank you for sharing that secret.
    Well, even though you don't wish recovery at the moment, admitting factors that got it started is one of the first steps.
    No one can force until you feel ready to deal with life...but even if it doesn't end, you deserve a good life.
    And I hope you will find it some ways in life.

  6. Oh darling, my heart goes out to you for having to suffer such times in your life. Thank you for your honesty and I wish you all the strength in the world to somehow deal with them.

    Love AJ xxx

  7. Your posts are always so powerful.
    You are such a strong, brave young woman for going on as you do, and giving yourself to others in the way that you do here.
    You are to be immensely commended.
    I hope that you are having fun while you are away.
    I sincerely miss you and cannot wait for your safe return home.
    I also want to hear stories of your adventures. :)
    Stay positive, stay beautiful. <3

  8. You are beautiful and such an incredible person!! Thank you for posting this. It was like reading my own thoughts on how this decrepid lifestyle began (aside from the sexual abuse). Don't ever let yourself feel guilty for something you had absolutely ZERO control over!! It is NOT YOUR FAULT!! We all love you and are here to support you <3 Stay beautiful.

  9. sorry that some1 treated u that way noone deserves to b sexual abused butits how u fight the feelings and overcome it is what really matters
    idk what started my anoreixa its alwasy been there yeah ive been in emotionally abusive relationship but iwas starving myself b4 that
    stay strong hun ur a great person love u

  10. No one deserves the treatment you had, you're a wonderful, beautiful person, and some person with deep psychological issues shouldn't take your self -esteem and self-worth away.
    You seriously had no control over what happened, but you CAN control your current life, and you CAN change yourself into anything you want!

    Stay beautiful, and enjoy your trip! <3

  11. I'm sorry you were sexually abused. I was too. I hope you know you're beautiful!

  12. Just beautifully written. Heart wrenching...

  13. Thank you darling,
    I don't know how its taken so long to sign in and create something online, but you're the first person to contact me, it's sweet.
    Yu write beautifully. I relate deeply to this post- it's incredible how directly simple one is when untangling knots embedded in the past.
    To acknowledge and lay bare the cruelty endured but with so much courage..
    Take care, love
    Delilah xx


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