Tuesday, September 27, 2011

"darkness is drawn to darkness"

It lurks inside me, a black layer struggling to break through the surface. It attracts people with the same darkness inside. We size each other up while keeping ourselves contained inside neat little boxes, speaking carefully, hiding. Different issues, different nightmares, but blood is always the same deep red and our scars and wounds on the inside hurt the same.

I talk, trying to fill the empty space between us with words, any words, meaningless words and ones with so much unbearable emotions. And I wonder if it's too late to break through the wall between us. 

I am a huge 105 pounds now, gained 5 pounds since I started cross country.

His eyes are the shade of the sky on a perfect day, not the stormy unpredictable blue of J's eyes, not the sharp penetrating glare of his green eyes, nor H's dark brown eyes clouded with drugs. B calms me, makes me forget and live again. And I know he can give me a quiet kind of love, the kind that I need the most.

It's been about a month since I lasted posted here. It feels like years, I feel older. I'm happy, I really am. But I feel restless, I'm ready to return to my old lifestyle and live it harder and faster than before.

A thousand thanks to
Sam Lupin
desepaeree de maigrir
Wings to Set me Free
Judith Marie
for commenting. I've missed everyone, so much. I promise not to leave for so long again, unless I must. Lots of love. <3
And if I was a reader of your blog before my absence, I would appreciate it if you left a link to your blog in a comment, so I can catch up on your lives. 


  1. You're such a poet, I think you should begin writing. Congrats on joining cross country! I've always wanted to do that but I could never do running :( Congrats on everything, except the 5 pounds of course!!!!

  2. thanks for coming back. i missed you dearly <3

  3. I'm glad you're happy, but I've missed reading your posts. They're beautifully written, and I can relate. The cross country is great, keep it up, and keep posting! xx

  4. A thousand thanks to you! Those little comments made me feel so happy.
    Once again, your words are strong. A blow to the mind.
    A month? It feels like years. It truly does. It's your posts that make up our days, darling. <3 I've missed you as well, so very much, my dear.

  5. Your posts are so well-written and poetic. I've missed reading them. It seems like longer than a month. Good luck with cross country.

  6. omg ive missed u and ur poetic writing!

  7. Were so glad youre back! Your writing trully is amazing and inspiring. I just wish i could express myself the way you do. I feel like i have no way (besides anger) to let my feelings show. i cant believe you were less than 105! I dream of getting that low, and trying very hard. I missed your beautiful posts. Stay strong girlie!

  8. I'm glad you're happy.
    Good luck with cross country!

  9. Missed you

    cross country is great!


  10. 105 so very tiny, so fragile, perfection. I've missed reading your beautiful words. Glad you are back.

  11. Yay for being happy! That's really the point of why we're all here :)

  12. I've missed your posts so much, but I am glad that you are happy :)

  13. Of course I never enjoy seeing someone else fighting in the darkness, except to know I am not in it alone. Welcome back, lovely.

  14. I missed you so much! That was such a lovely, romantic post. 5lbs isn't a huge gain, and 105lbs is like a dream compared with what I weigh. I'm sure you can lose the 5lbs really quickly!

  15. Yay, you're back beautiful :) I missed you so much! xx

  16. o ive missed u so much im glad that ur ok
    and its prob muslce from running hun
    bonesarepure.blogspot.com thats mine i dont update as much kinda having computer issues butt ahts my life

  17. I can't wait till I weight what you weigh, I am shorter than you and weigh more than you :( you are my motivation really, I am glad you are happy and I know how you feel about not being on your blog for a while, it feels for ever for me too i stopped commenting and posting but I am back :). good luck with your cross country and I am sure the 5lbs you gained was mostly just muscle, because muscle will always gain more than fat :) so I am sure you look beautiful! <3

  18. You're still teeny-tiny girl, and remember - you may put on weight from gaining muscle now that xc has begun, and on the days after a hard workout you probably retain water as your muscles are repairing. Don't sweat it - you're beautiful and I'm glad you're back



Don't be shy, leave a comment. :) I'd love to hear your thoughts!