"you never come back, not all the way"

"You never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad."
-Marya Hornbacher, Wasted


My copy of her memoir is like origami, a thousand little folds in the top corners of pages, marking profound ideas and phrases I wanted to remember. Reading the words over and over, it creates a strange sort of emptiness inside, full but still starving, as if I've tried to satisfy my hunger with freezing ice water. She tells her story so well and so completely, it feels like I've lived her life and experienced the horrors. Her world seemed confused and dark, the images unfocused, as she ripped and tore away the realness of being human with wants and needs; becoming sharp ribs and bones holding up a nearly dead body like the framework of a damaged house. And it's terrifying and fascinating to see how far she went, 52 pounds at 5'3, almost inspiring to know it is possible to lose half of myself and still come out alive, though partially dead.

There is no truly happy ending to her story, and there will never be a happy ending to anorexia or bulimia, and we know that, and we probably knew before we slipped into the mirror, but it'll take all our strength to break our way out.

Comment Replies: 
Little Miss Thin- Thank you, you are so sweet!
jackie- I've missed you bunches, I'm glad you are back! That made my day, I'm sure we'll both be able to wear them soon. (: I hope you have a lovely day!
Kat- Thank you for your kind words and positivity! I hope you have an amazing day.
Dirk Gently- Thank you, you're so nice!
Ellaveigh- I agree, tomorrow can always be better. Thank you for commenting!
More Than Me- Thank you, I hope you have a lovely day!
Lucy's Shadow- Thank you so much!
amelia- I hope you're having a lovely day also. Thank you!
Princess Perfection- Your comments always make me smile so hard. Thank you for being you! (:
time to pretend- Thank you incredibly, you made my day. I am doing better now, thanks to all of the lovely support from amazing people like you. <3
S.- Thank you so much for your comment! (:
becca;- "Hope is always there, sometimes we're just looking in the wrong places," so true. Thank you!
A Girl with Tiny Intentions- Thank you, I hope you have a lovely day! (:
Camille- It sounds like a really great job! I will definitely look into it. Thank you, I hope you have an amazing day!
EWC- I'm very glad you're back, we've missed you!
Dani- Thank you, I hope that everything is going well for you.

the city never sleeps

Covered in darkness, they walk by, their faces illuminated by the bright shop windows and glowing signs. The feeling of the damp, freshly rained-on streets through my sandals as I walk quickly over the stone ground, shadowed by the constant nightmare of an eating disordered mind, trying to get away. Away from the mistakes in the past and the ones I choose now, away from the overwhelmingness of life.

It has been said that the city never sleeps, but it seems to be in that semi-conscious state, between the oblivion of sleep and the awareness of being alive and awake. Above me, a thousand squares of light, belonging to a thousand lives that I wish I knew. The city is strangely quiet, peaceful, tonight. It feels intimate, raw, intensely lonely; like the woman who stands before the bathroom mirror at night, eyeshadow and tears washed away. She stares, unseeing, at the blankness of the ceiling and walls as she lays awake, searching for the strength to carry on, searching for something that will fill the emptiness inside.

Even in the blackness of night, there is light and beauty and life. Just as we can depend on the first rays of sunshine each day, we can depend on the smiles and happiness of a brighter future.


Thank you to kes, AVY, AJ, Olivia Lee, S., Britni Marie, Princess Perfection, Ellaveigh, Kat not Jas, EmptyShell, alice ana, Dani, Dirk Gently, in.the.name.of.thin, SkinnyLittleMe, Little Miss Thin, Grace, RaeLynn, Almost Alex, Catharina, and Meg for all of your love and support when I needed it the most. It meant the world to me to know that someone cared.

suicidal?

I once wrote a post about suicide, asked everyone to promise they
wouldn't take their own life. I'm truly sorry for being a hypocrite, I
really tried to stay positive, but this life is overwhelming, I'm too
weak to handle it.

I was sure these feelings and thoughts would never come back, but now
I'm drowning in them. I want to die. I can't live in this world or in
this body. I crave death, at the same time, I'm afraid, so afraid. I'm
more tired and sad than I've ever been in this life, and all I want is
rest, even if it means sleeping forever.

"don't fall, I see lights in the distance"

My size zero shorts are falling off my hips, I'm afraid to carry anything in the pockets, in case it might weigh them down completely. 

I've started running again. As I run on the treadmill, I feel like a hamster on an exercise wheel. I'm stuck, chained to this machine, I'm not allowed to get off. My legs are burning and my lungs struggle for air, I disassociate my mind from this body, I can't feel the pain because it isn't really me running. I ran three miles today, half a mile further each day. 

I'm avoiding the scale, the last time I weighed in, I was 100 pounds. I don't bother, no matter what number it is, I'll never be happy.

All this work, effort, progress, it feels so pointless. I'm addicted to chasing a destination I'll never reach. 

Does anyone know where Jordan, who used to write The JDawgManifesto, went? I'm worried about him.

Thank you incredibly for your comments on my previous post. All your concern and kind words really made me feel cared about and happy. I'm sorry I couldn't reply to comments individually, I was in a hurry for preparing for a 15 hour flight tomorrow morning.

B

lottie x 

Bones

AJ

MiniandMerry

becca;

Little Miss Thin

in.the.name.of.thin

Dani

Sammy

Kitty

EmptyShell

unbeautiful

amelia

Princess Perfection

the world wasn't shaking, it was me

Her steady hand drew dark brown eyeliner around my eyes, as I stared into the darkness of my closed eyelids and thought about how I could avoid breakfast. "Open slightly," she said, as my other friend watched. A dark purple color flooded my vision until it felt as if my eyes were closed again and I wondered how I could feel so nauseous if I had not eaten.

I recalled nothing else, until I vaguely felt the world shaking and shaking, I wished I could find something to hold onto, to tie me to this world, because I was sure I would be shaken right off. I heard voices calling, screaming my name. My eyes opened, and I was on the floor beside the dresser, on my hands and knees with my friends knelt down beside me with worried faces. They told me what I couldn't remember; I had passed out and my entire body had shook for a minute, similar to a seizure.

They forced me to go to the emergency room. I wonder what I'm doing to my health, and I wonder if I should care more. In all honesty, I tried to feel concern for my body, but I really do think that it was an interesting experience.


Comment Replies: I love you all incredibly. Thank you so much for your kind words, I truly appreciate each comment.
lottie x- Thank you for your lovely comment! (: I'm glad we've both found our true homes, and I hope we never leave home.
Dani- Yup, I trust in things falling into place if they're meant to be. (: Thank you for commenting, I've missed you!
Rachel Tavi- Thank you for your comment! I hope your friends return home soon, and that you have a lovely summer! (:
Cinnamon Brown- I'm so proud of your progress, I wish I could have been here for all these changes! Thank you for commenting, I hope you have a wonderful day! <3
Princess Perfection- Your comment made me smile, I've missed you a great deal! I hope you had an amazing vacation, and I'm happy to hear how about your motivation and hard work! Stay beautiful! (:
Sammy- I've missed replying to everyone's comments, I'm glad I'm back! (: Good job on fasting and I'm glad to hear that you are happy! Hope you have a lovely day, you deserve it!
~christy~- I agree, love truly is the best feeling in the world. I'm sure that you will reach your goals, you have my support! Good luck, stay beautiful!
Kitty- Hello, I love new followers! (: I hope we get to know each other! Have a lovely day, you deserve it. <3
amelia- Awh thank you! I hope you've had a good time also, I need to catch up on everything! (:
killa kristen- I've missed you all so much, I'm glad I'm back also! (: I hope you've had a lovely summer so far also! Thank you for your comment!
Neeska- I've missed you incredibly, I hope you've had a good summer so far! I need to catch up on your blog and progress and life! (: "sometimes we need to choose our own destiny", I love that, I love the power of deciding to make things happen instead of just hoping and waiting.
Empty Shell- I smiled so, so, so much when I saw all your comments, it truly made my day! (: I was wondering, where did your blog go? I can't find it on your profile page. Thank you a million for all of your lovely comments, you can't imagine how happy you've made me. (: Have a lovely day, you deserve it!
Kitty- Thank you, I'm glad I'm back with all of you! (:
Little Miss Thin- Thanks, I'm glad to be back! (: I hope that you have a lovely day, and stay beautiful. <3
AJ- Thank you for commenting! I hope you've had a lovely summer so far also! (:
Kat- Thank you for your kind words! I love your blog background, it's stunningly gorgeous. I hope you have an amazing day, you deserve it! <3

I'm back

I've missed you all incredibly. I'm about to read through all your comments on the posts while I was away and catch up on all your lovely blogs. I would really love it if you would leave a comment telling me important or meaningful things that have happened while I was gone for the last few weeks.

 I laughed, I cried, I danced. Most of all, I loved. I filled up all the hunger and emptiness inside me with love; love for life, friends, myself. I made the best memories of my life, with people that became friends that I will love forever, in three short weeks. I followed my impulses and did what I wanted, with no regrets. And as for J, I fell asleep in his arms on the last night, and I will always remember our early morning runs, kisses, laughs, everything. I don't know what we are, or what will happen now that we're a thousand miles apart again, but I trust in the future and I know things will fall into place. I found true happiness. If home is where the heart is, I will be back home again next summer.